Bearing the sweet fruits

I thought I was done making a blog.

After I made the blog earlier, I went out to find my mom’s red file box. I asked my sister about it but she just nodded so I have no choice but to look inside the master’s bedroom. It was really unusual because when I opened the door I paused for no reason and my tears again started to fell. I looked into the bed where I always see my mom lying whenever I came home late at night. Once again, I started to feel the loss. I still grieve.

Whenever I feel the loss, I always remember those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death. So much I really wanted to be strong to face life every day without bitterness, hatred and anger, still my strength is not enough to fight back, to move on. There’s no easy way to forgive when you know that you have lost everything. The only thing that we have now, with my sister and papa is the principle, dignity, wisdom, reputation and values that my mom imparted to us.

I’ve tasted the sweetest word from other people whom have appreciated my mom’s good deeds. It’s true that “kung ano ang tinanim, yon ang aanihin mo” and I am proud to say that my mom has done her part in the society and I am bearing those fruits now. It is hard for us but the least we can do is to accept that mom is not with us anymore. I don’t want to think deeply that mom died already because every night or moment is a tear jerking.

I remained strong when my mom’s wake is going on until we finally said our goodbyes. They see me as mom’s carbon copy, physically and some of her mannerisms, ability and the like. Just when everybody thought that I am that strong, that I have a hard heart but what others didn’t know, I am so weak emotionally. i always have a late reaction to all the things that is happening in my life especially when it comes to emotions and my feelings. My life has been closed in the past, I refrained from sharing my emotions it’s not because that I am afraid of rejection but it is just a choice to keep it. Now, it is my choice the same to open everything in my life, I guess it’s about time to share what I have been through to lessen the pain I am feeling now.

Leaving the old tracks

I was about to make my write up for my English class when I thought of arranging my old books first before I will sit and plan for tomorrow’s assignment. I saw my old architecture books and it reminds me of the life that I had way back there, those memories and learning’s. This is the quote I came up with when I decided to shift my world, “architecture has been my world, but it was never my life after all” – it means that once in my life, I dreamt to be an architect, to be part of the elite community, to stand proud and prove that I can make it even if I am a woman yet my fate shifted unexpectedly.

I dropped that dream, it was a profound and major decision but I stood despite of the hurtful words came from other people. Later on, I have gradually gained my confidence again and eventually I learned to accept that there are things even how much you want it, you can’t have it. I started to work in the social services and there, I have found my life. I felt the contentment whenever I knew I have helped people who are in need. If I was happy with my old world or my old life, I am happier when I started to feel the fulfillment in serving our less fortunate brothers and sisters.

Moreover, when I was done arranging those books, finally I’ve told myself that it’s about time and I am ready to let go what I have had in the past, I am now willing to give or re-sell those books in a half or one-fourth of the original price, this is the time I could finally say that everything is over and I am happy with the new environment and the life where my world is spinning now, I am glad to take part to the social work program of Lourdes College. 

ECCD assignment caused my emotions

I paused for a while doing my “late” assignment for my elective-eccd subject as I have recalled the memories mom and dad created for me. It was a happy childhood, a perfect and healthy family. It’s too early mom left us, it’s not easy especially now that mom always wanted me take a big part to be in her profession which whatever achievements, frustrations, desperation, and happiness I have now she will never hear it, see it or appreciate it personally.

I have no choice but to stand in behalf of my mom, I am the eldest and I need to carry myself more than how my mom carried us through. I thought I am strong enough to carry all the pain in my heart but I am too weak everytime I remember the good deeds mom did to others that despite of being seriously committed to her profession, some people would destroy you because of positions they wanted to have it, insecurity could kill the person’s value and dignity. I am not yet over with them! That’s the honest answer I know now from my heart.

I still grieve and others may not see it or feel it but deep inside me I always think that mom is just around but when I think profoundly, I know she is not with us anymore. I sometimes caught myself to have mom’s ways of delivering wisdom, to have mom’s gestures and points of view in life. Physically I am my mom’s “carbon copy” we both have strong personality but people who really knew us inside and out they knew we were weak inside.

I am thankful enough that even how hard in my part emotionally to take up social work, there is already an acceptance of mistakes which I did in the past that surely I will never repeat the same mistakes again. I was just too weak to face the reality and my coping mechanism was too slow that I called it now as “I was been dysfunctional once.” with what I went through, it helped me now motivate, set my goals and I am getting my strength out of that mistakes.

I slowly understand why there are things in our life happened the way we don’t want it however, it helped us to be strong along the way and I already believed on “things always happens for a reason” we may not know the reason now but later of course we will find it out.

This is another battle of my life, another chapter to tackle with and I know whatever I have now is a big preparation of what I will be or what I will become in the future. 

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.

It was late at night already, I planned to review and read my notes again for tomorrow’s prelim exam for economics and I just thought for a while to scan some files on my desktop where I have found the old pictures of one foundation where my mom was a part of implementing that institution. I have believed that she imparted her professional commitment, values and time to those neglected kids even how busy she was. Probably, those kids now, they are all grown-ups, they may have been owned a family, maybe.

I feel a little pressure in my life now because I know mom has given her vow to her profession though I know she’s not with us anymore but there are people still who believed that there would be someone in the family that will continue her legacy despite of the circumstances mom went through in her profession. They would always think of revenge but I don’t!  I am just bitter, yes.

I started to feel the anger, the hatred when I slowly take up the profession, when I have the chance to know the ethics of social work; it’s even getting harder every day. We’ve carried the pain for almost 15 years in my life! Memories reminded me what my mom was, subordinate and contemporaries of my mom helped me to trounce the pain but it’s not still enough I think. I know time heals but why can’t I feel that.

This is the moment of my life where I juggle to face the reality and acceptance. I kept myself all these years not to speak anything about the feelings that I had in the past but honestly I wanted to help myself to move on, to recover from that pain, disparity in life. I am in the process of knowing myself even better, I have forgiven those people whom have hurt my mom but the only thing that I asked God, I hope one day I will have the chance to talk to them when I am ready, when my heart says it’s about time. I wanted to voice out the pain that I have as a daughter that I hope their children will not encounter the pain I felt for the last 15 years.