I am not strong as i look

Deep breathe! Inhale and exhale! Woooootttt! Pppooooootttt!!! Pampam-parampam!!!

I am trying to comfort myself, hahaha syet, paking tape!

Nanahimik ako sa twitter, sa blog at kahit sa fb dahil may pinagdadaanan akong nakakaloka lang. it happened after nong interview at deliberation ko with my practicum. I think, during and on-going na interview na yan nagbreak down ako. 

I thought kaya ko, oo I know matapang ako, physically yes but emotionally I’m so weak. lol wala sa hitsura at aura ng isang tao ang pagiging matapang niya dahil people who have the most disguise sa sarili is yong nagtapang-tapangan, strong at palaging tumatawa.

I just can’t believe that nagbreak down ako sa araw ng interview na  yon, hindi ko mapigilan umiyak (Im so artista that moment hahaha) pero seriously, pigil na pigil nong una ang iyak kasi nakakahiya sa panel, may kalidad at op kors, they’re also my professors.

I cried because I don’t want to lose this chance and hope na I can make it ng march 2014. I was given an option na summer 2014 ako ggraduate kasi according sa policy ng school hindi pwedi magload ng subjects dahil practicum days ko na, nangyari yan dahil sa mga religious studies na naiwan at ibang minors ko na hindi nacredit dahil sa descriptive title. Hindi ko kayang tanggapin yon kasi feeling ko that moment, I am going to lose what I hope. I told them na, I can’t promise what I can give if they are going to push that option dahil ayoko ng dumaan ulet sa pinagdadaanan ko non, minsan na rin kasi akong nadepressed ng almost a year, nagbreak down ako sa buhay, I wasted it ng ilang taon din dahil hindi ko kinaya ang expectations ng mga magulang ko, hindi ako naka-live sa mga expectations nila and I lost my way (don’t worry hindi ako tumira ng drugs! Hahaha)

I learn to dream again para sa sarili ko nong nag-aral ako ulet dahil alam kong ito ang gusto ng nanay ko, ito ang iniwan niya bago sya namatay. Minsan na ring tinapon ko ang pangarap ko dahil like I said, hindi ko kinaya ang expectations nila, hindi ako nakabangon ng ilang taon hanggang umabot sa turning point na kailangan kong labanan ang lahat ng takot ko sa buhay. that moment I was talking to my professors, ang tanging alam kong nasabi ko was “don’t make me lose this chance and hope to believe and continue the dream that I learned to live it now” sabay ang bonggang iyak na effortless tumulo yong luha ko pati sipon ko, sirang sira ang eye liner, make up at feeling ko para akong batang umiiyak sa sobrang gutom hahahaha

Currently, hindi ko pa alam kung kaya ko na bumalik sa school para sa enrolment na yan, hahaha kasi I am weighing things out, ang nasa utak ko lang ngayon is, patuloy ng patuloy lang, taking all the risk, if kailangan ng short cuts then I will do that, by pass sa usual enrolment process then gagawin na, medyo desperate na ako talaga. Hahaha kebs na ako! Medyo natatawa ako na hindi ko pa natatanggap na nagbreak down ako sa araw ng interview! Hahaha syet.

Pasensya na at hindi ako nakadalaw sa inyong mga bahay, in time, magiingay ulet ako at darating na rin sa point na gusto niyo akong palayasin sa mga blog niyo. Hahaha charreettt lang!! basta I know everything may rason, isep-isep positive nalang  para magaan ang buhay. kaya kung ano man ang inyong mga pinagdadaanan din, it will help if you see it positively. kaya yan! we will just laugh nalang after we surpass those trials. 

Distorted thoughts

i decided to take this blog site permanently. I may be so busy in my life but I am still hoping I can drop myself, my thoughts and emotions here. i admit that I can’t recall things easily especially that runs over the years already, or maybe there are parts of my brain that refuses to remember some things unconsciously. In life, we can’t get away from problems, our intense emotions towards yourself, to other people even and I want to take that down every moment I spend with in my life. This blog site serves to be my partner in recalling things someday.

The good thing in blogging is no one will criticize your grammar, people give you the freedom to speak, to share and express what you got in yourself, it’s limitless. I have been blogging quite some time and It gave me a thought that if only I have saved those posts my emotions I had, probably I will be looking and reading them right now and think what have I done to myself! Hahaha

Blogging is one of my comfort zone as I say, I am free to express my feelings whether I am angry, sad or happy but so far what I’ve got was being angry, hurt and frustrated oh my gosh! Hahaha people might think I am not a happy person at all, lels!! Each person has his strong and weak points, no one is perfect! Our emotions are temporary because it changes in time, it varies. Maybe for now, I am not that happy as I wanted to be but soon enough I will find my own way to happiness. Anyways, happy blogging to me!! 

Taking step forward

I woke up half-hearted. I couldn’t explain the exact reason why, I just felt that my heart now is heavy probably there’s one person I want to comfort me, the smile would mean a lot. Choosing the life I have now will change my life forever and my future either. I know this is all I want, my dreams to be pursued. I wanted to finish the race I have promised to my late mom and I am keeping it for now. I am happy with the life I had but still it feels like there’s still missing but maybe this is just a temporary feeling until everything is over and gone. What’s keeping me busy now is my job, my studies and my dreams as well. There’s a lot to sacrifice in life and I want to feel every moment I am learning those discoveries i encounter as I walk in my journey. 

For now I know I made a right decision of pursuing what I really want in life. I still love my mom even if she already passed away, having this dreams I am doing now is one proof that my love will never stop and I am going to finish her race the same. When she died, it was my turning point and I am starting to change my life, the life I used to have and I learn to dream more than what I know I can. I know this feeling will pass through it’s time but now I just couldn’t help it and I am trying to keep myself busy chattering on social network, connecting old friends and learning to break the wall inside me. I wanted to cry to release everything I have in my heart now but i want to do it in a place where all I can see is all color green, the trees and bushes, I even wanted to run after the cows, chicken and experience for a while to roam around in a flower field, I think that will help me lift my spirit back.

Life has to move forward every day and we need not to stop just because we are confused, stressed out, hurt and frustrated, this is hard I know when I felt like the world is on me, the pain can’t get out in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my brain. It’s over I know and life has to start again. 

Ang tao kung makapaghusga nga naman

Ang tao nga naman talaga ay tao lang! kung ano ang nakikita, yon na kagad ang nakatatak sa isip. Hindi ko personality ang magpretend dahil yon ang gusto ng ibang tao or majority reasons eh dahil kailangan dahil isang image ng babae ako. It is been an issue sa ibang tao kung ano ako, they will always have that judgment na “tomboy” or a “bisexual’ and the like, whatever it is, IT’S NOT!! I am straight yon ang alam ko sa pagkatao ko!!

Almost all of the people who will look at me will directly judge me kung ano ako at sino ako (putah dibah!!) dahil sa kilos ko na boyish then hinuhusgaan ka na kagad!! I grew up with my dad because my mom was so busy sa career niya, my childhood was with my dad, kung ano ang laro ng panlalaki yon din ang nilalaro ko syempre alangan naman maglalaro ng barbie yong tatay ko diba? Definitely, marbles, kite, sipa bola and yong laro ng mga batang lalaki yon ang nagagawa ko noon.

Ngayon na super grown up na ako, I am labeled and judged na “tomboy” dahil lang sa kilos ko. It is not my fault naman siguro na ganito ako gumalaw, magsalita na parang lagi akong galit (LOL). Ang masasabi ko lang wala naman akong any relationship ever with the same sex, at hindi rin naman ako nagkakagusto sa same sex so how can that be? Diba?! hindi ko rin naman masabi na confused ako kasi alam ko naman ano ang gusto ko (hmmm...) at ano/saan ako maging masaya (LOL)

I have been into relationships pero hindi lang talaga nagwowork dahil mas dominant ako at ayoko kasi sa lalaki na ako pa ang magtuturo kung ano ang dapat gawin at I don’t want that he is learning from me but gusto ko I am learning something from him. Kaya malamang walang tumagal!! (hahaha)

Mas kilala ko ang sarili ko higit kanino pa man and this is the time I am confident enough to bring up issues like this kasi isa lang ang masabi ko “handa na akong isiwalat ang buhay ko dito!!”  (hahaha may ganong balak talaga!!) I just really don’t understand people, madami akong kilala nga nagdadamit sobrang sexy pero kasama nila sa bahay eh isang “bisexual” tapos ako na nagdadamit lang ng t-shirt, pants at sneakers napagkakamalan ng tomboy!! Ano ba namang buhay to diba!! Ang tao nga naman!!!

Hindi naman porket 2012 na ngayon eh magdamit ako ayon sa gusto ng ibang tao para lang hindi ako mahusgahan!! I don’t think I need to please everybody, medyo tumanda na ako ng konti ata sa pagtatanggol sa sarili ko sa ibang tao dahil lang sa kilos ko kaya this time gaya ng dati, keber!!! Mamatay nalang sa inggit kung ako ay may future pang makapag-asawa!! (hahaha)

Medyo hindi ako sa women’s department, hindi rin naman sa men’s siguro pwede na sa akin ang unisex department kung meron man!! Dahil katawan babae ako pero ang mga damit ko ay simply lang, tshirt, pants at sneakers!! Basta ang alam ko straight ako kahit ano pang sabihin ng ibang tao, nagkataon lang talaga na yong kilos ko eh mas macho pa sa ibang nagmamacho-machohan!! (hahaha)

The very first morning of SENDONG

7:00 am – I woke up and prepare myself to go to school for a party for the children of Cala-cala, macasandig (totally wash out area) and Singapore, balulang. My mind was already set that we will have a party that Saturday morning.

I wasn’t able to sleep well that night because walang kuryente.

Around 8:00 am – I am on my way to school, as I pass along the Capistrano st. I have seen people walking na puro putik, ang iba naman nakaupo sa corner ng daan, magkasama ang buong pamilya. A part of the street going down (isla delta) makikita mo yong putik na hanggang tuhod, so I said to myself that moment na normal lang yon since lagi ko naman naririnig na nagkakaron ng baha in the area.

Pagkadating ko sa school mga 8:30 na ata yon, nakiramdam ako at lahat ng tao wala kang Makita na nakasmile, lahat parang nagpapanic. So I went to our department at ayon doon ko nalaman na may masamang nangyari sa city.

Mga 1 am pala non – I received a text from a classmate ang sabi niya “grabeh yong baha sa bridge” dahil hindi ako comfortable that night kasi nga walang kuryente, I just ignore his text.

Busy lahat ng tao sa school, syempre yong party definitely wala na dahil nga na-wash out yong area, ang party sana naming that morning eh yong mga bata na nakatira sa cala-cala. Dahil nasa social work program ako (I am studying social work currently) nagging busy kami with the immediate needs of the victims.

Mga 10:00 in the morning na siguro yon when I and my friends/classmates decided to look for a food kasi wala pa kaming kain (nag-expect kasi kami sa party), lahat tindahan around the school premises WALANG RICE, even Jollibee at that time near our school SARADO. Ikot kami ng ikot, nagtanong kami sa mga tindahan bakit naubosan ng rice, sabi nila most of the people ONLY BUY RICE at that time. I felt the scarcity of food and water din that morning at lahat ng tindahan laging may nakapila, unusual yong ganon sa ordinary days lang.

Mafefeel mo talaga yong gutom ng mga tao, uhaw sa tubig at yong grief nila over to their loved ones na nawala at missing pa yong iba. Yong oras parang ang bilis-bilis at that time, lahat naghahanap saan na yong mga kapamilya nila, kamag-anak, sa piling daan may Makita kang patay na tinakpan lang ng kumot nag-aantay ng kamag-anak para kunin. It was the worst, sad morning I felt in my whole life.

i don't own this pic. i just got this from google.

I don’t know how to react, how I can help the victims, how can I comfort them either. In the afternoon, ng magbukas na ang Jollibee, we hurried and charged our cellphones for communication. Kahit Jollibee naubusan din ng pagkain, basta ang natandaan ko lang na natira sa kanila that time is yong spaghetti at kahit water ubos na ren.

Late in the afternoon, almost mag-gabi na we went to west city central to delivered food for the victims (yong luto na talaga ready to eat na) and after sumama kami sa cosmopolitan funeral homes kasi yong kasama namin (isang madre) may dinalaw sa funeral home at doon nakita ko ang mga pamilya na naka-abang dahil nawawala yong kamag-anak nila at nagbabakasakali na Makita man lang nila yong bangkay.

It was a long day for me. Actually in between madami pa akong hindi naikwento, isusunod ko nalang. The whole night, hindi ako nakatulog. Sa totoo lang, I was really bothered kahit sino naman siguro. Wala man akong kamag-anak na nagging victim sa sendong pero as a citizen, I couldn’t imagine how they survived that catastrophe. Paulit-ulit nasa utak ko “what if sa akin or sa amin nangyari yon” ano kaya ang gagawin ko, mabubuhay pa kaya ako? (sad)

Stepping back

I started to believe in my dreams again to the new profession I chose to commit in life, to trust in myself once more, to regain back everything that has been lost and to set another goal to reach. There are a lot of things in the past why I failed in life, but still I am thankful for those failures because it helped me to become the person of who I am now.

There was once a dream that someday I will be an architect but I accepted the reality that yes it has been my world but it was never really my life. I am pointing it that my world spins on it but the profession never gave me life. There’s always a great pride there why I didn’t give up pushing the course even if I already have a hard time dealing with my subjects already. A pride wherein I know that there are just a few women in that field who succeeded in the profession, plus the fact that everybody knows you are good in math and can impressed people because definitely you can draw! I know I can make it but there are a lot of circumstances came in my life at that time, I couldn’t get the concentration I want, I easily get discouraged whenever I heard bad news or situations within the family, I was really lost, I admit that. I have no one to talk to about my personal problems; I don’t trust myself so how can I trust others.

I wasted my years but I did not regret because I believed that every mistake or decision that we make in our life, we are responsible to whatever it will lead us to take. I fall but I learned to get up on my own!

A lot of things in the past I didn’t do which I want it to do it now. To me, it’s not yet too late to correct mistakes, in fact I am learning on it. Sometimes I just laughed at those blunder because now I am doing the things which I didn’t do before. The motto that I have now in my life is “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” I find it so funny everytime I thought of that because I couldn’t believe that I actually do things now that I don’t do it. Given example there was whenever there is a class reporting, role play, oral quiz well expect me to be absent on that day. I was lack of self-confidence and I was afraid of standing in front of my classmates but now gaining it through time, experience and mistakes, I always make it sure that I am on the first batch, first one to do the task given.

It’s really a long journey in my life already, I may not know everything yet because I am still learning every moment I lived my life now but one thing I am thankful now is that I see the different person in me, I was not anymore the person with a lot of fears. I started to believed in what I can do for myself and to others, what I can give without expecting anything in return and social work profession has helped me opened my eyes to reality, my heart to my real emotions and my life for a completion.  

Weighing Emotions

As I went home tonight, there are a lot of things in my mind. I thought of those times when I started to learn how to accept things just the way they are.

I couldn’t forget the first two weeks in school, I burst it out, and I can’t control those emotions that I have at that time. I felt the weight in my heart because every day, it always reminds me of my mom. Everything is so fresh, the pain is still there, the wounds won’t heal, and it’s getting even deeper. I tried to give a part of myself to let it out, to somehow let my ill feelings out through a professional help from our program coordinator. I had mixed emotions because she was a very good friend of my mom; she knew almost everything what happened to my mom’s career and our life. i know that “papunta pa lang ako, pabalik na siya” The feelings I had that moment was like the first time I knew I have given a “transparent” emotion towards her, I couldn’t help myself anymore, it was really heavy, so definitely she is not a friend of my mom that moment, not even our program coordinator but a friend.

I have no one to talk about it at home, the more I shared it with my sister the more I felt that anger and hatred so I have to choose not to say anything about it or I am going to take more pain from her side. I was so silent all those years, I have seen how my mom cried day and night, every moment she remembered how her co-social workers betrayed her. Everyone thought that I was strong because I don’t let my emotions visible to everyone. I am not a talky type of a person; I am passive because to some situations that I just wanted to ignore it so I will not get hurt.

Social work has opened my eyes, my heart and emotions. If I was the person who says a few words, now i am person who wanted to share more. I tried to understand every point in my life where there is too much pain, frustration, desperation and hurt but sometimes I would end up asking still “why?” I am not questioning why God gave us this instead I am asking for a question of “why it has to go that far?”

Well, now I slowly start to pick up the broken pieces in my life. 

Personal Encounter Activity

I have a lot of thoughts running through in my mind now. I don’t even know where and how to start. But anyways, today I had a blast from our workshop on social development encounter. At first I was a bit anxious because I know where it will lead but I believed that I wasn’t able to give all myself to the workshop because definitely I did not burst out. I know there are still a lot of things in me that is need to be processed but I guess today was not enough to deal my personal thoughts and emotions. Slowly I already have this acceptance that things in the past will always be a history but there are still questions in my mind that needs an answer.

During the workshop, my thoughts are running, my emotions are puzzled.  I know that there are a lot of people out there whom have bigger problems than what I had but there is only one word I wanted to search, I wanted to find it, I wanted to reach it “justice.” I believed that entering the world of social work is one point in my life to search for those questions, to find myself even better.

Sometimes, I don’t want to hear anything from home, I don’t want to hear my sister’s heartache over those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death because it will create hatred on my part, I started to get angry again, I even wanted more to seek justice. They didn’t kill my mom literally but they get the life where my mom should have it until she grew old.

I know this is only the beginning of my journey as a social work student, I may not answer some questions now but I am hoping to find those answers along the way. I couldn’t even give a single answer to a simple question of “is there revenge deep in your heart now?” honestly, I don’t know. I may be hypocrite to answer that but all I can say is “I really don’t know because I don’t know what will happen tomorrow; I don’t know what will come in my way!” There are simple questions that stunned me somehow, I just carried it well.

I have enjoyed our activity today and I am looking forward for more activities next semester. There are a lot learning’s today and I am grateful to have along with us Mam M. , Mam Winnie and Mam Melfie. Thanks to you all!

Well, yeah I guess maybe I need help professionally. I will just take time to absorb everything.

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.

It was late at night already, I planned to review and read my notes again for tomorrow’s prelim exam for economics and I just thought for a while to scan some files on my desktop where I have found the old pictures of one foundation where my mom was a part of implementing that institution. I have believed that she imparted her professional commitment, values and time to those neglected kids even how busy she was. Probably, those kids now, they are all grown-ups, they may have been owned a family, maybe.

I feel a little pressure in my life now because I know mom has given her vow to her profession though I know she’s not with us anymore but there are people still who believed that there would be someone in the family that will continue her legacy despite of the circumstances mom went through in her profession. They would always think of revenge but I don’t!  I am just bitter, yes.

I started to feel the anger, the hatred when I slowly take up the profession, when I have the chance to know the ethics of social work; it’s even getting harder every day. We’ve carried the pain for almost 15 years in my life! Memories reminded me what my mom was, subordinate and contemporaries of my mom helped me to trounce the pain but it’s not still enough I think. I know time heals but why can’t I feel that.

This is the moment of my life where I juggle to face the reality and acceptance. I kept myself all these years not to speak anything about the feelings that I had in the past but honestly I wanted to help myself to move on, to recover from that pain, disparity in life. I am in the process of knowing myself even better, I have forgiven those people whom have hurt my mom but the only thing that I asked God, I hope one day I will have the chance to talk to them when I am ready, when my heart says it’s about time. I wanted to voice out the pain that I have as a daughter that I hope their children will not encounter the pain I felt for the last 15 years.

"bitter" OFF

I decided to create another blog so I can move on to another chapter of my life. I’ve had enough for the pain, frustrations, desperation in the old blog and I know it will be hard for me to face another battle of my life where my mom is not around anymore. I tried to be strong, I tried everything I could, I remained to be strong even if I am losing my strength because I know one day I am going to overcome all of these. 

This will be a new start of my life, in every end there’s always a better beginning. Despite of everything, I am enjoying my new world, my new life. I feel my worth, I am happy even if I am empty inside. There’s still a part me now I wanted to be settled yet I don’t know when will be the right time for that, I don’t even know when my heart is ready to say that “it’s okay” because I know for now, it is not really okay! 

I don’t want to reach the end that I am still bitter, that I am still in pain, that the only I have in my heart is revenge! I tried all the means and way to ease the pain, to somehow forget the pain, I have prayed hard that God will heal me every day, that I may not hear anything about them, that I may not see them for now because I honestly admit it that I am in the height of my anger. They can’t give back the life of my mom, not even millions of dollars will help relieve me. 

Well, I hope their daughters will never experience more than a thousand of pain we went through! We will never understand one person’s situation until we will go through the same as theirs.

Life has to start again

In those distress times of my life, I turn into blogging. I kept myself in silence, I pretend that everything is okay; I certainly believed that one day things will fall into its proper place. Blog has been a friend of mine for the last 3 to 4 years; there are sensitive issues in the past, family, personal, relationships, job and the like. I decided to re-arrange back my blog, dropped those pity issues and life has to start again as I go back to school and accept all the things that’s happening to me.

This is the turning point of my life where I am going to face it without my mom’s guidance this time. There are a lot of stories to tell, wisdom to share and experiences to be learned. As I will start my life being a student tomorrow, I know this will be the beginning of what I really wanted to be, what I should have been and the only thing that I know now is that I will never repeat the same mistakes again; I will do more in everything that I will do.

There are just a lot of reasons why things happen this way, I may not know why now but maybe later, I hope. There are still things I don’t understand, there are still situations I can’t accept, I tried to be strong in all the circumstances that comes my way but my strength is not enough still.

I am excited for the first day of class; the class that I know will hurt me at the same time because it will always remind me of my mom. Her memories will forever remain in my heart, her wisdom, her commitment to her profession where I know I will have it the same in the future.