Beauty & Madness

Kailangan iplay tong kanta habang nagbabasa 

para mas ramdam ang blog entry! hahaha chos! 

Last night I couldn’t sleep and it’s 3 am in the morning approximately. I browse my computer files and one folder gave me so much confusion so I opened it, to my surprise, halos lumabas yong mata ko – im thinking at that moment “the fuck! Na-save ko ito?!” then the next thing happened was ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko, sumasakit ang tiyan ko, that’s the feeling na ayaw ko ng maramdaman chos! So, I read the files.

It was an email and some blog entry. Right now, how long it has been already? This is one of those I haven’t talked it about for years, I kept it. So like because I saw it, now I felt like it’s about time for me to talk about him. Maybe. He is one of us. Yes. I remember my jokes to some blogger friends na “uy! Masarap kaya na blogger yong bf mo!” deep inside of me, super yes but I just couldn’t say it, I don’t know, I tried to but I just don’t have enough guts to say it.

Two of us lasted for almost a year & it was all worth it. Why? We spent our days as if it’s our last. Distance was never an issue, hello technology it is. Until the day he came through that door of an airport. I was stunned & I couldn’t hold my breath & I got so afraid. That kind of fear I couldn’t explain, I just don’t know where to put all those feelings. I had a dream to reach at that time; my thoughts are running so fast, I couldn’t grasp it for a second either.  He simply hugged me like he is just hugging a big panda or a bear, we’ve been so best of friends, partners in all kinds but I broke down. I ran away from him for almost an hour, I came back where I left him and told him “parang I can’t go on! I don’t know, I couldn’t think, baka sobrang na-stunned ako, happy or I don’t know!” we talked and talked na parang walang mapupuntahan kasi that moment, sobrang na-block yong utak ko, na-blanko din ako, everything was so different coz nakikita ko siya, I can even hold him, different from what we used to have. With all his galit, dahil sa sobrang gulo ng utak ko, the following day, he decided to leave.

I thought that was an end of us. Again, we tried but I could still feel his pain through his blog entries. I know he was hurt that I couldn’t decide coz all he thought I am brave enough to stand and fight for what we had. I failed him. Days passed, when we had our fights, it’s painful already because may mura na, sisihan, kwentahan, sobrang abusive na at hindi ko na kinaya. I was studying & I tried to hold everything I could at that time, it was tough, a super hell ride. I kept it all by myself, all alone, I journeyed it. It was a failure of me that’s why hindi ko sinasabi.

One day, an old blogger friend asked me “are you still two okay?!” and I told him, I don’t know, why did you asked. He simply told me, I think you better check his blog & fb account. So I did. I found out that, he is busy preparing for their wedding sa babaeng nabuntis niya and his old friend. I paused & said to myself “ayy ganon?!” sa kagagahan ko I message him and said “congrats, finally, yong inasam asam mo!” I thought he will just say thank you pero epic failed dahil madaming mura ang inabot ko, sisi, sumabog ulit siya sa galit. So like ako, ok. I went offline for long.

I focused myself sa school, family & friends. I kept myself so busy na halos paguuwi ako biglang matutulog sa pagod. I have been happy with my friends that time too so kering keri. Until I received an email from him, telling everything behind sa pagpapakasal niya, sa buhay niya, sa galit niya. I didn’t have the courage to reply anymore or to say something (bumalik ang long time loved one at this time chos!) dahil I don’t want to feel na ginagago ko ang sarili ko or itong isang tao na bumalik, never na akong nagcare to reply pa. Yong ending din naman that year, double dead ako!

I know he’s just around in this corner sa blog na ito. If you able to read this, I just wanted to say sorry for all the pain I have caused you, for the promises I made and for the time and your dream to be wasted. The love I had for you was real & true. I never cheated you either like you always assume & claim it. Defense mo na kasi yon dahil alam mo na sa sarili mo na you are just pushing me away dahil you already had a new commitment. Years passed already & like you said “if it’s meant to be, kahit saan pa at ano pa, mangyayari!” I always remember that. I never replied to your email because I have no more reason to do that, this time, I held everything, as much as I could share everything I had inside, pinigilan ko na. You’ve made me a better person as well as I valued myself even more. Yes, I felt so betrayed but even so, I learned to trust. Whatever it is, I am happy for you & I am sincere with that. Thank you for everything, it was worth it, walang nasayang, coz we journeyed our life together.

 

Post Year-end breakaway

So this is just so late but I’m still going to make an entry, this year-end breakaway was one of the most annoying & a memorable one.

The first plan was going to “bantayan island” in Cebu City. Due to bagyong “RUBY” nasira daw yong island so like I said hmmm kasi hindi pa naging 26 ang katawan ko kaya hindi kami matutuloy!! A big charot!!! Hahaha so instead, we shifted going to Nasipit, Agusan del Norte where Imyang’s (one of my closest friends) provincial hometown.

The plan was the three of us (ako, bonjing, juan) will leave Cagayan de Oro City 6pm, December 26, 2014 para sure na darating kami ng before bonjing’s birthday (27^th of December) but there are a lot of changes, Juan cannot join us, I had personal reasons also before December 26, I decided not to go. Only bonjing was eager to travel and stayed there for at least a night, he said.

Just prior to all of that, I already talked to bonjing that “let’s surprise imyang, what do you think?!” he agreed on that. He lied and he is learning. Hahaha shhh. Imyang knew all along that I was in Bukidnon that day, I was very consistent of my tantrums that I won’t be going anymore. Still we stick to the plan, bonjing left 6pm that day on December 26 and I left earlier (around 3pm I think). Imyang thought that bonjing left 3pm in Cagayan de Oro because yon talaga pinalabas namin. The moment I told bonjing na umalis na  yong bus ko, that message was forwarded to imyang, assuming na he was the one who was on that bus. BUWIS BUHAY pa kasi I have mobile issues pa, yong battery ko ayaw makisama so on and off lang peg ko sa bus. 4 hours pa naman na byahe! Pakshets talaga! Hahaha I survived! Para-paraan lang yan! Hahaha

I arrived sa usapan around 8 na siguro yon, nagpanic ako kasi 2% nalang yong batt ko at hindi ko Makita si imyang yong sundo ko so like “wtf ang bilis ng karma! Hahaha” pagbaba ko kasi, mga 5 mins pa natigil yong bus kasi may umihi, at nakaharang ng bonnga yong bus, so nong umalis yong bus, diretso at agad kong nakita ang sundo ko! Hahaha fuck the magic dragon sa kaba ko that moment! Imyang was sitting on a motor vehicle across pala haaha she’s expecting na yong kuya bonjing niya ang dumating but yon ang surprise, I can still recall her face like “syet! Really?!” mga reaksyon na ganyan lang hahaha she paused for a minute and couldn’t explain how all those things happened like she thought nasa bukidnon na ako. Oh diba, sarap mangsurprise but I don’t like to be surprised! Hahaha

Sumakay na kami sa motor going sa kanila at huwaw ang layo! Hahaha totoo nga sabi niyang isla! Ang saya ng buhay! Malapit sa dagat kasi sila so abah, super rest house! Hahaha literally, nakaharap talaga sila sa dagat at may malaking cottage at yon sa ilalim yon na may tubig dagat na hahaha tuwang tuwang ako kasi hindi ka na makakakita ng ganon sa city kasi, life is so different in the province, one word “PAWIR!” hahaha So bonjing arrived just before his birthday, around 10 siguro, bitbit ang totoong cake I baked for his birthday para real happy birthday din hahaha

Midnight of December 27, 2014, we asked bonjing to pray instead of his wishes. Right after that I and imyang wished for him and we started to feel like a kid “lightning of candle, blowing of candle” hahaha on the other hand, video call ang peg ni juan para sabay-sabay pa rin kami sa birthday, (para-paraan nga yan! Hahaha) si juan sinindihan niya yong sparklers habang magbblow ng candle si bonjing, para lang ewan haha feeling nasa ibang bansa hahaha eh ano pa! right after pagblow syempre slicing of cake na meaning kainan na! hahaha and shhh… sleep mode na kami around 3am lol

We woke up late in the morning of December 27^th, the plan of going to the farm para kumuha ng buko at pupunta ng next municipality to visit ada, pumunta ng market para mamili, waley, walang nangyari ni isa. Hahaha kasi Imyang’s father arrived from work and invited us for a coffee sa cottage nila, yes coffee pero red horse yong nakaserve. Seryoso yan. Hahahaha that one was of the best breakfast I ever had sa buhay ko hahaha simpol but elegant nga yong motto non! Syet! Hahaha Prior to that pala, we went to buy some fresh bangus, sa kapitbahay lang nila, walking distance and relatives din. Yon ang nice sa province ano! Lol mas namangha ako nong nalaman kong 100 pesos lang yong kilo ng bangus at fresh na fresh pa, dahil kakaharvest lang. Doon din ako nakakakita ng perfect na inihaw na bangus – galling umihaw ng tatay ni imyang, super perfect, hindi sunog, golden brown talaga at super luto yong loob. The best din yong kinilaw, super tamis ng fish. If given the chance, babalik ako don hindi lang 2 days pero 1 week na talaga hahaha

The whole day of bonjing’s birthday, nasa cottage lang kami, kwentohan sa papang ni imyang at mamang niya. (ang tanda na namin ni bonjing pakinggan sa bagay na ito hahahaha) Bagets na bagets lang parents ni imyang! haha  may isang case ng red horse at masarap pala walang ice or sadyang masarap lang uminom don kasi super mahangin at presko pa, may bangus, may teka hindi ko alam if talaba ba yong kinain nila (di ako pede don, allergy galore!) buong araw all we did was to eat and drink, perfect na perfect ang birthday ni bonjing hahaha hanggang nakatulog na tatay ni imyang, kami ni bonjing parang nagkakape lang ng red horse hahaha hindi pa kami tapos, ayaw na kami kausapin ni imyang dahil syempre iba kami kapag nasa city, biglang transform kami don eh lol so the term im gonna used is “shocked!” kebs, she needs to deal with that hahaha

That night of 27^th, we went to Carmen, Agusan del Norte, Municipality before Nasipit, don yong famous municipal hall na puro may lights, I think na-featured na rin yon sa national news. Kahit ulan, go! Pagbalik namin hindi pa kami natapos, tinuloy namin yong natira na red horse. Syet ano! Hahaha mas masarap kasi super lamig dahil parating na rin si “seniang” non. Just until imyang fell asleep, gising pa rin kami ni bonjing, inom ng inom pa rin sabay coffee so ginawa lang ang kape na chaser at pulutan na chocolate cake! Hahaha taeh! Then we decided to sleep so late again.

Kinabukasan, again and again, we woke up late. Hahaha bonjing reminded me of a promised na ipagluluto ko siya ng “lauya” or pork stew/soup sa english kapag nasa Nasipit kami, all I though he forgot that, so naremember niya eh so napilitan! Charot! Hahaha so kind of mamang (mother of imyang) na she offered to go to the market instead of us para mamili. Ng makabalik si mamang, we prepared the ingredients, tadtad here and there, here’s bonjing again, naglabas ulit ng natira na red horse. So alam na! hahaha so bilis ng karma ko sa surprise-surprise dahil habang nagluluto na kami, I accidentally open the pressure cookerna akala ko pede na kasi hindi na cia maingay I even turned off the stove para mabilis yong pagbaba ng tubig sa loob, so?! Boom! Natapon sa kamay ko, so mukhang karne lang! hahaha thanks to the sensodyne toothpaste for the first aid and yong nakababad kamay ko sa basin na may ice. Honglamig na masakit di ko maintindihan! Syet! Hahaha (ang dami talaga mamamatay sa akala na yan! Hahaha)

Year 2014, I can’t remember any travel I had dahil super busy ang taon na yan for me, final requirements sa school, graduation by march, review by summer and board exam. Even though isa lang ang naging travel ko that year, parang I had more than enough because the most exciting and memorable sa year end break away ko was I have come to know a family na hindi ko na masyado nakikita, I admit it, even my own family was never the same since mom left so like sobrang na-appreciate ko yong nakilala ko ang family ni imyang with her siblings. Traditional family who live with modernity, kasi iba na mga teenagers ngayon and the family deals it rightly, ang maganda kasi din is the communication within. Mas na-aappreciate ko ang isang travel kapag may nakikilala akong tao who will give me an opportunity na Makita ang kagandahan ng buhay hindi lang yong lugar just like my travel nong sa isang kaibigan ko sa Santiago, Agusan del Norte pa rin year 2013 na nakilala ko rin yong family nila and it feels so different knowing a family during your travel.

I sincerely would like to thank you Sollano Family from Talisay, Nasipit, Agusan del Norte, to mamang and papang with the siblings, thank you for your hospitality, for allowing us to stay for couple of days in your rest house. Hehehe I enjoyed it so much! It is indeed a memorable one for me! The next lauya, dili na jud mubuto ang pressure cooker mang hahaha nakulang diay to ug saging ug mais mao tong feeling nako something nay kulang hehehe limot ko gyud haha Hope we will have more days in the next months to come. Imyang, Thank you too! You just made my year 2014 a great & memorable one!

  

Masakit sa panga na Birthday Special

Just before anything else, I assume to insert the song “ayokong tumanda” hahaha

It is a late birthday post! Yes nalang! Busy slight. Chos!

I can’t thanked enough those people who made my birthday a “real” happy birthday! Hahaha and a complete one. Those who greeted me through text, personal facebook & twitter, THANK YOU! You have been part of my special day & I will keep all your thoughts, wishes and messages.

Just before my birthday, I intentionally bake my chocolate moist cake – 3 days ago I think because “habang tumatagal, lalong sumasarap!” parang tanduay rum lang ang peg eh! Hahaha sa sobrang excited ko ata, I made a mistake hahaha so hindi naging flat ang cake, naging mukhang basin lang naman hahaha

My friends surprised me with a magic candle, just prior to that I was very anxious that they bought a candle na saktong edad ko talaga, it’s like I’ve been telling them “sige, I won’t blow that candle!” YEAH I am still in denial stage, be it! Wala naman yan sa edad eh, it’s just how you live your life! Hahaha (explain dot com haha)

So we had a wonderful intro birthday of lighting the sparklers! Yey! Then blowing of candles, I realized 5 secs after that hindi mauubos yong candle pala kasi nga magic candles! Nganga! Hahaha so I just keep on blowing it until I said that “ang sakit na ng panga ko!” hahaha sabay may shortness of breathe na! hahaha

Aside from the blowing of candles, laughter and smiles that moment, the most important lesson I learned was “time is very important” you’ll never know how long your family & friends will stay by your side, to make you laugh, smile and feel loved. Basta, masaya ako sa birthday ko & that’s it! I am making the most of my life!

Anyways, my birthday was full of realization also. Life is too short to waste, to worry and to dwell on something that does not belong anymore to your future as much as to your present. I have lost some of my gold in the year 2014 and everything just made sense today, I have gained so much, a diamond instead, very priceless and rare - & God made me realized on that day. Thank you to my ever dearest loved ones – Bonjing, Juan, Imyang, Mecmec and Adah. I don’t have to elaborate everything here, I have said enough already & a simple Thank you for making my birthday possible and a memorable one to all of us. I love you to the moon and back!

I can’t post those birthday presents coz u know my mobile is getting so old! Hahaha the file is in my mobile, I can’t retrieve it. Sarreeh! But really, thank you Bonjing for the motivation gift – sketch pad & frame of mount apo of davao (before 2020 ang target, we’ll be there together!! Haha) Thank you Imyang & ada for the sling bag & sandal – believe it or not ate poch said “how did they know ur taste?!” so like I said then, ur just guessing! Hahahaha and of course to juan for my quaker oats! Yeay! 2 pax so the pressure is so ON! Haha I love the face towel and spoon, that will be used while eating my oats hahaha charot!

THANK YOU again my loved ones – you’ve been a great part of me & I mean it what I have told you all – you were one of those friends, I wanted to grow up with, to cry and laugh with, to have simple conversations late at night, to drink coffee together as well you know the other way around hahaha You all are the best thing that has ever happened to me in the year 2014 and looking forward this year for travels, adventures and more laughter & bloopers. 

Just no surprises

Happy New Year!! Yan ang unang bati ko sa inyong lahat!! Chos! Hehe kembot kembot ikot ikot hanggang mahilo lang! hahaha

Hmmm… I still have something to write about my year end break outside the city pero I cannot compose it yet dahil bangag pa ako sa usok at sa pagkain na nilamon ko these past few days and yes lamon ng lamon lang kasi feeling ko last na last na talaga ang mga yon! Hahaha syet! Kailangan now hard diet! Charot!!

As I look into my blog, on the right side sa may countdown ng birthday, I saw 3 days left more to go and boom! Nanginginig ako at kinakabahan and I just couldn’t explain it why. Nah! I love making surprises to people I care and love about but ayaw na ayaw ko yong ako ang nasusurprise personally dahil I just don’t like the feeling of I don’t know saan ko pupulotin yong puso ko, yong kaba ko na parang nauutot lang ako ng bongga. Hahaha syet lang kasi! Or maybe I just could not control the emotions I have inside whenever I feel surprised, mahirap ako makapagmove on sa bagay na yon hahaha so if ever, wag na kayong magisip ng surprise kasi dahil because hahaha ayoko sa feeling na yon! Hahaha

Last 2014, month of January, hindi ganon kaganda ang pagbukas ng taon sa akin, I do have a lot of trials encountered & the best din naman nangyari sa part na yon is where I learned to surrender myself to God and I can say that I was home by then. it was tough. Really. I made it through those storms & I’m proud of it.

Today, 2015, it’s a good one, maganda ang pasok ng taon even before 2015 strikes. There’s a lot more na pagdadaanan ko, mas matindi mas mahirap but I am excited to take the challenge whatever it is coz one thing I know that will help me to shape myself. I am totally ready for that!

I wanted to say thank you to the people who never left me during my rainy days nong 2014, I’ve come to see true friends and people around who truly care and love you the least you expect it. It’s a one hell ride back there but I made it because for all you know I got my strength in you, I even learn to trust despite of betrayal. I thanked you Atty. slash Archt. Grace B., Feunah, Imee Jane, Hadasah, Renato & Juan for being part of my 2014 & brighten me up during my darkest hours. Chos! Hehehehe of course my blogger friends who never failed to share their life across, Thank you guys! 

So this is it let me enjoy this year 2015, more travels hopefully and the most important I am looking forward this year is I am going to serve my profession.