The TeleMoves

One day I will be able to break my own silence, it’s been almost a year already and yes I know I have moved on from the fact that I had to get through one of the toughest way I could just to understand & help myself believing that there are things in life are not the same the way it has to be.

I told myself then, I should focus on the things na meron ako, forget those nawala because basically they aren’t that important to be with you sa darating na umaga. I think so. I never said that I was right all along. I am just being honest to not just what I think I feel but I am being true to my emotions towards such situation. For all the things I went through in life, I believe naman na I was prepared in the past to face what’s for today. I just can’t believe I made it through all the way! I swear and I admit that it was one hell ride of my life back then.

I am very happy of what I have become after everything. I learn to be humble enough, put some humility to myself, I even learn to listen more. I think the best part there was, I learn to know about what I am capable of and what I want to be as a human being. I learn to value gratitude after all & give away all the love I could share to those who are in need.

It’s just so ironic that because people seen you as a strong woman, a person that would never break in, no one would think or maybe ask “how are you!” that’s really funny to me, really! Why? Everybody thinks that “kaya” mo ang lahat, super duper woman ka sa lahat ng bagay which is a big MALI! We all have our own breaking moments, maybe it’s just that strong people don’t show it often. I always did that however, I just managed it in my own way thinking that “I know there are people out there na mas mabigat pa yong problema nila kaysa sa akin” so I just leave it that way anyway!

Whatever it is, I am pretty sure that I am on my way of getting my own dreams. I may look back one day, but I know it will never be the same then. I am just happy of what I am today & I am living my life according to God’s plan. God must have a great reason why things just happened that way. As long as I know I am not hurting anybody, I am fine with that.

So long & God Bless you always!

Wwwooootttt.. seryus mode akech! Haha 

Tele-Iyak-mode

Waking up in the middle of the night is one of the things I hate the most. Charot! Totoo.

Sinungaling ako! Or hindi ko lang talaga sinadya na ganon ang maging reaction ko? I am trying to go back to sleep but seems hindi na ako makatulog, para mapagod ako ito, magblog ako, ilabas ang nararamdaman ko.

Unang una, pasensya kana blog, ang aking telelalahbells na hindi naman tugma ang pangalan sa drama ko ngayon, feeling ko ang kulay ng buhay ng pangalan ng blog tapos ang laman, eto ka-artehan, drama sa ngayon. Bear with me, seryos ako. Promise na. lol

Para hindi mailto sa mga drama ko sa buhay. ito brief lang ang kwento ko.

Sa all life natin, ilang tao man ang dumaan at minahal natin, there’s always this one person na masabi natin na naging greatest love daw natin. Ows? Ganyan. sabaw na sabaw na talaga ako! Or baka nasabi ko lang yan kasi ang hapdi ng puso ko ngayon. (may sugat talaga, yon  na haha)

Dahil sa pagiging curious ko nga kay architect nong malaman ko ang pagbabago sa kanyang career, naisipan kong tingnan sa kanyang personal na buhay. Sa fb at twitter. May mga common friends kaya alam ko! (stalker ang peg) ito ang rants ko dati na kelan kaya ang pagkakataon na kaya ko ng tingnan ang buhay niya at dumating nga kagabi.

Pagkabukas ko, viooollaahh..

Magiging tatay na siya, may asawa na siya! Futah lang diba. Pero the worst experience I got nong Makita ko eh, hala natatae ako promise and I get so cold at sure the next thing I know, tumakbo na talaga ako sa cr para tumae. Hindi ata puso ko ang nastress but yong tyan ko ewan ko ano ba koneksyon. Hahaha

Sa mga panahon na nasa cr ako, napaisip ako kung saan ko ba nalagay ang ovary ko nong panahon na yon, plastic ba ang ovary ko, fake, manhid or sadyang kulang lang sa battery kaya hindi gumana. Hindi rin naman ako ready noon, char! It’s true, ang dami ko lang inisip, inasikaso sa personal kong buhay kaya things went bad.

Dahil bonggang iyak na rin ako, nagtext ako kay fiel, kay arline para may makausap ako kasi hindi ko alam pano ko ilabas ang naramdaman ko. Thanked God to King Archie also he was there to talk to me. Ang heart to heart talk nauwi pa rin sa harotan. Its natural! Ganyan! lol Thank you sa inyo, I feel better eventually, sa jokes, sa harot and sa comfort, all I need is someone or somebody na makakausap to divert whats in my mind, this what I called “talking therapy”  I was taught of that nong nagkaron ako ng unfinished professional issues with my mom, they just let me talk and talk until I cried and it helped, I moved on.

It’s just so funny reading his timeline with the hashtags na kami lang ang nakakaalam, na naging code name namin noon, even the dates that are significant to us, may notes pa rin siya. Kaya kahit alam kong may bagong buhay na siya ngayon, I know he can’t still let it go. May special connection pa rin in between kahit wala na kaming communication, I could still feel it but hanggang doon nalang talaga kasi. Sinisi talaga niya ako sa lahat-lahat but I have to stand sa ano mang decision ko noon, I can’t leave my mom at that time who is sick, trying times namin sa pamilya noon and hindi ko kaya na pagsabayin lahat, I need to give up and before I did that, ginawa na niya pala. And months after, ang bilis talaga ng recovery or palit period ng lalaki so I moved on again.

Like I said, just bear with me, just let me do the ranting, things will be over. Maybe I just need this to finally close that book. I opened it pa kasi dahil para maghanap ng dahilan para sunogin. Roots. Ang daming magandang memories that I can’t throw it away noon dahil siguro I’m still holding on to that “kind” of love I have with him once. Naiyak ko na eh, kaya ok na ako don. Swerte lang ngayon kasi no beer, no hard liquor na malamang sa 2^nd time hahalikan ko ang sarili kong suka, face to face pa sabay simot amoy ng pulutan malas pa kung boy bawang.

Lahat dadaan tayo sa ganitong pagkakataon na masaktan, madaya, at madapa para matuto, magkaron ng leksyon at makapagingat sa susunod. I am thinking this positively kasi if I dwell on it, ako rin ang lugi, ako rin ang hind imaging masaya. Siguro sa ngayon lang naman ito, eventually mawawala din lahat ng  to, once I cried it out, soon enough maging ok na ako. Focus sa career which I know successful ako don but palpak sa buhay pag-ibig, its nature na hindi talaga nabibigay sayo lahat ni God. Accepted.

I Still thanked God for this even though its painful, I experienced it, I learn to live with it and I will learn to understand and listen more sa mga kaibigan ko kung sakali mararanasan nilang masaktan din. Sana wag naman. Kailangan kong panindigan ang mga advices ko sa kaibigan ko dahil i will never be an effective counselor (someday) kung hindi ko i-aapply rin sa sarili ko ang natutonan ko. Nga-ngang nga-nga lang ako niyan! 

pero sayang na sayang lang ang sinigang na bangus na niluto ko last night, pinaghuhugutan ko talaga yon kaso nawalan ng tubig dahil sa pagbutingting ko nga sa twitter. hindi na rin ako nakapagdinner dahil wala pa akong nakain, natae ako sa stress. syet. hahaha 

Telelalalamorning!! 
as of 3:24am
ako ay nagugutom

Reality 12: Masaya ang PBO

Dumating na nga si amang hari at ang anak ng hari sa republika ng pilipinas, yong saya ko hindi maitatago, naging maingay ako sa twitter dahil gusto kong abangan ang kanilang pagtouch down sa pilipinas. Ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman ang pakiramdam na ito galing naman sa mga kaibigan sa blogspero, huli kong naramdaman ang excitement noong isang taon pa mula naman iyon sa taong minamahal ko. Rawwrr.

What you see is what you get in me, mula nong nabago ang buhay ko naging totoo ako sa sarili ko, naging open sa ano ang meron ako at wala man. Hindi maitago ang sayang iyon na dumating na sila dahil nasa isip ko finally makikita ko na sila ng personal hindi yong nasa likod ng isang blog or computer lang sila, mapipisil ko na, mabiro ng totoo, mabigyan ng squeeze hug bawat blogger na Makita ko sa meet up kaso hindi ko rin maitago ang lungkot na nararamdaman ko ngayon dahil just earlier naconfirm ko na hindi na pala ako makakapunta sa manila ngayon February 15, 2013 sa meet up ng mga pboers. Ang last hope ko kasing eroplano na airphil, tumaas na rin ang pamasahe, hindi na kinaya ng aking bulsa dulot sa midterm exams ngayong week na ito at wala akong mahugot na pera sa ngayon dahilan na rin sa dami ng babayarin.

Lagpas langit ang kagustohan kong pumunta para Makita ko sila isa’t isa at gumawa ng memories na pwedi kong balikan kahit saan man ako mapunta sa buhay ko. Naiiyak ako na hindi ko rin maexplain ang pakiramdam na ito dahil nabigo naman ako sa aking expectation, lagi ko pa naman sinasabing kapag iniisip ko na makakapunta ako at maabot ko yan, nangyayari dahil sa law of attraction na yan pero ngayon sinusubukan ako ng panahon at pagkakataon. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kasiyahan ng mga bloggers na sa wakas magkikitakita na sila after ilang buwan na nakikipagkulitan sa mga comment sa blog at sa twitter.

Oo bothered talaga ako ngayon dahil nalungkot ako hindi ko naman maitatago ang pakiramdam na iyan, ayokong magpretend sa emotion ko ngayon, ayoko rin magpretend na meron ako na wala naman dyan. Parang hanggang pangarap lang na makasama ko ang mga bloggers at pboers sa araw ng kanilang meet up sa February 15. Una ko sanang pagkakataon na makasama ang mga taong nagbigay saya sa akin for the past months na sobrang down ako sa buhay ko, yong mga kakulitan ko na hindi matapos tapos hanggang hindi napapagod kakadaldal. Natagpuan ko ang isang kaligayan sa pagbblog na nakita ko na may mga tao pa lang totoo kahit nasa social network site kayo nagkakakilala kaysa nasa harap mo araw-araw, dito ko naramdaman na bawat problema ay may solution may mga tao na nagpapangiti sayo despite of what you’ve been going through personally sa buhay mo.

Hanggang dito nalang muna, malungkot man ako ngayon pero makakarecover din ako. Sana maging masaya at makabulohan ang mga meet ups ninyo aking mga kaibigan sa blogspero.

hangsarap mag hiatus lol pasok nako sa banga! =(

Reality 10: That love of mine once...

I hate that feeling, really.

I can’t stop thinking of you, deym!!! Hearing back the song once again, it melted me. i just don’t know if sinasadya ng panahon na marinig ko yong kantang yon! Hammmp! Kaya ayoko sumakay ng taxi as much as possible dahil malamig ang mga kanta, walang rock bakit bah! Naman! Kapag sa jeep naman ako, all I have is my dreams, all I could think of is the life I want after I pass the board exam. Mga pangarap na minsan alam kong impossible pero gusto kong abotin at nakakalimutan kita sa pagkakataong yan.

Not to deny it, everyday kahit a second, oo I still thought of you. I am different with my feelings sa’yo dahil siguro naging ako nong tayo, I am not the person na ako ngayon yong madaming gusto sa buhay, madaming pangarap dahil when I was with you, simply lang ang lahat. Alam  ng diyos how I tried to forget you, not to love you anymore, not to miss you even more. So many times now I wanted to see you back again to know hanggang saan ba kaya ng puso ko tumayo na mag-isa pero hindi ko kaya. I am okay na ganito, wala akong narinig, wala akong alam, parang ok na ako na ang alam ko puro magandang alaala ang natira sakin. I tried not to cry this thing out again pero my geeedd!! I can’t help it, my heart is going to explode.

Confused na naman ako dahil alam kong pinandigan ko ang decision ko, pero malapit na rin mag-isang taon at ganito pa rin ang nararamdaman ko, OO handa na akong magmahal ulit, magcommit, magpakatanga once again lol pero paano nga ba kung may natitirang ganitong feeling pa? puchek! I had the best years with you and I am afraid hindi kayanin ng darating na malagpasan ang ano man ang meron between us. laging sinasabi ng lahat na mas higit pa ang darating sa nawala sayo. Ang nasa utak ko “talaga? Paano nga ba?”

I hate the feeling when I remember you, when I miss you…

I am not hoping anymore, I am not thinking anymore of being together once again, I just maybe need to live my life the way it is now, I maybe live some of those memories but we can’t turn back everything. This is my now and I have to live with that.

hooo! maygeewwdd!! i wanted to cry out loud again!!!! =(

Wag magbasa kasi.

It’s January 2 and yeah it’s still January 2, unang pasok sa trabaho sa taong 2013. Habang nagbabasa ako ng blog sa mga kaibigan, bang! Beng! Feeng! It reminds me of something that like I always said na dapat hindi na maremember at isipin! Hahaha kahit anong tawa ko promise, the pain is still inside me. Charos! Totoo. Walang biro, seryos na ako! Hihihi akalain mo, sometimes you see yourself sa ibang tao, there are emotions you cannot express dahil kailangan itago pero others helped you to take that out. So ito na nga! Kakayanin ko ito! Hehehe nadala ako sa aking emosyon! hahaha simpleng inggitera ang emosyon ko! 

Si Antonio ang dahilan at ang alindog ni jonDmur…

Gaya ng sabi ko, matapang ako, I have a strong personality pero tambling din ako sa taong ito, lahat alam, lahat pwedi and walang keme, pati amoy ng utot alam! Pwedi akong sumigaw na hindi ako babarahin, aawayin siya at susuyoin ako, pweding saktan physically kapag gusto ko lol (wag berdeh isip haha) lahat may katapusan, even if I wanted it still, hindi na talaga pwedi. There are moments now I am tempted to check his status, kung ano na nangyari sa buhay niya pero natatakot ako, hindi ko alam anong takot ito, takot masaktan? Mainggit dahil he is happy? Or he finally found someone kung  saan mas nakita niyang mas happy siya doon? Wala, basta malalim na hininga lang ang kaya kong gawin kapag ito ay napapagusapan. Gusto kong tumawa ngayon pero naiiyak na ako! Charos!! Kailangan tulongan ang sarili! As in now na talaga!

sabi nga ni tonio sa kanyang entry, may 3 month rule moving period, ako heller! Kumusta naman! Anong oras at petsa na! sa stages of grieving nasa acceptance na ako pero takot pa rin akong malaman ano na ang nangyari sa kanya. hindi ko na ito babalakin pa siguro. roowtts!! ang iba’t ibang teknik naman sa sex life ang sabi ni jonDmur, at sinabit ko siya dito dahil lahat ng sinabi niya doon ay totoo at dahil doon, naaalala ko ang mga kalokohan namin kapag napagusapan ang mga illegal na bagay! Hahaha peteks! Kumusta naman ako ngayon! Hindi ako bitter, totoo yan pero I just simply missed him! Nakakamatay na ha! Hahaha

basta iibahin ko ang taong 2013, bagong perspective sa buhay at aabotin ang mga pangarap! Ganyan! Kahit sinasabi ng lahat na kung may nawala, may darating na mas higit pa sa kanya, asan na?! hahana I’m too busy sa buhay ko ngayon para isipin ang mga ganito, pero dahil hindi pa pasukan sa school, kaya ito emote ng emote! Haha cyber attack batok at tadyak kay Antonio at jonDmur!

We both miss it

When I was in my first course in college, I have this guy bestfriend, I can defined him as refined, religious and funny.  We’ve seen our growth, we shared good and bad memories until situation parted our ways. We made a promise once that we will finish first our course bago mag-gf and mag-bf, I could still recall the 5 thousand pesos pustahan, whoever get into a relationship first will pay 5 thousand pesos. We’re still teenagers! We think that way! Hahaha

He was my bestfriend, and I was the last person to know nagkaroon siya ng girlfriend, and boom! I hated him so much that I wanted to throw him from the 5^th floor where our department belongs. I verbally expressed that I hate him, that he broke our usapan and I was really afraid that hindi siya makatapos dahil masisira ang buhay niya dahil sa pag-ggf! it’s not about the money but it’s loyalty and word of honor. Ang stupid ng isip ko noon! Hahaha now I realized how stubborn and selfish I was!! And it really happened, he stopped, he didn’t go to school anymore, I haven’t heard about him ever since.

A year or two I think, he came back to school, he tried to approach me but I was already closed. I still expressed my emotions that I was really mad at him. (i have no other reason of being mad except that promise, I don’t have any feelings for him!! He is just a friend to me!) Every time he wanted to talk to me, I refused and I openly express that he has no room in my life anymore. I lost him, she lost me.

More than 6 years had passed, maybe, I can’t count it. Our path crossed online, we talked sa ym, I even forgot na nag-away pala kami noon! Hahaha shit ang utak ko! Hahaha tan-enah!! He told me “I want to tell you that I consider you really as my bestfriend” and oh my god!! As in like, hell! I said “yeah, me too and I missed you” simple as that. Then our communication went off again because I keep on changing numbers at that time dahil may issue din ako sa own life ko! Hahaha and I know he is been busy also sa girlfriend niya, sa work and even his past time – online games.

Lately, I was online sa fb and I saw his updated profile, I come to like one of his updates and unexpectedly biglang beep! “hey musta?” and the conversation ended into having a coffee kapag may time. And I said “we need to catch up” and he replied “yah, a lot!” and I realized how many days of his lives I missed, the memories we should create, the laughter that we both shared and the ups and downs in his life being his best friend, I wish I was there walking with him.

Now we’re texting back again, just now and decided to meet tomorrow after how many years I avoided him, I ignored him. What I only wish now is I hope we could still patch things up and create new memories. Things may be different this time between us as best of friends, but let’s just see, kwento ko nalang bukas! Hahaha para may thrill naman! hehehe

Isang huling iyak daw

After I posted my last entry, I tried to open my winamp and boom! Boom! Suddenly it’s a love song! Bohahaha one last cry ang drama ni winamp! Tan-ena! i forgot to change my playlist earlier while Im in the office. The music is trying to change my mood after being “a little angry” mood kanina. Probably this will lead to drama! Walang funny sa one last cry! Hahaha I did that, I really did that but there’s still pain inside my heart that I couldn’t explain it, I can’t even express it. I am not lonely, I am not sad, maybe I am just hurt and I accepted that feeling.

I told you, maging madamdamin na ang post nato dahil sa lintik na one last cry na yan! Bohahaha I wanted to laugh about it pero seriously if only alam niya how much I am missing the old days, the old us, killing me softly ang dating ng feeling na yan! (saksakin ang puso!!) hindi ko rin pweding tapatan ng kanta ni dingdong avanzado ba? The “why can’t it be”  because hindi nga talaga pwedi! Tatanga tanga ako kapag go ng go go ako! This emotion is just temporary, I will go through this, I still have a life and a dream to reach. Kaya ko ‘to! Hahaha kebs na!!

Medyo matagal din na hindi ako nakinig sa playlist nato, tambak! Tinago at  nilibing! Hinukay ko para malaman saan na ba ang puso ko!! Charus!! Hahaha pero ang totoo I still feel the pain! Heeeww! I am trying, I keep on telling myself na kaya ko to! I did this before, I can still do this now! maybe one day, I will lose my feelings but I always remember how great it was. Hanggang doon nalang!! Tapos ang usapan! Lels!!

Inggit ka lang

Ano kaya ang meron why I feel betrayed? I almost about to reach my dreams pero you are trying to pull me down, you are manipulating everybody, you appear to be the person na laging tama and you always believe na kaya mo ang lahat! i don’t want to attend with that emotion but sometimes you are doing something that proves na sinasadya mo! I don’t mind it but I can see it with my two eyes and hear it from my hears kung ano ang ginagawa mo. We all have our dreams and I am clean to say that I don’t have any intentions of pulling other people to make myself na maging mas mataas because I know we have our own way to cross.

I come this far and there is no way of stepping back, all I know sa sarili ko now is that bahala na, just do what you want to do to pull me down, wala akong pakialam naman. I know what I can do, I know how far I will go and  I won’t give up no matter what. It’s almost there oh! Aatras pa ba ako? I know one day, I will be better than you, mas mataas pa makukuha ko if I am going to continue what I have started. There’s no one can stop me from what I am doing, I love the life I have right now and all my efforts will be paid off one day. I trust myself more this time and I will stand for that.

I know who are true and who are not, and I believe that secretly you are trying to crash me. Ok na ok sayo if you need a favour, gusto mo ikaw ang laging kinakaawan, sa totoo lang ikaw ang kawawa, dahil isang dakilang plastic ka! Hahaha lels! Dapat sa mga taong tulad mo, nililibing! Sinasaksak! Hahaha I am just waiting for the right moment na masabi ko sayo lahat ang yan, sa panahon na kaya ko ng ipagmalaki ang pangarap ko at paninindigan ko sa buhay! It will not take long. Basta ang alam ko,  you reap what you sow. Tandaan yan!

Soft inside hard outside

I tried to rationalize everything that is happening in my life. This is my way of coping up, it worked for me, oo nag-work and nagstand out ako but sometimes I could still feel the pain inside me, I just don’t want to show it, I don’t even say it because knowing myself na matapang, pinanindigan ko talaga yan! I am strong pero mas mabilis akong umiyak! Mind you! Lels!! Hahaha I don’t know why ganon, maybe it’s already inside my heart na super soft ako pero hard lang akong tingnan! Hahaha

I was hurt and I tried to fight that, I cried and that’s enough for now. I understand that if its not meant to be, then its not. There are really things in life na hindi talaga pwede, we just need to accept that, it will hurt us but this will help us to grow, to believe in second chances. Slowly I am trying to understand myself, I learn to love myself even more because if I am not this strong matagal na siguro akong bumigay, with those problems na dinaanan ko at ng pamilya ko it made me stronger, mas nagiging fighter din ako when mom died. I stood for the family no matter what, kung dati I don’t speak, I don’t say what’s in my heart, ngayon all those things na hindi ko nagawa noon, I am doing it now.

At this stage in my life, ang daming nareveal na ugali na hindi ko nakita noon, and I am seeing my mother sa mga ugali ko ngayon, maybe because I grew up seeing her always, the success sa career niya, how to handle people na may problema at kailangan maging matapang ka everytime you listen to their problems. When I studied social work, life changed and i am more appreciative this time, I kept myself on the ground, I refrain from judging people and lahat ng yon nakita ko rin sa mommy ko, that’s why after a long journey sa buhay ko, I stand to follow her profession, to believe in change and to touch the lives of the people and that change won’t be possible to others if you don’t start it within you.

Distorted thoughts

i decided to take this blog site permanently. I may be so busy in my life but I am still hoping I can drop myself, my thoughts and emotions here. i admit that I can’t recall things easily especially that runs over the years already, or maybe there are parts of my brain that refuses to remember some things unconsciously. In life, we can’t get away from problems, our intense emotions towards yourself, to other people even and I want to take that down every moment I spend with in my life. This blog site serves to be my partner in recalling things someday.

The good thing in blogging is no one will criticize your grammar, people give you the freedom to speak, to share and express what you got in yourself, it’s limitless. I have been blogging quite some time and It gave me a thought that if only I have saved those posts my emotions I had, probably I will be looking and reading them right now and think what have I done to myself! Hahaha

Blogging is one of my comfort zone as I say, I am free to express my feelings whether I am angry, sad or happy but so far what I’ve got was being angry, hurt and frustrated oh my gosh! Hahaha people might think I am not a happy person at all, lels!! Each person has his strong and weak points, no one is perfect! Our emotions are temporary because it changes in time, it varies. Maybe for now, I am not that happy as I wanted to be but soon enough I will find my own way to happiness. Anyways, happy blogging to me!! 

I am not holding up

It’s been a while since I decided not to know anything about you, I don’t want to feel that pain again. I don’t want to get hurt, I am afraid of what will I know either. I’d rather escape it than passing through all over again. It has been a tough semester to me this year, I’ve gone through a lot already and I don’t know if I can still hold on, even if I am that strong as what you think, I could give in, I am just human, I get tired, I get lost, I get weak. I don’t have magic to change what I felt, it’s in there, I can’t run away from that.

I know it’s hurting me a lot, I am feeling it and I even understand it but it’s still killing me. My heart is getting weak, my mind keep telling my heart that there’s no other way to forget everything but to accept and be ready to let it go, yes, but how? when? I don’t know whom to get angry, what to angry about. I just couldn’t understand what the hell is going on with me now. I am trying to apply what I learnt in class but my emotion is pulling me back. I really understand that there’s no turning back, that it is not right anymore, that it couldn’t be yet I still remain in distress.  

I am not bitter, I just probably felt that “sayang” because I know how we’ve been, how we’ve exchange our hearts all this time and clash attitudes that knows how to meet half way, the kindness and too much understanding between us, believing that communication is the best foundation in any kind of relationship and fails in trusting each other.

I don’t know how long I will be holding this up. How I wish I am ready to let go of you, to re-open my heart to new possibilities, to a dream that I will be reaching alone. I know there’s always a reason in everything but this caused me too much pain already that I could no longer bare it. I know I can make it through time, only that I cannot wait for too long. 

Just go

I still think of you after all this time, I just don’t have the heart anymore to say how you've been and how you’re holding up. It’s just so painful, I know, but this is all for the best, for the best of you and me. I still want to say how much I love you but it’s not right anymore. I could still hear you laughing, your smile kills me. If only I could turn back everything to make things right for us, I wish I could. Loving you is the best thing I did in my life and I never regret that.

I wish I could still say it how much I miss you, the endless goodnights and I love you’s, waking me up in the middle of the night just to make me feel I am secured. I surely miss all that. It’s killing me. It has been so hard but I am trying everything I could to forget you. I had the best of times with you and I just can’t throw it all away like that. I don’t know where in the world you are now and I don’t want to know anymore, I don’t want to feel that pain again, I don’t want to go back in time where I felt I was so drowned.

I have my family and friends, yes, but I still feel so empty, I just couldn't explain it. It’s not right anymore, it’s not gonna work and I am not holding it back everything between us because without me now, your life will be in much place. You will be seeing your true happiness in time and I am not yet so sure if my heart supports that. I just wanted to shout what’s in my heart now, I just couldn't, I already did that once and I don’t want to do it again.

I am really trying but I didn't realize that this will hurt me so much. I am not yet ready to let you go because I just don’t know how. i am even afraid to know if you have given your heart already to someone new, I am not ready for that even. I understand my feelings but I can’t find a way to comfort it. How long I will go through this? I can’t wait to see what lies ahead of me, I know there is, because I believed that in every end there’s a new beginning. I hope this is all temporary for now because I can’t bare it anymore. 

I never stop loving

Sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves, we need to go back in the past in order to understand all the things that is happening to us right now, we need to reflect in order to do more what we think we can do.

When you lost a person in your life, you will realize that life is short. You will tend to ask yourself what were the good deeds you do to others. Am I ready to face God when the time of my death arrives? But you know what, when my mom died, what comes first into my mind when I heard the doctor says “time of death” – does the values mom gave us is enough already for us to face the world without her? Yes, I really thought of that, because in our family, family values are one of the important aspects we need to look up to. The words of my mother is the same words with my uncles (her brothers), me and my sister’s thoughts or perspective on the way we see life is the same with my cousins (her brother’s sons’ and daughters’). We are all seeing realities in life, we deal with what is the truth about life and that help me to endure all the problems in time.

I am not expressive, I may be too silent with my feelings in the past but when social work nurtured me to speak up, I have learned to voice out everything, it may be that I am mad or happy, I learned to open myself to the reality, sometimes we need to say what’s in our heart, good or bad, so the pain won’t dwell in your heart. Take some time to let your heart breathe.

When I lost my mom, I tried the best I could to stand for my family, for my father and sister. I am not my mother, I am not even trying to be my mother but all I can do is to be me as a person I know. But, I am really my mother’s “replica” no matter how I try to avoid her mannerisms, behaviors, attitude, even the way she deliver her words of encouragement, to discuss matters on the table, her perspectives in life, it’s in me, it’s in my blood and veins, I could not get away from it. The more I discover about myself as I grow up, the more I understand who my mom is. I could no longer deny it that I ran into her footsteps after all this time.

I am missing my mom, of course, but I need to be strong not to miss her that much because it will definitely kill my emotions. I have a soft heart it just doesn’t show. i can still feel mom until now, I could still see her in my dreams, reminding of simple things I used to forget when she was still alive, whenever exams is approaching – she’s always sitting beside me in my dreams, when problems pop up – she keeps on ranting but I couldn’t hear it. I always tell she’s still here I just couldn’t see her. I believed in my instinct.  

If mom is still alive now, probably she won’t stop ranting us until we get the life we deserve it. mothers’ knows best and that is proven in time! 

Home without a mother

Life without a mother at home on Sunday is too empty I must say but I am enjoying every single chance that I have with my sissy and father. When mom died a year ago, things had been change and it’s never been easy. As an elder daughter, I have to stand, be firmed and remain strong for the family. I am not married as well as my sissy. We took care of my father who is just 54 years old, young to be a widower.

When mom died, it’s the turning point of my life. I saw myself became stronger than I was, I remained calm in every situation that comes in, and I stand in every way. Partly I am now making decisions too and I am seeing my worth in that matter. There are a lot of things we need to balance actually in our life, we have to maintain smooth relationship to our family, friends and co-workers in order to function very well. I can say that I am working on that slowly everyday.

Time is too consuming to me now, I have a great life I can say, I learned to balance everything I want to happen in my life, my work, my school, my family and friends, I can still go to the gym to cut some fats and I see some improvement on that. Discipline is the keyword.

I can say that I have grown up so fast after mom died and i ponder that a lot. I am not my mother but as she always told me before that “you can never be like me but you can be more than me and you can do more than what I have done” and everything she said is becoming my reality now. Mother’s knows best that’s my conclusion and realization. One day when I myself turn into be a mother also, probably 80 percent of me I will get it from my mother, after all my mother brought me up to this world and nurtured me and became the person whom she want me to be. 

Constructive Self-improvement

Whooaa!!! I need a shock absorber now!! as in now na!! and I just thought of blogging it rather than telling it to somebody. There’s no issue actually, it’s just a matter of misunderstanding and definitely there is just perception barrier between two parties. Anyway, that’s over now.

What I am amazed now is that, I never taught that I have changed in time, I definitely learned to control my temper, anger in some situations that arises unexpectedly. Well life has taught me a lot now, it helped me to weigh things out and personally, I learned to accept criticism for a personal self-improvement.

It’s has been a heavy day knowing that there were issues that has been brought up that I for myself don’t have any idea that it was an issue already. You know what I mean? There were just maybe gestures, reactions that other people may perceive it wrongly. No hard feelings. People come to respond from their action that has been shown or the words that has been spoken, sometimes it always differ with the approach we’ve shown to other people. One should just be resilient in accepting things the way they are or ought to be.

It’s just a mixed of emotion, I am not confused now, I am not even angry or mad, maybe what I have understand with my feelings presently is I am just wondering what really went wrong but the good thing then is, there’s a clear closure on some issues. Thanks to the people who are open minded and willing to accept constructive criticism for self-improvement. 

What it is really?

I just couldn’t figure out what makes me so sad right now. I know there’s still pain in my heart and so much I wanted to dig within it, I just couldn’t. I recognized the feeling but i felt like all the things I’ve done now just to make myself busy is not enough to occupy everything including my soul. What’s in there anyway? That I couldn’t explain it even.

I can’t take back everything, I can’t go back to the time where I have cherished the most. I know and I am aware of what is happening, I can’t say I am not doing anything because I know I have done so much that I couldn’t even attend on my own wants, I tried everything so much just to leave and ignore what’s in my heart but there were memories I can’t just throw it away and I believed, those memories can’t be thrown away easily when I know a part of me is with that memories.

I am hurt for no reason, I can’t even figure it out where that came from now. I can’t say that I am okay, maybe I am just confused? Troubled mind and heart? Stressed out? Tired? Probably I am just sleepy for it’s already 2:22 in the morning. 

Taking step forward

I woke up half-hearted. I couldn’t explain the exact reason why, I just felt that my heart now is heavy probably there’s one person I want to comfort me, the smile would mean a lot. Choosing the life I have now will change my life forever and my future either. I know this is all I want, my dreams to be pursued. I wanted to finish the race I have promised to my late mom and I am keeping it for now. I am happy with the life I had but still it feels like there’s still missing but maybe this is just a temporary feeling until everything is over and gone. What’s keeping me busy now is my job, my studies and my dreams as well. There’s a lot to sacrifice in life and I want to feel every moment I am learning those discoveries i encounter as I walk in my journey. 

For now I know I made a right decision of pursuing what I really want in life. I still love my mom even if she already passed away, having this dreams I am doing now is one proof that my love will never stop and I am going to finish her race the same. When she died, it was my turning point and I am starting to change my life, the life I used to have and I learn to dream more than what I know I can. I know this feeling will pass through it’s time but now I just couldn’t help it and I am trying to keep myself busy chattering on social network, connecting old friends and learning to break the wall inside me. I wanted to cry to release everything I have in my heart now but i want to do it in a place where all I can see is all color green, the trees and bushes, I even wanted to run after the cows, chicken and experience for a while to roam around in a flower field, I think that will help me lift my spirit back.

Life has to move forward every day and we need not to stop just because we are confused, stressed out, hurt and frustrated, this is hard I know when I felt like the world is on me, the pain can’t get out in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my brain. It’s over I know and life has to start again. 

kailangan ko ng headset!!

Owlord Jesus mary! Maaga ako sa office kanina than the usual (lagi kasi ako late eh!! Hahaha) maganda ang panahon, medyo maulan (ohh sendong pls wag ka ng bumalik!) kaso when I got into the office umulan ng mga bunganga naman!! At ikwento ko anong nangyari, ipagdasal ko na masummarize ko lahat. Hahaha

Putak ng putak ang isa kong kasama dahil sa overtime (may overtime dahil sa sendong lels!!) dahil ayaw  niyang magbawas ng kahit konti para ibigay sa nagttrabaho ng mga payroll namin, at madaming reasons na binigay niya, noted naman talaga siyang may hokos pokos dito sa opisina pero kebs ang lahat ng tao dito dahil kami nalang ang nahihiya para sa kanya. Siya ang laging naghahabol sa pera, minsan na niya akong niloko, ilang beses nangungutang pero hindi marunong magbayad kaya ngayon NO WAY akong magpautang sa kanya kahit bente pinagdadamot ko talaga!! Hahaha

Alam kong madaming kababalaghan nangyayari dito sa office namin mula nong siya ang may hawak ng mga stocks sa opisina, no say nalang ako kasi ako ang pinakabata dito at ayokong irisk ang aking values baka diko mapigilan mawala ako sa sarili ko at magfeeling feelingan na tama ako!! Shet!!

  

So back sa topic, galit na galit sya, ingay2x niya, paulit-ulit walang katapusan ang sinasabi so ako nagtimpi ako, ng nakalabas siya, sumigaw lang ako to release my stress at natawa ang boss ko so sabi ko  "I NEED A HEADSET!! ang ingay eh!!," na-istress ako sa kanya!! Punyetas niya!! Dahil madami siyang ginagawang kalokohan takot syang balikan nito, minumulto na siya, mukha na siyang lola na nasa 40s pa naman sana ang age niya (manlait na ako talaga, galit ako eh!! Hahaha) yan ang sinasabi ng matatanda na kahit anong sikap gawin mo kung sa masama naman galing ang pera, hindi ka rin aasenso which is happening to her 6 years ago na ganon at ganon pa rin hindi siya umuusad, tumanda nalang ako ng slight dito sa office, ganon pa rin sya!! hahaha

Araw2x na lang kasi ginawa ni lord na sobrang ingay niya, laging galit na wala namang dahilan kaya bumili ako ng headset para through my action, maipahiwatig ko sa kanya na I am not interested sa kanyang pagbubunganga!! Wala akong pakialam sa overtime (maliit kasi ang ot ko dahil siya lang naghokos pokos na maglagay, sa kanya ang malaki, kapal ng mukha!!) sa kanila baka mas need niya ng lalaki niya!! Oo kahit lola ang mukha niya kumikiringking pa rin siya sa iba!!! Futa!! Hahaha siya na!! siya na ang may bonggang buhay!!

Ako ang taong di nakikialam, kaya kong di makipagusap dito sa opisina basta nakaonline lang ako tahimik na ang buhay ko, as I’ve said the same sa mga previous post ko, simply lang ang buhay ko, tahimik ako at di ako madaldal, di ako nakikichismis as much as possible sa mga kaopisina ko, pag may narinig ako hindi ko na ito sinasabi sa iba para hindi mapagsimulan ng gulo, at contento na ako sa buhay ko.

Happy ako to have my new headset para lang masabi ko dito sa opisina na ang ingay niyo!!! Hahaha I ate sundae na rin sa Jollibee to relieve my stress and its working!! Kalahati pa lang ng araw ko yan ha!!! Hahaha 

If you just want to know what's my secret

I just remembered when I started to face my life after the death of my mother, I am trying to search my own soul, myself and I have been so bothered with a lot of things, there’s a lot in my mind but I couldn’t find a way to express it. I am known to a few close friend of mine that I am not a talky type person, I seldom talk about my emotions and feelings, I am afraid of giving comments because I don’t to hurt other people as much as possible.

I believed in the power of mind, kasi when I told myself that I need to break the silence, I need to express what I feel, what’s inside my heart and what I am thinking, it happened in just one click. Its TRUE that if you want it, you will have it. In the case I had, it was a week that I am emotionally unstable. After work and class I couldn’t help but cry or i always feel that anger in my heart. Since hindi ko na kaya, I decided to consult a social worker in our department to seek a professional help.

I talked to our program coordinator who is a social worker licensed. I was crying and crying, I am not satisfied sa ano man ang iniyak ko, she just let me cry everything, she gave me a room to let out all my anger, hatred and my hidden feelings that moment. Parang isang doctor lang din sya na binigyan ako ng resita, yong resita na hindi gamot but a resita na dapat kong panoorin baka sakali daw magbago ang perspective ko sa buhay.

I downloaded what she told me, I tried to watch it but sa simula pa lang nabored ako eh so I ignore it. Kebs lang ako!! In denial pa rin ako in everything to what I feel, I am starting to understand what is really going on sa sarili ko pero andon pa rin yong galit ko sa pagkawala ng mom ko dahil she died na puro pasakit ng mundo ang binigay sa kanya, okay lang kasi yong walang ibang taong involved pero dahil there are people caused her too much pain, yon ang mahirap tanggapin.

One Sunday we had a personal encounter activity sa social work class namin. We were given a chance to speak one by one our strength, weaknesses and threat sa dreams at buhay namin. So I speak for myself. I thought that’s the end. The following day I come to visit her for just a small talk, kala ko she forgot kung ano2x ang mga pinagsasabi ko pero alam pa rin niya and sobrang natinag ako to what she just told me that moment “tapos na yon!! Leave it behind, tapos na ang sa mama mo, siya yon at ikaw ang ngayon, gawin mo ang para sayo hindi para sa mama mo!!” yong halong may galit pa talaga. Wala akong masabi, parang nahiya ako na hindi ko maexplain ang feeling ko that moment. At dahil dun, yong resita na sabi ko na binigay niya, I tried to watch it, this time pinagtyagaan ko, then i have learned kung ano talaga ang gusto niya mangyari sa buhay ko and ito ako ngayon I can say I am better, I have moved on and accept those things na noon parang ang hirap2x at ang feeling ko everyday was I am always hurt. I also learned her secret in life through the resita she gave me it’s “the secret.”

You might want to watch it, baka makatulong din sa inyo. Ngayon, I am learning also to accept the law of attraction in our life. Life is a little better now kahit lagi pa rin akong confused sa mga ilang bagay!! Punyeteks!! hahaha

Age is not unlimited like globe telecom

There is a mixed emotion that I myself don’t even understand what the hell is going on with me and my current emotions. I feel so empty. I think that’s the right word. I tried to search and find myself. I keep on pretending that I am okay, na kaya ko ang lahat even my heart bleeds. i have my friends with me na nakakasabay kong tumawa pero after ng tawa biglang wala na naman, I feel empty pa rin.

Maybe dumating na sa point ng life ko that i am ready to re-open my heart again, ready ako pero I am not even sure enough kung kaya ko ba. I know I have my dreams now, I am working with my dreams and even that I found that fulfillment parang may kulang pa rin. I am trying to search what I really want now, I keep on reading, talking  pero there’s still kulang in between.

 

I believed that we don’t need to search for the person we want to love for, it will just come on the time the least we expect to an unexpected place. How long I will have to wait for him. Parang ang bilis ng panahon ngayon, sa dami ng ginagawa natin sa buhay araw2x mas lalong mabilis ang oras lumiit din ang mundo. I felt that hindi na tayo aabot sa 70^thbirthday natin para makapagblog ng makapagblog, unlimited nato pero ang buhay natin hindi naman kasing unlimited ng globe or smart. Lol

 

Midlife sickness or crisis ata tong naramdaman ko ngayon!! Hahaha punyetahs!!! hahaha