Beauty & Madness

Kailangan iplay tong kanta habang nagbabasa 

para mas ramdam ang blog entry! hahaha chos! 

Last night I couldn’t sleep and it’s 3 am in the morning approximately. I browse my computer files and one folder gave me so much confusion so I opened it, to my surprise, halos lumabas yong mata ko – im thinking at that moment “the fuck! Na-save ko ito?!” then the next thing happened was ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko, sumasakit ang tiyan ko, that’s the feeling na ayaw ko ng maramdaman chos! So, I read the files.

It was an email and some blog entry. Right now, how long it has been already? This is one of those I haven’t talked it about for years, I kept it. So like because I saw it, now I felt like it’s about time for me to talk about him. Maybe. He is one of us. Yes. I remember my jokes to some blogger friends na “uy! Masarap kaya na blogger yong bf mo!” deep inside of me, super yes but I just couldn’t say it, I don’t know, I tried to but I just don’t have enough guts to say it.

Two of us lasted for almost a year & it was all worth it. Why? We spent our days as if it’s our last. Distance was never an issue, hello technology it is. Until the day he came through that door of an airport. I was stunned & I couldn’t hold my breath & I got so afraid. That kind of fear I couldn’t explain, I just don’t know where to put all those feelings. I had a dream to reach at that time; my thoughts are running so fast, I couldn’t grasp it for a second either.  He simply hugged me like he is just hugging a big panda or a bear, we’ve been so best of friends, partners in all kinds but I broke down. I ran away from him for almost an hour, I came back where I left him and told him “parang I can’t go on! I don’t know, I couldn’t think, baka sobrang na-stunned ako, happy or I don’t know!” we talked and talked na parang walang mapupuntahan kasi that moment, sobrang na-block yong utak ko, na-blanko din ako, everything was so different coz nakikita ko siya, I can even hold him, different from what we used to have. With all his galit, dahil sa sobrang gulo ng utak ko, the following day, he decided to leave.

I thought that was an end of us. Again, we tried but I could still feel his pain through his blog entries. I know he was hurt that I couldn’t decide coz all he thought I am brave enough to stand and fight for what we had. I failed him. Days passed, when we had our fights, it’s painful already because may mura na, sisihan, kwentahan, sobrang abusive na at hindi ko na kinaya. I was studying & I tried to hold everything I could at that time, it was tough, a super hell ride. I kept it all by myself, all alone, I journeyed it. It was a failure of me that’s why hindi ko sinasabi.

One day, an old blogger friend asked me “are you still two okay?!” and I told him, I don’t know, why did you asked. He simply told me, I think you better check his blog & fb account. So I did. I found out that, he is busy preparing for their wedding sa babaeng nabuntis niya and his old friend. I paused & said to myself “ayy ganon?!” sa kagagahan ko I message him and said “congrats, finally, yong inasam asam mo!” I thought he will just say thank you pero epic failed dahil madaming mura ang inabot ko, sisi, sumabog ulit siya sa galit. So like ako, ok. I went offline for long.

I focused myself sa school, family & friends. I kept myself so busy na halos paguuwi ako biglang matutulog sa pagod. I have been happy with my friends that time too so kering keri. Until I received an email from him, telling everything behind sa pagpapakasal niya, sa buhay niya, sa galit niya. I didn’t have the courage to reply anymore or to say something (bumalik ang long time loved one at this time chos!) dahil I don’t want to feel na ginagago ko ang sarili ko or itong isang tao na bumalik, never na akong nagcare to reply pa. Yong ending din naman that year, double dead ako!

I know he’s just around in this corner sa blog na ito. If you able to read this, I just wanted to say sorry for all the pain I have caused you, for the promises I made and for the time and your dream to be wasted. The love I had for you was real & true. I never cheated you either like you always assume & claim it. Defense mo na kasi yon dahil alam mo na sa sarili mo na you are just pushing me away dahil you already had a new commitment. Years passed already & like you said “if it’s meant to be, kahit saan pa at ano pa, mangyayari!” I always remember that. I never replied to your email because I have no more reason to do that, this time, I held everything, as much as I could share everything I had inside, pinigilan ko na. You’ve made me a better person as well as I valued myself even more. Yes, I felt so betrayed but even so, I learned to trust. Whatever it is, I am happy for you & I am sincere with that. Thank you for everything, it was worth it, walang nasayang, coz we journeyed our life together.

 

Rub that alcohol more

Under the influence of rubbing alcohol. Lol

Weeee. Woot. I think I am going to burst this out personally or might as well just slip it over a couple of glasses. You know what I mean, I am very good & confident in telling the truth but I just couldn’t say it right to your face. There are hundreds of thoughts exchanged, thousands of word expressed but the truth about you & me, I just find it so hard to tell, so complicated even.

When I let you go that moment, I know that was the best thing I could do. I am following my dreams as you also did. It’s been years I think. I almost forgot what we were, what we had. Life just change so fast. I can’t even remember the last time I said I am going to wait. I am not the same anymore, I am not the person you used to know. I am happy of what I have become, this is not about you after all, I became who I am today because this is what & where I want to be. I forgot the feeling of being cared & loved by someone, or maybe I just ignored that anyway.

Wtf! I wanted to finally divulge this blogsite, for you to know what I’ve been in my life, do you really care? Coz now, I don’t anymore. A few rounds of glasses, this made me stupid, thinking & deciding probably. I am on my way now of starting a new path, my head is telling me that I want you to ride & take a journey together but this amazes me because you know what, my heart doesn’t want to anymore, I swear! I can’t find you in there & I am very happy of this discovery. This is I think – FAIR enough though.

I just love what I have right now & whom I am with – my family & friends, that is. This is the first & last time I am going to share what I had with you in the past. I just couldn’t do it anymore. The fuck it is! Lol but that’s the truth. I can’t deal it. I can’t fight it. My heart belongs to someone I think – that! I never meet it, yet or I may be I met him already but isn’t yet our time. This is the only thing I knew, you’ve seen my worst & supposedly you deserve my best but I just couldn’t afford it anymore to share what I’ve got now & what I think the best I could give. I just simply don’t find you anywhere anymore. I can finally say this, I am closing a chapter of my life where you were there. Thank you, that’s all I can say.

P.S.

Christmas beers are not advisable! Lol

Makikigulo sa SONA

Una sa lahat gusto kong makigulo sa SONA ni Pnoy! Chos! Hahaha (sway to the left and to the right sabay kaway kaway talon at biglaanngg splleetts)

Lahat ng tao may pagkukulang, walang perpekto, siguro naman sa lahat ng taong “nakakaintindi” ginawa naman ni Pnoy ang best niya para sa Pilipinas. Bawat presidente natin sa Pilipinas, isa lang masabi ko PAKSHET sa lahat ng raliyista na yan na wala na sa lugar, lahat may comment, lahat may reklamo, lahat mali ang nakikita nila sa presidente, PWES! One this then there is, be the president of the Philippines! Parang sila nalang lagi tama! Eh di magpresidente kayo yon lang yon! hahahaha

Sa trabaho ko sa field noon at ngayon, isa lang ang realization ko, yes oo aaminin ko yang madaming mali sa gobyerno, totoo may mga corrupt sa gobyerno talaga lalo na kapag nasa position ka pero hindi nagpapabaya ang gobyerno sa mga programa para sa mga mahihirap! Totoo yan. Ang mahirap?! Yong mga mahihirap sinisisi ang president dahil sa kahirapan, naman! Ito ang katotohanan diyan, MENTALIDAD!!! Oo MENTALITY ng mga taong yan! Nasa isip nila na mahirap sila kaya hanggang don nalang sila. HINDI! HINDI! Hahaha kasi lahat may paraan kapag gusto, lahat may magagawa kapag determinado!

Hindi ko naman masabi na maka-Pnoy ako, pero ang gulo gulo ng maynila sa mga rally na yan, sunog dito, sunog doon, hindi kayo yayaman dyan! hahaha yon lang talaga! hindi! hahaha chos! 

Wwwwoooootttt.. paaakk!! Hahaha

Anyways, siguro ito na ang right time para makabalik nako sa mundo ng pagbblog, charots! Oo kasi naitawid ko na ang pangarap ko. ito na ang simula sa pagbuo ng bagong mga pangarap. Naman! Achos lang! hahahaha di nga, above all, sobrang nagpapasalamat ako sa diyos sa lahat-lahat na nangyari sa buhay ko for the past 3 years. Naabot ko na, I got my license finally! Yoohoo!! I am now already a REGISTERED SOCIAL WORKER! YES! Hahaha  Ito ang masabi kong God made it all happen the least I expect it, it was indeed orchestrated.

Sa next post ko na ikukwento about pano ko narating ang lahat ng ito sa buhay ko. charoowwss! Hahaha

Wala lang, nakikigulo lang naman ako talaga sa SONA, sumingit lang bigla ang personal na buhay! hahaha

Hayyymisshyoo all!!

One more bridge to cross...

Hindi dahil nag-update ako, wala akong ginagawa. Gusto ko mang mag-ingay pero ubos ang energy ko! Hindi dahil kulang ako sa kain pero pagod lang ako. echos lang! May utang pa ako kay mommy B. hahaha hindi ko nasubmit yong entry about sa church dito sa amin. Makakabawi din ako hindi ko lang masabi kung balang araw ba! Haha chos! Anyway, so much to that, may tataposin lang ako sa buhay ko ngayon.

Ang taba ko na! (kelan ba ako pumayat anoh?! Hahaha)

I am on a journey sa mga panahon ngayon. Parang nasa gitna na ng throat ko yong tension, pressure, excitement kahit natata-e na ako, hindi lumalabas agad-agad. Nagpapapilit pa. tokwa!!

Law of attraction! Law of attraction is what I am holding on to now! like I said sa twitter ko, “kaya ko pa! kaya pa” I am almost there. I am going to finish the race! I think this is really about winning! Goal winning I must say!

Nakaya kong hindi nag-fb ng more than a month, kakayanin ko pa for another month! Getting something in life, we need to give our sacrifices! That’s the challenge there! Life is indeed beautiful when we know that there are people na naghihintay sa atin. To emphasize, our family and long lost friends.  I also consider yong mga blogger friends ko of course. A lot of plans made na kailangan munang maghintay, that is also a sacrifice I did.

One more bridge to cross and I will be there.

I am going to fulfil a promise to someone, I am giving a gift to myself too. After all these years, I have come to this point saying na “in the right place and time” everything is in order!!!

To the person I am giving this gift, may you bless me and grant the desire of my heart. It is you who said that “SOULS are our greatest secret helper in life” and I am claiming it now for I believe you were with me all the way in re-constructing my life. I almost there, carry me on! I can do this!! I will make it!!! 

*stress management ko talaga tong pag-bblog!! lol :) nag-level up na, hindi na pagkain ang takbohan ko! hahaha 

Papaya you!

Gaano kato-too na ang papaya ay nakakawala ng libog? Kaya ba ang mga madre at pari sa kanilang bakuran ay maraming tanim na papaya? Para maiwasan ang libog at temptasyon? Lol ang panget ng intro ko, hahaha naisip ko lang itanong yan kasi bumili ako ng papaya kanina pauwi, timing kasi  na ang main road ng city, trapik dahil may prosesyon ng nazareno, kaya dumaan ako sa isang daan kung saan papuntang palengke at nagagandahan ako sa mga papaya, kaya bumili ako! Inggitera lang!

Kaya ito na kinakain ko na habang latag ang aking gagawin para sa documentation and photo docu sa upcoming event na leadership training seminar ng mga leaders sa iba’t ibang school ng buong Mindanao that offers the course social work.

Ang dami ko pang gagawin, kanina pa ako kating kati na magblog hop pero hindi ko magawa ng bongga kasi tambak ang mga requirements. (pero sadyang hindi ko mapigilan, il give myself hour to do that lel) Sabagay parang mas madaling paandarin ang utak ko kapag malapit na ang deadline pero ayoko ng ganon sa totoo lang kasi hindi ko makikita ano man ang mali doon, pero dahil nagpakasawa ako sa bakasyon, ito ang napapala ko, cramming! Pero nakagawa pa ako ng blogpost! Hahaha

Balik sa papaya, kung totoo ngang nakakawala ng gana yon, abah hindi ako affected dyan ngayon! Hahaha keber lang! sabagay ang daldal ko at ang tapang ko sa mga kabulastogan na usapan pero parang minsan ang hirap gawin in reality! Lol saka ko nalang ikwento ang papaya na yan kapag maprove ko na nakakawalang gana nga yan! Hihihi

P.S.

Namatay ako sa inggit sa mga pictures ng PBOers sa kanilang outreach program at may utang pa akong pastel, hindi pa ako nakapagpadala dahil na rin sa sched ko na bawat minuto ay nangangalabit sakin! Isang araw this week or next week sana ako naman ang magkaron ng chance to knock out my sched to live a little.

Basta nandito lang ako, kapag may time nakakabasa naman ako ng inyong blog hindi lang nakakapagcomment ng kasing haba ng isang post. Lol

Mga bilog na mukha paikot-ikot

Tinotoo ko na talaga ang sinabi kong mag-ggym ako. I stopped for almost three months din kasi naging busy-busyhan ako sa school and work, di kinaya ng sched ko kasi gabi matatapos ang clase ko. Sana makapag-adjust na ako this year kasi I REALLY NEED (hahaha) to lose weight para sa darating na practicum ko. Lol dumepensa pa ako talaga! Haha charos! Nagdadahilan pa talaga ako!

When I changed my profile pic sa fb ko nong new year (nakawhite with close up, echos!) a friend message me (mataba rin siya hahaha, pig nga tawagan namin kasi parehas kaming bilog since HS pa hanggang naging classmate kami ulit for this new course) she told me, wag yan kasi ang mukha mo bilog na bilog (bonggang tawa) and I told her (defense mechanism kagad) ok lang yan kasi swerte sa new year ang bilog! Hahaha kebs na ako! That pic was a year ago nong nagpunta kami sa isang community. Bilog talaga mukha ko at least hindi naging itlog o kaya mangga! Lels! Hahaha

Mula sa bilog, itong executive look ko naman, charos! Nag-ggym pa ako that time, Nagtrim down daw ako slight ansabeh!?! Parang wala naman pinagbago, trim down talaga? Parang halaman lang ha! Lol at finally after almost three months, yan na ang get up ko papuntang gym! kulay orange, ponkan na ponkan lang sabi ni jessica haha, may nagsabi ding "likas papayah" haha Ganyan! ang sweet nila! haha Kailangan conservative muna para hindi malanta ang pechay! Hahaha tan-enah yang pechay na term na yan, usapan sa twitter ata yan or sa comment sa blog, either si JonDmur, Rix, Pao, Cyron, Archie, Tonio lang ang nagsabi niyan, sila lang ang kilala kong wholesome, swear! they are very wholesome! lol basta isa sa kanila di ko lang ma-pin point (nagbintang talaga ako ano! Hahahaha sniff…) kung sino kasi hindi ako sigurado din! Hahaha hindi ko rin ata pweding pagbintangan si arline at senyor dito kasi busy-busyhan ang buhay nila lately, never mahanap. lol 

In 3 months time kailangan totoong anne Curtis na ang katawan ko! Haha (ambisyosa!) wag naman, masakit sa ulo ang ubod ng sexy, lantang lanta ka lang niyan! Hahaha wag nah! Iba pa rin ang kutis bebeh! Roowwttss!! At naalala ko ang sabi ni empi sa twitter, gusto daw niya magkasing laki kami, tang inah ayoko nah! Hahaha ayoko ng upo, talong, patola mas lalo naman kung sili! Magkamay ka nalang por-eber or kahit wag nalang! Iba pa rin ang totoo! Charos wag berdeh ang utak! Hahaha sa susunod ko na ikwento ang mga bagong papalicious na nakasabay kong mag-gym, magkakasala nako talaga! gibang giba ang reputasyon ko nito!! (sign of the cross) Bwahahahaha 

 

How will you understand them?

One of the challenges I encountered every day in my life especially in the office is yong you are talking to different people and hearing different sentiments in their life, I may say we have problems but if we look into the bigger picture, there are more na mas mabigat at mahirap ang problema if you are just sensitive enough to lend your ears.

There are a lot of cases every day, there are also common, but one thing I assure you is, they have different stories. You know, if you are a psychology graduate or studying psych, social work or even sociology you will understand most of the things that Is happening around us, we are sensitive to things, situations and even our own family situations, we are very careful to that. But to those na walang background, it doesn’t matter at all, other people in the rural to be specific, their only priority is mapakain ng tatlong beses ang pamilya nila in one day, swerte na yon if three meals na.

I met a lot of people already, mayaman at mahirap, pero isa lang ang narealize ko all this time working, pare-pareho tayo ng nararamdaman when our immediate family goes to the hospital, walang mahirap at mayaman if you have a deadly disease. The difference between the government hospital and the private, it’s too big, pero hindi lahat ng nakaprivate hospital, lahat nakakabayad, dahil sa laki ng bill, kailangan mangutang or magsangla ng property para mailabas ang kanilang pasyente. Sa government naman, maliit ang bayad, madami ka pang pweding puntahan to pay the remaining amount of the bill pero kailangan mong mag-tiis at makipagsiksikan sa hospital.

One of the most challenging cases I have handled is yong nag-lalabor, young age, teenager, may ka-live in partner at ang haharap sayo, mga magulang pa rin nila and when you ask them a question “how old are you nanay when you had your first child?!” ang sagot “kasing edad ng anak kong nanganak, mam!” history repeats itself?! tama ba ako? Oo kasi yon ang nakikita nila, yon ang naririnig nila and these children thought that it’s right, minsan ang iba they made an excuse na hiwalay ang magulang at kailangan nila ng kasama. Ikaw, pano mo isipin ang ganyang situation? Is it acceptable? Reasonable? Justifiable? Ako, depende yan, kasi there are cases naman na rape victim, nabuntis, hindi acceptable pero walang may gustong ma-rape!

May mas challenging at nakakainis sa lahat, 42 years old, gave labor to her 13^th child, kasabay ang anak niyang naglalabor din for her 1^st child, means apo na niya yon. Ngayon, kaya  mo bang intindihin ang mga taong tulad nila? Then the person na haharap sa’yo is yong tatay na parang wala lang, they don’t even think of ano ang ipapakain nila sa anak nila. They are just one of those kind of people na na-eencounter ko every day sa buhay ko, this gave me the reason to aim more, dream hard para one day, I know I can’t change the world, I can’t change everything but at least I could share something that is worth to live in this world.

This sharpens your brain!

With my allergy attack na naging super OA na, nakapag-absent ako sa work! Pffftt! While at home, I take the chance to finish watching the “suits” I so love both of them, Harvey and mike! Can’t stop, it’s addictive. I should finish the complete season 2 if weren’t for my classmates who texted me that we have a class by 4pm to 5:30 instead of 5:30-8:30. Caught in the middle! I only have 30 minutes to prepare myself, it’s 3:00 and I know I will be late.

after ritual and preparation... umalis na ako ng bahay.

Malas pa! I was waiting for a taxi pero wala! None pass infront of me!! Can you actually believe that in a city!? Ohh shaaxx!! It leaves me no choice but to ride a jeepney, in the middle of the city, there goes the traffic jam! When I realized I can’t get through with it, I stop, bumaba ako! I look for a motorcycle and shits again, no one is available to take me to school, it’s not their route, so I decided again to look for taxi, it took me 3 minutes waiting, oh thank I thought God wouldn’t answer my prayer!

I arrived 4:25 pm at the gate and I know I am sooo late with that, it’s the first day of class, my major! Shit I thought! Hahaha i ran into the lobby, up to the third floor, hiningal pa ako! When Im about to reach the classroom door, here’s the checker! (super inday as we call her, because she does a lot of things, she’s good, before you say it, she handed it to you!) for the faculty attendance, and boom! “you are super late!” I just couldn’t say something kasi hiningal pa ako! I got in, and guess what? Hindi pa nagsisimula yong clase! Nagtaxi pa ako! Hahaha Nagbayad ng 70 pesos para hindi ako malate! Sayang! Inisip ko nalang na kinain ko yong 70 pesos at hindi na ako nagdinner sa school para tipid na rin! Hahaha

Si Harvey at mike lang ang pwedi kong i-blame sa nangyari! I got hooked with episodes 1-8. I finished the 9 and 10 when I got home. Episode 9 broke me! I cried I felt it! It’s all done now, going to miss them until January of 2013. You must see it! It sharpens your brain! It did to me! Hahaha

Mom is just around, i know.

Since mom left us, the three of us, yesterday, I, my father and sissy went to another comfort zone. My father drives to his brother to play chess, my sister went to my mother’s only and younger sister (just back of our house) and I, left alone at home. It’s been a year and a half since mom died and I could still feel her around the house, or maybe because when she was still alive, I used to have that feeling even if I kept myself inside my room most of the time, I know she’s just outside reading or taking her cup of tea. Now, sitting on my bed inside my room, reading blogs or updating fb status, my feeling doesn’t change at all, she’s still outside sitting on her favourite chair. I can’t let go of that feeling yet, not now or maybe not ever.

While growing up, I understand why mom keep on banging us, what I am now it is because of the love and values she taught us. Most of the people will tell I have a strong personality, so as my mom, strong but we both have a soft spot in our hearts, it just doesn’t show. Just dig and you will know. It’s always true to tell about “kung ano puno ay siya ring bunga!” and my father, sissy and I take that as a joke like “walang mangga magkaroon ng bunga na bayabas!” so much of avoidance, I still follow my mom’s footstep after all this time. It’s been a long search of myself, a long journey before I came to realize that this is what I want to be in my life, to be a registered social worker just like my mom. I am happy of what I become now, the people that surround me gave me enough strength to go on with my dreams and make that dream come true.

One day, I know mom will be happy with the choice I made in my life, the road I walk into and to continue her legacy. I always know I can do more than what she did because she believes in that, she always tells me that. I grew up believing that one day, I can do better than what I just saw and heard from my mother. Whatever I did now, this is because she gave me the strength to pursue the life I deserve.

I am not holding up

It’s been a while since I decided not to know anything about you, I don’t want to feel that pain again. I don’t want to get hurt, I am afraid of what will I know either. I’d rather escape it than passing through all over again. It has been a tough semester to me this year, I’ve gone through a lot already and I don’t know if I can still hold on, even if I am that strong as what you think, I could give in, I am just human, I get tired, I get lost, I get weak. I don’t have magic to change what I felt, it’s in there, I can’t run away from that.

I know it’s hurting me a lot, I am feeling it and I even understand it but it’s still killing me. My heart is getting weak, my mind keep telling my heart that there’s no other way to forget everything but to accept and be ready to let it go, yes, but how? when? I don’t know whom to get angry, what to angry about. I just couldn’t understand what the hell is going on with me now. I am trying to apply what I learnt in class but my emotion is pulling me back. I really understand that there’s no turning back, that it is not right anymore, that it couldn’t be yet I still remain in distress.  

I am not bitter, I just probably felt that “sayang” because I know how we’ve been, how we’ve exchange our hearts all this time and clash attitudes that knows how to meet half way, the kindness and too much understanding between us, believing that communication is the best foundation in any kind of relationship and fails in trusting each other.

I don’t know how long I will be holding this up. How I wish I am ready to let go of you, to re-open my heart to new possibilities, to a dream that I will be reaching alone. I know there’s always a reason in everything but this caused me too much pain already that I could no longer bare it. I know I can make it through time, only that I cannot wait for too long. 

Home without a mother

Life without a mother at home on Sunday is too empty I must say but I am enjoying every single chance that I have with my sissy and father. When mom died a year ago, things had been change and it’s never been easy. As an elder daughter, I have to stand, be firmed and remain strong for the family. I am not married as well as my sissy. We took care of my father who is just 54 years old, young to be a widower.

When mom died, it’s the turning point of my life. I saw myself became stronger than I was, I remained calm in every situation that comes in, and I stand in every way. Partly I am now making decisions too and I am seeing my worth in that matter. There are a lot of things we need to balance actually in our life, we have to maintain smooth relationship to our family, friends and co-workers in order to function very well. I can say that I am working on that slowly everyday.

Time is too consuming to me now, I have a great life I can say, I learned to balance everything I want to happen in my life, my work, my school, my family and friends, I can still go to the gym to cut some fats and I see some improvement on that. Discipline is the keyword.

I can say that I have grown up so fast after mom died and i ponder that a lot. I am not my mother but as she always told me before that “you can never be like me but you can be more than me and you can do more than what I have done” and everything she said is becoming my reality now. Mother’s knows best that’s my conclusion and realization. One day when I myself turn into be a mother also, probably 80 percent of me I will get it from my mother, after all my mother brought me up to this world and nurtured me and became the person whom she want me to be. 

try kumain ng ganito kalaki na pizza

Feeling ko isang buwan na akong nawala dito sa blogsphere dahil naging busy busyhan ang lola niyo!! Namiss ko rin ang chumismaks sa mga blog niyo kaya babawi ako bukas pagkagising ko. Sa ngayon ibabahagi ko muna ang pizza parteh na sinabi ko sa nauna kong post.

bertdey keyk

buo pa ang pizza haha

Dahil it’s a pizza parteh, so here is the biggest pizza we had tonight!! Plus a free 12 inches pizza free that cost us 1,360 php only, mura na compared to other places. We ordered THE GODFATHER (30 inches big) from big flat pizza and enjoyed the videoke while eating. For now, may amnesia ako sa DIET!! Hahaha this is good for 12 to 15 person’s pero hindi pa rin naming naubos kasi almost 50 slices, kahit mga barako yang kasama ko hindi pa rin naming kinayang ubosin!! We decided to have a pizza party as me and my best friend birthday treat to our social work classmates. Kahit late na ang celebration, we had fun still!!

malakas malusog matibay
ang pinagsamahan namin
all these years. 

ito ang ginawa naming birthday keyk!! lels!! it's more fun in the philippines talaga pag kasama mo ang mga kaibigan mong inasahan!! itong katabi kong kasing malusog ko rin we've been friends since high school days pa lang, mga almost 15 years na rin yong friendship namin and i am happy kasi nahila ko siyang mag-aral din ng korsong hindi namin maintindihan!! hahaha kebs!! enjoy life eka nga!! ilang birthdays na rin kami nagsalo kasi january 1 siya and ako is january 6 naman. all those years since naging kaibigan kami we both know and we will never forget each other's birthday.

Amnesia mode!! walang
diet muna haha

madami pang kwento behind this pizza parteh. bukas ikukwento ko naman ang nangyari after namin kumain at naisipang maglipstick ng sobrang pula, kami at ang mga kasama naming pinagdududahan na naming mga bekey. more pictures to come. 

Age is not unlimited like globe telecom

There is a mixed emotion that I myself don’t even understand what the hell is going on with me and my current emotions. I feel so empty. I think that’s the right word. I tried to search and find myself. I keep on pretending that I am okay, na kaya ko ang lahat even my heart bleeds. i have my friends with me na nakakasabay kong tumawa pero after ng tawa biglang wala na naman, I feel empty pa rin.

Maybe dumating na sa point ng life ko that i am ready to re-open my heart again, ready ako pero I am not even sure enough kung kaya ko ba. I know I have my dreams now, I am working with my dreams and even that I found that fulfillment parang may kulang pa rin. I am trying to search what I really want now, I keep on reading, talking  pero there’s still kulang in between.

 

I believed that we don’t need to search for the person we want to love for, it will just come on the time the least we expect to an unexpected place. How long I will have to wait for him. Parang ang bilis ng panahon ngayon, sa dami ng ginagawa natin sa buhay araw2x mas lalong mabilis ang oras lumiit din ang mundo. I felt that hindi na tayo aabot sa 70^thbirthday natin para makapagblog ng makapagblog, unlimited nato pero ang buhay natin hindi naman kasing unlimited ng globe or smart. Lol

 

Midlife sickness or crisis ata tong naramdaman ko ngayon!! Hahaha punyetahs!!! hahaha

Behind resurgence blog

I have been blogging kung ano2x lately but I forgot to tell something kung ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin  ng resurgence, this means revival. Revival kasi  I could say now na I am ready to open everything what’s on my mind without any  hesitation or limitation, before I always have this apprehension of sharing my life because I am afraid to be judged or hindi ko lang talaga type magkwento ng kung ano2x sa buhay ko. Ngayon dahil mas naging makapal ang mukha ko kaya ikarir ko nato!! Lol

Resurgence kasi ito na ang bago kong buhay, I could say now that I have a new life in blogging, I have tried a lot of times noon magblog pero dahil feeling ko wala akong makwento kaya hindi natutuloy ang karir ko sa blog plus the fact that I am conscious with what I am going to tell the world but now wala ng conscious2x na yan, kung baga bahala na si superman sa akin ngayon!!

 

I have changed a lot I know, I always tell that to my closest friends that the person you knew in me before is not the person anymore now. Mas naging open minded ako when I started to study social work, it has a great influence in my life dahil ito ako ngayon nagsusulat, nagbblog, may lakas ng loob magsabi kung ano ang nangyayari sa buhay ko whereas noon as much as possible I want it everything in private, ngayon LADLARAN nato!! Hahaha open arms and open legs na kung baga!! Hahaha yes hello!! Go!! 

Tatlong araw na nawala ako

It has been a long weekend for me, I took the 9 hours class last Saturday and my brain starts to deplete. It’s good that after class I joined my friends to unwind and went home by 1 in the morning I think. The whole Sunday, TULOG ako!! Hahaha yesterday was draining the same. I took my two major exam and the fuck!!! Dugong dugo yong utak ko!!

Bago ako nagtake ng exam kumain pa ako sa chowking at guess what nag-halo2x ulit ako, ng matapos ang exam ko punyets! Sa sobrang pagod ng utak ko nawala ang kinain kong worth 150php hahaha and I went to Jollibee to order one chicken burger with extra large fries and large pineapple, at kinarir kong kainin magisa yon!! Hahaha nawawala ang diet ko puteks!! Hahaha

I went home na sobrang pagod na pagod pa rin ako so I decided to sleep early. Today, I feel so fresh parang bagong bago na naman ang araw ko  ngayon. Mahirap talaga abotin ang isang pangarap ano pero once it’s already there, I know it’s all worth the wait din naman! 

Friday the 13th confusion

Today is the first Friday the 13^th of the year. People come to believe that pag Friday the 13^th may masamang mangyayari. Sa awa ni lord ngayon araw nato wala naman, safe naman akong nakauwi ng bahay except for the fact siguro with my exam results ng prelim, parang isang malaking question mark yong nakuha kong score, super tricky yong questions at na-over analyze ko yong questions kaya naging mali tuloy. ECHOS noh?! I defended myself pa talaga eh simply lang naman yon talagang hindi umabot utak ko sa utak ng teacher ko!! Punyets!! Masyadong bright child lang talaga si MAM!! Or sadyang wala talagang laman utak ko while taking the exam!! yon!! No excuses!! Hahaha

I didn’t do anything after class kundi bili ng pagkain dito at doon. Kung ano2x lang maisipan kong bilhin, meron akong biniling popcorn na may peanut sa goldilocks, kumain ako ng halo2x sa chowking, sumegway pa akong bumili ng bread and sandwich spread para sa agahan ko bukas kasi 9 am to 7 pm yong klase ko kaya kailangan ko ng madaming malamon kundi ako ang lalamonin ng utak ko!! Hahaha

Parang kailangan ko ata munang matulog ng maaga ngayon kasi gigising pa ako ng maaga bukas para mag-aral!! (seryoso nato!! Haha) kailangan kong ikarir ang gusto kong future kaya sasagarin ko na!! pagkatapos ng klase malamang tambay ako sa mga blog niyo at makikigulo!! Hehehe gustohin ko mang mag-ikot ngayon kaso malamig ang panahon at masarap ng itulog. Nakakatakot din minsan ang lamig ng ulan kasi baka maulit na naman ang sendong. Spell the word TRAUMA!! At dahil sa sendong na yan, mas lalong madaming trabaho ngayon sa pag-aaral at sa buhay trabaho ko!!

At nawala na ako sa topic kong Friday the 13^th hahaha kahit ako nagugulohan kung ano ba ang post kong to!! Hahaha lagi nalang akong confused sa lahat ng bagay ngayon!! Punyetiks!! hehehe

Itulog ko muna ang taba ko!! Bukas magbuburn ako ng fats ulit!!! Hahaha

Kung ikarir ko na kaya ang pagiging denial queen

I have my own self-worth this time after a long silence about my life. I am a good or a great pretender in showing my true feelings, I am not a showy type of a person, I talk less either. Whenever I am sad, angry I just keep it to  myself until it will reach to it’s highest point na hindi ko na kaya at maburst out ko, sobra pa sa bomba talaga which I find it hindi maganda dahil malalim ang pinaghuhugotan ko. This is me and I am happy now that I am trying to rebuild myself in a manner that I am learning to correct my own mistakes in the past and I learned to be open with my feelings, happy man or malungkot but there are just instances na hindi pa rin nawawala sa akin yong pagiging denial queen ko lalo na pag-naiiyak na ako. Mind you kahit matigas ang mukha ko pusong mammon ako kahit hindi man bagay sa akin ang umiyak! lol

Self-worth because I manage to accept certain things in my life like ano ang ugali ko at saan galing yong ugali at pano ko ihahandle yong ugali ko. There are sensitive issues in my life that I considered, una na yong about sa panghuhusga ng ibang tao sa akin dahil yon ang nakikita lang nila without even asking me kung ano nga ba talaga. Slowly i am trying to understand that minsan we need to be open para Makita natin kung ano ba talaga ang gusto natin sa buhay at ano or san tayo mag-aadjust para wala tayong maapakan na ibang tao.

I am happy now that I gave myself a challenge also na dito sa pagbablog, maging open ako to whatever feelings that I have, may transparency in all the things na gagawin ko sa buhay ko and to share my thoughts, views, ideas without any hesitations and limitations. Chos!! Hehehe maniwala man kayo o hindi, seryos ako sa mga pinagsasabi ko!! Haha (ewan ko nalang kung maniwala pa kayo kung tumatawa ako sa ending!! Haha)

Maitim + white balak = Gray na balak

I was supposed to write an entry last night but since sobrang BADTRIP ako kahapon kaya I slept early nalang. I have been thinking to burst it out what I felt yesterday but I chose not to nalang because I might say words that is not appropriate at mas lalong maging masama ang tingin ng ibang tao sa akin. KEBS ko nalang!!!

This time I have come to many realizations in life that sometimes you just have to go on to your own battle alone, decide without asking other’s opinion and kill them silently!!! Hahaha I’ve come to think that the battle and competition in life is always there beside us, we just tend to ignore it because we uphold our values and traditions yet there are just some people doesn’t care what we feel. So ngayon, ito lang ang masasabi ko, HUMANDA kayo!!! I have been so reliant to other people NOON pero ngayon I am starting to live and believe on my own capacity to do and choose decisions as long as I have God with me. Everything will be fine I know.

Life must go on, I know my anger will last for a day or couple of days. Depende. (rarrr..lol) one thing I can assure myself now, I will not give myself fully to the people whom the same may mga maitim na balak sa akin!! Kahit anong maputing balak pa ang nasa akin kung maitim naman sa kanila, maging gray yon so meaning black still prevails!! LOL dahil maging gray ang balak ko sure ako hindi naman ganon kabrutal ang mangyayari!! hahaha

bahala na basta ang alam ko I will do it my way!!! Come and see it!!! 

Utak kutsilyo

As I have promised myself na maging mabait na ako for this year, so one of the things I wanted to fulfill is that ma-complete ko na ang 12 months this year sa pagbablog. Hindi ako masipag, totoo yan! Hahaha pero magpapakasipag ako sa taon nato para na rin sa kinabukasan ko (kung meron man akong kinabukasan sa pagblog!! Hahaha)

I thought last year masipag na ako noon kasi naipagpatuloy ko ang pagblog, ang daming thoughts at ideas nasa utak ko yong utak ko lang ayaw gumana!! Hahaha kahit anong kain pa ng mga brain enhancer na yan, wa epek pa rin!! (futah!) kinakalawang na utak ko ata kaya for now gagawin kong malaking knife ang brain ko kasi the more you sharpen things mas gagana nga naman ito! Sige go!

I am totally confused kung ano nga ba ang blog ko about kasi ang dami kong gusto mangyari sa blog ko kaso kahit ako gulong-gulo din. Kebs nalang! Blog ko naman to kaya walang makikialam sa mga pinagsasabi ko dito!! Hahaha sa mga naunang blog ko, uber drama ang dating dahil na rin yon sa mga emotions kong uber na hindi ko macontrol at I still also have a lot of issues in the past na nabuksan ngayon that’s why buhos ang emosyon ko na parang hindi naman ako at hindi ko personality ang maging ganon pero dahil ako ay isang tao lamang kaya tanggapin niyo nalang din ako sa ayaw at gusto niyo!! Hahaha

Wala ng ka-sense2x ang sulat ko pero pag sharp na sharp na ang utak ko aarangkada ako ulet at maibahagi ko ang buhay ko na sana’y may matutunan ang bawat tao sa kanyang paglalakbay sa buhay na kasama ako. LOL go!!

Stepping back

I started to believe in my dreams again to the new profession I chose to commit in life, to trust in myself once more, to regain back everything that has been lost and to set another goal to reach. There are a lot of things in the past why I failed in life, but still I am thankful for those failures because it helped me to become the person of who I am now.

There was once a dream that someday I will be an architect but I accepted the reality that yes it has been my world but it was never really my life. I am pointing it that my world spins on it but the profession never gave me life. There’s always a great pride there why I didn’t give up pushing the course even if I already have a hard time dealing with my subjects already. A pride wherein I know that there are just a few women in that field who succeeded in the profession, plus the fact that everybody knows you are good in math and can impressed people because definitely you can draw! I know I can make it but there are a lot of circumstances came in my life at that time, I couldn’t get the concentration I want, I easily get discouraged whenever I heard bad news or situations within the family, I was really lost, I admit that. I have no one to talk to about my personal problems; I don’t trust myself so how can I trust others.

I wasted my years but I did not regret because I believed that every mistake or decision that we make in our life, we are responsible to whatever it will lead us to take. I fall but I learned to get up on my own!

A lot of things in the past I didn’t do which I want it to do it now. To me, it’s not yet too late to correct mistakes, in fact I am learning on it. Sometimes I just laughed at those blunder because now I am doing the things which I didn’t do before. The motto that I have now in my life is “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” I find it so funny everytime I thought of that because I couldn’t believe that I actually do things now that I don’t do it. Given example there was whenever there is a class reporting, role play, oral quiz well expect me to be absent on that day. I was lack of self-confidence and I was afraid of standing in front of my classmates but now gaining it through time, experience and mistakes, I always make it sure that I am on the first batch, first one to do the task given.

It’s really a long journey in my life already, I may not know everything yet because I am still learning every moment I lived my life now but one thing I am thankful now is that I see the different person in me, I was not anymore the person with a lot of fears. I started to believed in what I can do for myself and to others, what I can give without expecting anything in return and social work profession has helped me opened my eyes to reality, my heart to my real emotions and my life for a completion.