Time to change

i need to change everything in my blog from banner to the background. i just don't know how to do it. i hope there could be an angel who drops off in my blog and share his/her idea how to make one. i am also still waiting for my application in cdo bloggers, well its fun i think, i just need to be so busy in everything so i will not be able to attend too much on myself. i think it's time to work on the community and listen to what the society's need. 

Behind resurgence blog

I have been blogging kung ano2x lately but I forgot to tell something kung ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin  ng resurgence, this means revival. Revival kasi  I could say now na I am ready to open everything what’s on my mind without any  hesitation or limitation, before I always have this apprehension of sharing my life because I am afraid to be judged or hindi ko lang talaga type magkwento ng kung ano2x sa buhay ko. Ngayon dahil mas naging makapal ang mukha ko kaya ikarir ko nato!! Lol

Resurgence kasi ito na ang bago kong buhay, I could say now that I have a new life in blogging, I have tried a lot of times noon magblog pero dahil feeling ko wala akong makwento kaya hindi natutuloy ang karir ko sa blog plus the fact that I am conscious with what I am going to tell the world but now wala ng conscious2x na yan, kung baga bahala na si superman sa akin ngayon!!

 

I have changed a lot I know, I always tell that to my closest friends that the person you knew in me before is not the person anymore now. Mas naging open minded ako when I started to study social work, it has a great influence in my life dahil ito ako ngayon nagsusulat, nagbblog, may lakas ng loob magsabi kung ano ang nangyayari sa buhay ko whereas noon as much as possible I want it everything in private, ngayon LADLARAN nato!! Hahaha open arms and open legs na kung baga!! Hahaha yes hello!! Go!! 

Ang tao kung makapaghusga nga naman

Ang tao nga naman talaga ay tao lang! kung ano ang nakikita, yon na kagad ang nakatatak sa isip. Hindi ko personality ang magpretend dahil yon ang gusto ng ibang tao or majority reasons eh dahil kailangan dahil isang image ng babae ako. It is been an issue sa ibang tao kung ano ako, they will always have that judgment na “tomboy” or a “bisexual’ and the like, whatever it is, IT’S NOT!! I am straight yon ang alam ko sa pagkatao ko!!

Almost all of the people who will look at me will directly judge me kung ano ako at sino ako (putah dibah!!) dahil sa kilos ko na boyish then hinuhusgaan ka na kagad!! I grew up with my dad because my mom was so busy sa career niya, my childhood was with my dad, kung ano ang laro ng panlalaki yon din ang nilalaro ko syempre alangan naman maglalaro ng barbie yong tatay ko diba? Definitely, marbles, kite, sipa bola and yong laro ng mga batang lalaki yon ang nagagawa ko noon.

Ngayon na super grown up na ako, I am labeled and judged na “tomboy” dahil lang sa kilos ko. It is not my fault naman siguro na ganito ako gumalaw, magsalita na parang lagi akong galit (LOL). Ang masasabi ko lang wala naman akong any relationship ever with the same sex, at hindi rin naman ako nagkakagusto sa same sex so how can that be? Diba?! hindi ko rin naman masabi na confused ako kasi alam ko naman ano ang gusto ko (hmmm...) at ano/saan ako maging masaya (LOL)

I have been into relationships pero hindi lang talaga nagwowork dahil mas dominant ako at ayoko kasi sa lalaki na ako pa ang magtuturo kung ano ang dapat gawin at I don’t want that he is learning from me but gusto ko I am learning something from him. Kaya malamang walang tumagal!! (hahaha)

Mas kilala ko ang sarili ko higit kanino pa man and this is the time I am confident enough to bring up issues like this kasi isa lang ang masabi ko “handa na akong isiwalat ang buhay ko dito!!”  (hahaha may ganong balak talaga!!) I just really don’t understand people, madami akong kilala nga nagdadamit sobrang sexy pero kasama nila sa bahay eh isang “bisexual” tapos ako na nagdadamit lang ng t-shirt, pants at sneakers napagkakamalan ng tomboy!! Ano ba namang buhay to diba!! Ang tao nga naman!!!

Hindi naman porket 2012 na ngayon eh magdamit ako ayon sa gusto ng ibang tao para lang hindi ako mahusgahan!! I don’t think I need to please everybody, medyo tumanda na ako ng konti ata sa pagtatanggol sa sarili ko sa ibang tao dahil lang sa kilos ko kaya this time gaya ng dati, keber!!! Mamatay nalang sa inggit kung ako ay may future pang makapag-asawa!! (hahaha)

Medyo hindi ako sa women’s department, hindi rin naman sa men’s siguro pwede na sa akin ang unisex department kung meron man!! Dahil katawan babae ako pero ang mga damit ko ay simply lang, tshirt, pants at sneakers!! Basta ang alam ko straight ako kahit ano pang sabihin ng ibang tao, nagkataon lang talaga na yong kilos ko eh mas macho pa sa ibang nagmamacho-machohan!! (hahaha)

Maitim + white balak = Gray na balak

I was supposed to write an entry last night but since sobrang BADTRIP ako kahapon kaya I slept early nalang. I have been thinking to burst it out what I felt yesterday but I chose not to nalang because I might say words that is not appropriate at mas lalong maging masama ang tingin ng ibang tao sa akin. KEBS ko nalang!!!

This time I have come to many realizations in life that sometimes you just have to go on to your own battle alone, decide without asking other’s opinion and kill them silently!!! Hahaha I’ve come to think that the battle and competition in life is always there beside us, we just tend to ignore it because we uphold our values and traditions yet there are just some people doesn’t care what we feel. So ngayon, ito lang ang masasabi ko, HUMANDA kayo!!! I have been so reliant to other people NOON pero ngayon I am starting to live and believe on my own capacity to do and choose decisions as long as I have God with me. Everything will be fine I know.

Life must go on, I know my anger will last for a day or couple of days. Depende. (rarrr..lol) one thing I can assure myself now, I will not give myself fully to the people whom the same may mga maitim na balak sa akin!! Kahit anong maputing balak pa ang nasa akin kung maitim naman sa kanila, maging gray yon so meaning black still prevails!! LOL dahil maging gray ang balak ko sure ako hindi naman ganon kabrutal ang mangyayari!! hahaha

bahala na basta ang alam ko I will do it my way!!! Come and see it!!! 

Christmas without you

Today is the last day of August and tomorrow will be the start of “BER” September, October, November and December. This means that Christmas is almost again to happen. Personally, there would be a lot of changes this year. We will celebrate Christmas without my mom.

Sometimes I don’t want to mention about my mom because it always reminds me of what life we have been, what pain we went through, I always remember how much she suffered from pain because of the people wants to see her in despair. I could always think of revenge but what will be the benefit I will have if I take an action soon, what I could get, it’s nothing!  

I am trying to reconstruct my life now; I am starting all over again. I am trying to move on and forget what we have been. Christmas won’t be the same without mom, I am sure of that. Gonna miss her chocolate cake, humba, chicken binacol, sapin-sapin, ube jam, suman, etc. all I wish that someday whatever pain I have now will be healed soon.

I am facing now the greatest challenge in my life, to prove and stand in behalf of my mom, I know I will never be like her but one thing I know, I can do something more. There are still unfinished issues in my life and I want to start it now without any hesitations. This time I am willing to face whatever failures will come my way, I guess I am now ready to face another chapter of my life with bravery.  Like what I always told myself, “I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again!” it will never be a perfect journey but at least now I am trying to give more what I have given in the past. 

Bearing the sweet fruits

I thought I was done making a blog.

After I made the blog earlier, I went out to find my mom’s red file box. I asked my sister about it but she just nodded so I have no choice but to look inside the master’s bedroom. It was really unusual because when I opened the door I paused for no reason and my tears again started to fell. I looked into the bed where I always see my mom lying whenever I came home late at night. Once again, I started to feel the loss. I still grieve.

Whenever I feel the loss, I always remember those people whom have been a part of my mom’s death. So much I really wanted to be strong to face life every day without bitterness, hatred and anger, still my strength is not enough to fight back, to move on. There’s no easy way to forgive when you know that you have lost everything. The only thing that we have now, with my sister and papa is the principle, dignity, wisdom, reputation and values that my mom imparted to us.

I’ve tasted the sweetest word from other people whom have appreciated my mom’s good deeds. It’s true that “kung ano ang tinanim, yon ang aanihin mo” and I am proud to say that my mom has done her part in the society and I am bearing those fruits now. It is hard for us but the least we can do is to accept that mom is not with us anymore. I don’t want to think deeply that mom died already because every night or moment is a tear jerking.

I remained strong when my mom’s wake is going on until we finally said our goodbyes. They see me as mom’s carbon copy, physically and some of her mannerisms, ability and the like. Just when everybody thought that I am that strong, that I have a hard heart but what others didn’t know, I am so weak emotionally. i always have a late reaction to all the things that is happening in my life especially when it comes to emotions and my feelings. My life has been closed in the past, I refrained from sharing my emotions it’s not because that I am afraid of rejection but it is just a choice to keep it. Now, it is my choice the same to open everything in my life, I guess it’s about time to share what I have been through to lessen the pain I am feeling now.