Friday, October 26, 2012

I never stop loving

Sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves, we need to go back in the past in order to understand all the things that is happening to us right now, we need to reflect in order to do more what we think we can do.

When you lost a person in your life, you will realize that life is short. You will tend to ask yourself what were the good deeds you do to others. Am I ready to face God when the time of my death arrives? But you know what, when my mom died, what comes first into my mind when I heard the doctor says “time of death” – does the values mom gave us is enough already for us to face the world without her? Yes, I really thought of that, because in our family, family values are one of the important aspects we need to look up to. The words of my mother is the same words with my uncles (her brothers), me and my sister’s thoughts or perspective on the way we see life is the same with my cousins (her brother’s sons’ and daughters’). We are all seeing realities in life, we deal with what is the truth about life and that help me to endure all the problems in time.

I am not expressive, I may be too silent with my feelings in the past but when social work nurtured me to speak up, I have learned to voice out everything, it may be that I am mad or happy, I learned to open myself to the reality, sometimes we need to say what’s in our heart, good or bad, so the pain won’t dwell in your heart. Take some time to let your heart breathe.

When I lost my mom, I tried the best I could to stand for my family, for my father and sister. I am not my mother, I am not even trying to be my mother but all I can do is to be me as a person I know. But, I am really my mother’s “replica” no matter how I try to avoid her mannerisms, behaviors, attitude, even the way she deliver her words of encouragement, to discuss matters on the table, her perspectives in life, it’s in me, it’s in my blood and veins, I could not get away from it. The more I discover about myself as I grow up, the more I understand who my mom is. I could no longer deny it that I ran into her footsteps after all this time.

I am missing my mom, of course, but I need to be strong not to miss her that much because it will definitely kill my emotions. I have a soft heart it just doesn’t show. i can still feel mom until now, I could still see her in my dreams, reminding of simple things I used to forget when she was still alive, whenever exams is approaching – she’s always sitting beside me in my dreams, when problems pop up – she keeps on ranting but I couldn’t hear it. I always tell she’s still here I just couldn’t see her. I believed in my instinct.  

If mom is still alive now, probably she won’t stop ranting us until we get the life we deserve it. mothers’ knows best and that is proven in time! 

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