Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

Just go

I still think of you after all this time, I just don’t have the heart anymore to say how you've been and how you’re holding up. It’s just so painful, I know, but this is all for the best, for the best of you and me. I still want to say how much I love you but it’s not right anymore. I could still hear you laughing, your smile kills me. If only I could turn back everything to make things right for us, I wish I could. Loving you is the best thing I did in my life and I never regret that.

I wish I could still say it how much I miss you, the endless goodnights and I love you’s, waking me up in the middle of the night just to make me feel I am secured. I surely miss all that. It’s killing me. It has been so hard but I am trying everything I could to forget you. I had the best of times with you and I just can’t throw it all away like that. I don’t know where in the world you are now and I don’t want to know anymore, I don’t want to feel that pain again, I don’t want to go back in time where I felt I was so drowned.

I have my family and friends, yes, but I still feel so empty, I just couldn't explain it. It’s not right anymore, it’s not gonna work and I am not holding it back everything between us because without me now, your life will be in much place. You will be seeing your true happiness in time and I am not yet so sure if my heart supports that. I just wanted to shout what’s in my heart now, I just couldn't, I already did that once and I don’t want to do it again.

I am really trying but I didn't realize that this will hurt me so much. I am not yet ready to let you go because I just don’t know how. i am even afraid to know if you have given your heart already to someone new, I am not ready for that even. I understand my feelings but I can’t find a way to comfort it. How long I will go through this? I can’t wait to see what lies ahead of me, I know there is, because I believed that in every end there’s a new beginning. I hope this is all temporary for now because I can’t bare it anymore. 

I never stop loving

Sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves, we need to go back in the past in order to understand all the things that is happening to us right now, we need to reflect in order to do more what we think we can do.

When you lost a person in your life, you will realize that life is short. You will tend to ask yourself what were the good deeds you do to others. Am I ready to face God when the time of my death arrives? But you know what, when my mom died, what comes first into my mind when I heard the doctor says “time of death” – does the values mom gave us is enough already for us to face the world without her? Yes, I really thought of that, because in our family, family values are one of the important aspects we need to look up to. The words of my mother is the same words with my uncles (her brothers), me and my sister’s thoughts or perspective on the way we see life is the same with my cousins (her brother’s sons’ and daughters’). We are all seeing realities in life, we deal with what is the truth about life and that help me to endure all the problems in time.

I am not expressive, I may be too silent with my feelings in the past but when social work nurtured me to speak up, I have learned to voice out everything, it may be that I am mad or happy, I learned to open myself to the reality, sometimes we need to say what’s in our heart, good or bad, so the pain won’t dwell in your heart. Take some time to let your heart breathe.

When I lost my mom, I tried the best I could to stand for my family, for my father and sister. I am not my mother, I am not even trying to be my mother but all I can do is to be me as a person I know. But, I am really my mother’s “replica” no matter how I try to avoid her mannerisms, behaviors, attitude, even the way she deliver her words of encouragement, to discuss matters on the table, her perspectives in life, it’s in me, it’s in my blood and veins, I could not get away from it. The more I discover about myself as I grow up, the more I understand who my mom is. I could no longer deny it that I ran into her footsteps after all this time.

I am missing my mom, of course, but I need to be strong not to miss her that much because it will definitely kill my emotions. I have a soft heart it just doesn’t show. i can still feel mom until now, I could still see her in my dreams, reminding of simple things I used to forget when she was still alive, whenever exams is approaching – she’s always sitting beside me in my dreams, when problems pop up – she keeps on ranting but I couldn’t hear it. I always tell she’s still here I just couldn’t see her. I believed in my instinct.  

If mom is still alive now, probably she won’t stop ranting us until we get the life we deserve it. mothers’ knows best and that is proven in time! 

The path i walked in

I’m going to break my heart one more time again. Sometimes I find it healthy to get hurt, to feel pain, be happy at all times. It’s life, it’s something to live with. It’s something to offer to yourself for us to grow up and learn from our mistakes. When I decided to pick up those shattered pieces in my life, I was firm with that decision, I was right then. My life now is turning into something I want. No fear, just little doubts.

I always remember my mom telling us always everyday “wala’y ga-una nga gabasol” and I appreciate that while I was growing up. At this point in my life, there are few regrets but I am making it sure now I could patch up everything, it may not be the same but at least it is almost. There are a lot of things I don’t want that others will take the same path like I did, but sometimes I think people has to go through a difficult times in order to appreciate what life is. Life could give us all the happiness in the world if we only know how to appreciate it.

I am not sure if there is somebody who could tell me that he or she is brave enough to stand without tears in letting your heart be freed just from the moment you started to feel the pain inside you that not even you can explain what kind of hurt you are feeling. I was like that once, I think, but I realized that it’s easier to let go when you can cry it out what’s in your heart, it’s easier to understand why sometimes we need to go through difficult times. We tend to ask a lot of questions, we want to know the answers right away because we are doubtful if we can pass through or not, all this time the lesson I have learned is to wait for the right time, perfect moment to come where we can tell that everything happens for a reason.

Weighing Emotions

As I went home tonight, there are a lot of things in my mind. I thought of those times when I started to learn how to accept things just the way they are.

I couldn’t forget the first two weeks in school, I burst it out, and I can’t control those emotions that I have at that time. I felt the weight in my heart because every day, it always reminds me of my mom. Everything is so fresh, the pain is still there, the wounds won’t heal, and it’s getting even deeper. I tried to give a part of myself to let it out, to somehow let my ill feelings out through a professional help from our program coordinator. I had mixed emotions because she was a very good friend of my mom; she knew almost everything what happened to my mom’s career and our life. i know that “papunta pa lang ako, pabalik na siya” The feelings I had that moment was like the first time I knew I have given a “transparent” emotion towards her, I couldn’t help myself anymore, it was really heavy, so definitely she is not a friend of my mom that moment, not even our program coordinator but a friend.

I have no one to talk about it at home, the more I shared it with my sister the more I felt that anger and hatred so I have to choose not to say anything about it or I am going to take more pain from her side. I was so silent all those years, I have seen how my mom cried day and night, every moment she remembered how her co-social workers betrayed her. Everyone thought that I was strong because I don’t let my emotions visible to everyone. I am not a talky type of a person; I am passive because to some situations that I just wanted to ignore it so I will not get hurt.

Social work has opened my eyes, my heart and emotions. If I was the person who says a few words, now i am person who wanted to share more. I tried to understand every point in my life where there is too much pain, frustration, desperation and hurt but sometimes I would end up asking still “why?” I am not questioning why God gave us this instead I am asking for a question of “why it has to go that far?”

Well, now I slowly start to pick up the broken pieces in my life. 

Personal Encounter Activity

I have a lot of thoughts running through in my mind now. I don’t even know where and how to start. But anyways, today I had a blast from our workshop on social development encounter. At first I was a bit anxious because I know where it will lead but I believed that I wasn’t able to give all myself to the workshop because definitely I did not burst out. I know there are still a lot of things in me that is need to be processed but I guess today was not enough to deal my personal thoughts and emotions. Slowly I already have this acceptance that things in the past will always be a history but there are still questions in my mind that needs an answer.

During the workshop, my thoughts are running, my emotions are puzzled.  I know that there are a lot of people out there whom have bigger problems than what I had but there is only one word I wanted to search, I wanted to find it, I wanted to reach it “justice.” I believed that entering the world of social work is one point in my life to search for those questions, to find myself even better.

Sometimes, I don’t want to hear anything from home, I don’t want to hear my sister’s heartache over those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death because it will create hatred on my part, I started to get angry again, I even wanted more to seek justice. They didn’t kill my mom literally but they get the life where my mom should have it until she grew old.

I know this is only the beginning of my journey as a social work student, I may not answer some questions now but I am hoping to find those answers along the way. I couldn’t even give a single answer to a simple question of “is there revenge deep in your heart now?” honestly, I don’t know. I may be hypocrite to answer that but all I can say is “I really don’t know because I don’t know what will happen tomorrow; I don’t know what will come in my way!” There are simple questions that stunned me somehow, I just carried it well.

I have enjoyed our activity today and I am looking forward for more activities next semester. There are a lot learning’s today and I am grateful to have along with us Mam M. , Mam Winnie and Mam Melfie. Thanks to you all!

Well, yeah I guess maybe I need help professionally. I will just take time to absorb everything.

Leaving the old tracks

I was about to make my write up for my English class when I thought of arranging my old books first before I will sit and plan for tomorrow’s assignment. I saw my old architecture books and it reminds me of the life that I had way back there, those memories and learning’s. This is the quote I came up with when I decided to shift my world, “architecture has been my world, but it was never my life after all” – it means that once in my life, I dreamt to be an architect, to be part of the elite community, to stand proud and prove that I can make it even if I am a woman yet my fate shifted unexpectedly.

I dropped that dream, it was a profound and major decision but I stood despite of the hurtful words came from other people. Later on, I have gradually gained my confidence again and eventually I learned to accept that there are things even how much you want it, you can’t have it. I started to work in the social services and there, I have found my life. I felt the contentment whenever I knew I have helped people who are in need. If I was happy with my old world or my old life, I am happier when I started to feel the fulfillment in serving our less fortunate brothers and sisters.

Moreover, when I was done arranging those books, finally I’ve told myself that it’s about time and I am ready to let go what I have had in the past, I am now willing to give or re-sell those books in a half or one-fourth of the original price, this is the time I could finally say that everything is over and I am happy with the new environment and the life where my world is spinning now, I am glad to take part to the social work program of Lourdes College.