Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Weighing Emotions

As I went home tonight, there are a lot of things in my mind. I thought of those times when I started to learn how to accept things just the way they are.

I couldn’t forget the first two weeks in school, I burst it out, and I can’t control those emotions that I have at that time. I felt the weight in my heart because every day, it always reminds me of my mom. Everything is so fresh, the pain is still there, the wounds won’t heal, and it’s getting even deeper. I tried to give a part of myself to let it out, to somehow let my ill feelings out through a professional help from our program coordinator. I had mixed emotions because she was a very good friend of my mom; she knew almost everything what happened to my mom’s career and our life. i know that “papunta pa lang ako, pabalik na siya” The feelings I had that moment was like the first time I knew I have given a “transparent” emotion towards her, I couldn’t help myself anymore, it was really heavy, so definitely she is not a friend of my mom that moment, not even our program coordinator but a friend.

I have no one to talk about it at home, the more I shared it with my sister the more I felt that anger and hatred so I have to choose not to say anything about it or I am going to take more pain from her side. I was so silent all those years, I have seen how my mom cried day and night, every moment she remembered how her co-social workers betrayed her. Everyone thought that I was strong because I don’t let my emotions visible to everyone. I am not a talky type of a person; I am passive because to some situations that I just wanted to ignore it so I will not get hurt.

Social work has opened my eyes, my heart and emotions. If I was the person who says a few words, now i am person who wanted to share more. I tried to understand every point in my life where there is too much pain, frustration, desperation and hurt but sometimes I would end up asking still “why?” I am not questioning why God gave us this instead I am asking for a question of “why it has to go that far?”

Well, now I slowly start to pick up the broken pieces in my life. 

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