How will you understand them?

One of the challenges I encountered every day in my life especially in the office is yong you are talking to different people and hearing different sentiments in their life, I may say we have problems but if we look into the bigger picture, there are more na mas mabigat at mahirap ang problema if you are just sensitive enough to lend your ears.

There are a lot of cases every day, there are also common, but one thing I assure you is, they have different stories. You know, if you are a psychology graduate or studying psych, social work or even sociology you will understand most of the things that Is happening around us, we are sensitive to things, situations and even our own family situations, we are very careful to that. But to those na walang background, it doesn’t matter at all, other people in the rural to be specific, their only priority is mapakain ng tatlong beses ang pamilya nila in one day, swerte na yon if three meals na.

I met a lot of people already, mayaman at mahirap, pero isa lang ang narealize ko all this time working, pare-pareho tayo ng nararamdaman when our immediate family goes to the hospital, walang mahirap at mayaman if you have a deadly disease. The difference between the government hospital and the private, it’s too big, pero hindi lahat ng nakaprivate hospital, lahat nakakabayad, dahil sa laki ng bill, kailangan mangutang or magsangla ng property para mailabas ang kanilang pasyente. Sa government naman, maliit ang bayad, madami ka pang pweding puntahan to pay the remaining amount of the bill pero kailangan mong mag-tiis at makipagsiksikan sa hospital.

One of the most challenging cases I have handled is yong nag-lalabor, young age, teenager, may ka-live in partner at ang haharap sayo, mga magulang pa rin nila and when you ask them a question “how old are you nanay when you had your first child?!” ang sagot “kasing edad ng anak kong nanganak, mam!” history repeats itself?! tama ba ako? Oo kasi yon ang nakikita nila, yon ang naririnig nila and these children thought that it’s right, minsan ang iba they made an excuse na hiwalay ang magulang at kailangan nila ng kasama. Ikaw, pano mo isipin ang ganyang situation? Is it acceptable? Reasonable? Justifiable? Ako, depende yan, kasi there are cases naman na rape victim, nabuntis, hindi acceptable pero walang may gustong ma-rape!

May mas challenging at nakakainis sa lahat, 42 years old, gave labor to her 13^th child, kasabay ang anak niyang naglalabor din for her 1^st child, means apo na niya yon. Ngayon, kaya  mo bang intindihin ang mga taong tulad nila? Then the person na haharap sa’yo is yong tatay na parang wala lang, they don’t even think of ano ang ipapakain nila sa anak nila. They are just one of those kind of people na na-eencounter ko every day sa buhay ko, this gave me the reason to aim more, dream hard para one day, I know I can’t change the world, I can’t change everything but at least I could share something that is worth to live in this world.

I never stop loving

Sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves, we need to go back in the past in order to understand all the things that is happening to us right now, we need to reflect in order to do more what we think we can do.

When you lost a person in your life, you will realize that life is short. You will tend to ask yourself what were the good deeds you do to others. Am I ready to face God when the time of my death arrives? But you know what, when my mom died, what comes first into my mind when I heard the doctor says “time of death” – does the values mom gave us is enough already for us to face the world without her? Yes, I really thought of that, because in our family, family values are one of the important aspects we need to look up to. The words of my mother is the same words with my uncles (her brothers), me and my sister’s thoughts or perspective on the way we see life is the same with my cousins (her brother’s sons’ and daughters’). We are all seeing realities in life, we deal with what is the truth about life and that help me to endure all the problems in time.

I am not expressive, I may be too silent with my feelings in the past but when social work nurtured me to speak up, I have learned to voice out everything, it may be that I am mad or happy, I learned to open myself to the reality, sometimes we need to say what’s in our heart, good or bad, so the pain won’t dwell in your heart. Take some time to let your heart breathe.

When I lost my mom, I tried the best I could to stand for my family, for my father and sister. I am not my mother, I am not even trying to be my mother but all I can do is to be me as a person I know. But, I am really my mother’s “replica” no matter how I try to avoid her mannerisms, behaviors, attitude, even the way she deliver her words of encouragement, to discuss matters on the table, her perspectives in life, it’s in me, it’s in my blood and veins, I could not get away from it. The more I discover about myself as I grow up, the more I understand who my mom is. I could no longer deny it that I ran into her footsteps after all this time.

I am missing my mom, of course, but I need to be strong not to miss her that much because it will definitely kill my emotions. I have a soft heart it just doesn’t show. i can still feel mom until now, I could still see her in my dreams, reminding of simple things I used to forget when she was still alive, whenever exams is approaching – she’s always sitting beside me in my dreams, when problems pop up – she keeps on ranting but I couldn’t hear it. I always tell she’s still here I just couldn’t see her. I believed in my instinct.  

If mom is still alive now, probably she won’t stop ranting us until we get the life we deserve it. mothers’ knows best and that is proven in time! 

Kung kaya lang basahin ng tao ang lahat ng libro

I decided to change my new header. From emote2x churbabels to something I can relate to. Books? Ngee! Honestly I don’t read books, yong mga nobelang wala akong maintindihan, hindi ako love ng libro at hindi ko rin love ang libro!! Fair enough!! Hahaha even if I don’t read books, I am attracted to books, I do not know why, every time I search for a wallpaper for my desktop I always look into books, modern or an old one.

If I am going to assess myself (naging psychiatrist na ako ngayon! Haha) siguro books because there are a lot of stories behind my personality, like I have been telling lately that I am not a talky type of person noon, I seldom throw jokes or maybe I am not a humorous person pero a lot of people didn’t know that my mind so wide grin! Lels!! OO! At hindi bagay sa akin ang magjoke sa totoo lang!! hahaha kasi I always look so serious and matured whenever I talked pero magkasubokan nalang tayo! Hahaha hinahamon ko na sarili ko ngayon!! Hahaha

I chose that old books on the shelf kasi parang isang magnet talaga ang picture na yan sakin, maybe because behind that book there’s a lot of things to learn kagaya rin ng buhay ko, I have been into a lot of trials sa buhay ko, feeling ko nga ngayon ko lang nakita ang sarili ko, ngayon ko lang nabuksan ang libro ng buhay ko through this blog. Dumaan na nga ako sa depression na ngayon ko lang din naintindihan through my social work class, ichichika ko nalang sa inyo sa susunod kong entry what really happened sa depression kong iyon!! Hahaha mga chismoso at chismosa na kayo niyan!! LELS!!

Sa next na entry ko na ang chismis!! Kahit malapit na ako sa calendar kaya ko pa rin ang mambitin sa kahit anong pakiramdam pa man yan!! hahaha

Ang tao kung makapaghusga nga naman

Ang tao nga naman talaga ay tao lang! kung ano ang nakikita, yon na kagad ang nakatatak sa isip. Hindi ko personality ang magpretend dahil yon ang gusto ng ibang tao or majority reasons eh dahil kailangan dahil isang image ng babae ako. It is been an issue sa ibang tao kung ano ako, they will always have that judgment na “tomboy” or a “bisexual’ and the like, whatever it is, IT’S NOT!! I am straight yon ang alam ko sa pagkatao ko!!

Almost all of the people who will look at me will directly judge me kung ano ako at sino ako (putah dibah!!) dahil sa kilos ko na boyish then hinuhusgaan ka na kagad!! I grew up with my dad because my mom was so busy sa career niya, my childhood was with my dad, kung ano ang laro ng panlalaki yon din ang nilalaro ko syempre alangan naman maglalaro ng barbie yong tatay ko diba? Definitely, marbles, kite, sipa bola and yong laro ng mga batang lalaki yon ang nagagawa ko noon.

Ngayon na super grown up na ako, I am labeled and judged na “tomboy” dahil lang sa kilos ko. It is not my fault naman siguro na ganito ako gumalaw, magsalita na parang lagi akong galit (LOL). Ang masasabi ko lang wala naman akong any relationship ever with the same sex, at hindi rin naman ako nagkakagusto sa same sex so how can that be? Diba?! hindi ko rin naman masabi na confused ako kasi alam ko naman ano ang gusto ko (hmmm...) at ano/saan ako maging masaya (LOL)

I have been into relationships pero hindi lang talaga nagwowork dahil mas dominant ako at ayoko kasi sa lalaki na ako pa ang magtuturo kung ano ang dapat gawin at I don’t want that he is learning from me but gusto ko I am learning something from him. Kaya malamang walang tumagal!! (hahaha)

Mas kilala ko ang sarili ko higit kanino pa man and this is the time I am confident enough to bring up issues like this kasi isa lang ang masabi ko “handa na akong isiwalat ang buhay ko dito!!”  (hahaha may ganong balak talaga!!) I just really don’t understand people, madami akong kilala nga nagdadamit sobrang sexy pero kasama nila sa bahay eh isang “bisexual” tapos ako na nagdadamit lang ng t-shirt, pants at sneakers napagkakamalan ng tomboy!! Ano ba namang buhay to diba!! Ang tao nga naman!!!

Hindi naman porket 2012 na ngayon eh magdamit ako ayon sa gusto ng ibang tao para lang hindi ako mahusgahan!! I don’t think I need to please everybody, medyo tumanda na ako ng konti ata sa pagtatanggol sa sarili ko sa ibang tao dahil lang sa kilos ko kaya this time gaya ng dati, keber!!! Mamatay nalang sa inggit kung ako ay may future pang makapag-asawa!! (hahaha)

Medyo hindi ako sa women’s department, hindi rin naman sa men’s siguro pwede na sa akin ang unisex department kung meron man!! Dahil katawan babae ako pero ang mga damit ko ay simply lang, tshirt, pants at sneakers!! Basta ang alam ko straight ako kahit ano pang sabihin ng ibang tao, nagkataon lang talaga na yong kilos ko eh mas macho pa sa ibang nagmamacho-machohan!! (hahaha)

Bearing the sweet fruits

I thought I was done making a blog.

After I made the blog earlier, I went out to find my mom’s red file box. I asked my sister about it but she just nodded so I have no choice but to look inside the master’s bedroom. It was really unusual because when I opened the door I paused for no reason and my tears again started to fell. I looked into the bed where I always see my mom lying whenever I came home late at night. Once again, I started to feel the loss. I still grieve.

Whenever I feel the loss, I always remember those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death. So much I really wanted to be strong to face life every day without bitterness, hatred and anger, still my strength is not enough to fight back, to move on. There’s no easy way to forgive when you know that you have lost everything. The only thing that we have now, with my sister and papa is the principle, dignity, wisdom, reputation and values that my mom imparted to us.

I’ve tasted the sweetest word from other people whom have appreciated my mom’s good deeds. It’s true that “kung ano ang tinanim, yon ang aanihin mo” and I am proud to say that my mom has done her part in the society and I am bearing those fruits now. It is hard for us but the least we can do is to accept that mom is not with us anymore. I don’t want to think deeply that mom died already because every night or moment is a tear jerking.

I remained strong when my mom’s wake is going on until we finally said our goodbyes. They see me as mom’s carbon copy, physically and some of her mannerisms, ability and the like. Just when everybody thought that I am that strong, that I have a hard heart but what others didn’t know, I am so weak emotionally. i always have a late reaction to all the things that is happening in my life especially when it comes to emotions and my feelings. My life has been closed in the past, I refrained from sharing my emotions it’s not because that I am afraid of rejection but it is just a choice to keep it. Now, it is my choice the same to open everything in my life, I guess it’s about time to share what I have been through to lessen the pain I am feeling now.