Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Bearing the sweet fruits

I thought I was done making a blog.

After I made the blog earlier, I went out to find my mom’s red file box. I asked my sister about it but she just nodded so I have no choice but to look inside the master’s bedroom. It was really unusual because when I opened the door I paused for no reason and my tears again started to fell. I looked into the bed where I always see my mom lying whenever I came home late at night. Once again, I started to feel the loss. I still grieve.

Whenever I feel the loss, I always remember those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death. So much I really wanted to be strong to face life every day without bitterness, hatred and anger, still my strength is not enough to fight back, to move on. There’s no easy way to forgive when you know that you have lost everything. The only thing that we have now, with my sister and papa is the principle, dignity, wisdom, reputation and values that my mom imparted to us.

I’ve tasted the sweetest word from other people whom have appreciated my mom’s good deeds. It’s true that “kung ano ang tinanim, yon ang aanihin mo” and I am proud to say that my mom has done her part in the society and I am bearing those fruits now. It is hard for us but the least we can do is to accept that mom is not with us anymore. I don’t want to think deeply that mom died already because every night or moment is a tear jerking.

I remained strong when my mom’s wake is going on until we finally said our goodbyes. They see me as mom’s carbon copy, physically and some of her mannerisms, ability and the like. Just when everybody thought that I am that strong, that I have a hard heart but what others didn’t know, I am so weak emotionally. i always have a late reaction to all the things that is happening in my life especially when it comes to emotions and my feelings. My life has been closed in the past, I refrained from sharing my emotions it’s not because that I am afraid of rejection but it is just a choice to keep it. Now, it is my choice the same to open everything in my life, I guess it’s about time to share what I have been through to lessen the pain I am feeling now.

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