Kung dumikit sa hita, wagas!

Atch! Na allergy! Malas! It’s in my thigh and butt! Hahaha I was with this culminating activity, pang finals ang banat, we conducted it sa beach and guess what, it rained! Sucks! Eh!? But it’s really really fun that all of us enjoyed it! We sat on the sand, crawl and played a little games. We ended almost 12 in the midnight. The next morning, I just realized there’s something itchy in my legs up to my thigh and butt. I look into it and boom! Boom! It seems a lot of insects suck it! Hahaha shit!

3 days after, it’s gone. No treatment, no ointment. Then it’s a long weekend next dahil undas na. we went to my mother’s grave, my lola and lolo and other relatives. The last thing I remember, I only sat adjacent to my mom’s grave, hindi siya tiles pero pebbles lang to be specific. That night, doing my usual routine I felt again there’s something itchy. Fuck! There goes my allergy again! And I wondered how it happened, I only sat to that pebbles then? Boom! Again?! The hell!

Ang pangit ng pwet ko! I swear to mother earth! Hahaha I can’t even look kasi parang isang mukha lang na butas-butas dahil sinumpa ang pimples! When was that? Undas? Until now, paks! Hell! Nandito pa rin! I tried all the ointment, medicine, wa epeks! Oh man! My aunt-grandmother says baka isang “buyag” (I don’t know what’s the English or tagalog with that word) dahil may natapakan akong mga puntod na hindi ako nagpapaalam, I find it too much if that is kasi until now galit pa rin sila sa akin! Hahaha

I tried all the rituals to let this remove in my thigh, bumili na ako ng ingredients na ginagamit ng mga albularyo to take all away the evil spirits, wa epeks pa rin! Hahaha i made all the research in the internet about this, it all came out na dermatitis lang, simpleng reddish, may malaki at maliit, it’s like an insect bite,  it’s common to me, I always have this since I was a child, I just wondered bakit feel na feel pa rin niya hipoin ang hita ko! Ang bastos naman ng dermatitis  nato! I need to take anti-histamine so I will have a good sleep at night! Hope not to see it the next morning dahil it’s really itchy! Hahaha

Head inside the plastic bag

Those people who knows me personally,  I know they won’t believe me if I’ll tell that i have cried over the things that is not supposed to be. I just find it funny now after what happened that night. Kahit ako I won’t believe na I can do that because it doesn’t show sa personality ko, everybody knows I am strong enough to handle everything that comes my way, pero this time I need to express what I really feel, i need to cry this para gagaan ang pakiramdam dahil super over sakal na ako and may butas na yong puso!! Bohahaha

So ito na nga…

Barkada ko.. siyam kami..

It happened na nagkaron kami ng time to gather lahat and I was teasing red kung saan na ang promise niya na “fundador” as I have requested before he went home a week before that night. Dahil wala daw siyang enough money at mahal ang fundador we end up sa “gilbeys” I don’t drink gilbeys sa totoo lang pero dahil matapang ako that night, sumugal ako plus the boy bawang pulutan!! Hahaha

I was on the hot seat, kebs lang! ayoko magsalita at first about my feelings. Usap ng usap lang hanggang nagkaron ako ng courage to drink more sa tan-ena na gilbeys na yon!! Hahaha toma! Toma! Ng toma lang! hanggang I can’t hold firmly with the glass, so that means lasing na “ata” ako that moment, dinagdagan ng red horse! nilasing nila ako ng pabiro!! Bohahaha  Pakss!! Wala na akong pakialam! Inom ng inom pa rin!! They talked and I was really crying to the max, that no one would expect I cried that hard. I was really drunk I think! Hahaha I went to sleep dahil hindi na kinaya!

Before ako natulog hindi ako sure if sumuka ba ako hahaha kebs na kaibigan ko sila and they don’t have a choice but to take care of me!! Hahahaha nakatulog ako! Ginising nila ako around 2, umupo, bumalik sa table at hilong hilo ako, sumuka ulit ako! Hahaha natulog na naman! Ginising ulit ng 4 am, medyo nahimasmasan ng slight, and again sumuka ulit ako at mind you nakapasok daw ang ulo ko sa isang plastic saan doon din yong unang nailabas kong suka!! Hahaha sobrang gross!! Yucky!! Now ko lang narealize! hahaha

After sa sukang yon, we decided to go home around 4 am. Nakatulog na ako sa bahay, nakapagpahinga, medyo gumaan na ang feeling ko.

The next day, sabi ni dona (sa bahay nila kami nag-inoman) pinuntahan daw sila ng tanod nagtanong kung ok lang ba daw at sino daw yong umiyak na parang baka!! Boohahahahahaha tawa ako ng tawa, I am not sure if she is telling me the truth or nagjojoke lang. seeing back my friends, doon na ang madaming “kanchaw” (tease) I was a crying lady, sumuka at amoy boy bawang, mga kapitbahay daw asking sino ang umiyak ang lakas daw! And slowly naramdaman ko na ang hiya!! Hahaha

Nakakahiya pero nakakatawa, and I told myself, that will be the first and last!! Hahaha

Isang huling iyak daw

After I posted my last entry, I tried to open my winamp and boom! Boom! Suddenly it’s a love song! Bohahaha one last cry ang drama ni winamp! Tan-ena! i forgot to change my playlist earlier while Im in the office. The music is trying to change my mood after being “a little angry” mood kanina. Probably this will lead to drama! Walang funny sa one last cry! Hahaha I did that, I really did that but there’s still pain inside my heart that I couldn’t explain it, I can’t even express it. I am not lonely, I am not sad, maybe I am just hurt and I accepted that feeling.

I told you, maging madamdamin na ang post nato dahil sa lintik na one last cry na yan! Bohahaha I wanted to laugh about it pero seriously if only alam niya how much I am missing the old days, the old us, killing me softly ang dating ng feeling na yan! (saksakin ang puso!!) hindi ko rin pweding tapatan ng kanta ni dingdong avanzado ba? The “why can’t it be”  because hindi nga talaga pwedi! Tatanga tanga ako kapag go ng go go ako! This emotion is just temporary, I will go through this, I still have a life and a dream to reach. Kaya ko ‘to! Hahaha kebs na!!

Medyo matagal din na hindi ako nakinig sa playlist nato, tambak! Tinago at  nilibing! Hinukay ko para malaman saan na ba ang puso ko!! Charus!! Hahaha pero ang totoo I still feel the pain! Heeeww! I am trying, I keep on telling myself na kaya ko to! I did this before, I can still do this now! maybe one day, I will lose my feelings but I always remember how great it was. Hanggang doon nalang!! Tapos ang usapan! Lels!!

Inggit ka lang

Ano kaya ang meron why I feel betrayed? I almost about to reach my dreams pero you are trying to pull me down, you are manipulating everybody, you appear to be the person na laging tama and you always believe na kaya mo ang lahat! i don’t want to attend with that emotion but sometimes you are doing something that proves na sinasadya mo! I don’t mind it but I can see it with my two eyes and hear it from my hears kung ano ang ginagawa mo. We all have our dreams and I am clean to say that I don’t have any intentions of pulling other people to make myself na maging mas mataas because I know we have our own way to cross.

I come this far and there is no way of stepping back, all I know sa sarili ko now is that bahala na, just do what you want to do to pull me down, wala akong pakialam naman. I know what I can do, I know how far I will go and  I won’t give up no matter what. It’s almost there oh! Aatras pa ba ako? I know one day, I will be better than you, mas mataas pa makukuha ko if I am going to continue what I have started. There’s no one can stop me from what I am doing, I love the life I have right now and all my efforts will be paid off one day. I trust myself more this time and I will stand for that.

I know who are true and who are not, and I believe that secretly you are trying to crash me. Ok na ok sayo if you need a favour, gusto mo ikaw ang laging kinakaawan, sa totoo lang ikaw ang kawawa, dahil isang dakilang plastic ka! Hahaha lels! Dapat sa mga taong tulad mo, nililibing! Sinasaksak! Hahaha I am just waiting for the right moment na masabi ko sayo lahat ang yan, sa panahon na kaya ko ng ipagmalaki ang pangarap ko at paninindigan ko sa buhay! It will not take long. Basta ang alam ko,  you reap what you sow. Tandaan yan!

Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

Soft inside hard outside

I tried to rationalize everything that is happening in my life. This is my way of coping up, it worked for me, oo nag-work and nagstand out ako but sometimes I could still feel the pain inside me, I just don’t want to show it, I don’t even say it because knowing myself na matapang, pinanindigan ko talaga yan! I am strong pero mas mabilis akong umiyak! Mind you! Lels!! Hahaha I don’t know why ganon, maybe it’s already inside my heart na super soft ako pero hard lang akong tingnan! Hahaha

I was hurt and I tried to fight that, I cried and that’s enough for now. I understand that if its not meant to be, then its not. There are really things in life na hindi talaga pwede, we just need to accept that, it will hurt us but this will help us to grow, to believe in second chances. Slowly I am trying to understand myself, I learn to love myself even more because if I am not this strong matagal na siguro akong bumigay, with those problems na dinaanan ko at ng pamilya ko it made me stronger, mas nagiging fighter din ako when mom died. I stood for the family no matter what, kung dati I don’t speak, I don’t say what’s in my heart, ngayon all those things na hindi ko nagawa noon, I am doing it now.

At this stage in my life, ang daming nareveal na ugali na hindi ko nakita noon, and I am seeing my mother sa mga ugali ko ngayon, maybe because I grew up seeing her always, the success sa career niya, how to handle people na may problema at kailangan maging matapang ka everytime you listen to their problems. When I studied social work, life changed and i am more appreciative this time, I kept myself on the ground, I refrain from judging people and lahat ng yon nakita ko rin sa mommy ko, that’s why after a long journey sa buhay ko, I stand to follow her profession, to believe in change and to touch the lives of the people and that change won’t be possible to others if you don’t start it within you.

Secret comfort zone

I am not ready to reveal what my real feelings towards other people, this blog site, I am keeping this for long, I kept it as a secret to my family, friends and acquaintances either, I am not afraid to be judged by them, I know who are real and not. It is just a choice not to tell them about it because I just don’t want it. I’d rather trust people who have same passion virtually than sharing these to people I know they will just talk about you. I take this as my secret comfort zone and I’d rather leave it that way.

What I have shared here is different of how they see me personally, I am stiff, I have strong personality, straight forward, I tell directly what I want and don’t, I sometimes want things to be done immediately, growing up now I have learned to value time that’s why I hate procrastination. I always insist that yes I have strong personality but not everybody  knows I am sweet, it just doesn’t show and can’t be justified the way I speak. I have a big heart, but I just want to keep it to myself.

How you act doesn’t define who you are, that’s what I have learned in life. Do what makes you happy, in every little thing you do, make sure you find contentment. Life is easy, we just make it complicated, if we learn to be contented in all the things we do, probably there will be no more confusions and we learn to value what we have. I don’t care too much now on how people think about me, I let them talk, I let them throw me a stone and I make it sure I throw them back kindness despite of how they think about me. This is me and I cannot change that, if I'll do that, I will never be me at all. Being good to other people no matter how they break you, you will still stand out, because you just proved to them that you are strong enough to face them and I learned to do that after all this time.