Reality 10: That love of mine once...

I hate that feeling, really.

I can’t stop thinking of you, deym!!! Hearing back the song once again, it melted me. i just don’t know if sinasadya ng panahon na marinig ko yong kantang yon! Hammmp! Kaya ayoko sumakay ng taxi as much as possible dahil malamig ang mga kanta, walang rock bakit bah! Naman! Kapag sa jeep naman ako, all I have is my dreams, all I could think of is the life I want after I pass the board exam. Mga pangarap na minsan alam kong impossible pero gusto kong abotin at nakakalimutan kita sa pagkakataong yan.

Not to deny it, everyday kahit a second, oo I still thought of you. I am different with my feelings sa’yo dahil siguro naging ako nong tayo, I am not the person na ako ngayon yong madaming gusto sa buhay, madaming pangarap dahil when I was with you, simply lang ang lahat. Alam  ng diyos how I tried to forget you, not to love you anymore, not to miss you even more. So many times now I wanted to see you back again to know hanggang saan ba kaya ng puso ko tumayo na mag-isa pero hindi ko kaya. I am okay na ganito, wala akong narinig, wala akong alam, parang ok na ako na ang alam ko puro magandang alaala ang natira sakin. I tried not to cry this thing out again pero my geeedd!! I can’t help it, my heart is going to explode.

Confused na naman ako dahil alam kong pinandigan ko ang decision ko, pero malapit na rin mag-isang taon at ganito pa rin ang nararamdaman ko, OO handa na akong magmahal ulit, magcommit, magpakatanga once again lol pero paano nga ba kung may natitirang ganitong feeling pa? puchek! I had the best years with you and I am afraid hindi kayanin ng darating na malagpasan ang ano man ang meron between us. laging sinasabi ng lahat na mas higit pa ang darating sa nawala sayo. Ang nasa utak ko “talaga? Paano nga ba?”

I hate the feeling when I remember you, when I miss you…

I am not hoping anymore, I am not thinking anymore of being together once again, I just maybe need to live my life the way it is now, I maybe live some of those memories but we can’t turn back everything. This is my now and I have to live with that.

hooo! maygeewwdd!! i wanted to cry out loud again!!!! =(

Isang huling iyak daw

After I posted my last entry, I tried to open my winamp and boom! Boom! Suddenly it’s a love song! Bohahaha one last cry ang drama ni winamp! Tan-ena! i forgot to change my playlist earlier while Im in the office. The music is trying to change my mood after being “a little angry” mood kanina. Probably this will lead to drama! Walang funny sa one last cry! Hahaha I did that, I really did that but there’s still pain inside my heart that I couldn’t explain it, I can’t even express it. I am not lonely, I am not sad, maybe I am just hurt and I accepted that feeling.

I told you, maging madamdamin na ang post nato dahil sa lintik na one last cry na yan! Bohahaha I wanted to laugh about it pero seriously if only alam niya how much I am missing the old days, the old us, killing me softly ang dating ng feeling na yan! (saksakin ang puso!!) hindi ko rin pweding tapatan ng kanta ni dingdong avanzado ba? The “why can’t it be”  because hindi nga talaga pwedi! Tatanga tanga ako kapag go ng go go ako! This emotion is just temporary, I will go through this, I still have a life and a dream to reach. Kaya ko ‘to! Hahaha kebs na!!

Medyo matagal din na hindi ako nakinig sa playlist nato, tambak! Tinago at  nilibing! Hinukay ko para malaman saan na ba ang puso ko!! Charus!! Hahaha pero ang totoo I still feel the pain! Heeeww! I am trying, I keep on telling myself na kaya ko to! I did this before, I can still do this now! maybe one day, I will lose my feelings but I always remember how great it was. Hanggang doon nalang!! Tapos ang usapan! Lels!!

Mom is just around, i know.

Since mom left us, the three of us, yesterday, I, my father and sissy went to another comfort zone. My father drives to his brother to play chess, my sister went to my mother’s only and younger sister (just back of our house) and I, left alone at home. It’s been a year and a half since mom died and I could still feel her around the house, or maybe because when she was still alive, I used to have that feeling even if I kept myself inside my room most of the time, I know she’s just outside reading or taking her cup of tea. Now, sitting on my bed inside my room, reading blogs or updating fb status, my feeling doesn’t change at all, she’s still outside sitting on her favourite chair. I can’t let go of that feeling yet, not now or maybe not ever.

While growing up, I understand why mom keep on banging us, what I am now it is because of the love and values she taught us. Most of the people will tell I have a strong personality, so as my mom, strong but we both have a soft spot in our hearts, it just doesn’t show. Just dig and you will know. It’s always true to tell about “kung ano puno ay siya ring bunga!” and my father, sissy and I take that as a joke like “walang mangga magkaroon ng bunga na bayabas!” so much of avoidance, I still follow my mom’s footstep after all this time. It’s been a long search of myself, a long journey before I came to realize that this is what I want to be in my life, to be a registered social worker just like my mom. I am happy of what I become now, the people that surround me gave me enough strength to go on with my dreams and make that dream come true.

One day, I know mom will be happy with the choice I made in my life, the road I walk into and to continue her legacy. I always know I can do more than what she did because she believes in that, she always tells me that. I grew up believing that one day, I can do better than what I just saw and heard from my mother. Whatever I did now, this is because she gave me the strength to pursue the life I deserve.

I am not holding up

It’s been a while since I decided not to know anything about you, I don’t want to feel that pain again. I don’t want to get hurt, I am afraid of what will I know either. I’d rather escape it than passing through all over again. It has been a tough semester to me this year, I’ve gone through a lot already and I don’t know if I can still hold on, even if I am that strong as what you think, I could give in, I am just human, I get tired, I get lost, I get weak. I don’t have magic to change what I felt, it’s in there, I can’t run away from that.

I know it’s hurting me a lot, I am feeling it and I even understand it but it’s still killing me. My heart is getting weak, my mind keep telling my heart that there’s no other way to forget everything but to accept and be ready to let it go, yes, but how? when? I don’t know whom to get angry, what to angry about. I just couldn’t understand what the hell is going on with me now. I am trying to apply what I learnt in class but my emotion is pulling me back. I really understand that there’s no turning back, that it is not right anymore, that it couldn’t be yet I still remain in distress.  

I am not bitter, I just probably felt that “sayang” because I know how we’ve been, how we’ve exchange our hearts all this time and clash attitudes that knows how to meet half way, the kindness and too much understanding between us, believing that communication is the best foundation in any kind of relationship and fails in trusting each other.

I don’t know how long I will be holding this up. How I wish I am ready to let go of you, to re-open my heart to new possibilities, to a dream that I will be reaching alone. I know there’s always a reason in everything but this caused me too much pain already that I could no longer bare it. I know I can make it through time, only that I cannot wait for too long. 

I never stop loving

Sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves, we need to go back in the past in order to understand all the things that is happening to us right now, we need to reflect in order to do more what we think we can do.

When you lost a person in your life, you will realize that life is short. You will tend to ask yourself what were the good deeds you do to others. Am I ready to face God when the time of my death arrives? But you know what, when my mom died, what comes first into my mind when I heard the doctor says “time of death” – does the values mom gave us is enough already for us to face the world without her? Yes, I really thought of that, because in our family, family values are one of the important aspects we need to look up to. The words of my mother is the same words with my uncles (her brothers), me and my sister’s thoughts or perspective on the way we see life is the same with my cousins (her brother’s sons’ and daughters’). We are all seeing realities in life, we deal with what is the truth about life and that help me to endure all the problems in time.

I am not expressive, I may be too silent with my feelings in the past but when social work nurtured me to speak up, I have learned to voice out everything, it may be that I am mad or happy, I learned to open myself to the reality, sometimes we need to say what’s in our heart, good or bad, so the pain won’t dwell in your heart. Take some time to let your heart breathe.

When I lost my mom, I tried the best I could to stand for my family, for my father and sister. I am not my mother, I am not even trying to be my mother but all I can do is to be me as a person I know. But, I am really my mother’s “replica” no matter how I try to avoid her mannerisms, behaviors, attitude, even the way she deliver her words of encouragement, to discuss matters on the table, her perspectives in life, it’s in me, it’s in my blood and veins, I could not get away from it. The more I discover about myself as I grow up, the more I understand who my mom is. I could no longer deny it that I ran into her footsteps after all this time.

I am missing my mom, of course, but I need to be strong not to miss her that much because it will definitely kill my emotions. I have a soft heart it just doesn’t show. i can still feel mom until now, I could still see her in my dreams, reminding of simple things I used to forget when she was still alive, whenever exams is approaching – she’s always sitting beside me in my dreams, when problems pop up – she keeps on ranting but I couldn’t hear it. I always tell she’s still here I just couldn’t see her. I believed in my instinct.  

If mom is still alive now, probably she won’t stop ranting us until we get the life we deserve it. mothers’ knows best and that is proven in time! 

The path i walked in

I’m going to break my heart one more time again. Sometimes I find it healthy to get hurt, to feel pain, be happy at all times. It’s life, it’s something to live with. It’s something to offer to yourself for us to grow up and learn from our mistakes. When I decided to pick up those shattered pieces in my life, I was firm with that decision, I was right then. My life now is turning into something I want. No fear, just little doubts.

I always remember my mom telling us always everyday “wala’y ga-una nga gabasol” and I appreciate that while I was growing up. At this point in my life, there are few regrets but I am making it sure now I could patch up everything, it may not be the same but at least it is almost. There are a lot of things I don’t want that others will take the same path like I did, but sometimes I think people has to go through a difficult times in order to appreciate what life is. Life could give us all the happiness in the world if we only know how to appreciate it.

I am not sure if there is somebody who could tell me that he or she is brave enough to stand without tears in letting your heart be freed just from the moment you started to feel the pain inside you that not even you can explain what kind of hurt you are feeling. I was like that once, I think, but I realized that it’s easier to let go when you can cry it out what’s in your heart, it’s easier to understand why sometimes we need to go through difficult times. We tend to ask a lot of questions, we want to know the answers right away because we are doubtful if we can pass through or not, all this time the lesson I have learned is to wait for the right time, perfect moment to come where we can tell that everything happens for a reason.

ECCD assignment caused my emotions

I paused for a while doing my “late” assignment for my elective-eccd subject as I have recalled the memories mom and dad created for me. It was a happy childhood, a perfect and healthy family. It’s too early mom left us, it’s not easy especially now that mom always wanted me take a big part to be in her profession which whatever achievements, frustrations, desperation, and happiness I have now she will never hear it, see it or appreciate it personally.

I have no choice but to stand in behalf of my mom, I am the eldest and I need to carry myself more than how my mom carried us through. I thought I am strong enough to carry all the pain in my heart but I am too weak everytime I remember the good deeds mom did to others that despite of being seriously committed to her profession, some people would destroy you because of positions they wanted to have it, insecurity could kill the person’s value and dignity. I am not yet over with them! That’s the honest answer I know now from my heart.

I still grieve and others may not see it or feel it but deep inside me I always think that mom is just around but when I think profoundly, I know she is not with us anymore. I sometimes caught myself to have mom’s ways of delivering wisdom, to have mom’s gestures and points of view in life. Physically I am my mom’s “carbon copy” we both have strong personality but people who really knew us inside and out they knew we were weak inside.

I am thankful enough that even how hard in my part emotionally to take up social work, there is already an acceptance of mistakes which I did in the past that surely I will never repeat the same mistakes again. I was just too weak to face the reality and my coping mechanism was too slow that I called it now as “I was been dysfunctional once.” with what I went through, it helped me now motivate, set my goals and I am getting my strength out of that mistakes.

I slowly understand why there are things in our life happened the way we don’t want it however, it helped us to be strong along the way and I already believed on “things always happens for a reason” we may not know the reason now but later of course we will find it out.

This is another battle of my life, another chapter to tackle with and I know whatever I have now is a big preparation of what I will be or what I will become in the future.