Isang huling iyak daw

After I posted my last entry, I tried to open my winamp and boom! Boom! Suddenly it’s a love song! Bohahaha one last cry ang drama ni winamp! Tan-ena! i forgot to change my playlist earlier while Im in the office. The music is trying to change my mood after being “a little angry” mood kanina. Probably this will lead to drama! Walang funny sa one last cry! Hahaha I did that, I really did that but there’s still pain inside my heart that I couldn’t explain it, I can’t even express it. I am not lonely, I am not sad, maybe I am just hurt and I accepted that feeling.

I told you, maging madamdamin na ang post nato dahil sa lintik na one last cry na yan! Bohahaha I wanted to laugh about it pero seriously if only alam niya how much I am missing the old days, the old us, killing me softly ang dating ng feeling na yan! (saksakin ang puso!!) hindi ko rin pweding tapatan ng kanta ni dingdong avanzado ba? The “why can’t it be”  because hindi nga talaga pwedi! Tatanga tanga ako kapag go ng go go ako! This emotion is just temporary, I will go through this, I still have a life and a dream to reach. Kaya ko ‘to! Hahaha kebs na!!

Medyo matagal din na hindi ako nakinig sa playlist nato, tambak! Tinago at  nilibing! Hinukay ko para malaman saan na ba ang puso ko!! Charus!! Hahaha pero ang totoo I still feel the pain! Heeeww! I am trying, I keep on telling myself na kaya ko to! I did this before, I can still do this now! maybe one day, I will lose my feelings but I always remember how great it was. Hanggang doon nalang!! Tapos ang usapan! Lels!!

Secret comfort zone

I am not ready to reveal what my real feelings towards other people, this blog site, I am keeping this for long, I kept it as a secret to my family, friends and acquaintances either, I am not afraid to be judged by them, I know who are real and not. It is just a choice not to tell them about it because I just don’t want it. I’d rather trust people who have same passion virtually than sharing these to people I know they will just talk about you. I take this as my secret comfort zone and I’d rather leave it that way.

What I have shared here is different of how they see me personally, I am stiff, I have strong personality, straight forward, I tell directly what I want and don’t, I sometimes want things to be done immediately, growing up now I have learned to value time that’s why I hate procrastination. I always insist that yes I have strong personality but not everybody  knows I am sweet, it just doesn’t show and can’t be justified the way I speak. I have a big heart, but I just want to keep it to myself.

How you act doesn’t define who you are, that’s what I have learned in life. Do what makes you happy, in every little thing you do, make sure you find contentment. Life is easy, we just make it complicated, if we learn to be contented in all the things we do, probably there will be no more confusions and we learn to value what we have. I don’t care too much now on how people think about me, I let them talk, I let them throw me a stone and I make it sure I throw them back kindness despite of how they think about me. This is me and I cannot change that, if I'll do that, I will never be me at all. Being good to other people no matter how they break you, you will still stand out, because you just proved to them that you are strong enough to face them and I learned to do that after all this time. 

Constructive Self-improvement

Whooaa!!! I need a shock absorber now!! as in now na!! and I just thought of blogging it rather than telling it to somebody. There’s no issue actually, it’s just a matter of misunderstanding and definitely there is just perception barrier between two parties. Anyway, that’s over now.

What I am amazed now is that, I never taught that I have changed in time, I definitely learned to control my temper, anger in some situations that arises unexpectedly. Well life has taught me a lot now, it helped me to weigh things out and personally, I learned to accept criticism for a personal self-improvement.

It’s has been a heavy day knowing that there were issues that has been brought up that I for myself don’t have any idea that it was an issue already. You know what I mean? There were just maybe gestures, reactions that other people may perceive it wrongly. No hard feelings. People come to respond from their action that has been shown or the words that has been spoken, sometimes it always differ with the approach we’ve shown to other people. One should just be resilient in accepting things the way they are or ought to be.

It’s just a mixed of emotion, I am not confused now, I am not even angry or mad, maybe what I have understand with my feelings presently is I am just wondering what really went wrong but the good thing then is, there’s a clear closure on some issues. Thanks to the people who are open minded and willing to accept constructive criticism for self-improvement. 

Recharge, Reborn, Rebuild Life

Weekend has been busy, i tried to learn the word “determination” and “motivation” in losing my weight! (lels!! Hahaha) seriously, I woke up so early to take a jog (Saturday) and a long walk by 5am (Sunday) and my jogging buddy suggested that I should enrol myself to the gym where she used to go, so right after we had a jog last Saturday TADAAHH!! we went to the gym and apply for a losing program. This time I need to work on things because sayang yong pera na pinambayad!! Hahaha ok so here is my plan now, hoping to be consistent in what I do and will not stop doing things I started.

One major reasons to lose weight is yong goiter ko, hindi pa naman halata pero it’s already there (it runs in the family genes) so for whatever operation in the future at least my body is ready for that, second is practicum will be coming so soon, a year from now so I need to fix myself because of the uniforms and I will be working on the field so I should be physically fit and lastly for some personal reasons also. (akin nalang yon muna? Hehehehe)

I am happy of what I am doing now kasi it helps me to be so busy in my life, pretending not to have problems, trying not to think about it because I don’t need to be so depressed on some matters. Classes starts next week the same so definitely I will learn to adapt “multi-tasking” job in my daily routing. Waking up early to prepare for work, after work I will be going to school and drop myself to the gym even for an hour, well I hope things will work out the way I think now.

I won’t lose this chance of losing and gaining something in my life, it’s I think about I need a change of routine, a change of points of view. Life has been tough to me in the past years and I want to see life differently so I am starting to rebuild myself, I will try burn what I had in the past and learn to live what has been given to me presently, future will come soon as long as I will complete what I want in my life now, everything will follow anyways. =) 

Taking step forward

I woke up half-hearted. I couldn’t explain the exact reason why, I just felt that my heart now is heavy probably there’s one person I want to comfort me, the smile would mean a lot. Choosing the life I have now will change my life forever and my future either. I know this is all I want, my dreams to be pursued. I wanted to finish the race I have promised to my late mom and I am keeping it for now. I am happy with the life I had but still it feels like there’s still missing but maybe this is just a temporary feeling until everything is over and gone. What’s keeping me busy now is my job, my studies and my dreams as well. There’s a lot to sacrifice in life and I want to feel every moment I am learning those discoveries i encounter as I walk in my journey. 

For now I know I made a right decision of pursuing what I really want in life. I still love my mom even if she already passed away, having this dreams I am doing now is one proof that my love will never stop and I am going to finish her race the same. When she died, it was my turning point and I am starting to change my life, the life I used to have and I learn to dream more than what I know I can. I know this feeling will pass through it’s time but now I just couldn’t help it and I am trying to keep myself busy chattering on social network, connecting old friends and learning to break the wall inside me. I wanted to cry to release everything I have in my heart now but i want to do it in a place where all I can see is all color green, the trees and bushes, I even wanted to run after the cows, chicken and experience for a while to roam around in a flower field, I think that will help me lift my spirit back.

Life has to move forward every day and we need not to stop just because we are confused, stressed out, hurt and frustrated, this is hard I know when I felt like the world is on me, the pain can’t get out in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my brain. It’s over I know and life has to start again. 

Hindi forever tanga ang isang tao

Para akong tanga while listening to my deviance class kasi sa totoo lang hindi naman natin malalaman na deviant na tayo if mismong word na yan hindi nag-eexists sa daily life natin. Shet! Haha yon ang stand ko lagi to myself that since now ko lang nalaman ang term ng deviant or deviance (meaning nito eh beyond norms, beyond normal na action sa isang tao) nakikita ko na ang pagiging deviant ko! Potah! Hahaha this is where I learned to accept my whole being (may genun talaga) kasi sa totoo lang in denial kasi ako sa lahat ng nararamdaman ko kahit sobrang hurt na aki!! Kebs pa rin!! Pero  malambot pa ako sa mammon pag di na keri!! Haha

Ito na ang kwento ko at ikarir kong ichismis ang buhay ko sa inyo. Sinabi ko sa last post ko na dumaan ako sa isang depression na hindi ko alam depression na pala yon! Hahaha shet talaga!! Kahapon sa klase ko yon ang pinagusapan at pinag-aralan, ako keep quiet lang kasi tinatamaan ako sa pinagsasabi ng teacher ko about sa depression, kebs lang muna ako, gusto kong tumawa man sa sarili ko kasi wala akong kamalay malay na ang pinagdaanan ko eh sobrang depression na pala yon noon. Good thing because I learned it, I just laughed about it now and I accepted it.

I got depressed kasi I stopped schooling noon for 1 semester and I feel like nadisappoint ko ang parents ko. Hindi naman ako nalulong sa druga no, hindi rin naman sa love life pero yong hiya sa sarili, sa ibang tao at sa pamilya. Wala lang akong gana magaral noon kasi madaming problema na dumating, hindi ko kinaya paano ko harapin, mahina ang loob ko at wala akong laban kahit gusto ko mang lumaban parang helpless na helpless ako. Normal lang nagagalit ang magulang pero sa mga pagkakataong yon hindi ko alam bakit ganon ang naging reaction ko, sa sobrang hiya ko nagkulong ako sa kwarto.

At ito ang naging routine ko sa araw2x na yon.

Sa umaga late akong gumising, I am waiting for my parents to leave for office and my sister to go to school. buong umaga nasa kwarto lang ako, sa hapon nasa garahe lang ako at nagiisip at nakatingin sa langit, wala akong kausap, hindi ako nakikipagusap sa kahit sino, wala akong outlet. Feeling ko wala na akong kinabukasan at wala na akong silbi. Pagdating ng 5pm pasok na naman ako ulit sa kwarto kasi parating na sila galing work, hindi ako kakain buong gabi, kinaumagahan na ako kakain pag wala na naman sila. Yong kwarto ko ayoko ng ilaw, gusto ko madilim lang.

Ngayon ko lang narealize na na-depressed na pala ako noon kasi halos 2 months yon na ganon ang naging buhay ko, wala akong kausap at wala akong mapuntahan, hindi pa uso ang blogging noon kaya hindi ko naisip iladlad ang sarili ko dito. Lels. Natatawa ako ngayon nalang kasi nalagpasan ko ang stage na yon at nagawa kong ibangon ulit ang sarili ko kahit until now alam kong may sayad pa rin ang utak ko paminsan minsan, keri nalang!!

Salamat sa social work na kors dahil sayo naging tao na ako!! Hahaha nakakapagfunction na ako ng mabuti sa ibang tao at para sa sarili ko!! Haha debaterya!!

If you just want to know what's my secret

I just remembered when I started to face my life after the death of my mother, I am trying to search my own soul, myself and I have been so bothered with a lot of things, there’s a lot in my mind but I couldn’t find a way to express it. I am known to a few close friend of mine that I am not a talky type person, I seldom talk about my emotions and feelings, I am afraid of giving comments because I don’t to hurt other people as much as possible.

I believed in the power of mind, kasi when I told myself that I need to break the silence, I need to express what I feel, what’s inside my heart and what I am thinking, it happened in just one click. Its TRUE that if you want it, you will have it. In the case I had, it was a week that I am emotionally unstable. After work and class I couldn’t help but cry or i always feel that anger in my heart. Since hindi ko na kaya, I decided to consult a social worker in our department to seek a professional help.

I talked to our program coordinator who is a social worker licensed. I was crying and crying, I am not satisfied sa ano man ang iniyak ko, she just let me cry everything, she gave me a room to let out all my anger, hatred and my hidden feelings that moment. Parang isang doctor lang din sya na binigyan ako ng resita, yong resita na hindi gamot but a resita na dapat kong panoorin baka sakali daw magbago ang perspective ko sa buhay.

I downloaded what she told me, I tried to watch it but sa simula pa lang nabored ako eh so I ignore it. Kebs lang ako!! In denial pa rin ako in everything to what I feel, I am starting to understand what is really going on sa sarili ko pero andon pa rin yong galit ko sa pagkawala ng mom ko dahil she died na puro pasakit ng mundo ang binigay sa kanya, okay lang kasi yong walang ibang taong involved pero dahil there are people caused her too much pain, yon ang mahirap tanggapin.

One Sunday we had a personal encounter activity sa social work class namin. We were given a chance to speak one by one our strength, weaknesses and threat sa dreams at buhay namin. So I speak for myself. I thought that’s the end. The following day I come to visit her for just a small talk, kala ko she forgot kung ano2x ang mga pinagsasabi ko pero alam pa rin niya and sobrang natinag ako to what she just told me that moment “tapos na yon!! Leave it behind, tapos na ang sa mama mo, siya yon at ikaw ang ngayon, gawin mo ang para sayo hindi para sa mama mo!!” yong halong may galit pa talaga. Wala akong masabi, parang nahiya ako na hindi ko maexplain ang feeling ko that moment. At dahil dun, yong resita na sabi ko na binigay niya, I tried to watch it, this time pinagtyagaan ko, then i have learned kung ano talaga ang gusto niya mangyari sa buhay ko and ito ako ngayon I can say I am better, I have moved on and accept those things na noon parang ang hirap2x at ang feeling ko everyday was I am always hurt. I also learned her secret in life through the resita she gave me it’s “the secret.”

You might want to watch it, baka makatulong din sa inyo. Ngayon, I am learning also to accept the law of attraction in our life. Life is a little better now kahit lagi pa rin akong confused sa mga ilang bagay!! Punyeteks!! hahaha

Maitim + white balak = Gray na balak

I was supposed to write an entry last night but since sobrang BADTRIP ako kahapon kaya I slept early nalang. I have been thinking to burst it out what I felt yesterday but I chose not to nalang because I might say words that is not appropriate at mas lalong maging masama ang tingin ng ibang tao sa akin. KEBS ko nalang!!!

This time I have come to many realizations in life that sometimes you just have to go on to your own battle alone, decide without asking other’s opinion and kill them silently!!! Hahaha I’ve come to think that the battle and competition in life is always there beside us, we just tend to ignore it because we uphold our values and traditions yet there are just some people doesn’t care what we feel. So ngayon, ito lang ang masasabi ko, HUMANDA kayo!!! I have been so reliant to other people NOON pero ngayon I am starting to live and believe on my own capacity to do and choose decisions as long as I have God with me. Everything will be fine I know.

Life must go on, I know my anger will last for a day or couple of days. Depende. (rarrr..lol) one thing I can assure myself now, I will not give myself fully to the people whom the same may mga maitim na balak sa akin!! Kahit anong maputing balak pa ang nasa akin kung maitim naman sa kanila, maging gray yon so meaning black still prevails!! LOL dahil maging gray ang balak ko sure ako hindi naman ganon kabrutal ang mangyayari!! hahaha

bahala na basta ang alam ko I will do it my way!!! Come and see it!!! 

Weighing Emotions

As I went home tonight, there are a lot of things in my mind. I thought of those times when I started to learn how to accept things just the way they are.

I couldn’t forget the first two weeks in school, I burst it out, and I can’t control those emotions that I have at that time. I felt the weight in my heart because every day, it always reminds me of my mom. Everything is so fresh, the pain is still there, the wounds won’t heal, and it’s getting even deeper. I tried to give a part of myself to let it out, to somehow let my ill feelings out through a professional help from our program coordinator. I had mixed emotions because she was a very good friend of my mom; she knew almost everything what happened to my mom’s career and our life. i know that “papunta pa lang ako, pabalik na siya” The feelings I had that moment was like the first time I knew I have given a “transparent” emotion towards her, I couldn’t help myself anymore, it was really heavy, so definitely she is not a friend of my mom that moment, not even our program coordinator but a friend.

I have no one to talk about it at home, the more I shared it with my sister the more I felt that anger and hatred so I have to choose not to say anything about it or I am going to take more pain from her side. I was so silent all those years, I have seen how my mom cried day and night, every moment she remembered how her co-social workers betrayed her. Everyone thought that I was strong because I don’t let my emotions visible to everyone. I am not a talky type of a person; I am passive because to some situations that I just wanted to ignore it so I will not get hurt.

Social work has opened my eyes, my heart and emotions. If I was the person who says a few words, now i am person who wanted to share more. I tried to understand every point in my life where there is too much pain, frustration, desperation and hurt but sometimes I would end up asking still “why?” I am not questioning why God gave us this instead I am asking for a question of “why it has to go that far?”

Well, now I slowly start to pick up the broken pieces in my life. 

Personal Encounter Activity

I have a lot of thoughts running through in my mind now. I don’t even know where and how to start. But anyways, today I had a blast from our workshop on social development encounter. At first I was a bit anxious because I know where it will lead but I believed that I wasn’t able to give all myself to the workshop because definitely I did not burst out. I know there are still a lot of things in me that is need to be processed but I guess today was not enough to deal my personal thoughts and emotions. Slowly I already have this acceptance that things in the past will always be a history but there are still questions in my mind that needs an answer.

During the workshop, my thoughts are running, my emotions are puzzled.  I know that there are a lot of people out there whom have bigger problems than what I had but there is only one word I wanted to search, I wanted to find it, I wanted to reach it “justice.” I believed that entering the world of social work is one point in my life to search for those questions, to find myself even better.

Sometimes, I don’t want to hear anything from home, I don’t want to hear my sister’s heartache over those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death because it will create hatred on my part, I started to get angry again, I even wanted more to seek justice. They didn’t kill my mom literally but they get the life where my mom should have it until she grew old.

I know this is only the beginning of my journey as a social work student, I may not answer some questions now but I am hoping to find those answers along the way. I couldn’t even give a single answer to a simple question of “is there revenge deep in your heart now?” honestly, I don’t know. I may be hypocrite to answer that but all I can say is “I really don’t know because I don’t know what will happen tomorrow; I don’t know what will come in my way!” There are simple questions that stunned me somehow, I just carried it well.

I have enjoyed our activity today and I am looking forward for more activities next semester. There are a lot learning’s today and I am grateful to have along with us Mam M. , Mam Winnie and Mam Melfie. Thanks to you all!

Well, yeah I guess maybe I need help professionally. I will just take time to absorb everything.

It was designed to teach me

From my old blog 2 years ago...

When we look back on how we lived our lives, made decisions, chose paths to take and realize that we regret doing the things we’ve done, the choices we’ve made and the roads we chose to follow. There should be no room for regrets because everything in our lives happened for a reason. A purpose…all events and choices lead us to where we ought to be. Our destiny…so we have no reason at all.

Things happen because they are designed to teach you something. Every step you take, positive or not, you will find hurdles in your way, discouraging you, willing you to fail.  Sometimes you give in and do fail. And other times, you don’t. But with each passing hurdle, each fall, you are carved into a different person, just like the molten iron which must be beaten before it attains its final beauty and form. Remember that life was designed to give you that splendor of shape and sinew, and that it could never have been achieved with you making the mistakes you made and realizing them never to make them again. Regrets come in the way of your will to never make the same mistakes again and if it were for them, you would just end up getting beaten harder and harder, till the iron smith realizes you cannot be carved and throws you away for good.

Moving on will help you make yourself into something and someone that you, yourself can respect, despite the hand of fate or destiny or incidents in making you that person.