Telelalah Buhay Ngayon

Wrote originally September 7, 2013

Woooottt!!!!! Paaaamm!!! Param!!! Pam!!! Pam!!! (twerking twerking hahaha)

Hoommaaayyy!!! Gaaawwdd!!! I missssss this!!! Seriously!!! Hehehe

drum roll... labas dila... dilat mata... baaannngg!! baannngg!! baaam!!! hahaha

I just had a lot of things in mind for the last 3 months, it seems like binagsakan ako ng meteor na halos hindi na ako makabangon charrauuuggt tt lang!! hahaha

Ohh well, so much sa mga excuses.. tama na, I am guilty as charged na talagang nawalan ako ng panahon sa “telelalabells” namiss ko rin ang ingay ko sa blogsphere ano!! I just thought that kaya kong ipagsabay ang practicum at career ko sa blog kung meron mang ganon!!! Hahahaha wwoooo!!!! Paakk!!

Seryos.. seryos ako.. hahaha stress na stress ako kasi kaya I need to stay calm and breathe then boommm!!! Baaaakkkk barraaakkk ulet!! Hehehehe

Feeling ko lang biglang nagbagong buhay ako for a while hahaha chars lang!! oo nga! Hahaha I don’t know if you got to see one update sa facebook ko na nagretreat kami, as in RETREAT!!! Hahaha after 15 years, ito ulet ang retreat!! At seryoso talaga, mas na-absorb ko ang essence ng retreat pala!! Hahahaha well tama nga, sometimes in our life we need to DISCONNECT in order to RECONNECT. Hahaha seryosong seryoso ako eh ano! Hahaha ohhh well, there’s a lot more to tell.

Soooo.. ito na talaga ang dahilan sa stress ko everyday sa buhay ko mula nong nag-fefeeling super bagyo busy aketch!! Charreengg!! Hahaha

Well sa totoo lang, mas mahirap ang practicum life kaysa nong nag-wowork pa ako. Yes, indeed ang hirap dahil you have two responsibilities, sa school and sa center kung san ka nagppractice ng pinag-aaralan mo sa school. That’s it! and this is it really! Oo, I had so much fun, I had the best learning and experience and kahit tapos na ako sa oras ko but still I won’t stop until finals kasi ang habol ko is not the requirements, it’s not the hours I need but the lesson I will get from my experience.

Nong una, people would just hear , watch stories of a rape victim sa mga radio and tv, kahit ako I thought it’s all in the paper, and yes I admit na oo nag-eexist lang sila talaga, may mga laws tayo about don pero when I let myself go into their world, ang bigat! I have cases na ako mismo ang naghahandle and talagang draining especially when they started to disclose new informations, when they have their own tantrums, attitude problems in the center and so on.

The case I presented sa case conference namin, it was a case of a sibling abuse. Yes, magkapatid, it’s not a joke, it’s real, really. When I get the chance to visit their place, I think it’s 3 hours from the city, sumugal talaga ako whatever it takes, ang gusto ko lang is malaman san nag-ugat yong problema, bakit nagkaron ng pang-aabuso sa loob mismo ng bahay. Ang hirap intindihin ano? Pero totoo. Nong dumating kami sa bahay nila, ayyy ang ganda goodluck talaga kasi kulang nalang kumuha yong nanay niya ng itak at hahabolin kami sa galit niya. Hahahaha langheeyyaa talaga! Kakalokaah! Pero kahit papano successful naman yong home visit naming kahit yong experience namin eh parang hindi na kami makalabas sa lugar nila dahil sa galit ng pamilya niya kung baket yong anak niya eh kinuha ng government for custody and protection since the victim’s perpetrator eh still at large.

Ang super stress day ko is nito lang September 5, 2013 (Thursday), nong sabi ko sa araw eh nasa court hearing ako at sa hapon eh nasa hospital naman ako para sa medico legal ng victim survivor. It was supposed a trial na nong client ko sa araw na yan but yong lawyer eh lumapit sakin at ang sabi makikipag-usap siya about “plea bargaining” his client would like to pay the civil and moral damages plus probationary, meaning makakalabas yong perpetrator. And the lawyer added pa na, if you will agree now ma’am maybe you can sign the papers and boooomm!! Imbyernang imbyerna lang ako naman noh!! After niyang abusohin sexually yong bata, ganon at ganon nalang?!! Ang gwapo nila diba!! Hahaha so I told the lawyer immediately that we won’t agree for the plea bargaining so maybe we will go for a trial, just submit your written proposal so it will be formal chuuuccchuuu… ssooowwwss!!!

Hindi pa natapos ang stress ko sa court… hahaha

Around 2pm siguro we went now to the government hospital to finally na talaga as in final na talaga sana for medico legal sa new admission kong client. it was Monday this week lang na halos 3 hours kaming nagwrestling sa loob ng women’s desk kasi iyak sya ng iyak dahil ayaw niya magpamedico legal, if walang medico legal walang case ma-file and her perpetrator will not go to jail.

Nong Monday, hindi naman siya pinilit talaga for the reason of “the child’s right” hahaha hindi talaga pwedi pilitin, nangyaring umabot kami ng 3 hours dahil lahat na ng strategy ginawa na namin para lang pumayag siyang humiga at makunan ng medico legal, ang lagi lang niyang sabi while crying na “ayoko because ang dami ng doctor at nurses nakakakita and nakakahiya.” After that, lahat ng nurses at iba kong kasama lumabas, ako at siya at yong doctor nalang ang naiwan and yet, walang nangyari talaga dahil ayaw niya and that was 5:30 na ng hapon.

So ito na talaga ang totoong araw nan a-convince na sya for the medico legal. It took us for almost 2 hours again na kausapin siya while nasa bed na siya dahil yong doctor found something and biglang yong doctor eh tumawag ng ibang doctor for consultation, apat na doctor ang pumunta just to check and validate kung ano ang meron (tumatakbo na agad ang isip ko na kaya pala madaming doctor tumingin sa kanya nong first check up niya dahil sa nadiscover nila) sobrang sakit daw na hindi mahawakan or something, kahit ibuka pa ng ibuka sobrang sakit daw kaya ayaw niyang ipapagalaw. 

Although incomplete yong medico legal dahil half lang ang nakita ng doctor, may laceration, yes but kalahati lang talaga but it is useful na rin daw sa pagfi-file ng case kaya we stopped there, enough na yon dahil ayoko na dagdagan yong trauma ng bata. Kaya pala talaga ayaw niya nong first attempt namin magpapamedico legal for that reason na meron pa lang something na kailangan pang suriing mabuti.

Kaya kahapon pag-uwi ko sa bahay, ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagod at nakanga-ngang nakatulog ako sa sofa sa sala. Hahahahahaha ngayon nakakapagupdate ako dahil wala lang bigla ko lang talagang namiss ang buhay pagbblog. Hahahaha namiss kong magingay, namiss kong may kausap na ang paguusapan eh random hindi yong sa work ko ngayon. Stressful pero fulfilling naman talaga, ito kasi gusto ko kaya wala akong reklamo. I am happy and I want to share it to everybody this happiness. Ang saya kapag nakatulong ka lalo na sa mga batang tulad nila, pilit kong itago yong luha ko when they started to thanked you and hear them aloud praying for you.

Ang seryos ko eh. Hehehe wala lang. parang bigla akong nastress sa kwento ko hahaha

Pasensya na talaga sa tagal kong pananahimik hehehe at wag na kayong magtampo sakin alam mo na sino kayo wag na akong pilitin na ilagay ko pa dito hahahaha charraauugghhtt!!

Kumusta naman kayo? Kwentohan niyo rin ako. 

 

Tele-Iyak-mode

Waking up in the middle of the night is one of the things I hate the most. Charot! Totoo.

Sinungaling ako! Or hindi ko lang talaga sinadya na ganon ang maging reaction ko? I am trying to go back to sleep but seems hindi na ako makatulog, para mapagod ako ito, magblog ako, ilabas ang nararamdaman ko.

Unang una, pasensya kana blog, ang aking telelalahbells na hindi naman tugma ang pangalan sa drama ko ngayon, feeling ko ang kulay ng buhay ng pangalan ng blog tapos ang laman, eto ka-artehan, drama sa ngayon. Bear with me, seryos ako. Promise na. lol

Para hindi mailto sa mga drama ko sa buhay. ito brief lang ang kwento ko.

Sa all life natin, ilang tao man ang dumaan at minahal natin, there’s always this one person na masabi natin na naging greatest love daw natin. Ows? Ganyan. sabaw na sabaw na talaga ako! Or baka nasabi ko lang yan kasi ang hapdi ng puso ko ngayon. (may sugat talaga, yon  na haha)

Dahil sa pagiging curious ko nga kay architect nong malaman ko ang pagbabago sa kanyang career, naisipan kong tingnan sa kanyang personal na buhay. Sa fb at twitter. May mga common friends kaya alam ko! (stalker ang peg) ito ang rants ko dati na kelan kaya ang pagkakataon na kaya ko ng tingnan ang buhay niya at dumating nga kagabi.

Pagkabukas ko, viooollaahh..

Magiging tatay na siya, may asawa na siya! Futah lang diba. Pero the worst experience I got nong Makita ko eh, hala natatae ako promise and I get so cold at sure the next thing I know, tumakbo na talaga ako sa cr para tumae. Hindi ata puso ko ang nastress but yong tyan ko ewan ko ano ba koneksyon. Hahaha

Sa mga panahon na nasa cr ako, napaisip ako kung saan ko ba nalagay ang ovary ko nong panahon na yon, plastic ba ang ovary ko, fake, manhid or sadyang kulang lang sa battery kaya hindi gumana. Hindi rin naman ako ready noon, char! It’s true, ang dami ko lang inisip, inasikaso sa personal kong buhay kaya things went bad.

Dahil bonggang iyak na rin ako, nagtext ako kay fiel, kay arline para may makausap ako kasi hindi ko alam pano ko ilabas ang naramdaman ko. Thanked God to King Archie also he was there to talk to me. Ang heart to heart talk nauwi pa rin sa harotan. Its natural! Ganyan! lol Thank you sa inyo, I feel better eventually, sa jokes, sa harot and sa comfort, all I need is someone or somebody na makakausap to divert whats in my mind, this what I called “talking therapy”  I was taught of that nong nagkaron ako ng unfinished professional issues with my mom, they just let me talk and talk until I cried and it helped, I moved on.

It’s just so funny reading his timeline with the hashtags na kami lang ang nakakaalam, na naging code name namin noon, even the dates that are significant to us, may notes pa rin siya. Kaya kahit alam kong may bagong buhay na siya ngayon, I know he can’t still let it go. May special connection pa rin in between kahit wala na kaming communication, I could still feel it but hanggang doon nalang talaga kasi. Sinisi talaga niya ako sa lahat-lahat but I have to stand sa ano mang decision ko noon, I can’t leave my mom at that time who is sick, trying times namin sa pamilya noon and hindi ko kaya na pagsabayin lahat, I need to give up and before I did that, ginawa na niya pala. And months after, ang bilis talaga ng recovery or palit period ng lalaki so I moved on again.

Like I said, just bear with me, just let me do the ranting, things will be over. Maybe I just need this to finally close that book. I opened it pa kasi dahil para maghanap ng dahilan para sunogin. Roots. Ang daming magandang memories that I can’t throw it away noon dahil siguro I’m still holding on to that “kind” of love I have with him once. Naiyak ko na eh, kaya ok na ako don. Swerte lang ngayon kasi no beer, no hard liquor na malamang sa 2^nd time hahalikan ko ang sarili kong suka, face to face pa sabay simot amoy ng pulutan malas pa kung boy bawang.

Lahat dadaan tayo sa ganitong pagkakataon na masaktan, madaya, at madapa para matuto, magkaron ng leksyon at makapagingat sa susunod. I am thinking this positively kasi if I dwell on it, ako rin ang lugi, ako rin ang hind imaging masaya. Siguro sa ngayon lang naman ito, eventually mawawala din lahat ng  to, once I cried it out, soon enough maging ok na ako. Focus sa career which I know successful ako don but palpak sa buhay pag-ibig, its nature na hindi talaga nabibigay sayo lahat ni God. Accepted.

I Still thanked God for this even though its painful, I experienced it, I learn to live with it and I will learn to understand and listen more sa mga kaibigan ko kung sakali mararanasan nilang masaktan din. Sana wag naman. Kailangan kong panindigan ang mga advices ko sa kaibigan ko dahil i will never be an effective counselor (someday) kung hindi ko i-aapply rin sa sarili ko ang natutonan ko. Nga-ngang nga-nga lang ako niyan! 

pero sayang na sayang lang ang sinigang na bangus na niluto ko last night, pinaghuhugutan ko talaga yon kaso nawalan ng tubig dahil sa pagbutingting ko nga sa twitter. hindi na rin ako nakapagdinner dahil wala pa akong nakain, natae ako sa stress. syet. hahaha 

Telelalalamorning!! 
as of 3:24am
ako ay nagugutom

May acido ata sa dugo ko

I am trying to hold my patience to peple na walang ginawa but to pull you down, doesn’t like what you do, naiinggit, at ayaw magpatalo sa mga simpleng bagay. Gusto ko man harapin ang mga taong ganyan, I just can’t. tan-eneng minsan tong new course pinasukan ko dahil the first principle is “acceptance” tanggapin lahat ng tao dahil bawat tao ay unique, may kanya-kanyang ugali at values na pinamana ng mga magulang nila, this principle hold my values, nurtured me to be a better person din! Pigil na pigil na ako sa lagay na ito ha! Hahaha I just don’t care anymore what other people say this time, hindi tulad dati na super reaction paper ako, iyak kagad, ganon ako ka-weak, ngayon nasobrahan, naging bato slight! Para lang sa mga tao yan na makapal ang mukha!! Pero sa mga tao, bata at matanda nasa daan or institution, kung pwedi lang ayaw ko ng tingnan o kausapin kasi di ko mapigilan umiyak! Hahaha chos!! Totoo! Walng jowk! Hahaha hindi ko kayah teh!!

Mahapdi ang mga dugo na dumadaloy sa katawan ko now! meganun talaga! Dagdag pa ang background na kanta “I’m almost over you!” lenteks na pag-eemo nakakadala nga! Ayoko na nito! Dumudugo na pati ilong ko! Hindi na ako bitter sa pagkakaalam ko pero nakakamiss naman yong tao minsan, the things you two used to do! (alam ko ang nasa isip mo, hindi yon! Oki? Hahaha) aray na aray ako talaga ngayon! Hahaha bakit ba kasi may background music pa while nagbblog ako! Dagdag hapdi sa katawan lang! kahapon until kanina, slight inis na inis ako sa kasama kong pakialamera tapos ng dahil sa kanta, ito shifted into different mood. Resilient ako eh walang makikialam! Hahaha Parang gusto ko ‘tong mood na emo-emohan kaysa nagagalit ako, tatanda ako maaga teh!! Hahaha malapit na akong maiyak dito sa opisina dahil dito sa “can’t you see – tiffany” hahahaha pigil na pigil na ako mga teh!! Malapit na talaga to!!

Stop, stop, stop… ayoko na! hahaha tanggap ko na ha, in fairness to me, but heller naman baket di ko pa masyadong kereh ang mga love songs!! Mag 2013 na at mag-vavalentines na naman! Hahahaha ang bilis ng panahon! Wag lang mag end of the world, okay lang mag pag-asa pa! hahaha shonganga na ako, iba ang introduction ko sa ending phase ko!! Hahahaha ayaw pa rin tumigil ng kanta, kailangan ko na ata burahin ang mga kantang ‘to! Hahaha cold feet and hands ang nakukuha ko ngayon! Walang effect ang kapeh-kat na ininom ko habang ginagawa ko to!

Basta yan na yan ngayon, hahaha

Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

Soft inside hard outside

I tried to rationalize everything that is happening in my life. This is my way of coping up, it worked for me, oo nag-work and nagstand out ako but sometimes I could still feel the pain inside me, I just don’t want to show it, I don’t even say it because knowing myself na matapang, pinanindigan ko talaga yan! I am strong pero mas mabilis akong umiyak! Mind you! Lels!! Hahaha I don’t know why ganon, maybe it’s already inside my heart na super soft ako pero hard lang akong tingnan! Hahaha

I was hurt and I tried to fight that, I cried and that’s enough for now. I understand that if its not meant to be, then its not. There are really things in life na hindi talaga pwede, we just need to accept that, it will hurt us but this will help us to grow, to believe in second chances. Slowly I am trying to understand myself, I learn to love myself even more because if I am not this strong matagal na siguro akong bumigay, with those problems na dinaanan ko at ng pamilya ko it made me stronger, mas nagiging fighter din ako when mom died. I stood for the family no matter what, kung dati I don’t speak, I don’t say what’s in my heart, ngayon all those things na hindi ko nagawa noon, I am doing it now.

At this stage in my life, ang daming nareveal na ugali na hindi ko nakita noon, and I am seeing my mother sa mga ugali ko ngayon, maybe because I grew up seeing her always, the success sa career niya, how to handle people na may problema at kailangan maging matapang ka everytime you listen to their problems. When I studied social work, life changed and i am more appreciative this time, I kept myself on the ground, I refrain from judging people and lahat ng yon nakita ko rin sa mommy ko, that’s why after a long journey sa buhay ko, I stand to follow her profession, to believe in change and to touch the lives of the people and that change won’t be possible to others if you don’t start it within you.

I never stop loving

Sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves, we need to go back in the past in order to understand all the things that is happening to us right now, we need to reflect in order to do more what we think we can do.

When you lost a person in your life, you will realize that life is short. You will tend to ask yourself what were the good deeds you do to others. Am I ready to face God when the time of my death arrives? But you know what, when my mom died, what comes first into my mind when I heard the doctor says “time of death” – does the values mom gave us is enough already for us to face the world without her? Yes, I really thought of that, because in our family, family values are one of the important aspects we need to look up to. The words of my mother is the same words with my uncles (her brothers), me and my sister’s thoughts or perspective on the way we see life is the same with my cousins (her brother’s sons’ and daughters’). We are all seeing realities in life, we deal with what is the truth about life and that help me to endure all the problems in time.

I am not expressive, I may be too silent with my feelings in the past but when social work nurtured me to speak up, I have learned to voice out everything, it may be that I am mad or happy, I learned to open myself to the reality, sometimes we need to say what’s in our heart, good or bad, so the pain won’t dwell in your heart. Take some time to let your heart breathe.

When I lost my mom, I tried the best I could to stand for my family, for my father and sister. I am not my mother, I am not even trying to be my mother but all I can do is to be me as a person I know. But, I am really my mother’s “replica” no matter how I try to avoid her mannerisms, behaviors, attitude, even the way she deliver her words of encouragement, to discuss matters on the table, her perspectives in life, it’s in me, it’s in my blood and veins, I could not get away from it. The more I discover about myself as I grow up, the more I understand who my mom is. I could no longer deny it that I ran into her footsteps after all this time.

I am missing my mom, of course, but I need to be strong not to miss her that much because it will definitely kill my emotions. I have a soft heart it just doesn’t show. i can still feel mom until now, I could still see her in my dreams, reminding of simple things I used to forget when she was still alive, whenever exams is approaching – she’s always sitting beside me in my dreams, when problems pop up – she keeps on ranting but I couldn’t hear it. I always tell she’s still here I just couldn’t see her. I believed in my instinct.  

If mom is still alive now, probably she won’t stop ranting us until we get the life we deserve it. mothers’ knows best and that is proven in time! 

What it is really?

I just couldn’t figure out what makes me so sad right now. I know there’s still pain in my heart and so much I wanted to dig within it, I just couldn’t. I recognized the feeling but i felt like all the things I’ve done now just to make myself busy is not enough to occupy everything including my soul. What’s in there anyway? That I couldn’t explain it even.

I can’t take back everything, I can’t go back to the time where I have cherished the most. I know and I am aware of what is happening, I can’t say I am not doing anything because I know I have done so much that I couldn’t even attend on my own wants, I tried everything so much just to leave and ignore what’s in my heart but there were memories I can’t just throw it away and I believed, those memories can’t be thrown away easily when I know a part of me is with that memories.

I am hurt for no reason, I can’t even figure it out where that came from now. I can’t say that I am okay, maybe I am just confused? Troubled mind and heart? Stressed out? Tired? Probably I am just sleepy for it’s already 2:22 in the morning. 

If you just want to know what's my secret

I just remembered when I started to face my life after the death of my mother, I am trying to search my own soul, myself and I have been so bothered with a lot of things, there’s a lot in my mind but I couldn’t find a way to express it. I am known to a few close friend of mine that I am not a talky type person, I seldom talk about my emotions and feelings, I am afraid of giving comments because I don’t to hurt other people as much as possible.

I believed in the power of mind, kasi when I told myself that I need to break the silence, I need to express what I feel, what’s inside my heart and what I am thinking, it happened in just one click. Its TRUE that if you want it, you will have it. In the case I had, it was a week that I am emotionally unstable. After work and class I couldn’t help but cry or i always feel that anger in my heart. Since hindi ko na kaya, I decided to consult a social worker in our department to seek a professional help.

I talked to our program coordinator who is a social worker licensed. I was crying and crying, I am not satisfied sa ano man ang iniyak ko, she just let me cry everything, she gave me a room to let out all my anger, hatred and my hidden feelings that moment. Parang isang doctor lang din sya na binigyan ako ng resita, yong resita na hindi gamot but a resita na dapat kong panoorin baka sakali daw magbago ang perspective ko sa buhay.

I downloaded what she told me, I tried to watch it but sa simula pa lang nabored ako eh so I ignore it. Kebs lang ako!! In denial pa rin ako in everything to what I feel, I am starting to understand what is really going on sa sarili ko pero andon pa rin yong galit ko sa pagkawala ng mom ko dahil she died na puro pasakit ng mundo ang binigay sa kanya, okay lang kasi yong walang ibang taong involved pero dahil there are people caused her too much pain, yon ang mahirap tanggapin.

One Sunday we had a personal encounter activity sa social work class namin. We were given a chance to speak one by one our strength, weaknesses and threat sa dreams at buhay namin. So I speak for myself. I thought that’s the end. The following day I come to visit her for just a small talk, kala ko she forgot kung ano2x ang mga pinagsasabi ko pero alam pa rin niya and sobrang natinag ako to what she just told me that moment “tapos na yon!! Leave it behind, tapos na ang sa mama mo, siya yon at ikaw ang ngayon, gawin mo ang para sayo hindi para sa mama mo!!” yong halong may galit pa talaga. Wala akong masabi, parang nahiya ako na hindi ko maexplain ang feeling ko that moment. At dahil dun, yong resita na sabi ko na binigay niya, I tried to watch it, this time pinagtyagaan ko, then i have learned kung ano talaga ang gusto niya mangyari sa buhay ko and ito ako ngayon I can say I am better, I have moved on and accept those things na noon parang ang hirap2x at ang feeling ko everyday was I am always hurt. I also learned her secret in life through the resita she gave me it’s “the secret.”

You might want to watch it, baka makatulong din sa inyo. Ngayon, I am learning also to accept the law of attraction in our life. Life is a little better now kahit lagi pa rin akong confused sa mga ilang bagay!! Punyeteks!! hahaha

Age is not unlimited like globe telecom

There is a mixed emotion that I myself don’t even understand what the hell is going on with me and my current emotions. I feel so empty. I think that’s the right word. I tried to search and find myself. I keep on pretending that I am okay, na kaya ko ang lahat even my heart bleeds. i have my friends with me na nakakasabay kong tumawa pero after ng tawa biglang wala na naman, I feel empty pa rin.

Maybe dumating na sa point ng life ko that i am ready to re-open my heart again, ready ako pero I am not even sure enough kung kaya ko ba. I know I have my dreams now, I am working with my dreams and even that I found that fulfillment parang may kulang pa rin. I am trying to search what I really want now, I keep on reading, talking  pero there’s still kulang in between.

 

I believed that we don’t need to search for the person we want to love for, it will just come on the time the least we expect to an unexpected place. How long I will have to wait for him. Parang ang bilis ng panahon ngayon, sa dami ng ginagawa natin sa buhay araw2x mas lalong mabilis ang oras lumiit din ang mundo. I felt that hindi na tayo aabot sa 70^thbirthday natin para makapagblog ng makapagblog, unlimited nato pero ang buhay natin hindi naman kasing unlimited ng globe or smart. Lol

 

Midlife sickness or crisis ata tong naramdaman ko ngayon!! Hahaha punyetahs!!! hahaha

Behind resurgence blog

I have been blogging kung ano2x lately but I forgot to tell something kung ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin  ng resurgence, this means revival. Revival kasi  I could say now na I am ready to open everything what’s on my mind without any  hesitation or limitation, before I always have this apprehension of sharing my life because I am afraid to be judged or hindi ko lang talaga type magkwento ng kung ano2x sa buhay ko. Ngayon dahil mas naging makapal ang mukha ko kaya ikarir ko nato!! Lol

Resurgence kasi ito na ang bago kong buhay, I could say now that I have a new life in blogging, I have tried a lot of times noon magblog pero dahil feeling ko wala akong makwento kaya hindi natutuloy ang karir ko sa blog plus the fact that I am conscious with what I am going to tell the world but now wala ng conscious2x na yan, kung baga bahala na si superman sa akin ngayon!!

 

I have changed a lot I know, I always tell that to my closest friends that the person you knew in me before is not the person anymore now. Mas naging open minded ako when I started to study social work, it has a great influence in my life dahil ito ako ngayon nagsusulat, nagbblog, may lakas ng loob magsabi kung ano ang nangyayari sa buhay ko whereas noon as much as possible I want it everything in private, ngayon LADLARAN nato!! Hahaha open arms and open legs na kung baga!! Hahaha yes hello!! Go!! 

i understand yet i'm confused

If I wasn’t able to take up the course of social work now, probably hindi ganito kabangag ang utak ko ngayon!! I have been so confused in my career and life now after studying the theories. Nauna kasi ang field practice ko bago ko nalaman ang theories, meaning nakapagtrabaho ako sa social welfare office before I decided to take up social work course. But one of the biggest reason why I took up the course because I wanted to follow my mom’s legacy and on the other side as I have mentioned in the previous post I had, there are personal and professional issues I wanted to finish.

If I was too assertive noon sa work ko, ngayon parang I got bored already. Kung noon kaya ko makipagusap sa tao kahit higit sampu sa isang araw and puro problema ang pinaguusapan niyo ngayon parang ewan hindi ko alam I am really confused yon talaga ang nafefeel ko!! I took a break already, walang trabaho and walang school lessons kasi nagkasakit ako pero when I got back to the world I used to have, ganon at ganon pa rin ang feeling ko. (kailangan ko na atang magpacounseling nito lol)

Knowing the deeper thought of social work, I have realized that it is not just a matter of helping people but a better understanding in every situation that we have in our life. Hindi naman ako pagod sa work ko, ito ang passion ko at I know ito ang gusto ko pero there’s something behind this, hindi ko lang siguro na-eexpress kung ano or hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano nga ba talaga, noon I found my contentment in life ngayon hindi ko na nararamdaman yon, even satisfaction in work, wala na rin ako, I felt like I already grew up and I still want more of what I am doing now.

Isumpa ko na kaya ang social work na course ano?! Hahaha punyets talaga!! Lumubo utak ko ng malaman ko ang mga katotohanan sa paligid natin!! I understand yet I am confused, pano ko ijujustify yan? =(

Kung ikarir ko na kaya ang pagiging denial queen

I have my own self-worth this time after a long silence about my life. I am a good or a great pretender in showing my true feelings, I am not a showy type of a person, I talk less either. Whenever I am sad, angry I just keep it to  myself until it will reach to it’s highest point na hindi ko na kaya at maburst out ko, sobra pa sa bomba talaga which I find it hindi maganda dahil malalim ang pinaghuhugotan ko. This is me and I am happy now that I am trying to rebuild myself in a manner that I am learning to correct my own mistakes in the past and I learned to be open with my feelings, happy man or malungkot but there are just instances na hindi pa rin nawawala sa akin yong pagiging denial queen ko lalo na pag-naiiyak na ako. Mind you kahit matigas ang mukha ko pusong mammon ako kahit hindi man bagay sa akin ang umiyak! lol

Self-worth because I manage to accept certain things in my life like ano ang ugali ko at saan galing yong ugali at pano ko ihahandle yong ugali ko. There are sensitive issues in my life that I considered, una na yong about sa panghuhusga ng ibang tao sa akin dahil yon ang nakikita lang nila without even asking me kung ano nga ba talaga. Slowly i am trying to understand that minsan we need to be open para Makita natin kung ano ba talaga ang gusto natin sa buhay at ano or san tayo mag-aadjust para wala tayong maapakan na ibang tao.

I am happy now that I gave myself a challenge also na dito sa pagbablog, maging open ako to whatever feelings that I have, may transparency in all the things na gagawin ko sa buhay ko and to share my thoughts, views, ideas without any hesitations and limitations. Chos!! Hehehe maniwala man kayo o hindi, seryos ako sa mga pinagsasabi ko!! Haha (ewan ko nalang kung maniwala pa kayo kung tumatawa ako sa ending!! Haha)

Ang tao kung makapaghusga nga naman

Ang tao nga naman talaga ay tao lang! kung ano ang nakikita, yon na kagad ang nakatatak sa isip. Hindi ko personality ang magpretend dahil yon ang gusto ng ibang tao or majority reasons eh dahil kailangan dahil isang image ng babae ako. It is been an issue sa ibang tao kung ano ako, they will always have that judgment na “tomboy” or a “bisexual’ and the like, whatever it is, IT’S NOT!! I am straight yon ang alam ko sa pagkatao ko!!

Almost all of the people who will look at me will directly judge me kung ano ako at sino ako (putah dibah!!) dahil sa kilos ko na boyish then hinuhusgaan ka na kagad!! I grew up with my dad because my mom was so busy sa career niya, my childhood was with my dad, kung ano ang laro ng panlalaki yon din ang nilalaro ko syempre alangan naman maglalaro ng barbie yong tatay ko diba? Definitely, marbles, kite, sipa bola and yong laro ng mga batang lalaki yon ang nagagawa ko noon.

Ngayon na super grown up na ako, I am labeled and judged na “tomboy” dahil lang sa kilos ko. It is not my fault naman siguro na ganito ako gumalaw, magsalita na parang lagi akong galit (LOL). Ang masasabi ko lang wala naman akong any relationship ever with the same sex, at hindi rin naman ako nagkakagusto sa same sex so how can that be? Diba?! hindi ko rin naman masabi na confused ako kasi alam ko naman ano ang gusto ko (hmmm...) at ano/saan ako maging masaya (LOL)

I have been into relationships pero hindi lang talaga nagwowork dahil mas dominant ako at ayoko kasi sa lalaki na ako pa ang magtuturo kung ano ang dapat gawin at I don’t want that he is learning from me but gusto ko I am learning something from him. Kaya malamang walang tumagal!! (hahaha)

Mas kilala ko ang sarili ko higit kanino pa man and this is the time I am confident enough to bring up issues like this kasi isa lang ang masabi ko “handa na akong isiwalat ang buhay ko dito!!”  (hahaha may ganong balak talaga!!) I just really don’t understand people, madami akong kilala nga nagdadamit sobrang sexy pero kasama nila sa bahay eh isang “bisexual” tapos ako na nagdadamit lang ng t-shirt, pants at sneakers napagkakamalan ng tomboy!! Ano ba namang buhay to diba!! Ang tao nga naman!!!

Hindi naman porket 2012 na ngayon eh magdamit ako ayon sa gusto ng ibang tao para lang hindi ako mahusgahan!! I don’t think I need to please everybody, medyo tumanda na ako ng konti ata sa pagtatanggol sa sarili ko sa ibang tao dahil lang sa kilos ko kaya this time gaya ng dati, keber!!! Mamatay nalang sa inggit kung ako ay may future pang makapag-asawa!! (hahaha)

Medyo hindi ako sa women’s department, hindi rin naman sa men’s siguro pwede na sa akin ang unisex department kung meron man!! Dahil katawan babae ako pero ang mga damit ko ay simply lang, tshirt, pants at sneakers!! Basta ang alam ko straight ako kahit ano pang sabihin ng ibang tao, nagkataon lang talaga na yong kilos ko eh mas macho pa sa ibang nagmamacho-machohan!! (hahaha)

The very first morning of SENDONG

7:00 am – I woke up and prepare myself to go to school for a party for the children of Cala-cala, macasandig (totally wash out area) and Singapore, balulang. My mind was already set that we will have a party that Saturday morning.

I wasn’t able to sleep well that night because walang kuryente.

Around 8:00 am – I am on my way to school, as I pass along the Capistrano st. I have seen people walking na puro putik, ang iba naman nakaupo sa corner ng daan, magkasama ang buong pamilya. A part of the street going down (isla delta) makikita mo yong putik na hanggang tuhod, so I said to myself that moment na normal lang yon since lagi ko naman naririnig na nagkakaron ng baha in the area.

Pagkadating ko sa school mga 8:30 na ata yon, nakiramdam ako at lahat ng tao wala kang Makita na nakasmile, lahat parang nagpapanic. So I went to our department at ayon doon ko nalaman na may masamang nangyari sa city.

Mga 1 am pala non – I received a text from a classmate ang sabi niya “grabeh yong baha sa bridge” dahil hindi ako comfortable that night kasi nga walang kuryente, I just ignore his text.

Busy lahat ng tao sa school, syempre yong party definitely wala na dahil nga na-wash out yong area, ang party sana naming that morning eh yong mga bata na nakatira sa cala-cala. Dahil nasa social work program ako (I am studying social work currently) nagging busy kami with the immediate needs of the victims.

Mga 10:00 in the morning na siguro yon when I and my friends/classmates decided to look for a food kasi wala pa kaming kain (nag-expect kasi kami sa party), lahat tindahan around the school premises WALANG RICE, even Jollibee at that time near our school SARADO. Ikot kami ng ikot, nagtanong kami sa mga tindahan bakit naubosan ng rice, sabi nila most of the people ONLY BUY RICE at that time. I felt the scarcity of food and water din that morning at lahat ng tindahan laging may nakapila, unusual yong ganon sa ordinary days lang.

Mafefeel mo talaga yong gutom ng mga tao, uhaw sa tubig at yong grief nila over to their loved ones na nawala at missing pa yong iba. Yong oras parang ang bilis-bilis at that time, lahat naghahanap saan na yong mga kapamilya nila, kamag-anak, sa piling daan may Makita kang patay na tinakpan lang ng kumot nag-aantay ng kamag-anak para kunin. It was the worst, sad morning I felt in my whole life.

i don't own this pic. i just got this from google.

I don’t know how to react, how I can help the victims, how can I comfort them either. In the afternoon, ng magbukas na ang Jollibee, we hurried and charged our cellphones for communication. Kahit Jollibee naubusan din ng pagkain, basta ang natandaan ko lang na natira sa kanila that time is yong spaghetti at kahit water ubos na ren.

Late in the afternoon, almost mag-gabi na we went to west city central to delivered food for the victims (yong luto na talaga ready to eat na) and after sumama kami sa cosmopolitan funeral homes kasi yong kasama namin (isang madre) may dinalaw sa funeral home at doon nakita ko ang mga pamilya na naka-abang dahil nawawala yong kamag-anak nila at nagbabakasakali na Makita man lang nila yong bangkay.

It was a long day for me. Actually in between madami pa akong hindi naikwento, isusunod ko nalang. The whole night, hindi ako nakatulog. Sa totoo lang, I was really bothered kahit sino naman siguro. Wala man akong kamag-anak na nagging victim sa sendong pero as a citizen, I couldn’t imagine how they survived that catastrophe. Paulit-ulit nasa utak ko “what if sa akin or sa amin nangyari yon” ano kaya ang gagawin ko, mabubuhay pa kaya ako? (sad)

Maitim + white balak = Gray na balak

I was supposed to write an entry last night but since sobrang BADTRIP ako kahapon kaya I slept early nalang. I have been thinking to burst it out what I felt yesterday but I chose not to nalang because I might say words that is not appropriate at mas lalong maging masama ang tingin ng ibang tao sa akin. KEBS ko nalang!!!

This time I have come to many realizations in life that sometimes you just have to go on to your own battle alone, decide without asking other’s opinion and kill them silently!!! Hahaha I’ve come to think that the battle and competition in life is always there beside us, we just tend to ignore it because we uphold our values and traditions yet there are just some people doesn’t care what we feel. So ngayon, ito lang ang masasabi ko, HUMANDA kayo!!! I have been so reliant to other people NOON pero ngayon I am starting to live and believe on my own capacity to do and choose decisions as long as I have God with me. Everything will be fine I know.

Life must go on, I know my anger will last for a day or couple of days. Depende. (rarrr..lol) one thing I can assure myself now, I will not give myself fully to the people whom the same may mga maitim na balak sa akin!! Kahit anong maputing balak pa ang nasa akin kung maitim naman sa kanila, maging gray yon so meaning black still prevails!! LOL dahil maging gray ang balak ko sure ako hindi naman ganon kabrutal ang mangyayari!! hahaha

bahala na basta ang alam ko I will do it my way!!! Come and see it!!! 

Stepping back

I started to believe in my dreams again to the new profession I chose to commit in life, to trust in myself once more, to regain back everything that has been lost and to set another goal to reach. There are a lot of things in the past why I failed in life, but still I am thankful for those failures because it helped me to become the person of who I am now.

There was once a dream that someday I will be an architect but I accepted the reality that yes it has been my world but it was never really my life. I am pointing it that my world spins on it but the profession never gave me life. There’s always a great pride there why I didn’t give up pushing the course even if I already have a hard time dealing with my subjects already. A pride wherein I know that there are just a few women in that field who succeeded in the profession, plus the fact that everybody knows you are good in math and can impressed people because definitely you can draw! I know I can make it but there are a lot of circumstances came in my life at that time, I couldn’t get the concentration I want, I easily get discouraged whenever I heard bad news or situations within the family, I was really lost, I admit that. I have no one to talk to about my personal problems; I don’t trust myself so how can I trust others.

I wasted my years but I did not regret because I believed that every mistake or decision that we make in our life, we are responsible to whatever it will lead us to take. I fall but I learned to get up on my own!

A lot of things in the past I didn’t do which I want it to do it now. To me, it’s not yet too late to correct mistakes, in fact I am learning on it. Sometimes I just laughed at those blunder because now I am doing the things which I didn’t do before. The motto that I have now in my life is “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” I find it so funny everytime I thought of that because I couldn’t believe that I actually do things now that I don’t do it. Given example there was whenever there is a class reporting, role play, oral quiz well expect me to be absent on that day. I was lack of self-confidence and I was afraid of standing in front of my classmates but now gaining it through time, experience and mistakes, I always make it sure that I am on the first batch, first one to do the task given.

It’s really a long journey in my life already, I may not know everything yet because I am still learning every moment I lived my life now but one thing I am thankful now is that I see the different person in me, I was not anymore the person with a lot of fears. I started to believed in what I can do for myself and to others, what I can give without expecting anything in return and social work profession has helped me opened my eyes to reality, my heart to my real emotions and my life for a completion.  

Weighing Emotions

As I went home tonight, there are a lot of things in my mind. I thought of those times when I started to learn how to accept things just the way they are.

I couldn’t forget the first two weeks in school, I burst it out, and I can’t control those emotions that I have at that time. I felt the weight in my heart because every day, it always reminds me of my mom. Everything is so fresh, the pain is still there, the wounds won’t heal, and it’s getting even deeper. I tried to give a part of myself to let it out, to somehow let my ill feelings out through a professional help from our program coordinator. I had mixed emotions because she was a very good friend of my mom; she knew almost everything what happened to my mom’s career and our life. i know that “papunta pa lang ako, pabalik na siya” The feelings I had that moment was like the first time I knew I have given a “transparent” emotion towards her, I couldn’t help myself anymore, it was really heavy, so definitely she is not a friend of my mom that moment, not even our program coordinator but a friend.

I have no one to talk about it at home, the more I shared it with my sister the more I felt that anger and hatred so I have to choose not to say anything about it or I am going to take more pain from her side. I was so silent all those years, I have seen how my mom cried day and night, every moment she remembered how her co-social workers betrayed her. Everyone thought that I was strong because I don’t let my emotions visible to everyone. I am not a talky type of a person; I am passive because to some situations that I just wanted to ignore it so I will not get hurt.

Social work has opened my eyes, my heart and emotions. If I was the person who says a few words, now i am person who wanted to share more. I tried to understand every point in my life where there is too much pain, frustration, desperation and hurt but sometimes I would end up asking still “why?” I am not questioning why God gave us this instead I am asking for a question of “why it has to go that far?”

Well, now I slowly start to pick up the broken pieces in my life. 

It was designed to teach me

From my old blog 2 years ago...

When we look back on how we lived our lives, made decisions, chose paths to take and realize that we regret doing the things we’ve done, the choices we’ve made and the roads we chose to follow. There should be no room for regrets because everything in our lives happened for a reason. A purpose…all events and choices lead us to where we ought to be. Our destiny…so we have no reason at all.

Things happen because they are designed to teach you something. Every step you take, positive or not, you will find hurdles in your way, discouraging you, willing you to fail.  Sometimes you give in and do fail. And other times, you don’t. But with each passing hurdle, each fall, you are carved into a different person, just like the molten iron which must be beaten before it attains its final beauty and form. Remember that life was designed to give you that splendor of shape and sinew, and that it could never have been achieved with you making the mistakes you made and realizing them never to make them again. Regrets come in the way of your will to never make the same mistakes again and if it were for them, you would just end up getting beaten harder and harder, till the iron smith realizes you cannot be carved and throws you away for good.

Moving on will help you make yourself into something and someone that you, yourself can respect, despite the hand of fate or destiny or incidents in making you that person.

Christmas without you

Today is the last day of August and tomorrow will be the start of “BER” September, October, November and December. This means that Christmas is almost again to happen. Personally, there would be a lot of changes this year. We will celebrate Christmas without my mom.

Sometimes I don’t want to mention about my mom because it always reminds me of what life we have been, what pain we went through, I always remember how much she suffered from pain because of the people wants to see her in despair. I could always think of revenge but what will be the benefit I will have if I take an action soon, what I could get, it’s nothing!  

I am trying to reconstruct my life now; I am starting all over again. I am trying to move on and forget what we have been. Christmas won’t be the same without mom, I am sure of that. Gonna miss her chocolate cake, humba, chicken binacol, sapin-sapin, ube jam, suman, etc. all I wish that someday whatever pain I have now will be healed soon.

I am facing now the greatest challenge in my life, to prove and stand in behalf of my mom, I know I will never be like her but one thing I know, I can do something more. There are still unfinished issues in my life and I want to start it now without any hesitations. This time I am willing to face whatever failures will come my way, I guess I am now ready to face another chapter of my life with bravery.  Like what I always told myself, “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” it will never be a perfect journey but at least now I am trying to give more what I have given in the past. 

Random thoughts came

I have been busy lately so I was not able to update my personal blog. It is I think also my choice to keep myself again away from emotions and thoughts. I’ve been dealing a lot personally and I just want to escape it for a moment. I gave a thought that one day I am going to treat myself outside the city, a place where I can only see mountains, rivers and trees, I just wanted to ease the pain I felt it, I just want to run away from reality.

When I started to go back to school, I decided to leave everything behind, my old blog which has been my life, my world and a friend to me. I told myself now that I am going to take another hit this time, another world where I can jive in, I can talk with my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts and my passion. I am not good in writing, but I certainly believed that in blogging, no one will correct you; no one orders you what to write. One motto I have in blogging was “blog ko ‘to, wag kang makialam, gumawa ka ng sarili mo lol!”

It has been tough to leave the old life and start a new one, in all things. I am not sure if this time; I will find the happiness I found in my old blog, I am not also sure if this time everything will be real. I am still sure of giving my all, myself to the things I love to do, my passion in blogging. Life is different now, it may be hard but I know it’s the best way after all.