That feeling you will never forget

Maniwala or hindi! Ang professor ko ay isang classmate ng nanay ko since 1^st year college until 4^th year sila! Tan-ena! bohahaha they are really good friends sabi nitong professor ko. Yeah, before he became my professor, I heard a lot already about him from my late mother. Almost 35 years since college day’s nila! Woo! Lahat ng sabi ng nanay ko, sinabi din ng professor ko, nyay! Sa harap pa ng buong klase! They don’t have any past, I know kasi I can read between the lines naman, so wala, wala naman akong narinig either.

I just couldn’t believe that all the things my mom did noon, inaani ko ang kabutihan niya today. This professor keeps telling everybody in the class that, yong nanay ko ang inu-utangan nila kapag wala silang pera kasi my mom is very lucky that time dahil yong tatay niya (lolo ko) eh president ng del monte Philippines before that’s why may kaya sila at ang nanay ko yata daw ang walang problema sa pera. I remember mom told me before that this professor I have now he will just eat “kamote” kasi wala pang pera na pinadala galing sa probinsya. Ngayon? Successful na siya sa profession niya, he managed almost 300 people I think in his department sa dswd. Would you believe that? At its always in my mind what my mom told me that this professor, nangongopya pa dati sa case studies nila just to submit requirements. It’s so funny kasi today everybody respects him, kinakatakotan at dekalidad na tao na si sir! Hahaha but si sir, he admitted to the class that when he was in college, yong mommy ko ang kinokopyahan nila! Tan-enas nuh!!

What happened to them way back in college, it happened the same with me today. It just so happened that I already have a job while studying again, that’s why yong mga classmates ko rin kapag gipit sila minsan, they would ask sa akin if I have spare. Anak talaga ako ng mommy ko! Hahaha I walked the same path she did!

This professor can’t stop saying good things to my mom kasi I know he is very grateful dahil sa oras ng kagipitan my mom was there for them to rescue and stayed with them sa hirap at ginhawa. I always feel that gratefulness and I am proud of what mom did to them. Tama ang sabi ni mommy that bilog ang mundo, dahil hindi all the time nasa baba ang isang tao, dahil nasa baba man siya ngayon, bukas nasa taas naman siya! ganon daw talaga ang buhay! and i stand to believe on that matter!

Pressure is in me now! Activated! Nganga ako nito!! I need to double time pa kasi kahit mom is not with us anymore, ayoko pa ring mapahiya ang mommy ko! Hahaha mataas ang expectation ng lahat tan-ena ang word na expectation! Nyay! Lels! Hahaha He is old now, almost 65 years old and about to retire that’s why he took the opportunity to teach in order to pass what he learned, no one follow his footstep kasi his daughter took the other road of success. When I told this professor, “I took up social work because I want to continue the legacy mom left us” and the only thing he said “dapat lang may susunod sa pamilya niyo!” (may slight tampo pa ang boses ni sir address to his daughters! Lels!) and if it’s possible to run fast to reach that goal, ginawa ko na! lels!

Isang araw balang araw

Nuh!! it’s a long week for me, started all my majors and still trying to fix my schedule for this semester. This is gonna be a tough semester with 6 majors and 4 minors. Goodluck to me! Lesson to keep now is how to balance my time, learn to have stress management though I’ve been watching movie series or movie as my stress management and that helps me rejuvenate.

It was Thursday when my teacher announced that we finally have a book to use for the medical social work subject (super happy kami sabay clap our hands and even we prayed to thanked that book!!! amay-ober that moment!! bohahaha) courtesy of my classmate too who happen to have an aunt in one of the government hospital in this city, who is also the head of the medical social services, we secretly grab the book for photocopy, the book is exclusive for the hospital and even before I know na bawal ipotocopy ang libro para pag-aralan dahil yon daw ang sabi ng head ng DOH ba yon. Madamot sila! Lels!!

377 pesos ang worth ng photocopy sa librong yon, makapal! Tan-ena! how will I finish to read that book, ang dami pang nakapila!! Bakit ba!! Kasalanan ko na dahil enter ng enter ako sa korsong to! Hahaha you know why I talked about this? Kasi before, the first course na kinuha ko, at hindi ako naging successful dahil sumuka na ako, maganda ang libro ko noon, hard bound, glossy, with a lot of pictures pa, sikat at mahal pero I never opened and read those books. Tamad talaga ako, since bata pa! bohahaha Ngayon dahil kulang ang resources namin, walang Filipino author na nagpaka-batman to make a book for the young social workers sa pilipinas dahil kapag social worker ka sobrang busy ka, halos wala ka ng oras sa pamilya dahil sa dedikasyon sa trabaho! Over na over! Maniwala ka! Totoo yon! isang araw balang araw wag naman sana mangyari sa akin ang ganyan ka-busy! hahaha 

Lumang libro at author ang pinagtyagaan namin, kung noon ang sarap ng libro ko, maganda tingnan, dekalidad ang mga author dahil mga foreigner, ngayon to compare it, mas binigyan ko ng importance to read books out from photocopies nalang! Hahaha napaka IRONIC to me! Because when I have good and great books, I don’t scan them, now we only have photocopies, mas nagtyaga ako! Tan-ena! hahaha I just don’t have a choice dahil sa tan-enang expectation na yan kaya kailangan laging handa!! Hahaha at kailangan maabot ko ang pangarap kong maging tulad ni d-soliman balang araw!!! Bohahaha

Libro over YOU

Libro? There are a lot of people na sobrang galing when it comes to memorizing the books, lessons, theories, principles, etc. pero pagdating sa real na buhay? Bagsak! Books are only our basis, foundation of learning, but experience is the best teacher of all. I am not intelligent but I know i can do something beyond what I read in books and what my teachers taught me in school. Minsan it's in our values also on how we treat other people, how we learn in life. my course? This represents reality, true to life stories and real sentiments of the people..

I hate reading books but I have to dahil mataas ang expectation ng ibang tao sa akin, yes, I don’t have to live up with that expectations but para na rin sa sarili ko, ayokong mapahiya! I am older, mga teenager yong mga classmates ko, I am working in the government in an agency where this course will put me. They are really expecting that alam ko kahit I know for myself na hindi lahat ng bagay ay alam ko at kaya ko.

here’s one to ponder…

a boy came home from school, he got an excellent award in English from his teacher, he told his daddy about it. This boy had a Spanish yaya named maria, the boy told his yaya na may ganitong award ka ba? And the yaya noded. The boy asked his yaya again, do you know how to speak English well? Again his yaya, noded. The boy went back to his daddy and sabi niya, I am good, I am the best and why is it maria doesn’t know how to speak in English? she is old, she must know it.

His dad went to the library with the boy…

The father grabbed a book in his shelf, he opened it and ask the boy, do you know how to read this? The boy answered, NO! sabi ng daddy niya, you know how to speak in English, maria doesn’t, but maria knows to speak in Spanish very well and you don’t. The boy was silent…

This means that hindi lahat ng bagay ay alam natin, we have our own strength but we also have our weaknesses. We may be good at some things but not for all the things. Yan ang totoo sa buhay, it’s not because you are good in science, magaling ka na gumawa ng drugs! Lels! Hahaha that boy realized it and kapag may achievement yong boy, he always remembered maria dahil hindi lahat ng bagay ay magaling tayo!

 

Sunday's best now

It’s Sunday! It’s rest day! It’s family day! i learned to value that after I realized I was hooked up with work and school. I still work on school stuff even Sundays, I can’t refuse it when in terms of school papers and exams. I am trying to adjust my entire schedule now, learning to stay at home kapag Sunday, having coffee with my sissy and tita, lunch with my father and a simple dinner too. It’s a nice a feeling, I just felt it kasi naging visible na ako sa bahay! Hahaha I cooked to feel that I belong to the family, kasi parang nasa ibang bansa kami kapag weekdays, we bought our food sa labas, everything is rush kapag may trabaho.

 When I started to go back to school a year and a half now, binago ko lahat, my views, habit, the way I think to some things, attitude, everything I learned to change it dahil for me, I cannot touch others’ lives, make difference, or help them change their views if sa sarili ko I am still the same. I am changing for good, honestly! Hahaha if dati I don’t read my books, now I learned to read more, wala akong choice! Tan-ena! if you don’t read, nga-nga! Na nga-nga! Ka sa klase! And nakakahiya kasi ako ang ate sa klase, may work na related sa course so simple lang mataas ang expectation nila! Hahaha

I just added something sa change na yan, I will learn more to keep Sunday free from work and school stuff. Sana! It’s good to be home, lying in your bed, reading, blogging, etc. and guess what, I learnt it too na kapag weekend, off ang celphone ko! Hahaha yan! Para walang istorbo! No clients, no emergencies from school and work! It’s just me, family and my home! Sarap!!!  

How will you understand them?

One of the challenges I encountered every day in my life especially in the office is yong you are talking to different people and hearing different sentiments in their life, I may say we have problems but if we look into the bigger picture, there are more na mas mabigat at mahirap ang problema if you are just sensitive enough to lend your ears.

There are a lot of cases every day, there are also common, but one thing I assure you is, they have different stories. You know, if you are a psychology graduate or studying psych, social work or even sociology you will understand most of the things that Is happening around us, we are sensitive to things, situations and even our own family situations, we are very careful to that. But to those na walang background, it doesn’t matter at all, other people in the rural to be specific, their only priority is mapakain ng tatlong beses ang pamilya nila in one day, swerte na yon if three meals na.

I met a lot of people already, mayaman at mahirap, pero isa lang ang narealize ko all this time working, pare-pareho tayo ng nararamdaman when our immediate family goes to the hospital, walang mahirap at mayaman if you have a deadly disease. The difference between the government hospital and the private, it’s too big, pero hindi lahat ng nakaprivate hospital, lahat nakakabayad, dahil sa laki ng bill, kailangan mangutang or magsangla ng property para mailabas ang kanilang pasyente. Sa government naman, maliit ang bayad, madami ka pang pweding puntahan to pay the remaining amount of the bill pero kailangan mong mag-tiis at makipagsiksikan sa hospital.

One of the most challenging cases I have handled is yong nag-lalabor, young age, teenager, may ka-live in partner at ang haharap sayo, mga magulang pa rin nila and when you ask them a question “how old are you nanay when you had your first child?!” ang sagot “kasing edad ng anak kong nanganak, mam!” history repeats itself?! tama ba ako? Oo kasi yon ang nakikita nila, yon ang naririnig nila and these children thought that it’s right, minsan ang iba they made an excuse na hiwalay ang magulang at kailangan nila ng kasama. Ikaw, pano mo isipin ang ganyang situation? Is it acceptable? Reasonable? Justifiable? Ako, depende yan, kasi there are cases naman na rape victim, nabuntis, hindi acceptable pero walang may gustong ma-rape!

May mas challenging at nakakainis sa lahat, 42 years old, gave labor to her 13^th child, kasabay ang anak niyang naglalabor din for her 1^st child, means apo na niya yon. Ngayon, kaya  mo bang intindihin ang mga taong tulad nila? Then the person na haharap sa’yo is yong tatay na parang wala lang, they don’t even think of ano ang ipapakain nila sa anak nila. They are just one of those kind of people na na-eencounter ko every day sa buhay ko, this gave me the reason to aim more, dream hard para one day, I know I can’t change the world, I can’t change everything but at least I could share something that is worth to live in this world.

This sharpens your brain!

With my allergy attack na naging super OA na, nakapag-absent ako sa work! Pffftt! While at home, I take the chance to finish watching the “suits” I so love both of them, Harvey and mike! Can’t stop, it’s addictive. I should finish the complete season 2 if weren’t for my classmates who texted me that we have a class by 4pm to 5:30 instead of 5:30-8:30. Caught in the middle! I only have 30 minutes to prepare myself, it’s 3:00 and I know I will be late.

after ritual and preparation... umalis na ako ng bahay.

Malas pa! I was waiting for a taxi pero wala! None pass infront of me!! Can you actually believe that in a city!? Ohh shaaxx!! It leaves me no choice but to ride a jeepney, in the middle of the city, there goes the traffic jam! When I realized I can’t get through with it, I stop, bumaba ako! I look for a motorcycle and shits again, no one is available to take me to school, it’s not their route, so I decided again to look for taxi, it took me 3 minutes waiting, oh thank I thought God wouldn’t answer my prayer!

I arrived 4:25 pm at the gate and I know I am sooo late with that, it’s the first day of class, my major! Shit I thought! Hahaha i ran into the lobby, up to the third floor, hiningal pa ako! When Im about to reach the classroom door, here’s the checker! (super inday as we call her, because she does a lot of things, she’s good, before you say it, she handed it to you!) for the faculty attendance, and boom! “you are super late!” I just couldn’t say something kasi hiningal pa ako! I got in, and guess what? Hindi pa nagsisimula yong clase! Nagtaxi pa ako! Hahaha Nagbayad ng 70 pesos para hindi ako malate! Sayang! Inisip ko nalang na kinain ko yong 70 pesos at hindi na ako nagdinner sa school para tipid na rin! Hahaha

Si Harvey at mike lang ang pwedi kong i-blame sa nangyari! I got hooked with episodes 1-8. I finished the 9 and 10 when I got home. Episode 9 broke me! I cried I felt it! It’s all done now, going to miss them until January of 2013. You must see it! It sharpens your brain! It did to me! Hahaha

Kung dumikit sa hita, wagas!

Atch! Na allergy! Malas! It’s in my thigh and butt! Hahaha I was with this culminating activity, pang finals ang banat, we conducted it sa beach and guess what, it rained! Sucks! Eh!? But it’s really really fun that all of us enjoyed it! We sat on the sand, crawl and played a little games. We ended almost 12 in the midnight. The next morning, I just realized there’s something itchy in my legs up to my thigh and butt. I look into it and boom! Boom! It seems a lot of insects suck it! Hahaha shit!

3 days after, it’s gone. No treatment, no ointment. Then it’s a long weekend next dahil undas na. we went to my mother’s grave, my lola and lolo and other relatives. The last thing I remember, I only sat adjacent to my mom’s grave, hindi siya tiles pero pebbles lang to be specific. That night, doing my usual routine I felt again there’s something itchy. Fuck! There goes my allergy again! And I wondered how it happened, I only sat to that pebbles then? Boom! Again?! The hell!

Ang pangit ng pwet ko! I swear to mother earth! Hahaha I can’t even look kasi parang isang mukha lang na butas-butas dahil sinumpa ang pimples! When was that? Undas? Until now, paks! Hell! Nandito pa rin! I tried all the ointment, medicine, wa epeks! Oh man! My aunt-grandmother says baka isang “buyag” (I don’t know what’s the English or tagalog with that word) dahil may natapakan akong mga puntod na hindi ako nagpapaalam, I find it too much if that is kasi until now galit pa rin sila sa akin! Hahaha

I tried all the rituals to let this remove in my thigh, bumili na ako ng ingredients na ginagamit ng mga albularyo to take all away the evil spirits, wa epeks pa rin! Hahaha i made all the research in the internet about this, it all came out na dermatitis lang, simpleng reddish, may malaki at maliit, it’s like an insect bite,  it’s common to me, I always have this since I was a child, I just wondered bakit feel na feel pa rin niya hipoin ang hita ko! Ang bastos naman ng dermatitis  nato! I need to take anti-histamine so I will have a good sleep at night! Hope not to see it the next morning dahil it’s really itchy! Hahaha

Head inside the plastic bag

Those people who knows me personally,  I know they won’t believe me if I’ll tell that i have cried over the things that is not supposed to be. I just find it funny now after what happened that night. Kahit ako I won’t believe na I can do that because it doesn’t show sa personality ko, everybody knows I am strong enough to handle everything that comes my way, pero this time I need to express what I really feel, i need to cry this para gagaan ang pakiramdam dahil super over sakal na ako and may butas na yong puso!! Bohahaha

So ito na nga…

Barkada ko.. siyam kami..

It happened na nagkaron kami ng time to gather lahat and I was teasing red kung saan na ang promise niya na “fundador” as I have requested before he went home a week before that night. Dahil wala daw siyang enough money at mahal ang fundador we end up sa “gilbeys” I don’t drink gilbeys sa totoo lang pero dahil matapang ako that night, sumugal ako plus the boy bawang pulutan!! Hahaha

I was on the hot seat, kebs lang! ayoko magsalita at first about my feelings. Usap ng usap lang hanggang nagkaron ako ng courage to drink more sa tan-ena na gilbeys na yon!! Hahaha toma! Toma! Ng toma lang! hanggang I can’t hold firmly with the glass, so that means lasing na “ata” ako that moment, dinagdagan ng red horse! nilasing nila ako ng pabiro!! Bohahaha  Pakss!! Wala na akong pakialam! Inom ng inom pa rin!! They talked and I was really crying to the max, that no one would expect I cried that hard. I was really drunk I think! Hahaha I went to sleep dahil hindi na kinaya!

Before ako natulog hindi ako sure if sumuka ba ako hahaha kebs na kaibigan ko sila and they don’t have a choice but to take care of me!! Hahahaha nakatulog ako! Ginising nila ako around 2, umupo, bumalik sa table at hilong hilo ako, sumuka ulit ako! Hahaha natulog na naman! Ginising ulit ng 4 am, medyo nahimasmasan ng slight, and again sumuka ulit ako at mind you nakapasok daw ang ulo ko sa isang plastic saan doon din yong unang nailabas kong suka!! Hahaha sobrang gross!! Yucky!! Now ko lang narealize! hahaha

After sa sukang yon, we decided to go home around 4 am. Nakatulog na ako sa bahay, nakapagpahinga, medyo gumaan na ang feeling ko.

The next day, sabi ni dona (sa bahay nila kami nag-inoman) pinuntahan daw sila ng tanod nagtanong kung ok lang ba daw at sino daw yong umiyak na parang baka!! Boohahahahahaha tawa ako ng tawa, I am not sure if she is telling me the truth or nagjojoke lang. seeing back my friends, doon na ang madaming “kanchaw” (tease) I was a crying lady, sumuka at amoy boy bawang, mga kapitbahay daw asking sino ang umiyak ang lakas daw! And slowly naramdaman ko na ang hiya!! Hahaha

Nakakahiya pero nakakatawa, and I told myself, that will be the first and last!! Hahaha

Isang huling iyak daw

After I posted my last entry, I tried to open my winamp and boom! Boom! Suddenly it’s a love song! Bohahaha one last cry ang drama ni winamp! Tan-ena! i forgot to change my playlist earlier while Im in the office. The music is trying to change my mood after being “a little angry” mood kanina. Probably this will lead to drama! Walang funny sa one last cry! Hahaha I did that, I really did that but there’s still pain inside my heart that I couldn’t explain it, I can’t even express it. I am not lonely, I am not sad, maybe I am just hurt and I accepted that feeling.

I told you, maging madamdamin na ang post nato dahil sa lintik na one last cry na yan! Bohahaha I wanted to laugh about it pero seriously if only alam niya how much I am missing the old days, the old us, killing me softly ang dating ng feeling na yan! (saksakin ang puso!!) hindi ko rin pweding tapatan ng kanta ni dingdong avanzado ba? The “why can’t it be”  because hindi nga talaga pwedi! Tatanga tanga ako kapag go ng go go ako! This emotion is just temporary, I will go through this, I still have a life and a dream to reach. Kaya ko ‘to! Hahaha kebs na!!

Medyo matagal din na hindi ako nakinig sa playlist nato, tambak! Tinago at  nilibing! Hinukay ko para malaman saan na ba ang puso ko!! Charus!! Hahaha pero ang totoo I still feel the pain! Heeeww! I am trying, I keep on telling myself na kaya ko to! I did this before, I can still do this now! maybe one day, I will lose my feelings but I always remember how great it was. Hanggang doon nalang!! Tapos ang usapan! Lels!!

Inggit ka lang

Ano kaya ang meron why I feel betrayed? I almost about to reach my dreams pero you are trying to pull me down, you are manipulating everybody, you appear to be the person na laging tama and you always believe na kaya mo ang lahat! i don’t want to attend with that emotion but sometimes you are doing something that proves na sinasadya mo! I don’t mind it but I can see it with my two eyes and hear it from my hears kung ano ang ginagawa mo. We all have our dreams and I am clean to say that I don’t have any intentions of pulling other people to make myself na maging mas mataas because I know we have our own way to cross.

I come this far and there is no way of stepping back, all I know sa sarili ko now is that bahala na, just do what you want to do to pull me down, wala akong pakialam naman. I know what I can do, I know how far I will go and  I won’t give up no matter what. It’s almost there oh! Aatras pa ba ako? I know one day, I will be better than you, mas mataas pa makukuha ko if I am going to continue what I have started. There’s no one can stop me from what I am doing, I love the life I have right now and all my efforts will be paid off one day. I trust myself more this time and I will stand for that.

I know who are true and who are not, and I believe that secretly you are trying to crash me. Ok na ok sayo if you need a favour, gusto mo ikaw ang laging kinakaawan, sa totoo lang ikaw ang kawawa, dahil isang dakilang plastic ka! Hahaha lels! Dapat sa mga taong tulad mo, nililibing! Sinasaksak! Hahaha I am just waiting for the right moment na masabi ko sayo lahat ang yan, sa panahon na kaya ko ng ipagmalaki ang pangarap ko at paninindigan ko sa buhay! It will not take long. Basta ang alam ko,  you reap what you sow. Tandaan yan!

Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

Soft inside hard outside

I tried to rationalize everything that is happening in my life. This is my way of coping up, it worked for me, oo nag-work and nagstand out ako but sometimes I could still feel the pain inside me, I just don’t want to show it, I don’t even say it because knowing myself na matapang, pinanindigan ko talaga yan! I am strong pero mas mabilis akong umiyak! Mind you! Lels!! Hahaha I don’t know why ganon, maybe it’s already inside my heart na super soft ako pero hard lang akong tingnan! Hahaha

I was hurt and I tried to fight that, I cried and that’s enough for now. I understand that if its not meant to be, then its not. There are really things in life na hindi talaga pwede, we just need to accept that, it will hurt us but this will help us to grow, to believe in second chances. Slowly I am trying to understand myself, I learn to love myself even more because if I am not this strong matagal na siguro akong bumigay, with those problems na dinaanan ko at ng pamilya ko it made me stronger, mas nagiging fighter din ako when mom died. I stood for the family no matter what, kung dati I don’t speak, I don’t say what’s in my heart, ngayon all those things na hindi ko nagawa noon, I am doing it now.

At this stage in my life, ang daming nareveal na ugali na hindi ko nakita noon, and I am seeing my mother sa mga ugali ko ngayon, maybe because I grew up seeing her always, the success sa career niya, how to handle people na may problema at kailangan maging matapang ka everytime you listen to their problems. When I studied social work, life changed and i am more appreciative this time, I kept myself on the ground, I refrain from judging people and lahat ng yon nakita ko rin sa mommy ko, that’s why after a long journey sa buhay ko, I stand to follow her profession, to believe in change and to touch the lives of the people and that change won’t be possible to others if you don’t start it within you.

Secret comfort zone

I am not ready to reveal what my real feelings towards other people, this blog site, I am keeping this for long, I kept it as a secret to my family, friends and acquaintances either, I am not afraid to be judged by them, I know who are real and not. It is just a choice not to tell them about it because I just don’t want it. I’d rather trust people who have same passion virtually than sharing these to people I know they will just talk about you. I take this as my secret comfort zone and I’d rather leave it that way.

What I have shared here is different of how they see me personally, I am stiff, I have strong personality, straight forward, I tell directly what I want and don’t, I sometimes want things to be done immediately, growing up now I have learned to value time that’s why I hate procrastination. I always insist that yes I have strong personality but not everybody  knows I am sweet, it just doesn’t show and can’t be justified the way I speak. I have a big heart, but I just want to keep it to myself.

How you act doesn’t define who you are, that’s what I have learned in life. Do what makes you happy, in every little thing you do, make sure you find contentment. Life is easy, we just make it complicated, if we learn to be contented in all the things we do, probably there will be no more confusions and we learn to value what we have. I don’t care too much now on how people think about me, I let them talk, I let them throw me a stone and I make it sure I throw them back kindness despite of how they think about me. This is me and I cannot change that, if I'll do that, I will never be me at all. Being good to other people no matter how they break you, you will still stand out, because you just proved to them that you are strong enough to face them and I learned to do that after all this time. 

Mom is just around, i know.

Since mom left us, the three of us, yesterday, I, my father and sissy went to another comfort zone. My father drives to his brother to play chess, my sister went to my mother’s only and younger sister (just back of our house) and I, left alone at home. It’s been a year and a half since mom died and I could still feel her around the house, or maybe because when she was still alive, I used to have that feeling even if I kept myself inside my room most of the time, I know she’s just outside reading or taking her cup of tea. Now, sitting on my bed inside my room, reading blogs or updating fb status, my feeling doesn’t change at all, she’s still outside sitting on her favourite chair. I can’t let go of that feeling yet, not now or maybe not ever.

While growing up, I understand why mom keep on banging us, what I am now it is because of the love and values she taught us. Most of the people will tell I have a strong personality, so as my mom, strong but we both have a soft spot in our hearts, it just doesn’t show. Just dig and you will know. It’s always true to tell about “kung ano puno ay siya ring bunga!” and my father, sissy and I take that as a joke like “walang mangga magkaroon ng bunga na bayabas!” so much of avoidance, I still follow my mom’s footstep after all this time. It’s been a long search of myself, a long journey before I came to realize that this is what I want to be in my life, to be a registered social worker just like my mom. I am happy of what I become now, the people that surround me gave me enough strength to go on with my dreams and make that dream come true.

One day, I know mom will be happy with the choice I made in my life, the road I walk into and to continue her legacy. I always know I can do more than what she did because she believes in that, she always tells me that. I grew up believing that one day, I can do better than what I just saw and heard from my mother. Whatever I did now, this is because she gave me the strength to pursue the life I deserve.

Distorted thoughts

i decided to take this blog site permanently. I may be so busy in my life but I am still hoping I can drop myself, my thoughts and emotions here. i admit that I can’t recall things easily especially that runs over the years already, or maybe there are parts of my brain that refuses to remember some things unconsciously. In life, we can’t get away from problems, our intense emotions towards yourself, to other people even and I want to take that down every moment I spend with in my life. This blog site serves to be my partner in recalling things someday.

The good thing in blogging is no one will criticize your grammar, people give you the freedom to speak, to share and express what you got in yourself, it’s limitless. I have been blogging quite some time and It gave me a thought that if only I have saved those posts my emotions I had, probably I will be looking and reading them right now and think what have I done to myself! Hahaha

Blogging is one of my comfort zone as I say, I am free to express my feelings whether I am angry, sad or happy but so far what I’ve got was being angry, hurt and frustrated oh my gosh! Hahaha people might think I am not a happy person at all, lels!! Each person has his strong and weak points, no one is perfect! Our emotions are temporary because it changes in time, it varies. Maybe for now, I am not that happy as I wanted to be but soon enough I will find my own way to happiness. Anyways, happy blogging to me!! 

Real books vs. eBooks

There are a lot of things I want to do, like reading all the best motivational books, learning photoshop more, blogging, preparing the books for my major subjects this 2^nd semester. Definitely I can’t do it all simultaneously. I only have few days to relax before classes get started. It will be a busy semester for me, I got all 6 majors and I am also preparing myself for my practicum, hopefully. I am almost there to reach my dreams.

I am a frustrated reader. When I was a child, my father always encourages me to read books because he believes that by reading, you’ll get smarter, I don’t believe that at all, because I am just too lazy reading books, before I read it, I already fall asleep. Lels. Now that I am grown up, I certainly agree to my father! Hahaha today, I am always in a hurry to read books, I have downloaded ebooks, pdf about motivational books from bo sanchez, mitch albom, Rhonda byrne etc. They are one of those popular authors in time now. I am dying to read all of them in one day but I just couldn’t, I still have problems with my habit, I really adore people who are bookworm because they won’t stop until they finish the book. Wish I have that habit.

I love to watch books on the shelves but I don’t dare to get one and read, I am comfortable with our eBooks now. I have friends who still love to buy books from the store where I think every book now can be downloaded already from the net, they say, they still love to turn on the pages, to hold every page so they will feel the excitement of reading, well, that’s their views, they are comfortable with that and I still go for ebooks. Lol

I can’t stop downloading ebooks; I want to have them all in my adobe library so it will remind me to read whenever I have a free time. Wish in time, I have a good habit in reading. =)

Another good start to blog

I already have a lot in mind but I just couldn’t start blogging because I don’t feel like making a post when I know there’s a lot to work on with the blogsite. It’s not finish yet but I think this is better than how it look before. Anyway, I hope this is another good start for me to blog, to share what I know and feel towards the given life.

I got this feeling of excitement with the new look I made in this blog site. This is something between the light and dark theme. It does obviously mean that in reality, we go through darkness so that we will know how to appreciate when there’s light. Life is simple, we just make it complicated. People think too much, over do things as well, I myself is an over thinker, I don’t know and I couldn’t give an explanation why. I over do things, that’s why sometimes I can’t meet my own expectations. I get disappointed and frustrated but I rationalized things so It won’t give me heartaches.

Just like the blog header, the first thing I did was, I created a typography design on it but I have difficulties putting in the blogsite so I shifted it to something simple. I still won’t stop until I learn how to make it right. 

Old twitter widget code

Twitter doesn't look good on their widgets now, the old one is better. I am glad I have saved the html code, I could still place it on the blog site and just modify my background, links and text through colors from photoshop. I will share this code you might still want this kind of look. I searched a lot about twitter widget and I couldn't find any html (old twitter widget), I hope this will help. 

<script charset="utf-8" src="http://widgets.twimg.com/j/2/widget.js"></script>

<script>

new TWTR.Widget({

  version: 2,

  type: 'search',

  search: 'boinkyboinkz',

  interval: 30000,

  title: 'boinx',

  subject: 'captured realities',

  width: 210,

  height: 330,

  theme: {

    shell: {

      background: '#19bddd',

      color: '#444444'

    },

    tweets: {

      background: '#6dda6d',

      color: '#92094c',

      links: '#0c343d'

    }

  },

  features: {

    scrollbar: false,

    loop: false,

    live: true,

    behavior: 'default'

  }

}).render().start();

</script>