Tele help anong totoo

Hala paano ba ito, ano ba talaga ang totoo? Patulong po ako. Hehe

Nagkagulo kami ngayon sa skwelahan dahil sa practicum na yan. Tan-enah lang! nasa listahan ako ng 50-50 futaaaahh! Hahaha oo pangalawang course ko na ito pero sumabit ako sa religious studies na subject lang at dalawang minors na magkaiba ang descriptive title sa previous course ko.

Hindi pweding hindi ako makapagpracticum, sinasabi ko talaga! Hahaha magkakagulo na kung magkakagulo. Charots.

Na-alala ko nong una kong pasok sa korsong social work na yan, agad-agad may gulo na inayos dahil nagkaron ng gatongan ng situation at dahil para sa kanilang lahat ako ang “ate” nila kaya sumbong ang peg nila na inaapi daw sila sa department. Pwes ako naman, at ang tingin ko sa situationg nanyari that time, nasa lugar kami kaya sugod talaga ako doon sa stage at kinausap yong president ng school bakit pinatayan ng AVP ang social work tapos ang ibang kors tuloy pa rin kahit lagpas nan g 5 minutes na usapan.

Ang nangyari? Punta ng DSA for disciplinary action. Bwahaha itong Dean namin dati naman naniniwala na may mali nga sa student government policy sa activity campaign that time kaya siya ang unang sumugod sa DSA at may text brigade talagang nangyari, labas lahat ang mga social work students at boom walang magawa yong head kundi pakinggan kami at harapin at magexplain sa loophole na nangyari sa campaign activity.

Ngayon? Pwes. Ano ba ang tama? Haha ang nasa isip ko, susugod na ako kay sister president para i-allow kaming magpracticum kahit may natirang subjects pa, ayaw kasi nong bagong dean sa social work kasi daw kesyo nasa manual, it’s the rules, it’s the policy etc ect kung anong ek-ek pa.  eh yong old dean namin, she allowed it as long as it won't affect the hours needed (500 hours per sem) at dapat icomply ang number of hours. 9 units nalang yong eenrol namin this 1^st sem, that’s only research and field practicum. Kasi kapag kay sister president na, wala ng magawa yong dean namin I think. Nagiisip na ako ng masama now, hahaha gagamitin ang manipulation skills nito. Paker talaga. I won’t do that. Promise. lol

So pwedi naman magload diba kapag graduating kana? Tama ba? Yong cut off ng grades namin eh 2.25, kapag nagkaron ka ng 2.5 sa mga major subjects mo, babalikan mo talaga yan. Ang alam ko sa old course ko, architecture kahit 32 units basta graduating ka pweding pwedi yon. Eh bakit nagkakaganito ngayon? Naman! Nasa list pa ako talaga na 50-50 pero iniisip ko na I will attract na makakapagpracticum nako talaga this june dahil kundi pasasabogin ko na talaga ang school. Jowk. Pero hindi, kasi I can’t wait anymore. Hindi ko lang alam anong diskarte ang gagawin ko sa situation ko. paken syets.

Basta she (our sw dean) won’t allow those na may natirang subjects pa. gusto niya clear ang lahat na 9 units lang talaga. Ano ba ang masabi ng ched nito? Ano ba ang rules? Hindi na kasi ako updated sa new rules ng ched on this. Kasi as far as I know, sasabihin ng ched niyan na sa school na kami makikipagayos. Ano ba talaga ang totoo? Hehehe salamat.

 

Tele-Reality-OBWard-SuiteRoom

I had this conversation kahapon with my officemate na bagong panganak. Kagabi and kanina umaga, yong rants ni sissy sa hospital – ob ward.

May malaking difference nga ang mayaman at mahirap.

Marami diba? You can count it sa fingers niyo yan.

Sa career ko, ang mga mahirap madalas kong naririnig magsalita. Alam kong totoo ang hirap nila sa buhay pero ang tanong, ano ba ginawa ng gobyerno para sa kanila. Sa totoo lang, meron naman, may maganda at hindi maganda din naman.

Pero nasa tao lang talaga yan paano niya harapin ang buhay niya, ang pagkakataon na binigay sa kanila para umasenso, hindi kasalanan ng gobyerno kung bakit mahirap ang tao.  Kung may kasalanan ang gobyerno, yon ang cutting of cost or I’ll say na may budget para sana sa mga facilities lalo na sa government hospital pero hindi nabibigay ayon sa ano ang na-approved. (ma-shoot to kill talaga ako nito lol)

Si officemate, witness na witness niya na sa loob ng delivery room, sinisigawan at pinapagalitan lang ang mga babaeng nanganganak na tumahimik lalo na yong hindi kutis mayaman (swerte si officemate kasi maputi). Sa ob-ward naman daw, sa isang bed may 2 or 3 na pasyente with the babies. May hindi nakakabili ng diaper at kahit gatas, lalo na pambayad ng hospital. It’s true.

Si kapatid, galing ng suite room sa hospital na yan. Oo suite room pero totyal ang pasyente dahil hindi na namomoblema ang mga nurse sa mga nireseta ng doctor. Lahat andon na daw. si sissy ngayon after 3 months, nilapat sa ob-ward. Bumulagta sa kanya lalo anong hirap meron sa ob-ward at anong hirap meron talaga ang mahirap.

Na-tats ako kanina dahil nagkwento siya. Dumaldal. Madaldal din kapatid ko at walang dudang magkapatid talaga kami hahaha

Ang mga pasyente sa suite room, kapag nasaktan dahil hindi ka marunong magpasok ng IV, halah at lagot na kasi itatanong daw ang pangalan mo at may “reprimand” drama agad-agad. Sa ob-ward naman daw walang reklamo ang pasyente. Si kapatid may training sa IV therapy kaya maswerte ang kanyang pasyente daw dahil she said as much as possible ayaw niyang may sakit maramdaman ang kanyang pasyente.

Ngayon, may isang pasyente kahapon daw na yong haba ng needle na kailangan itusok sa mukha ng pwet eh kasing haba ng mga 3 or 4 inches ba yon. Ang sabi nong pasyente sa kanya na sabay hawak sa kamay ni kapatid daw “maam, iba talaga kapag yong nurse eh may extra care sa pasyente kasi in pain na ako dito pero nababawasan dahil binibigyan mo halaga ang pakiramdam ko” gusto kong sumabog sa narinig ko, naiiyak na ako sa kwento ni sissy kaya naligo nalang ako lol

May mga bagay sa ating buhay na minsan kailangan dumaan tayo sa problema para maintindihan natin ano ang pakiramdam ng ibang tao lalo na kapag halos magkapareho ang situation. Hindi tayo effective sa ating mga profession o sa sariling buhay natin kung hindi tayo nadapa, nasaktan at naranasan ang minsan maging pasyente, maging mahirap at naapi.

Wag masamain ang mga pagsubok na dumaan sa ating buhay dahil its clear na may mga rason kung bakit nangyari ang mga ito. Harapin at labanan kung ano man ang iyong pinagdaanan, isipin na kung yan ang problema mo ngayon, kumusta naman ang may problema sa baga? Atay? Heart? Na nagbibilang nalang ng oras dito sa mundo, ang mga taong walang makakain na naghahanap lang sa basura. Kaya mo kayang tumayo sa paa nila kung magrereklamo ka sa problemang meron ka ngayon? Kaya maging matatag ka, lahat ay kaya nating lampasan, with all the prayers, sure why not!

P.S.

dual slash split personality lang ang peg ko haha lol shhh tatahimik na ako promise

Isang araw balang araw

Nuh!! it’s a long week for me, started all my majors and still trying to fix my schedule for this semester. This is gonna be a tough semester with 6 majors and 4 minors. Goodluck to me! Lesson to keep now is how to balance my time, learn to have stress management though I’ve been watching movie series or movie as my stress management and that helps me rejuvenate.

It was Thursday when my teacher announced that we finally have a book to use for the medical social work subject (super happy kami sabay clap our hands and even we prayed to thanked that book!!! amay-ober that moment!! bohahaha) courtesy of my classmate too who happen to have an aunt in one of the government hospital in this city, who is also the head of the medical social services, we secretly grab the book for photocopy, the book is exclusive for the hospital and even before I know na bawal ipotocopy ang libro para pag-aralan dahil yon daw ang sabi ng head ng DOH ba yon. Madamot sila! Lels!!

377 pesos ang worth ng photocopy sa librong yon, makapal! Tan-ena! how will I finish to read that book, ang dami pang nakapila!! Bakit ba!! Kasalanan ko na dahil enter ng enter ako sa korsong to! Hahaha you know why I talked about this? Kasi before, the first course na kinuha ko, at hindi ako naging successful dahil sumuka na ako, maganda ang libro ko noon, hard bound, glossy, with a lot of pictures pa, sikat at mahal pero I never opened and read those books. Tamad talaga ako, since bata pa! bohahaha Ngayon dahil kulang ang resources namin, walang Filipino author na nagpaka-batman to make a book for the young social workers sa pilipinas dahil kapag social worker ka sobrang busy ka, halos wala ka ng oras sa pamilya dahil sa dedikasyon sa trabaho! Over na over! Maniwala ka! Totoo yon! isang araw balang araw wag naman sana mangyari sa akin ang ganyan ka-busy! hahaha 

Lumang libro at author ang pinagtyagaan namin, kung noon ang sarap ng libro ko, maganda tingnan, dekalidad ang mga author dahil mga foreigner, ngayon to compare it, mas binigyan ko ng importance to read books out from photocopies nalang! Hahaha napaka IRONIC to me! Because when I have good and great books, I don’t scan them, now we only have photocopies, mas nagtyaga ako! Tan-ena! hahaha I just don’t have a choice dahil sa tan-enang expectation na yan kaya kailangan laging handa!! Hahaha at kailangan maabot ko ang pangarap kong maging tulad ni d-soliman balang araw!!! Bohahaha

Libro over YOU

Libro? There are a lot of people na sobrang galing when it comes to memorizing the books, lessons, theories, principles, etc. pero pagdating sa real na buhay? Bagsak! Books are only our basis, foundation of learning, but experience is the best teacher of all. I am not intelligent but I know i can do something beyond what I read in books and what my teachers taught me in school. Minsan it's in our values also on how we treat other people, how we learn in life. my course? This represents reality, true to life stories and real sentiments of the people..

I hate reading books but I have to dahil mataas ang expectation ng ibang tao sa akin, yes, I don’t have to live up with that expectations but para na rin sa sarili ko, ayokong mapahiya! I am older, mga teenager yong mga classmates ko, I am working in the government in an agency where this course will put me. They are really expecting that alam ko kahit I know for myself na hindi lahat ng bagay ay alam ko at kaya ko.

here’s one to ponder…

a boy came home from school, he got an excellent award in English from his teacher, he told his daddy about it. This boy had a Spanish yaya named maria, the boy told his yaya na may ganitong award ka ba? And the yaya noded. The boy asked his yaya again, do you know how to speak English well? Again his yaya, noded. The boy went back to his daddy and sabi niya, I am good, I am the best and why is it maria doesn’t know how to speak in English? she is old, she must know it.

His dad went to the library with the boy…

The father grabbed a book in his shelf, he opened it and ask the boy, do you know how to read this? The boy answered, NO! sabi ng daddy niya, you know how to speak in English, maria doesn’t, but maria knows to speak in Spanish very well and you don’t. The boy was silent…

This means that hindi lahat ng bagay ay alam natin, we have our own strength but we also have our weaknesses. We may be good at some things but not for all the things. Yan ang totoo sa buhay, it’s not because you are good in science, magaling ka na gumawa ng drugs! Lels! Hahaha that boy realized it and kapag may achievement yong boy, he always remembered maria dahil hindi lahat ng bagay ay magaling tayo!

 

How will you understand them?

One of the challenges I encountered every day in my life especially in the office is yong you are talking to different people and hearing different sentiments in their life, I may say we have problems but if we look into the bigger picture, there are more na mas mabigat at mahirap ang problema if you are just sensitive enough to lend your ears.

There are a lot of cases every day, there are also common, but one thing I assure you is, they have different stories. You know, if you are a psychology graduate or studying psych, social work or even sociology you will understand most of the things that Is happening around us, we are sensitive to things, situations and even our own family situations, we are very careful to that. But to those na walang background, it doesn’t matter at all, other people in the rural to be specific, their only priority is mapakain ng tatlong beses ang pamilya nila in one day, swerte na yon if three meals na.

I met a lot of people already, mayaman at mahirap, pero isa lang ang narealize ko all this time working, pare-pareho tayo ng nararamdaman when our immediate family goes to the hospital, walang mahirap at mayaman if you have a deadly disease. The difference between the government hospital and the private, it’s too big, pero hindi lahat ng nakaprivate hospital, lahat nakakabayad, dahil sa laki ng bill, kailangan mangutang or magsangla ng property para mailabas ang kanilang pasyente. Sa government naman, maliit ang bayad, madami ka pang pweding puntahan to pay the remaining amount of the bill pero kailangan mong mag-tiis at makipagsiksikan sa hospital.

One of the most challenging cases I have handled is yong nag-lalabor, young age, teenager, may ka-live in partner at ang haharap sayo, mga magulang pa rin nila and when you ask them a question “how old are you nanay when you had your first child?!” ang sagot “kasing edad ng anak kong nanganak, mam!” history repeats itself?! tama ba ako? Oo kasi yon ang nakikita nila, yon ang naririnig nila and these children thought that it’s right, minsan ang iba they made an excuse na hiwalay ang magulang at kailangan nila ng kasama. Ikaw, pano mo isipin ang ganyang situation? Is it acceptable? Reasonable? Justifiable? Ako, depende yan, kasi there are cases naman na rape victim, nabuntis, hindi acceptable pero walang may gustong ma-rape!

May mas challenging at nakakainis sa lahat, 42 years old, gave labor to her 13^th child, kasabay ang anak niyang naglalabor din for her 1^st child, means apo na niya yon. Ngayon, kaya  mo bang intindihin ang mga taong tulad nila? Then the person na haharap sa’yo is yong tatay na parang wala lang, they don’t even think of ano ang ipapakain nila sa anak nila. They are just one of those kind of people na na-eencounter ko every day sa buhay ko, this gave me the reason to aim more, dream hard para one day, I know I can’t change the world, I can’t change everything but at least I could share something that is worth to live in this world.

Inggit ka lang

Ano kaya ang meron why I feel betrayed? I almost about to reach my dreams pero you are trying to pull me down, you are manipulating everybody, you appear to be the person na laging tama and you always believe na kaya mo ang lahat! i don’t want to attend with that emotion but sometimes you are doing something that proves na sinasadya mo! I don’t mind it but I can see it with my two eyes and hear it from my hears kung ano ang ginagawa mo. We all have our dreams and I am clean to say that I don’t have any intentions of pulling other people to make myself na maging mas mataas because I know we have our own way to cross.

I come this far and there is no way of stepping back, all I know sa sarili ko now is that bahala na, just do what you want to do to pull me down, wala akong pakialam naman. I know what I can do, I know how far I will go and  I won’t give up no matter what. It’s almost there oh! Aatras pa ba ako? I know one day, I will be better than you, mas mataas pa makukuha ko if I am going to continue what I have started. There’s no one can stop me from what I am doing, I love the life I have right now and all my efforts will be paid off one day. I trust myself more this time and I will stand for that.

I know who are true and who are not, and I believe that secretly you are trying to crash me. Ok na ok sayo if you need a favour, gusto mo ikaw ang laging kinakaawan, sa totoo lang ikaw ang kawawa, dahil isang dakilang plastic ka! Hahaha lels! Dapat sa mga taong tulad mo, nililibing! Sinasaksak! Hahaha I am just waiting for the right moment na masabi ko sayo lahat ang yan, sa panahon na kaya ko ng ipagmalaki ang pangarap ko at paninindigan ko sa buhay! It will not take long. Basta ang alam ko,  you reap what you sow. Tandaan yan!

Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

Soft inside hard outside

I tried to rationalize everything that is happening in my life. This is my way of coping up, it worked for me, oo nag-work and nagstand out ako but sometimes I could still feel the pain inside me, I just don’t want to show it, I don’t even say it because knowing myself na matapang, pinanindigan ko talaga yan! I am strong pero mas mabilis akong umiyak! Mind you! Lels!! Hahaha I don’t know why ganon, maybe it’s already inside my heart na super soft ako pero hard lang akong tingnan! Hahaha

I was hurt and I tried to fight that, I cried and that’s enough for now. I understand that if its not meant to be, then its not. There are really things in life na hindi talaga pwede, we just need to accept that, it will hurt us but this will help us to grow, to believe in second chances. Slowly I am trying to understand myself, I learn to love myself even more because if I am not this strong matagal na siguro akong bumigay, with those problems na dinaanan ko at ng pamilya ko it made me stronger, mas nagiging fighter din ako when mom died. I stood for the family no matter what, kung dati I don’t speak, I don’t say what’s in my heart, ngayon all those things na hindi ko nagawa noon, I am doing it now.

At this stage in my life, ang daming nareveal na ugali na hindi ko nakita noon, and I am seeing my mother sa mga ugali ko ngayon, maybe because I grew up seeing her always, the success sa career niya, how to handle people na may problema at kailangan maging matapang ka everytime you listen to their problems. When I studied social work, life changed and i am more appreciative this time, I kept myself on the ground, I refrain from judging people and lahat ng yon nakita ko rin sa mommy ko, that’s why after a long journey sa buhay ko, I stand to follow her profession, to believe in change and to touch the lives of the people and that change won’t be possible to others if you don’t start it within you.

We are all going there... old age.

One afternoon of October 4, 2012, i was going to school and I come to pass by an old lola in the corner of the street who is trying to fix something, she tried to bend as she could to reach the newspaper with her faeces inside and that really strikes me a lot. The moment I saw the lola, i shook my head and there’s a lot of questions poke my head that I myself could not even answer for I know there are a lot of possible reasons to my questions. I was really hurt seeing far behind the lola who is helping herself to fix the mess that I myself can’t help her. I know she could still think of cleaning it before she will be reprimanded by some authority and she has no choice but she has to do it by herself. 

I don’t know who’s to blame, we don’t even know what’s really the reason behind why that lola is on the street. One thing I know with our Filipino culture, we are obliged to take care of our parents and grandparents, we may have something to give or doesn’t have at all. It is part of our values also that has been instilled that no matter what, we have to attend them. It really strikes me until now, It was one of the social issues that open my eyes to reality that gave me some hint on what I can do more in the future and with the profession I have chosen.

If only their voices have been heard, I know how happy they will feel when they know that before they die they are secured already. Everybody is going to where they are now, I don’t think each individual can afford to be like them, sleeping on the streets without blanket, they eat once a day and has no bed to take a rest. I don’t know why government cover their eyes and ears on this matter; I don’t think they still have to wait that somebody will raise that issue to give these street grandparents a home to stay. They just don’t want it because they can’t use or help for their political or electoral agenda. But their prayer does!! Mom told me once “kapag bata nasa daan, madaming pupulot, pero kapag matanda, wala!” and now that I have grown up, I certainly agree to my mother.

Time to change

i need to change everything in my blog from banner to the background. i just don't know how to do it. i hope there could be an angel who drops off in my blog and share his/her idea how to make one. i am also still waiting for my application in cdo bloggers, well its fun i think, i just need to be so busy in everything so i will not be able to attend too much on myself. i think it's time to work on the community and listen to what the society's need. 

Taking step forward

I woke up half-hearted. I couldn’t explain the exact reason why, I just felt that my heart now is heavy probably there’s one person I want to comfort me, the smile would mean a lot. Choosing the life I have now will change my life forever and my future either. I know this is all I want, my dreams to be pursued. I wanted to finish the race I have promised to my late mom and I am keeping it for now. I am happy with the life I had but still it feels like there’s still missing but maybe this is just a temporary feeling until everything is over and gone. What’s keeping me busy now is my job, my studies and my dreams as well. There’s a lot to sacrifice in life and I want to feel every moment I am learning those discoveries i encounter as I walk in my journey. 

For now I know I made a right decision of pursuing what I really want in life. I still love my mom even if she already passed away, having this dreams I am doing now is one proof that my love will never stop and I am going to finish her race the same. When she died, it was my turning point and I am starting to change my life, the life I used to have and I learn to dream more than what I know I can. I know this feeling will pass through it’s time but now I just couldn’t help it and I am trying to keep myself busy chattering on social network, connecting old friends and learning to break the wall inside me. I wanted to cry to release everything I have in my heart now but i want to do it in a place where all I can see is all color green, the trees and bushes, I even wanted to run after the cows, chicken and experience for a while to roam around in a flower field, I think that will help me lift my spirit back.

Life has to move forward every day and we need not to stop just because we are confused, stressed out, hurt and frustrated, this is hard I know when I felt like the world is on me, the pain can’t get out in my heart and a lot of thoughts in my brain. It’s over I know and life has to start again. 

Hiatus

Wow just i have thought that na kaya kong isabay ang mag-aral, magwork, magblog, diyos ko lord ang super hirap!! i've been so busy the last semester then dagdag pa ang summer classes na todo dugo na ang pwet ko kakaupo dahil as much as possible ayoko mag-absent. well i don't know how far i will go sa blogging career ko (megenun talagang kerer!! haha) nakakamiss na rin magblog, magkwento sa araw mo-masaya or galit at inis ka man at may ibang taong hindi mo kilala na nagbabasa sa blog mo at a simple comment from them will make you smile, that's a simple thing but it is kinda a big thing to you already. so much i wanted to update my blogsite, tell all the things happened in my life kaso hindi ko na na-aasikaso, nabebehind na ako sa ano ang latest sa blogsphere. ngayon, i could say na nakakapagpahinga ako kasi i have my weekend back, no hassle, no more worries to think of, no classes yet and nakabawi na rin ako ng tulog. ang aasikasuhin ko na talaga ngayon promise totoo na 'to ang pagpapayat na!! hahaha 

Tatlong araw na nawala ako

It has been a long weekend for me, I took the 9 hours class last Saturday and my brain starts to deplete. It’s good that after class I joined my friends to unwind and went home by 1 in the morning I think. The whole Sunday, TULOG ako!! Hahaha yesterday was draining the same. I took my two major exam and the fuck!!! Dugong dugo yong utak ko!!

Bago ako nagtake ng exam kumain pa ako sa chowking at guess what nag-halo2x ulit ako, ng matapos ang exam ko punyets! Sa sobrang pagod ng utak ko nawala ang kinain kong worth 150php hahaha and I went to Jollibee to order one chicken burger with extra large fries and large pineapple, at kinarir kong kainin magisa yon!! Hahaha nawawala ang diet ko puteks!! Hahaha

I went home na sobrang pagod na pagod pa rin ako so I decided to sleep early. Today, I feel so fresh parang bagong bago na naman ang araw ko  ngayon. Mahirap talaga abotin ang isang pangarap ano pero once it’s already there, I know it’s all worth the wait din naman! 

i understand yet i'm confused

If I wasn’t able to take up the course of social work now, probably hindi ganito kabangag ang utak ko ngayon!! I have been so confused in my career and life now after studying the theories. Nauna kasi ang field practice ko bago ko nalaman ang theories, meaning nakapagtrabaho ako sa social welfare office before I decided to take up social work course. But one of the biggest reason why I took up the course because I wanted to follow my mom’s legacy and on the other side as I have mentioned in the previous post I had, there are personal and professional issues I wanted to finish.

If I was too assertive noon sa work ko, ngayon parang I got bored already. Kung noon kaya ko makipagusap sa tao kahit higit sampu sa isang araw and puro problema ang pinaguusapan niyo ngayon parang ewan hindi ko alam I am really confused yon talaga ang nafefeel ko!! I took a break already, walang trabaho and walang school lessons kasi nagkasakit ako pero when I got back to the world I used to have, ganon at ganon pa rin ang feeling ko. (kailangan ko na atang magpacounseling nito lol)

Knowing the deeper thought of social work, I have realized that it is not just a matter of helping people but a better understanding in every situation that we have in our life. Hindi naman ako pagod sa work ko, ito ang passion ko at I know ito ang gusto ko pero there’s something behind this, hindi ko lang siguro na-eexpress kung ano or hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano nga ba talaga, noon I found my contentment in life ngayon hindi ko na nararamdaman yon, even satisfaction in work, wala na rin ako, I felt like I already grew up and I still want more of what I am doing now.

Isumpa ko na kaya ang social work na course ano?! Hahaha punyets talaga!! Lumubo utak ko ng malaman ko ang mga katotohanan sa paligid natin!! I understand yet I am confused, pano ko ijujustify yan? =(

That old man moved me

old Archive: This the moment i never forget in my life, the moment wherein i was moved by a stranger.

As what I have said in my previous post that my life’s experience is not that much but not that less. Each of us has its story to tell. Living day to day, we encountered walks of life, different situations, and different problems. I won’t say that I am matured enough in some facet of our life because some part of me I still wish I am a kid. A kid who can just play around and by not thinking of what life can bring ahead of us, what future lies within. Let’s face reality anyway! We are not getting any younger and we are looking forward for the future we want it to happen, life is not easy and we have to live by it. Here’s a personal experience from one of the client I interviewed months ago that helped me in some way to reflect.

An old man came to the office and presents the list of medicines for his wife. His wife is at the hospital, he is seeking for assistance from any agency of the government where he may able to get a few for his sick wife. I asked him how many children he has and he answered me he got only one but a disabled and was diagnosed with schizophrenia (A several psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social contact). He said he left his daughter in the neighborhood to look after since he is in the hospital busy attending his sick wife. Their family is unable to sustain the need due to family’s scant resources. Unstable income from Farming can barely make both ends meet. They cannot reap even a little help from closer relatives who are also living in hardships under the sun. Unfortunately, their town (their town is almost 2 hours from the hospital) was hit by a typhoon. He felt anxious and I wasn’t able to speak for a while, a tear fall from his eyes and said “where do I go now?” “What am I going to do?” I took a deep breathe and I thanked God I was able to answer his two questions; I was able to find a solutions where he can get the medicines and other needs for his wife. I thought that was the end, when he is about to leave the office and asked me “[mam, ikaw ba naa sa akong situation unsa akong unahon, ang akong asawa naa sa hospital or akong anak nga buang naa sa among munisipyo]” “(mam, if you were in my situation, what will I attend first, my sick wife or my disabled daughter?)” BOOM! I paused and I took a deep breathe, I was looking at him without saying any word, that moment what I had in mind is that “what if I am in his shoes, what am I going to do?” – it took a while I wasn’t able to speak up that he comes to understand that I have no answer for his question, I smiled at him, I stood up and tap his shoulder but deep inside me I feel fret. I was struck with his question. Then he finally left with “sige mam, salamat.” As he closes the door, I said to my officemates “hala!” and I think that point in time that’s the least thing I can say. 

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.

It was late at night already, I planned to review and read my notes again for tomorrow’s prelim exam for economics and I just thought for a while to scan some files on my desktop where I have found the old pictures of one foundation where my mom was a part of implementing that institution. I have believed that she imparted her professional commitment, values and time to those neglected kids even how busy she was. Probably, those kids now, they are all grown-ups, they may have been owned a family, maybe.

I feel a little pressure in my life now because I know mom has given her vow to her profession though I know she’s not with us anymore but there are people still who believed that there would be someone in the family that will continue her legacy despite of the circumstances mom went through in her profession. They would always think of revenge but I don’t!  I am just bitter, yes.

I started to feel the anger, the hatred when I slowly take up the profession, when I have the chance to know the ethics of social work; it’s even getting harder every day. We’ve carried the pain for almost 15 years in my life! Memories reminded me what my mom was, subordinate and contemporaries of my mom helped me to trounce the pain but it’s not still enough I think. I know time heals but why can’t I feel that.

This is the moment of my life where I juggle to face the reality and acceptance. I kept myself all these years not to speak anything about the feelings that I had in the past but honestly I wanted to help myself to move on, to recover from that pain, disparity in life. I am in the process of knowing myself even better, I have forgiven those people whom have hurt my mom but the only thing that I asked God, I hope one day I will have the chance to talk to them when I am ready, when my heart says it’s about time. I wanted to voice out the pain that I have as a daughter that I hope their children will not encounter the pain I felt for the last 15 years.