I paused for a while doing my “late” assignment for my elective-eccd subject as I have recalled the memories mom and dad created for me. It was a happy childhood, a perfect and healthy family. It’s too early mom left us, it’s not easy especially now that mom always wanted me take a big part to be in her profession which whatever achievements, frustrations, desperation, and happiness I have now she will never hear it, see it or appreciate it personally.
I have no choice but to stand in behalf of my mom, I am the eldest and I need to carry myself more than how my mom carried us through. I thought I am strong enough to carry all the pain in my heart but I am too weak everytime I remember the good deeds mom did to others that despite of being seriously committed to her profession, some people would destroy you because of positions they wanted to have it, insecurity could kill the person’s value and dignity. I am not yet over with them! That’s the honest answer I know now from my heart.
I still grieve and others may not see it or feel it but deep inside me I always think that mom is just around but when I think profoundly, I know she is not with us anymore. I sometimes caught myself to have mom’s ways of delivering wisdom, to have mom’s gestures and points of view in life. Physically I am my mom’s “carbon copy” we both have strong personality but people who really knew us inside and out they knew we were weak inside.
I am thankful enough that even how hard in my part emotionally to take up social work, there is already an acceptance of mistakes which I did in the past that surely I will never repeat the same mistakes again. I was just too weak to face the reality and my coping mechanism was too slow that I called it now as “I was been dysfunctional once.” with what I went through, it helped me now motivate, set my goals and I am getting my strength out of that mistakes.
I slowly understand why there are things in our life happened the way we don’t want it however, it helped us to be strong along the way and I already believed on “things always happens for a reason” we may not know the reason now but later of course we will find it out.
This is another battle of my life, another chapter to tackle with and I know whatever I have now is a big preparation of what I will be or what I will become in the future.