Come back later

This blog is under construction. Will be back after first semester ends. Soon will be posting the outputs from the course. 

Stepping back

I started to believe in my dreams again to the new profession I chose to commit in life, to trust in myself once more, to regain back everything that has been lost and to set another goal to reach. There are a lot of things in the past why I failed in life, but still I am thankful for those failures because it helped me to become the person of who I am now.

There was once a dream that someday I will be an architect but I accepted the reality that yes it has been my world but it was never really my life. I am pointing it that my world spins on it but the profession never gave me life. There’s always a great pride there why I didn’t give up pushing the course even if I already have a hard time dealing with my subjects already. A pride wherein I know that there are just a few women in that field who succeeded in the profession, plus the fact that everybody knows you are good in math and can impressed people because definitely you can draw! I know I can make it but there are a lot of circumstances came in my life at that time, I couldn’t get the concentration I want, I easily get discouraged whenever I heard bad news or situations within the family, I was really lost, I admit that. I have no one to talk to about my personal problems; I don’t trust myself so how can I trust others.

I wasted my years but I did not regret because I believed that every mistake or decision that we make in our life, we are responsible to whatever it will lead us to take. I fall but I learned to get up on my own!

A lot of things in the past I didn’t do which I want it to do it now. To me, it’s not yet too late to correct mistakes, in fact I am learning on it. Sometimes I just laughed at those blunder because now I am doing the things which I didn’t do before. The motto that I have now in my life is “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” I find it so funny everytime I thought of that because I couldn’t believe that I actually do things now that I don’t do it. Given example there was whenever there is a class reporting, role play, oral quiz well expect me to be absent on that day. I was lack of self-confidence and I was afraid of standing in front of my classmates but now gaining it through time, experience and mistakes, I always make it sure that I am on the first batch, first one to do the task given.

It’s really a long journey in my life already, I may not know everything yet because I am still learning every moment I lived my life now but one thing I am thankful now is that I see the different person in me, I was not anymore the person with a lot of fears. I started to believed in what I can do for myself and to others, what I can give without expecting anything in return and social work profession has helped me opened my eyes to reality, my heart to my real emotions and my life for a completion.  

Weighing Emotions

As I went home tonight, there are a lot of things in my mind. I thought of those times when I started to learn how to accept things just the way they are.

I couldn’t forget the first two weeks in school, I burst it out, and I can’t control those emotions that I have at that time. I felt the weight in my heart because every day, it always reminds me of my mom. Everything is so fresh, the pain is still there, the wounds won’t heal, and it’s getting even deeper. I tried to give a part of myself to let it out, to somehow let my ill feelings out through a professional help from our program coordinator. I had mixed emotions because she was a very good friend of my mom; she knew almost everything what happened to my mom’s career and our life. i know that “papunta pa lang ako, pabalik na siya” The feelings I had that moment was like the first time I knew I have given a “transparent” emotion towards her, I couldn’t help myself anymore, it was really heavy, so definitely she is not a friend of my mom that moment, not even our program coordinator but a friend.

I have no one to talk about it at home, the more I shared it with my sister the more I felt that anger and hatred so I have to choose not to say anything about it or I am going to take more pain from her side. I was so silent all those years, I have seen how my mom cried day and night, every moment she remembered how her co-social workers betrayed her. Everyone thought that I was strong because I don’t let my emotions visible to everyone. I am not a talky type of a person; I am passive because to some situations that I just wanted to ignore it so I will not get hurt.

Social work has opened my eyes, my heart and emotions. If I was the person who says a few words, now i am person who wanted to share more. I tried to understand every point in my life where there is too much pain, frustration, desperation and hurt but sometimes I would end up asking still “why?” I am not questioning why God gave us this instead I am asking for a question of “why it has to go that far?”

Well, now I slowly start to pick up the broken pieces in my life. 

Personal Encounter Activity

I have a lot of thoughts running through in my mind now. I don’t even know where and how to start. But anyways, today I had a blast from our workshop on social development encounter. At first I was a bit anxious because I know where it will lead but I believed that I wasn’t able to give all myself to the workshop because definitely I did not burst out. I know there are still a lot of things in me that is need to be processed but I guess today was not enough to deal my personal thoughts and emotions. Slowly I already have this acceptance that things in the past will always be a history but there are still questions in my mind that needs an answer.

During the workshop, my thoughts are running, my emotions are puzzled.  I know that there are a lot of people out there whom have bigger problems than what I had but there is only one word I wanted to search, I wanted to find it, I wanted to reach it “justice.” I believed that entering the world of social work is one point in my life to search for those questions, to find myself even better.

Sometimes, I don’t want to hear anything from home, I don’t want to hear my sister’s heartache over those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death because it will create hatred on my part, I started to get angry again, I even wanted more to seek justice. They didn’t kill my mom literally but they get the life where my mom should have it until she grew old.

I know this is only the beginning of my journey as a social work student, I may not answer some questions now but I am hoping to find those answers along the way. I couldn’t even give a single answer to a simple question of “is there revenge deep in your heart now?” honestly, I don’t know. I may be hypocrite to answer that but all I can say is “I really don’t know because I don’t know what will happen tomorrow; I don’t know what will come in my way!” There are simple questions that stunned me somehow, I just carried it well.

I have enjoyed our activity today and I am looking forward for more activities next semester. There are a lot learning’s today and I am grateful to have along with us Mam M. , Mam Winnie and Mam Melfie. Thanks to you all!

Well, yeah I guess maybe I need help professionally. I will just take time to absorb everything.

That old man moved me

old Archive: This the moment i never forget in my life, the moment wherein i was moved by a stranger.

As what I have said in my previous post that my life’s experience is not that much but not that less. Each of us has its story to tell. Living day to day, we encountered walks of life, different situations, and different problems. I won’t say that I am matured enough in some facet of our life because some part of me I still wish I am a kid. A kid who can just play around and by not thinking of what life can bring ahead of us, what future lies within. Let’s face reality anyway! We are not getting any younger and we are looking forward for the future we want it to happen, life is not easy and we have to live by it. Here’s a personal experience from one of the client I interviewed months ago that helped me in some way to reflect.

An old man came to the office and presents the list of medicines for his wife. His wife is at the hospital, he is seeking for assistance from any agency of the government where he may able to get a few for his sick wife. I asked him how many children he has and he answered me he got only one but a disabled and was diagnosed with schizophrenia (A several psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social contact). He said he left his daughter in the neighborhood to look after since he is in the hospital busy attending his sick wife. Their family is unable to sustain the need due to family’s scant resources. Unstable income from Farming can barely make both ends meet. They cannot reap even a little help from closer relatives who are also living in hardships under the sun. Unfortunately, their town (their town is almost 2 hours from the hospital) was hit by a typhoon. He felt anxious and I wasn’t able to speak for a while, a tear fall from his eyes and said “where do I go now?” “What am I going to do?” I took a deep breathe and I thanked God I was able to answer his two questions; I was able to find a solutions where he can get the medicines and other needs for his wife. I thought that was the end, when he is about to leave the office and asked me “[mam, ikaw ba naa sa akong situation unsa akong unahon, ang akong asawa naa sa hospital or akong anak nga buang naa sa among munisipyo]” “(mam, if you were in my situation, what will I attend first, my sick wife or my disabled daughter?)” BOOM! I paused and I took a deep breathe, I was looking at him without saying any word, that moment what I had in mind is that “what if I am in his shoes, what am I going to do?” – it took a while I wasn’t able to speak up that he comes to understand that I have no answer for his question, I smiled at him, I stood up and tap his shoulder but deep inside me I feel fret. I was struck with his question. Then he finally left with “sige mam, salamat.” As he closes the door, I said to my officemates “hala!” and I think that point in time that’s the least thing I can say. 

It was designed to teach me

From my old blog 2 years ago...

When we look back on how we lived our lives, made decisions, chose paths to take and realize that we regret doing the things we’ve done, the choices we’ve made and the roads we chose to follow. There should be no room for regrets because everything in our lives happened for a reason. A purpose…all events and choices lead us to where we ought to be. Our destiny…so we have no reason at all.

Things happen because they are designed to teach you something. Every step you take, positive or not, you will find hurdles in your way, discouraging you, willing you to fail.  Sometimes you give in and do fail. And other times, you don’t. But with each passing hurdle, each fall, you are carved into a different person, just like the molten iron which must be beaten before it attains its final beauty and form. Remember that life was designed to give you that splendor of shape and sinew, and that it could never have been achieved with you making the mistakes you made and realizing them never to make them again. Regrets come in the way of your will to never make the same mistakes again and if it were for them, you would just end up getting beaten harder and harder, till the iron smith realizes you cannot be carved and throws you away for good.

Moving on will help you make yourself into something and someone that you, yourself can respect, despite the hand of fate or destiny or incidents in making you that person.

My shifting dreams

This is an archive from my old blog, one of my favorite emotions and thoughts before. I never thought that those visualizations i came through across my life's journey has became my real life and world now.

I could still remember how we used to dream together with my colleagues, how we wanted to be on the top of the mountain, you see I  dreamt to be an architect one day, I never thought that those dreams later than will just shift into some sort of who I actually desire to be and perhaps born to be. nevertheless, things take place for a reason and I’m thankful to the office where I belong now, that helped me to open my eyes in all the possibilities in life and helped me restore myself as well, it helped me to reconstruct my dream and begin to believe that I can have it. Shifting dreams is not that easy, I found my world but it was not my life then. We are born to be great, to accomplish something of worth for which you came into the world for. It has been said that life is nothing more than a search – a continuous search for a cause to live and die for, to be governed by the thought and dreams and propelled by a concealed urge to achieve.  It is unconscious, it is automatic. It is that nagging feeling tugs at you when you are alone, that there is something more. There’s always something more.

I have to open my eyes to full potential. I have to learn to treasure ourselves, know our worth, and look deep into ourselves to discover who we really are and what we came to this earth for. Only then can we be able not to fear our own greatness.

Christmas without you

Today is the last day of August and tomorrow will be the start of “BER” September, October, November and December. This means that Christmas is almost again to happen. Personally, there would be a lot of changes this year. We will celebrate Christmas without my mom.

Sometimes I don’t want to mention about my mom because it always reminds me of what life we have been, what pain we went through, I always remember how much she suffered from pain because of the people wants to see her in despair. I could always think of revenge but what will be the benefit I will have if I take an action soon, what I could get, it’s nothing!  

I am trying to reconstruct my life now; I am starting all over again. I am trying to move on and forget what we have been. Christmas won’t be the same without mom, I am sure of that. Gonna miss her chocolate cake, humba, chicken binacol, sapin-sapin, ube jam, suman, etc. all I wish that someday whatever pain I have now will be healed soon.

I am facing now the greatest challenge in my life, to prove and stand in behalf of my mom, I know I will never be like her but one thing I know, I can do something more. There are still unfinished issues in my life and I want to start it now without any hesitations. This time I am willing to face whatever failures will come my way, I guess I am now ready to face another chapter of my life with bravery.  Like what I always told myself, “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” it will never be a perfect journey but at least now I am trying to give more what I have given in the past. 

Random thoughts came

I have been busy lately so I was not able to update my personal blog. It is I think also my choice to keep myself again away from emotions and thoughts. I’ve been dealing a lot personally and I just want to escape it for a moment. I gave a thought that one day I am going to treat myself outside the city, a place where I can only see mountains, rivers and trees, I just wanted to ease the pain I felt it, I just want to run away from reality.

When I started to go back to school, I decided to leave everything behind, my old blog which has been my life, my world and a friend to me. I told myself now that I am going to take another hit this time, another world where I can jive in, I can talk with my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts and my passion. I am not good in writing, but I certainly believed that in blogging, no one will correct you; no one orders you what to write. One motto I have in blogging was “blog ko ‘to, wag kang makialam, gumawa ka ng sarili mo lol!”

It has been tough to leave the old life and start a new one, in all things. I am not sure if this time; I will find the happiness I found in my old blog, I am not also sure if this time everything will be real. I am still sure of giving my all, myself to the things I love to do, my passion in blogging. Life is different now, it may be hard but I know it’s the best way after all. 

Bearing the sweet fruits

I thought I was done making a blog.

After I made the blog earlier, I went out to find my mom’s red file box. I asked my sister about it but she just nodded so I have no choice but to look inside the master’s bedroom. It was really unusual because when I opened the door I paused for no reason and my tears again started to fell. I looked into the bed where I always see my mom lying whenever I came home late at night. Once again, I started to feel the loss. I still grieve.

Whenever I feel the loss, I always remember those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death. So much I really wanted to be strong to face life every day without bitterness, hatred and anger, still my strength is not enough to fight back, to move on. There’s no easy way to forgive when you know that you have lost everything. The only thing that we have now, with my sister and papa is the principle, dignity, wisdom, reputation and values that my mom imparted to us.

I’ve tasted the sweetest word from other people whom have appreciated my mom’s good deeds. It’s true that “kung ano ang tinanim, yon ang aanihin mo” and I am proud to say that my mom has done her part in the society and I am bearing those fruits now. It is hard for us but the least we can do is to accept that mom is not with us anymore. I don’t want to think deeply that mom died already because every night or moment is a tear jerking.

I remained strong when my mom’s wake is going on until we finally said our goodbyes. They see me as mom’s carbon copy, physically and some of her mannerisms, ability and the like. Just when everybody thought that I am that strong, that I have a hard heart but what others didn’t know, I am so weak emotionally. i always have a late reaction to all the things that is happening in my life especially when it comes to emotions and my feelings. My life has been closed in the past, I refrained from sharing my emotions it’s not because that I am afraid of rejection but it is just a choice to keep it. Now, it is my choice the same to open everything in my life, I guess it’s about time to share what I have been through to lessen the pain I am feeling now.

Leaving the old tracks

I was about to make my write up for my English class when I thought of arranging my old books first before I will sit and plan for tomorrow’s assignment. I saw my old architecture books and it reminds me of the life that I had way back there, those memories and learning’s. This is the quote I came up with when I decided to shift my world, “architecture has been my world, but it was never my life after all” – it means that once in my life, I dreamt to be an architect, to be part of the elite community, to stand proud and prove that I can make it even if I am a woman yet my fate shifted unexpectedly.

I dropped that dream, it was a profound and major decision but I stood despite of the hurtful words came from other people. Later on, I have gradually gained my confidence again and eventually I learned to accept that there are things even how much you want it, you can’t have it. I started to work in the social services and there, I have found my life. I felt the contentment whenever I knew I have helped people who are in need. If I was happy with my old world or my old life, I am happier when I started to feel the fulfillment in serving our less fortunate brothers and sisters.

Moreover, when I was done arranging those books, finally I’ve told myself that it’s about time and I am ready to let go what I have had in the past, I am now willing to give or re-sell those books in a half or one-fourth of the original price, this is the time I could finally say that everything is over and I am happy with the new environment and the life where my world is spinning now, I am glad to take part to the social work program of Lourdes College. 

ECCD assignment caused my emotions

I paused for a while doing my “late” assignment for my elective-eccd subject as I have recalled the memories mom and dad created for me. It was a happy childhood, a perfect and healthy family. It’s too early mom left us, it’s not easy especially now that mom always wanted me take a big part to be in her profession which whatever achievements, frustrations, desperation, and happiness I have now she will never hear it, see it or appreciate it personally.

I have no choice but to stand in behalf of my mom, I am the eldest and I need to carry myself more than how my mom carried us through. I thought I am strong enough to carry all the pain in my heart but I am too weak everytime I remember the good deeds mom did to others that despite of being seriously committed to her profession, some people would destroy you because of positions they wanted to have it, insecurity could kill the person’s value and dignity. I am not yet over with them! That’s the honest answer I know now from my heart.

I still grieve and others may not see it or feel it but deep inside me I always think that mom is just around but when I think profoundly, I know she is not with us anymore. I sometimes caught myself to have mom’s ways of delivering wisdom, to have mom’s gestures and points of view in life. Physically I am my mom’s “carbon copy” we both have strong personality but people who really knew us inside and out they knew we were weak inside.

I am thankful enough that even how hard in my part emotionally to take up social work, there is already an acceptance of mistakes which I did in the past that surely I will never repeat the same mistakes again. I was just too weak to face the reality and my coping mechanism was too slow that I called it now as “I was been dysfunctional once.” with what I went through, it helped me now motivate, set my goals and I am getting my strength out of that mistakes.

I slowly understand why there are things in our life happened the way we don’t want it however, it helped us to be strong along the way and I already believed on “things always happens for a reason” we may not know the reason now but later of course we will find it out.

This is another battle of my life, another chapter to tackle with and I know whatever I have now is a big preparation of what I will be or what I will become in the future. 

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.

It was late at night already, I planned to review and read my notes again for tomorrow’s prelim exam for economics and I just thought for a while to scan some files on my desktop where I have found the old pictures of one foundation where my mom was a part of implementing that institution. I have believed that she imparted her professional commitment, values and time to those neglected kids even how busy she was. Probably, those kids now, they are all grown-ups, they may have been owned a family, maybe.

I feel a little pressure in my life now because I know mom has given her vow to her profession though I know she’s not with us anymore but there are people still who believed that there would be someone in the family that will continue her legacy despite of the circumstances mom went through in her profession. They would always think of revenge but I don’t!  I am just bitter, yes.

I started to feel the anger, the hatred when I slowly take up the profession, when I have the chance to know the ethics of social work; it’s even getting harder every day. We’ve carried the pain for almost 15 years in my life! Memories reminded me what my mom was, subordinate and contemporaries of my mom helped me to trounce the pain but it’s not still enough I think. I know time heals but why can’t I feel that.

This is the moment of my life where I juggle to face the reality and acceptance. I kept myself all these years not to speak anything about the feelings that I had in the past but honestly I wanted to help myself to move on, to recover from that pain, disparity in life. I am in the process of knowing myself even better, I have forgiven those people whom have hurt my mom but the only thing that I asked God, I hope one day I will have the chance to talk to them when I am ready, when my heart says it’s about time. I wanted to voice out the pain that I have as a daughter that I hope their children will not encounter the pain I felt for the last 15 years.

"bitter" OFF

I decided to create another blog so I can move on to another chapter of my life. I’ve had enough for the pain, frustrations, desperation in the old blog and I know it will be hard for me to face another battle of my life where my mom is not around anymore. I tried to be strong, I tried everything I could, I remained to be strong even if I am losing my strength because I know one day I am going to overcome all of these. 

This will be a new start of my life, in every end there’s always a better beginning. Despite of everything, I am enjoying my new world, my new life. I feel my worth, I am happy even if I am empty inside. There’s still a part me now I wanted to be settled yet I don’t know when will be the right time for that, I don’t even know when my heart is ready to say that “it’s okay” because I know for now, it is not really okay! 

I don’t want to reach the end that I am still bitter, that I am still in pain, that the only I have in my heart is revenge! I tried all the means and way to ease the pain, to somehow forget the pain, I have prayed hard that God will heal me every day, that I may not hear anything about them, that I may not see them for now because I honestly admit it that I am in the height of my anger. They can’t give back the life of my mom, not even millions of dollars will help relieve me. 

Well, I hope their daughters will never experience more than a thousand of pain we went through! We will never understand one person’s situation until we will go through the same as theirs.

Life has to start again

In those distress times of my life, I turn into blogging. I kept myself in silence, I pretend that everything is okay; I certainly believed that one day things will fall into its proper place. Blog has been a friend of mine for the last 3 to 4 years; there are sensitive issues in the past, family, personal, relationships, job and the like. I decided to re-arrange back my blog, dropped those pity issues and life has to start again as I go back to school and accept all the things that’s happening to me.

This is the turning point of my life where I am going to face it without my mom’s guidance this time. There are a lot of stories to tell, wisdom to share and experiences to be learned. As I will start my life being a student tomorrow, I know this will be the beginning of what I really wanted to be, what I should have been and the only thing that I know now is that I will never repeat the same mistakes again; I will do more in everything that I will do.

There are just a lot of reasons why things happen this way, I may not know why now but maybe later, I hope. There are still things I don’t understand, there are still situations I can’t accept, I tried to be strong in all the circumstances that comes my way but my strength is not enough still.

I am excited for the first day of class; the class that I know will hurt me at the same time because it will always remind me of my mom. Her memories will forever remain in my heart, her wisdom, her commitment to her profession where I know I will have it the same in the future.