We are all going there... old age.

One afternoon of October 4, 2012, i was going to school and I come to pass by an old lola in the corner of the street who is trying to fix something, she tried to bend as she could to reach the newspaper with her faeces inside and that really strikes me a lot. The moment I saw the lola, i shook my head and there’s a lot of questions poke my head that I myself could not even answer for I know there are a lot of possible reasons to my questions. I was really hurt seeing far behind the lola who is helping herself to fix the mess that I myself can’t help her. I know she could still think of cleaning it before she will be reprimanded by some authority and she has no choice but she has to do it by herself. 

I don’t know who’s to blame, we don’t even know what’s really the reason behind why that lola is on the street. One thing I know with our Filipino culture, we are obliged to take care of our parents and grandparents, we may have something to give or doesn’t have at all. It is part of our values also that has been instilled that no matter what, we have to attend them. It really strikes me until now, It was one of the social issues that open my eyes to reality that gave me some hint on what I can do more in the future and with the profession I have chosen.

If only their voices have been heard, I know how happy they will feel when they know that before they die they are secured already. Everybody is going to where they are now, I don’t think each individual can afford to be like them, sleeping on the streets without blanket, they eat once a day and has no bed to take a rest. I don’t know why government cover their eyes and ears on this matter; I don’t think they still have to wait that somebody will raise that issue to give these street grandparents a home to stay. They just don’t want it because they can’t use or help for their political or electoral agenda. But their prayer does!! Mom told me once “kapag bata nasa daan, madaming pupulot, pero kapag matanda, wala!” and now that I have grown up, I certainly agree to my mother.

i understand yet i'm confused

If I wasn’t able to take up the course of social work now, probably hindi ganito kabangag ang utak ko ngayon!! I have been so confused in my career and life now after studying the theories. Nauna kasi ang field practice ko bago ko nalaman ang theories, meaning nakapagtrabaho ako sa social welfare office before I decided to take up social work course. But one of the biggest reason why I took up the course because I wanted to follow my mom’s legacy and on the other side as I have mentioned in the previous post I had, there are personal and professional issues I wanted to finish.

If I was too assertive noon sa work ko, ngayon parang I got bored already. Kung noon kaya ko makipagusap sa tao kahit higit sampu sa isang araw and puro problema ang pinaguusapan niyo ngayon parang ewan hindi ko alam I am really confused yon talaga ang nafefeel ko!! I took a break already, walang trabaho and walang school lessons kasi nagkasakit ako pero when I got back to the world I used to have, ganon at ganon pa rin ang feeling ko. (kailangan ko na atang magpacounseling nito lol)

Knowing the deeper thought of social work, I have realized that it is not just a matter of helping people but a better understanding in every situation that we have in our life. Hindi naman ako pagod sa work ko, ito ang passion ko at I know ito ang gusto ko pero there’s something behind this, hindi ko lang siguro na-eexpress kung ano or hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano nga ba talaga, noon I found my contentment in life ngayon hindi ko na nararamdaman yon, even satisfaction in work, wala na rin ako, I felt like I already grew up and I still want more of what I am doing now.

Isumpa ko na kaya ang social work na course ano?! Hahaha punyets talaga!! Lumubo utak ko ng malaman ko ang mga katotohanan sa paligid natin!! I understand yet I am confused, pano ko ijujustify yan? =(

Weighing Emotions

As I went home tonight, there are a lot of things in my mind. I thought of those times when I started to learn how to accept things just the way they are.

I couldn’t forget the first two weeks in school, I burst it out, and I can’t control those emotions that I have at that time. I felt the weight in my heart because every day, it always reminds me of my mom. Everything is so fresh, the pain is still there, the wounds won’t heal, and it’s getting even deeper. I tried to give a part of myself to let it out, to somehow let my ill feelings out through a professional help from our program coordinator. I had mixed emotions because she was a very good friend of my mom; she knew almost everything what happened to my mom’s career and our life. i know that “papunta pa lang ako, pabalik na siya” The feelings I had that moment was like the first time I knew I have given a “transparent” emotion towards her, I couldn’t help myself anymore, it was really heavy, so definitely she is not a friend of my mom that moment, not even our program coordinator but a friend.

I have no one to talk about it at home, the more I shared it with my sister the more I felt that anger and hatred so I have to choose not to say anything about it or I am going to take more pain from her side. I was so silent all those years, I have seen how my mom cried day and night, every moment she remembered how her co-social workers betrayed her. Everyone thought that I was strong because I don’t let my emotions visible to everyone. I am not a talky type of a person; I am passive because to some situations that I just wanted to ignore it so I will not get hurt.

Social work has opened my eyes, my heart and emotions. If I was the person who says a few words, now i am person who wanted to share more. I tried to understand every point in my life where there is too much pain, frustration, desperation and hurt but sometimes I would end up asking still “why?” I am not questioning why God gave us this instead I am asking for a question of “why it has to go that far?”

Well, now I slowly start to pick up the broken pieces in my life.