Just no surprises

Happy New Year!! Yan ang unang bati ko sa inyong lahat!! Chos! Hehe kembot kembot ikot ikot hanggang mahilo lang! hahaha

Hmmm… I still have something to write about my year end break outside the city pero I cannot compose it yet dahil bangag pa ako sa usok at sa pagkain na nilamon ko these past few days and yes lamon ng lamon lang kasi feeling ko last na last na talaga ang mga yon! Hahaha syet! Kailangan now hard diet! Charot!!

As I look into my blog, on the right side sa may countdown ng birthday, I saw 3 days left more to go and boom! Nanginginig ako at kinakabahan and I just couldn’t explain it why. Nah! I love making surprises to people I care and love about but ayaw na ayaw ko yong ako ang nasusurprise personally dahil I just don’t like the feeling of I don’t know saan ko pupulotin yong puso ko, yong kaba ko na parang nauutot lang ako ng bongga. Hahaha syet lang kasi! Or maybe I just could not control the emotions I have inside whenever I feel surprised, mahirap ako makapagmove on sa bagay na yon hahaha so if ever, wag na kayong magisip ng surprise kasi dahil because hahaha ayoko sa feeling na yon! Hahaha

Last 2014, month of January, hindi ganon kaganda ang pagbukas ng taon sa akin, I do have a lot of trials encountered & the best din naman nangyari sa part na yon is where I learned to surrender myself to God and I can say that I was home by then. it was tough. Really. I made it through those storms & I’m proud of it.

Today, 2015, it’s a good one, maganda ang pasok ng taon even before 2015 strikes. There’s a lot more na pagdadaanan ko, mas matindi mas mahirap but I am excited to take the challenge whatever it is coz one thing I know that will help me to shape myself. I am totally ready for that!

I wanted to say thank you to the people who never left me during my rainy days nong 2014, I’ve come to see true friends and people around who truly care and love you the least you expect it. It’s a one hell ride back there but I made it because for all you know I got my strength in you, I even learn to trust despite of betrayal. I thanked you Atty. slash Archt. Grace B., Feunah, Imee Jane, Hadasah, Renato & Juan for being part of my 2014 & brighten me up during my darkest hours. Chos! Hehehehe of course my blogger friends who never failed to share their life across, Thank you guys! 

So this is it let me enjoy this year 2015, more travels hopefully and the most important I am looking forward this year is I am going to serve my profession.

Rub that alcohol more

Under the influence of rubbing alcohol. Lol

Weeee. Woot. I think I am going to burst this out personally or might as well just slip it over a couple of glasses. You know what I mean, I am very good & confident in telling the truth but I just couldn’t say it right to your face. There are hundreds of thoughts exchanged, thousands of word expressed but the truth about you & me, I just find it so hard to tell, so complicated even.

When I let you go that moment, I know that was the best thing I could do. I am following my dreams as you also did. It’s been years I think. I almost forgot what we were, what we had. Life just change so fast. I can’t even remember the last time I said I am going to wait. I am not the same anymore, I am not the person you used to know. I am happy of what I have become, this is not about you after all, I became who I am today because this is what & where I want to be. I forgot the feeling of being cared & loved by someone, or maybe I just ignored that anyway.

Wtf! I wanted to finally divulge this blogsite, for you to know what I’ve been in my life, do you really care? Coz now, I don’t anymore. A few rounds of glasses, this made me stupid, thinking & deciding probably. I am on my way now of starting a new path, my head is telling me that I want you to ride & take a journey together but this amazes me because you know what, my heart doesn’t want to anymore, I swear! I can’t find you in there & I am very happy of this discovery. This is I think – FAIR enough though.

I just love what I have right now & whom I am with – my family & friends, that is. This is the first & last time I am going to share what I had with you in the past. I just couldn’t do it anymore. The fuck it is! Lol but that’s the truth. I can’t deal it. I can’t fight it. My heart belongs to someone I think – that! I never meet it, yet or I may be I met him already but isn’t yet our time. This is the only thing I knew, you’ve seen my worst & supposedly you deserve my best but I just couldn’t afford it anymore to share what I’ve got now & what I think the best I could give. I just simply don’t find you anywhere anymore. I can finally say this, I am closing a chapter of my life where you were there. Thank you, that’s all I can say.

P.S.

Christmas beers are not advisable! Lol

The TeleMoves

One day I will be able to break my own silence, it’s been almost a year already and yes I know I have moved on from the fact that I had to get through one of the toughest way I could just to understand & help myself believing that there are things in life are not the same the way it has to be.

I told myself then, I should focus on the things na meron ako, forget those nawala because basically they aren’t that important to be with you sa darating na umaga. I think so. I never said that I was right all along. I am just being honest to not just what I think I feel but I am being true to my emotions towards such situation. For all the things I went through in life, I believe naman na I was prepared in the past to face what’s for today. I just can’t believe I made it through all the way! I swear and I admit that it was one hell ride of my life back then.

I am very happy of what I have become after everything. I learn to be humble enough, put some humility to myself, I even learn to listen more. I think the best part there was, I learn to know about what I am capable of and what I want to be as a human being. I learn to value gratitude after all & give away all the love I could share to those who are in need.

It’s just so ironic that because people seen you as a strong woman, a person that would never break in, no one would think or maybe ask “how are you!” that’s really funny to me, really! Why? Everybody thinks that “kaya” mo ang lahat, super duper woman ka sa lahat ng bagay which is a big MALI! We all have our own breaking moments, maybe it’s just that strong people don’t show it often. I always did that however, I just managed it in my own way thinking that “I know there are people out there na mas mabigat pa yong problema nila kaysa sa akin” so I just leave it that way anyway!

Whatever it is, I am pretty sure that I am on my way of getting my own dreams. I may look back one day, but I know it will never be the same then. I am just happy of what I am today & I am living my life according to God’s plan. God must have a great reason why things just happened that way. As long as I know I am not hurting anybody, I am fine with that.

So long & God Bless you always!

Wwwooootttt.. seryus mode akech! Haha 

You, just made a difference!

All of a sudden, I remembered I still have this, my blog! Woooootttt.. the last time I had an update was January 11, 2014, kumusta  naman?!! (spleeett! Haha)

For 3 months, oh my God! Rroooowwwttss!!!

A lot of things happened and I guess some of you knew it through my facebook account. To the left, to the right, forward, backward ang requirements ko for my final year. Really. I don’t want to elaborate that because I don’t want to bore you at all. Charr!!!

So much to that, I just wanted to say thank you to PBO members and especially Mommy joy. You guys will always be part of my success in life. I am glad that along my journey, I have met you all. My special mention to my very very best buddy online blogger, si feyel! Yes si feyel! Those times that nobody knows how down I was during the compilation of requirements that something came up, he was there to brighten up my day, to lighten up the heavy heart and never get tired of listening to my stupid woes. (at ang very best goal now din is we will have a picture of us!! to justify why we are best buds online!! charroottss!! hahahaha) I am tough, I am strong but even how strong I am, minsan nagbbreakdown ako, simply because I am just a human too.  Yes hindi ako hayop, tao ako! Lol echus!

On serious note, I made you all as my inspiration to aspire more in life, to believe that dreams come true one day, to this, I know I can extend more of my time and life to those who are in need. Honestly, I just don’t want to do that, what I really want is to make a big unique difference to everybody.  Something that I can be their inspiration in getting their dreams, to believe as well that dreams are not just dreams, they are made to happen.  Thank you once again for the small and big things, those simple laughs, thoughts and little hi’s and hello’s, you are making a difference in my life. Thank you guys.

I got it! I made it! One chapter ends and another is ready to open! Hello Social Work Board Review!

Above all, Thank you God for leading me to my purpose in life. Becoming an architect is not my destination; indeed becoming a Registered Social Worker is my call. 

Tele-Iyak-mode

Waking up in the middle of the night is one of the things I hate the most. Charot! Totoo.

Sinungaling ako! Or hindi ko lang talaga sinadya na ganon ang maging reaction ko? I am trying to go back to sleep but seems hindi na ako makatulog, para mapagod ako ito, magblog ako, ilabas ang nararamdaman ko.

Unang una, pasensya kana blog, ang aking telelalahbells na hindi naman tugma ang pangalan sa drama ko ngayon, feeling ko ang kulay ng buhay ng pangalan ng blog tapos ang laman, eto ka-artehan, drama sa ngayon. Bear with me, seryos ako. Promise na. lol

Para hindi mailto sa mga drama ko sa buhay. ito brief lang ang kwento ko.

Sa all life natin, ilang tao man ang dumaan at minahal natin, there’s always this one person na masabi natin na naging greatest love daw natin. Ows? Ganyan. sabaw na sabaw na talaga ako! Or baka nasabi ko lang yan kasi ang hapdi ng puso ko ngayon. (may sugat talaga, yon  na haha)

Dahil sa pagiging curious ko nga kay architect nong malaman ko ang pagbabago sa kanyang career, naisipan kong tingnan sa kanyang personal na buhay. Sa fb at twitter. May mga common friends kaya alam ko! (stalker ang peg) ito ang rants ko dati na kelan kaya ang pagkakataon na kaya ko ng tingnan ang buhay niya at dumating nga kagabi.

Pagkabukas ko, viooollaahh..

Magiging tatay na siya, may asawa na siya! Futah lang diba. Pero the worst experience I got nong Makita ko eh, hala natatae ako promise and I get so cold at sure the next thing I know, tumakbo na talaga ako sa cr para tumae. Hindi ata puso ko ang nastress but yong tyan ko ewan ko ano ba koneksyon. Hahaha

Sa mga panahon na nasa cr ako, napaisip ako kung saan ko ba nalagay ang ovary ko nong panahon na yon, plastic ba ang ovary ko, fake, manhid or sadyang kulang lang sa battery kaya hindi gumana. Hindi rin naman ako ready noon, char! It’s true, ang dami ko lang inisip, inasikaso sa personal kong buhay kaya things went bad.

Dahil bonggang iyak na rin ako, nagtext ako kay fiel, kay arline para may makausap ako kasi hindi ko alam pano ko ilabas ang naramdaman ko. Thanked God to King Archie also he was there to talk to me. Ang heart to heart talk nauwi pa rin sa harotan. Its natural! Ganyan! lol Thank you sa inyo, I feel better eventually, sa jokes, sa harot and sa comfort, all I need is someone or somebody na makakausap to divert whats in my mind, this what I called “talking therapy”  I was taught of that nong nagkaron ako ng unfinished professional issues with my mom, they just let me talk and talk until I cried and it helped, I moved on.

It’s just so funny reading his timeline with the hashtags na kami lang ang nakakaalam, na naging code name namin noon, even the dates that are significant to us, may notes pa rin siya. Kaya kahit alam kong may bagong buhay na siya ngayon, I know he can’t still let it go. May special connection pa rin in between kahit wala na kaming communication, I could still feel it but hanggang doon nalang talaga kasi. Sinisi talaga niya ako sa lahat-lahat but I have to stand sa ano mang decision ko noon, I can’t leave my mom at that time who is sick, trying times namin sa pamilya noon and hindi ko kaya na pagsabayin lahat, I need to give up and before I did that, ginawa na niya pala. And months after, ang bilis talaga ng recovery or palit period ng lalaki so I moved on again.

Like I said, just bear with me, just let me do the ranting, things will be over. Maybe I just need this to finally close that book. I opened it pa kasi dahil para maghanap ng dahilan para sunogin. Roots. Ang daming magandang memories that I can’t throw it away noon dahil siguro I’m still holding on to that “kind” of love I have with him once. Naiyak ko na eh, kaya ok na ako don. Swerte lang ngayon kasi no beer, no hard liquor na malamang sa 2^nd time hahalikan ko ang sarili kong suka, face to face pa sabay simot amoy ng pulutan malas pa kung boy bawang.

Lahat dadaan tayo sa ganitong pagkakataon na masaktan, madaya, at madapa para matuto, magkaron ng leksyon at makapagingat sa susunod. I am thinking this positively kasi if I dwell on it, ako rin ang lugi, ako rin ang hind imaging masaya. Siguro sa ngayon lang naman ito, eventually mawawala din lahat ng  to, once I cried it out, soon enough maging ok na ako. Focus sa career which I know successful ako don but palpak sa buhay pag-ibig, its nature na hindi talaga nabibigay sayo lahat ni God. Accepted.

I Still thanked God for this even though its painful, I experienced it, I learn to live with it and I will learn to understand and listen more sa mga kaibigan ko kung sakali mararanasan nilang masaktan din. Sana wag naman. Kailangan kong panindigan ang mga advices ko sa kaibigan ko dahil i will never be an effective counselor (someday) kung hindi ko i-aapply rin sa sarili ko ang natutonan ko. Nga-ngang nga-nga lang ako niyan! 

pero sayang na sayang lang ang sinigang na bangus na niluto ko last night, pinaghuhugutan ko talaga yon kaso nawalan ng tubig dahil sa pagbutingting ko nga sa twitter. hindi na rin ako nakapagdinner dahil wala pa akong nakain, natae ako sa stress. syet. hahaha 

Telelalalamorning!! 
as of 3:24am
ako ay nagugutom

Special Connection between the two

It’s been ten years since the last time sinipag akong magblog lol

Hindi ko rin alam now kung sipag ba ito or sadyang kinarir ko lang ang pinagdadaanan ko

May utang pa ako kay zai, empi at steph, nasa file ko pa yong draft ng kwento ko sa kanila, nasa kalagitnaan na ako at biglang madaming sagaball sa blogging career ko kaya natambak ko ang draft nila zai, empi at steph. uunahin ko sana gawin  yon kaso ito na naman ang pakiramdam kong ayaw ko na talaga sana pero bakit ba! Naiinis na ako ha!! Super! Mga moment na hindi na dapat mag-appear, super bitter pa rin kasi appear ng appear hindi ko naman kailangan. (bigti mode)

Hindi ko rin naman masabi dahil sa super pagod ko lately sa event at nagkakaganito ang pakiramdam ko. Totoo nga ang sabi nila when ang dalawang tao may special connection kasi kung ano ang nararamdaman mo, yon din ang nararamdaman ng isa. Isang halimbawa na naisip ko ngayon yong nag-iisip ka na itext or tawagan mo yong taong mahal mo tapos siya rin the moment you think about her/him pala,  yon din nasa isip niya. That is a very special connection kasi feelings niyo na ang nagsasabi gawin ang mga bagay2x (wag grin yang utak mo, nakikita ko lol) na sabay.

Yan ang pakiramdam ko ngayon, ang bigat, mas mabigat pa sa kuyukot na dinadala ko at pinipilit pa itong palakihin na parang napaka-imposeble naman yata pero I will still try. You know. =)

Hindi na muna ako magjoke kasi seryos kasi tong post ko na ‘ito. Rots.

Nahihirapan ako? Siguro kasi ayoko tanggapin yong closure. What I mean is OO there is a closure pero ang iniwan ko yong mga magagandang alaala dahil I want to live there, I want to live it that way kasi kahit anong galit naman gawin ko, wala eh, wala naman, feeling ko in the end of it, nasa akin pa rin ang mali, ang kulang but God knows how I tried to save it pero wala na talaga. There are things we need to accept na kung hindi daw talaga para sa atin, wag na natin itong ipilit.

Sa mga pagkakataong ito, gusto kong lumayo. Malayo sa maiingay na ciudad, at manatili muna sa may bundok, yong pagkagising ko puro kahoy lang ang nakikita ko, may dagat at may mga ibon na nagiingay sa paligid.

Wala namang tao or situation na nagpush sa akin na maramdaman tong bigat sa dibdib ko, ito na talaga ang sinasabi kong special connection between us kahit malayo na siya, wala na siya pero dahil may pinagsamahan kayo, meron pa ring natitira kaya alam kong sa oras na ito abot tenga ang ngiti niya, natagpuan na niya ang happiness na hinahanap niya, may kayakap na siya hindi lang sa isang araw or dalawa pero pwedi na ring habang buhay na. I remember that pain, tagos sa laman, sobra!

Napagod ako, parang gusto ko lang matulog ngayon, pinipilit wag umiyak diba kasi wala naman rason, ok naman ako ayoko lang sa naramdaman ko ngayon kasi sobrang bigat. Ito at ito lang yong pakiramdam ng malaman kong ang pagiwan mo sa panahong yon ay natuto ka ng hindi na bumalik.

Sana pwedi kagad sumakay ng eroplano para lumayo at mag-isip ulit. Gusto kong pumara ng airplane at magpunta ng hongkong Disneyland para isiping bata ulit, walang problema, innocente ang pagiisip at hindi nagiisip pa sa kinabukasan.

I’m just really sad.

Bear with me my blog. =)

Wanna escape for a while. 

Reality 12: Masaya ang PBO

Dumating na nga si amang hari at ang anak ng hari sa republika ng pilipinas, yong saya ko hindi maitatago, naging maingay ako sa twitter dahil gusto kong abangan ang kanilang pagtouch down sa pilipinas. Ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman ang pakiramdam na ito galing naman sa mga kaibigan sa blogspero, huli kong naramdaman ang excitement noong isang taon pa mula naman iyon sa taong minamahal ko. Rawwrr.

What you see is what you get in me, mula nong nabago ang buhay ko naging totoo ako sa sarili ko, naging open sa ano ang meron ako at wala man. Hindi maitago ang sayang iyon na dumating na sila dahil nasa isip ko finally makikita ko na sila ng personal hindi yong nasa likod ng isang blog or computer lang sila, mapipisil ko na, mabiro ng totoo, mabigyan ng squeeze hug bawat blogger na Makita ko sa meet up kaso hindi ko rin maitago ang lungkot na nararamdaman ko ngayon dahil just earlier naconfirm ko na hindi na pala ako makakapunta sa manila ngayon February 15, 2013 sa meet up ng mga pboers. Ang last hope ko kasing eroplano na airphil, tumaas na rin ang pamasahe, hindi na kinaya ng aking bulsa dulot sa midterm exams ngayong week na ito at wala akong mahugot na pera sa ngayon dahilan na rin sa dami ng babayarin.

Lagpas langit ang kagustohan kong pumunta para Makita ko sila isa’t isa at gumawa ng memories na pwedi kong balikan kahit saan man ako mapunta sa buhay ko. Naiiyak ako na hindi ko rin maexplain ang pakiramdam na ito dahil nabigo naman ako sa aking expectation, lagi ko pa naman sinasabing kapag iniisip ko na makakapunta ako at maabot ko yan, nangyayari dahil sa law of attraction na yan pero ngayon sinusubukan ako ng panahon at pagkakataon. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kasiyahan ng mga bloggers na sa wakas magkikitakita na sila after ilang buwan na nakikipagkulitan sa mga comment sa blog at sa twitter.

Oo bothered talaga ako ngayon dahil nalungkot ako hindi ko naman maitatago ang pakiramdam na iyan, ayokong magpretend sa emotion ko ngayon, ayoko rin magpretend na meron ako na wala naman dyan. Parang hanggang pangarap lang na makasama ko ang mga bloggers at pboers sa araw ng kanilang meet up sa February 15. Una ko sanang pagkakataon na makasama ang mga taong nagbigay saya sa akin for the past months na sobrang down ako sa buhay ko, yong mga kakulitan ko na hindi matapos tapos hanggang hindi napapagod kakadaldal. Natagpuan ko ang isang kaligayan sa pagbblog na nakita ko na may mga tao pa lang totoo kahit nasa social network site kayo nagkakakilala kaysa nasa harap mo araw-araw, dito ko naramdaman na bawat problema ay may solution may mga tao na nagpapangiti sayo despite of what you’ve been going through personally sa buhay mo.

Hanggang dito nalang muna, malungkot man ako ngayon pero makakarecover din ako. Sana maging masaya at makabulohan ang mga meet ups ninyo aking mga kaibigan sa blogspero.

hangsarap mag hiatus lol pasok nako sa banga! =(

Reality 11: Look inside

A change of thoughts now?

Maybe… I don’t know.

After my mom and grandma appeared in my dream the other night, I come to wonder what was that for, so I ponder a lot the whole day yesterday kaya naisipan kong panoorin ito kagabi.

Last night I happened to watch FINALLY this “the encounter” movie. (if it’s not with our RS subject in school, I wouldn’t know it after all. Requirement din naming panoorin ‘to para gawan ng reaction paper but I got more than that)

I just would like to share it, maybe through this movie may mabago din ang pananaw, thoughts nila or makapagreflect din.

This is biblical ika nga, it will touch the spiritual aspect sa life natin, alam naman ng lahat na I am not a church person but I really believed in God, his divine intervention, no doubt.

Ito lang siguro ulit ang bumalik sa isip ko na lagi kong tinatanong sa kanya na…

“where do you really want me to go?”

After I watched the movie, oo I asked him again pero iba na ang kasunod its “please guide me wherever you want me to go…”

Iba lang ang naging mood ko last night, after nanood, natulog at bagsak talaga ang katawan ko, I wasn’t able to wake up nga ng maaga to go to the gym, parang may bigat lang akong naramdaman sa puso ko kagabi.

I was really touched doon sa part na sinabihan ni God yong mga tao isa-isa ng “I LOVE YOU” wala lang ramdam na ramdam ko lang kasi from the start of his conversation to them, ang lalim na kasi lahat. naisip ko nga habang nanonood ako, totoo nga, totoo siya like nasa harap ko lang.

Kung nakita mo na ang movie na ito? Saan sa lima na character na masabi mong marelate mo ang iyong sarili? I am referring sa attitude na pinapakita niya towards kay God. Kasi ako, siguro yong babaeng in love sa kanyang boyfriend, ang ugali kasi niya was yong pinipilit niya ang bagay na tingin niya tama pero sa mata at desire ni God ay hindi. It happened din kasi minsan yan sa buhay ko until finally natanggap ko na may mga bagay na hindi talaga para sa atin. Kaya ito ako ngayon, shifting my dreams.

Sana maging inspired kayo sa movie na ito, subukan niyo lang tingnan, maybe it will moved you in the end. I am not asking na maniwala kayo sa mga pinagsasabi ko kasi kahit ako alam naman ng lahat na wala sa personality ko ang mga pinagsasabi ko dito pero isa lang ang sasabihin ko, matapang man akong tingnan pero pusong mamon talaga ako. =p wala sa looks ang peg talaga!! Hehehe

Gandang gabi sa lahat.

Naging busy lang talaga ako, pasensya na. makakagala din ako sa inyong mga bahay.

Dahil LOVE MONTH I will share this quote:

LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING…

and please don't forget to share your heart and love to everyone... hindi lang pasko ang kailangan para magshare hehehe i am inviting you po to support the "PBO - BAZAAR FOR A CAUSE" Thanks...

God will provide you more when you share your blessings. =)

Reality 10: That love of mine once...

I hate that feeling, really.

I can’t stop thinking of you, deym!!! Hearing back the song once again, it melted me. i just don’t know if sinasadya ng panahon na marinig ko yong kantang yon! Hammmp! Kaya ayoko sumakay ng taxi as much as possible dahil malamig ang mga kanta, walang rock bakit bah! Naman! Kapag sa jeep naman ako, all I have is my dreams, all I could think of is the life I want after I pass the board exam. Mga pangarap na minsan alam kong impossible pero gusto kong abotin at nakakalimutan kita sa pagkakataong yan.

Not to deny it, everyday kahit a second, oo I still thought of you. I am different with my feelings sa’yo dahil siguro naging ako nong tayo, I am not the person na ako ngayon yong madaming gusto sa buhay, madaming pangarap dahil when I was with you, simply lang ang lahat. Alam  ng diyos how I tried to forget you, not to love you anymore, not to miss you even more. So many times now I wanted to see you back again to know hanggang saan ba kaya ng puso ko tumayo na mag-isa pero hindi ko kaya. I am okay na ganito, wala akong narinig, wala akong alam, parang ok na ako na ang alam ko puro magandang alaala ang natira sakin. I tried not to cry this thing out again pero my geeedd!! I can’t help it, my heart is going to explode.

Confused na naman ako dahil alam kong pinandigan ko ang decision ko, pero malapit na rin mag-isang taon at ganito pa rin ang nararamdaman ko, OO handa na akong magmahal ulit, magcommit, magpakatanga once again lol pero paano nga ba kung may natitirang ganitong feeling pa? puchek! I had the best years with you and I am afraid hindi kayanin ng darating na malagpasan ang ano man ang meron between us. laging sinasabi ng lahat na mas higit pa ang darating sa nawala sayo. Ang nasa utak ko “talaga? Paano nga ba?”

I hate the feeling when I remember you, when I miss you…

I am not hoping anymore, I am not thinking anymore of being together once again, I just maybe need to live my life the way it is now, I maybe live some of those memories but we can’t turn back everything. This is my now and I have to live with that.

hooo! maygeewwdd!! i wanted to cry out loud again!!!! =(

Reality 3: ito na ang aking daan…pinagdadaanan

Reality 2: Part 1

Reality 2: Part 2

Lumiko ako minsan sa buhay ko, no worries hindi naman ako nag-drugs or nagbenta ng katawan. Lol umabot lang sa ponto na nagugulohan ako sa buhay ko, hindi ko alam ano ang gusto ko, sumabay pa ako sa problema ng mama ko at that time, I know I was selfish, immature and stupid.

Yong mama ko, was once a head sa isang government agency, my mom has also a strong personality, kung ano ako ngayon, yon talaga siya no more no less. Dahil sa strong personality na yan at sa pagiging committed sa trabaho, nakita niya ang kanyang mga staff na may corruption ng nagaganap, pinatawag, inayos. Tuloy ang buhay pero hindi na mauulit ang mga bagay na yong mga staff used to do, malaking pera yon, alam ko na ngayon kung bakit dahil gaya ng sabi ko tinahak ko rin ang profession niya.

Dahil sa galit at hiya nong mga staff na yon, nagkaron ng gulo, yong mga corrupt gumawa ng isang groupo para alisin ang mama ko sa position, may isang tao rin kasing gusto kunin ang position kaya gumawa ng mga eksena, naghanap ng butas. Ayaw ng mama ko ng gulo, nagresign kagad si mader, mga high school pa ako noon, mahirap kasi provided kami mula pagkabata hanggang lumaki until dumating ang problemang yan. Sumakay ang aming lawyer, binenta niya ang case namin sa kabila, umabot na nga kami ng supreme court eh. Alam niyo anong hirap dinaanan ko non, yong trauma na bawat mailman na dumarating sa bahay na nagdadala ng sulat galing sa mga court, nanginginig ako sa takot. That was ten years higit pa… walang kaluluwa ang mga taong gumawa non sa amin, kala mo sila lang ang kumakain.

Naging swerte si mommy right after that kasi tinanggap siya sa isang agency ulit where in yong mga pesteng corrupt na mga tao, dadaan sa kanyang mga kamay kasi hihingi ng tulong, nasa regional agency naman siya that time. Nakita ko ang hirap ng mama ko, yong iyak araw-araw, yong sakripisyo namin, yong adjustment lahat na. sa araw-araw ng buhay ko that time sabi ko hanggang kelan matatapos to, pano ako makakaganti. Hindi nacontento ang mga taong yon, naghanap ulit ng butas, nangyari na nga kinakatakotan namin. She left the service without nothing sa kamay niya after almost 36 years of service sa government. mga panahong yon, wala akong magawa, hindi ako makagalaw kasi kahit ako may issue rin sa sarili ko, gulong gulo ako. Napasok ako sa isang government agency at believe it or not, it’s the same agency  saan ang mama ko nagttrabaho pero hindi sa city, sa isang province naman but kapag may regional meetings, nagaabot ang mga tao sa municipality, city at province.

dito nagsimula ang lahat, i was so bitter din kahit noon pa man. hindi ko alam kung dahan-dahan ba akong nakamove-on sa pinagdaanan ko kasi looking back, i was really angry until slowly huminahon ako... 

June 2011July 2011August 2011September 2011

Si mommy noon pa man gusto niya akong mag-aral na ng social work, pero hindi ako handa sa mga panahong yon, hindi ko pa alam ano ang para sa akin at gulong gulo pa rin ako. Araw-araw, lagi niya sinasabi “alam ko  nasa isip mo, hinding hindi mo magawa ang gusto mo kapag hindi ka mag-aral ng social work” tahimik ako palagi kapag ang mama ko na nagsasalita. The painful there was before she died, siguro months, she said “be a social worker para isang araw, you will tell those people right in front of their face na anak ako ni… and what now?!” lagi na niya yon sinasabi even before then pero that year, months before she died I already decided na mag-aaral na ako ng social work, magsstart na ako ng summer.  

It was really painful when the last memory na lagi kong maalala is yong sinabi niyang balikan ko yong mga taong umapi sa kanya, sa amin. Paulit ulit nasa utak ko yan hanggang ngayon.

Gusto ng mama ko na Makita ako ng mga taong umapi sa amin na may natira pa rin sa pamilya namin, na ako daw ang tatayo para sa kanya, ako ang tatapos sa laban na binitiwan niya minsan. Sobrang bigat yan at pilit ko mang burahin sa utak ko, napapaniginipan ko ang mama ko, alam ko hindi pa siya tahimik until I will get that license. (may board exam kasi ang social work)

Kaya habang nag-aaral ako ngayon, lagi kong dinidream at hinihingi na sana mag-top ako sa board exam (ambisyosa ako ano pero kailangan kong gawin to) kasi ito lang ang alam kong pwedi masabi ng lahat na ang anak ni… sumunod din sa yapak ng mama niya. May legacy na naiwan ang mama ko dito at yan ang pressure sakin ngayon. Todo kayod ako sa pag-aaral na hindi ko naman ginagawa noon, ayoko nga magbasa ng libro noon, maganda pa ang books noon kasi hard bound, may pictures, glossy pa pero  ngayon kahit photocopy lang kasi wala kaming libro sa social work talaga, pinagttyagaan kong basahin para isang araw pagdating ng board exam, maabot ko ang gusto ko at mabandera ang mukha ko sa harap ng opisina nong mga taong pesteh! (oo, paglabas kasi nila sa opisina eh paaralan ko na, kapag may pumasa sa course namin, ang laki ng tarp nakalagay kasi kami lang din ang nag-offer ng social work dito sa city namin.)

At ang masakit pa, isa sa mga anak nong taong umapi sa amin, eh classmate ko. Araw-araw lagi ko naalala yong iyak ng mama ko, hirap at lahat. hindi ko man masabi sa kanya ng diretso kasi bangayan ng magulang yon eh wala siyang alam pero ang pinapakain ng magulang niya sa kanya ay yong pera nakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya slight nalang ang ginagawa ko, kapag nagrereport siya, bonggang bombah na questions ang tinitira ko yong the whole period hindi siya makaupo lol

Ang buhay ay iikot talaga parang earth nga lang kasi isipin niyo kapag makuha ko yong license, isang araw malaking chance na magkakaharap kami dahil parehas na kami ng profession. Siguro sa panahong yan, matatahimik na rin ang mama ko, kasi hanggang ngayon alam ko, hindi pa niya natapos ang mission niya dito sa mundo. In fact when she died, nagparamdam siya sa close friend nya, nagusap sila sa panaginip, umiiyak ang mama ko, ang sabi niya ayoko pang mamatay kasi may gagawin pa ako pero ang katawan ko bumigay na. it crashed me kasi alam ko ano pa ang kulang at hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko yan, tawa lang ako ng tawa sa araw-araw sa mga comment na nakikita niyo pero deep inside me, ito ang reality ko sa buhay ko.

Itutuloy…

Wag magbasa kasi.

It’s January 2 and yeah it’s still January 2, unang pasok sa trabaho sa taong 2013. Habang nagbabasa ako ng blog sa mga kaibigan, bang! Beng! Feeng! It reminds me of something that like I always said na dapat hindi na maremember at isipin! Hahaha kahit anong tawa ko promise, the pain is still inside me. Charos! Totoo. Walang biro, seryos na ako! Hihihi akalain mo, sometimes you see yourself sa ibang tao, there are emotions you cannot express dahil kailangan itago pero others helped you to take that out. So ito na nga! Kakayanin ko ito! Hehehe nadala ako sa aking emosyon! hahaha simpleng inggitera ang emosyon ko! 

Si Antonio ang dahilan at ang alindog ni jonDmur…

Gaya ng sabi ko, matapang ako, I have a strong personality pero tambling din ako sa taong ito, lahat alam, lahat pwedi and walang keme, pati amoy ng utot alam! Pwedi akong sumigaw na hindi ako babarahin, aawayin siya at susuyoin ako, pweding saktan physically kapag gusto ko lol (wag berdeh isip haha) lahat may katapusan, even if I wanted it still, hindi na talaga pwedi. There are moments now I am tempted to check his status, kung ano na nangyari sa buhay niya pero natatakot ako, hindi ko alam anong takot ito, takot masaktan? Mainggit dahil he is happy? Or he finally found someone kung  saan mas nakita niyang mas happy siya doon? Wala, basta malalim na hininga lang ang kaya kong gawin kapag ito ay napapagusapan. Gusto kong tumawa ngayon pero naiiyak na ako! Charos!! Kailangan tulongan ang sarili! As in now na talaga!

sabi nga ni tonio sa kanyang entry, may 3 month rule moving period, ako heller! Kumusta naman! Anong oras at petsa na! sa stages of grieving nasa acceptance na ako pero takot pa rin akong malaman ano na ang nangyari sa kanya. hindi ko na ito babalakin pa siguro. roowtts!! ang iba’t ibang teknik naman sa sex life ang sabi ni jonDmur, at sinabit ko siya dito dahil lahat ng sinabi niya doon ay totoo at dahil doon, naaalala ko ang mga kalokohan namin kapag napagusapan ang mga illegal na bagay! Hahaha peteks! Kumusta naman ako ngayon! Hindi ako bitter, totoo yan pero I just simply missed him! Nakakamatay na ha! Hahaha

basta iibahin ko ang taong 2013, bagong perspective sa buhay at aabotin ang mga pangarap! Ganyan! Kahit sinasabi ng lahat na kung may nawala, may darating na mas higit pa sa kanya, asan na?! hahana I’m too busy sa buhay ko ngayon para isipin ang mga ganito, pero dahil hindi pa pasukan sa school, kaya ito emote ng emote! Haha cyber attack batok at tadyak kay Antonio at jonDmur!

Tambling ang mataba na puso

Dahil sa bagong discovery ko na pagiging inggiterah sa mga post ng year end, kinarer ko na teh! I scanned my fb again and again kung ano ang nangyari sa buhay ko for 2012 and beng! Beng! Bang! May nakita akong dapat hindi na Makita and bigla akong nalungkot! (ang napapala sa pagiging inggeterah! Haha) momove on na ako teh! haha

People always dream to have a lasting relationship but this people have ever ask kayah ba nila? (anak ni pokwang! Parang lasing lang ako sa English! Eemo na kasunod nito! Haha) natanong ko na kasi yan minsan dahil yong personality ko ang problema, syadong strong at nakaka-intimidate ako sa marami lalo naman sa mga lalaki! (ganyan! Echos panakot!) kaya ko naman magtagal but ang tanong kaya ban g tao magtagal sa personality ko! (ober da bakod haha) I know kasi God won’t give you everything in this world. Malakas ang kutob ko successful ako sa career ko, sa pangarap ko, yong dream ko na magsasalita sa harap ng buong tao, hindi lang isang bansa nasa likod ko pero marami (to clear, hindi yan politician! Haha) makapagtravel ng libre sa buong mundo pero failed ako sa relationship! Hahaha tan-enah! Yon pa naman ang pinakamasaya! Charos! 

dalawang tao lang ang alam kong kinaya niyang patamblingin ang ugali ko at hindi na nagwork din for some reasons na madali lang maintindihan ng iba. (ganyan! Char haha) oo, simply ang reason pero mahirap tanggapin. Nahihirapan ako those moment sa life ko but dahil na rin sa pagiging busy ko, nakakalimutan ko na pero may mga pagkakataon pa rin that reminds me of him pero echos lang yon! Haha honestly, meron talaga pero its not like before na hindi talaga ako nakakatulog (may ganyang arteh!), nasobrahan lang ako sa kapeh siguro sa mga panahong iyon!

People say na ang babae ang hinahanap nila ay yong tulad ng tatay nila, ang lalaki tulad ng nanay nila. Impossible isipin pero totoo yon, ang nag-aatract sa babae at lalaki ay mga qualities na nakikita nila sa magulang nila dahil ito ang kinalakihan nila. Charing! Para sa akin it happened, sa kapatid ko ganon din. May pressure slight kapag ang nakikita mong magulang ay buong nagmamahalan, no lies and even my mom died already, ayaw ng mag-asawa ni pader! (good kasi pasok sa banga ang babaeng yon! Uunahan pa kami ng kapatid ko! Haha)

Sa 2013, ayoko ng maghope, but nakakahawa minsan sila sis arline at ang mga pugi na si jon, archie, rix, tonio, cyron, bagotilyo, empi, pao, at bino na hopeful talaga sila sa 2013. Parang ngayon ko lang narealize na come what may nalang ako! Hahaha madami pang mangyayari sa buhay ko basta hindi pa end of the world, baka sa susunod hindi lang tambling ang kaya gawin ng taong darating baka pwedi na rin siyang umakyat sa coconut tree para kumuha ng buko at coconut para sa aking buhok pang hot oil. Haha

Iba ang nagagawa kapag may sakit kung ano-ano ang naiisip. Lels!

Ano ang reality mo sa buhay ngayon...

Ang isshare ko now – reality check sa buhay. Iba kasi nagtapos ang araw ko kahapon sa office and naconnect sa usapan namin ng sissy ko when we went out last night. i know that we have our own fields sa buhay, kanya-kanyang profession, gusto at hilig. Pero tanong ko, isa lang, haha what do you know about the profession na social worker? As in registered social worker? I just laughed when people answered na taga bigay ng bigas, relief kapag may disaster! Ganon lang yon? Hahaha may bagong trend naman ngayon, kapag sinabi social worker konek right away sa 4ps teh! Hahaha hindi ha! It’s beyond that sa totoo lang hehehe "from womb to tomb" sabi ng iba kasi lahat ng social problems, yon ang hinaharap namin! lels! kinarer! I cannot read mind and thoughts but I can assess bakit ang isang tao naging problema sa society natin, bakit may mga bata nasa institution, mga taong palaboy, addict etc... Saka na yang lecture na yan haha let’s go back. I  just wanted to share this para maiba naman, hindi emo ang ikukwento ko, hindi rin joke! Haha lels!

In the office we deal with a lot of social problems, everyday different situations, people and stories. Maawa ka minsan, maiinis ka. So kailangan malaking unawa para maintindihan sila pero teh! Minsan talaga dahil tao lang tayo, nagagalit ka rin and hindi mo maiiwasan ang situation na yan, walang santo sa mundo, if meron man pakilala mo sakin! Hahaha

About to end na kahapon, around 3:30 pm, may babae dumating, yong kasama ko talked to her, chika galore, humihingi ng pambayad sa hospital kasi nanganak! Ok naintindihan ang aspeto na iyan, PERO siya na yong nanganak, siya pa ang naghahanap ng pambayad ng hospital. Siya ha na kakapanganak pa lang, yong kasama kong kumausap sa kanya, nakikita ko na ang mukha na ALAM ko na! alam ko ng naiinis na siya.

Umalis ang babae… after 30 minutes bumalik.

May problema si ateh ulit! Wala silang pagkain. At take note, siya ulit ang pumasok sa opisina na kakapanganak pa, yong anak niya nasa hospital, naka-incubator pa. imagine? Siya na kakapanganak siya pa ang humingi ulit ng pagkain, siya ang magbibitbit ng bigas na ibibigay ng opisina. Ang tanong SAAN ANG ASAWA niya?! My officemate keep on asking saan ayaw niya magsalita, AT!!! Hindi lang pala unang anak yon teh! Wag ng itanong sakin kasi alam kong mas kukulo ang dugo niyo! Hahaha everyday ganyan ang mga situations na-eencounter namin, and slight pa lang yan, minsan may mga mentally challenge na nagdadala ng bomba-bombahan daw iyon at pasasabogin ang opisina namin, kuh teh! Nakakalukah! Kaya nakakastress talaga sa opes!

Si kapated naman ay isang nars!

Na-assign sa isang government hospital. Unang field, sa ob ward (different gov’t hospital) ngayon nasa suite room naman (another gov’t hospital) sa OB ward, sabi niya, laging no stock ang nakalagay sa mga resita ng pasyente niya so kailangan bilhin sa labas. Matagal daw bumabalik ang nauutusan bumili ng gamot, hindi lang minsan, madalas yan. Maya ko na kwento kong bakit, bitin slight muna teh! ngayon sa suite room naman, hindi daw sila naglalagay ng NS dahil iba ang policy.  Dahil nasa suite room sila, walang rason hindi sila makakabili ng gamot. (Check!) yong sa ob ward naman, matagal bumabalik kasi walang pambili, kailangan pang hanapin, at utangin sa mga kapitbahay nila o kamag-anak para mabili ang gamot kahit mefenamic lang yan, oo mefenamic pain reliever that cost na wala pang ten pesos pero walang pambili. Reality like this must see the government pero ewan ko ba! Nasa gobyerno ako at nakikita ko anong systema nila, wala ako sa position to raise that issue. The government turn deaf about it, as always! Our political system ay isang malaking factor na nakakahinder ng development sa community. (ma-shoot to kill na ako nito! Haha tama nayan!)

Sabi ni kapated, kapag sa ward nagkamali ang isang nars, wala ng tanong ang mga pasyente, pero kapag yong mga pasyente nasa suite room at nagkamali ang nars, nagrereklamo. Those patients or clients as common we used, sa opisina yan pumupunta kapag wala ng pambayad, we can assess them, we can link them to other line agency na pwedi tumulong sa kanila. Minsan ‘tong si kapatid, dahil sa awa ng mga patients niya sa ob ward dati, marunong ng gumawa ng love letter para sakin stating na “ate, please help kasi kawawa naman!” ganyan ang feeling at ugali namin kasi pinalaki at pinakain kami ng isang social worker licensed, yong nanay ko! Oo, yong mommy ko ay isang social worker kaya alam namin bakit may taong mayaman at mahirap, iba-iba ang ugali, pananaw sa buhay, gusto sa buhay, saan galing ang mga problema nila etc.. Pero ang lahat-lahat ay isang choice, a choice to be made na yan ang gusto mo maging sa sarili mo. amen! Hahaha

We both miss it

When I was in my first course in college, I have this guy bestfriend, I can defined him as refined, religious and funny.  We’ve seen our growth, we shared good and bad memories until situation parted our ways. We made a promise once that we will finish first our course bago mag-gf and mag-bf, I could still recall the 5 thousand pesos pustahan, whoever get into a relationship first will pay 5 thousand pesos. We’re still teenagers! We think that way! Hahaha

He was my bestfriend, and I was the last person to know nagkaroon siya ng girlfriend, and boom! I hated him so much that I wanted to throw him from the 5^th floor where our department belongs. I verbally expressed that I hate him, that he broke our usapan and I was really afraid that hindi siya makatapos dahil masisira ang buhay niya dahil sa pag-ggf! it’s not about the money but it’s loyalty and word of honor. Ang stupid ng isip ko noon! Hahaha now I realized how stubborn and selfish I was!! And it really happened, he stopped, he didn’t go to school anymore, I haven’t heard about him ever since.

A year or two I think, he came back to school, he tried to approach me but I was already closed. I still expressed my emotions that I was really mad at him. (i have no other reason of being mad except that promise, I don’t have any feelings for him!! He is just a friend to me!) Every time he wanted to talk to me, I refused and I openly express that he has no room in my life anymore. I lost him, she lost me.

More than 6 years had passed, maybe, I can’t count it. Our path crossed online, we talked sa ym, I even forgot na nag-away pala kami noon! Hahaha shit ang utak ko! Hahaha tan-enah!! He told me “I want to tell you that I consider you really as my bestfriend” and oh my god!! As in like, hell! I said “yeah, me too and I missed you” simple as that. Then our communication went off again because I keep on changing numbers at that time dahil may issue din ako sa own life ko! Hahaha and I know he is been busy also sa girlfriend niya, sa work and even his past time – online games.

Lately, I was online sa fb and I saw his updated profile, I come to like one of his updates and unexpectedly biglang beep! “hey musta?” and the conversation ended into having a coffee kapag may time. And I said “we need to catch up” and he replied “yah, a lot!” and I realized how many days of his lives I missed, the memories we should create, the laughter that we both shared and the ups and downs in his life being his best friend, I wish I was there walking with him.

Now we’re texting back again, just now and decided to meet tomorrow after how many years I avoided him, I ignored him. What I only wish now is I hope we could still patch things up and create new memories. Things may be different this time between us as best of friends, but let’s just see, kwento ko nalang bukas! Hahaha para may thrill naman! hehehe

Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

Soft inside hard outside

I tried to rationalize everything that is happening in my life. This is my way of coping up, it worked for me, oo nag-work and nagstand out ako but sometimes I could still feel the pain inside me, I just don’t want to show it, I don’t even say it because knowing myself na matapang, pinanindigan ko talaga yan! I am strong pero mas mabilis akong umiyak! Mind you! Lels!! Hahaha I don’t know why ganon, maybe it’s already inside my heart na super soft ako pero hard lang akong tingnan! Hahaha

I was hurt and I tried to fight that, I cried and that’s enough for now. I understand that if its not meant to be, then its not. There are really things in life na hindi talaga pwede, we just need to accept that, it will hurt us but this will help us to grow, to believe in second chances. Slowly I am trying to understand myself, I learn to love myself even more because if I am not this strong matagal na siguro akong bumigay, with those problems na dinaanan ko at ng pamilya ko it made me stronger, mas nagiging fighter din ako when mom died. I stood for the family no matter what, kung dati I don’t speak, I don’t say what’s in my heart, ngayon all those things na hindi ko nagawa noon, I am doing it now.

At this stage in my life, ang daming nareveal na ugali na hindi ko nakita noon, and I am seeing my mother sa mga ugali ko ngayon, maybe because I grew up seeing her always, the success sa career niya, how to handle people na may problema at kailangan maging matapang ka everytime you listen to their problems. When I studied social work, life changed and i am more appreciative this time, I kept myself on the ground, I refrain from judging people and lahat ng yon nakita ko rin sa mommy ko, that’s why after a long journey sa buhay ko, I stand to follow her profession, to believe in change and to touch the lives of the people and that change won’t be possible to others if you don’t start it within you.

Secret comfort zone

I am not ready to reveal what my real feelings towards other people, this blog site, I am keeping this for long, I kept it as a secret to my family, friends and acquaintances either, I am not afraid to be judged by them, I know who are real and not. It is just a choice not to tell them about it because I just don’t want it. I’d rather trust people who have same passion virtually than sharing these to people I know they will just talk about you. I take this as my secret comfort zone and I’d rather leave it that way.

What I have shared here is different of how they see me personally, I am stiff, I have strong personality, straight forward, I tell directly what I want and don’t, I sometimes want things to be done immediately, growing up now I have learned to value time that’s why I hate procrastination. I always insist that yes I have strong personality but not everybody  knows I am sweet, it just doesn’t show and can’t be justified the way I speak. I have a big heart, but I just want to keep it to myself.

How you act doesn’t define who you are, that’s what I have learned in life. Do what makes you happy, in every little thing you do, make sure you find contentment. Life is easy, we just make it complicated, if we learn to be contented in all the things we do, probably there will be no more confusions and we learn to value what we have. I don’t care too much now on how people think about me, I let them talk, I let them throw me a stone and I make it sure I throw them back kindness despite of how they think about me. This is me and I cannot change that, if I'll do that, I will never be me at all. Being good to other people no matter how they break you, you will still stand out, because you just proved to them that you are strong enough to face them and I learned to do that after all this time. 

Mom is just around, i know.

Since mom left us, the three of us, yesterday, I, my father and sissy went to another comfort zone. My father drives to his brother to play chess, my sister went to my mother’s only and younger sister (just back of our house) and I, left alone at home. It’s been a year and a half since mom died and I could still feel her around the house, or maybe because when she was still alive, I used to have that feeling even if I kept myself inside my room most of the time, I know she’s just outside reading or taking her cup of tea. Now, sitting on my bed inside my room, reading blogs or updating fb status, my feeling doesn’t change at all, she’s still outside sitting on her favourite chair. I can’t let go of that feeling yet, not now or maybe not ever.

While growing up, I understand why mom keep on banging us, what I am now it is because of the love and values she taught us. Most of the people will tell I have a strong personality, so as my mom, strong but we both have a soft spot in our hearts, it just doesn’t show. Just dig and you will know. It’s always true to tell about “kung ano puno ay siya ring bunga!” and my father, sissy and I take that as a joke like “walang mangga magkaroon ng bunga na bayabas!” so much of avoidance, I still follow my mom’s footstep after all this time. It’s been a long search of myself, a long journey before I came to realize that this is what I want to be in my life, to be a registered social worker just like my mom. I am happy of what I become now, the people that surround me gave me enough strength to go on with my dreams and make that dream come true.

One day, I know mom will be happy with the choice I made in my life, the road I walk into and to continue her legacy. I always know I can do more than what she did because she believes in that, she always tells me that. I grew up believing that one day, I can do better than what I just saw and heard from my mother. Whatever I did now, this is because she gave me the strength to pursue the life I deserve.

Just go

I still think of you after all this time, I just don’t have the heart anymore to say how you've been and how you’re holding up. It’s just so painful, I know, but this is all for the best, for the best of you and me. I still want to say how much I love you but it’s not right anymore. I could still hear you laughing, your smile kills me. If only I could turn back everything to make things right for us, I wish I could. Loving you is the best thing I did in my life and I never regret that.

I wish I could still say it how much I miss you, the endless goodnights and I love you’s, waking me up in the middle of the night just to make me feel I am secured. I surely miss all that. It’s killing me. It has been so hard but I am trying everything I could to forget you. I had the best of times with you and I just can’t throw it all away like that. I don’t know where in the world you are now and I don’t want to know anymore, I don’t want to feel that pain again, I don’t want to go back in time where I felt I was so drowned.

I have my family and friends, yes, but I still feel so empty, I just couldn't explain it. It’s not right anymore, it’s not gonna work and I am not holding it back everything between us because without me now, your life will be in much place. You will be seeing your true happiness in time and I am not yet so sure if my heart supports that. I just wanted to shout what’s in my heart now, I just couldn't, I already did that once and I don’t want to do it again.

I am really trying but I didn't realize that this will hurt me so much. I am not yet ready to let you go because I just don’t know how. i am even afraid to know if you have given your heart already to someone new, I am not ready for that even. I understand my feelings but I can’t find a way to comfort it. How long I will go through this? I can’t wait to see what lies ahead of me, I know there is, because I believed that in every end there’s a new beginning. I hope this is all temporary for now because I can’t bare it anymore.