Inggit ka lang

Ano kaya ang meron why I feel betrayed? I almost about to reach my dreams pero you are trying to pull me down, you are manipulating everybody, you appear to be the person na laging tama and you always believe na kaya mo ang lahat! i don’t want to attend with that emotion but sometimes you are doing something that proves na sinasadya mo! I don’t mind it but I can see it with my two eyes and hear it from my hears kung ano ang ginagawa mo. We all have our dreams and I am clean to say that I don’t have any intentions of pulling other people to make myself na maging mas mataas because I know we have our own way to cross.

I come this far and there is no way of stepping back, all I know sa sarili ko now is that bahala na, just do what you want to do to pull me down, wala akong pakialam naman. I know what I can do, I know how far I will go and  I won’t give up no matter what. It’s almost there oh! Aatras pa ba ako? I know one day, I will be better than you, mas mataas pa makukuha ko if I am going to continue what I have started. There’s no one can stop me from what I am doing, I love the life I have right now and all my efforts will be paid off one day. I trust myself more this time and I will stand for that.

I know who are true and who are not, and I believe that secretly you are trying to crash me. Ok na ok sayo if you need a favour, gusto mo ikaw ang laging kinakaawan, sa totoo lang ikaw ang kawawa, dahil isang dakilang plastic ka! Hahaha lels! Dapat sa mga taong tulad mo, nililibing! Sinasaksak! Hahaha I am just waiting for the right moment na masabi ko sayo lahat ang yan, sa panahon na kaya ko ng ipagmalaki ang pangarap ko at paninindigan ko sa buhay! It will not take long. Basta ang alam ko,  you reap what you sow. Tandaan yan!

Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

The very first morning of SENDONG

7:00 am – I woke up and prepare myself to go to school for a party for the children of Cala-cala, macasandig (totally wash out area) and Singapore, balulang. My mind was already set that we will have a party that Saturday morning.

I wasn’t able to sleep well that night because walang kuryente.

Around 8:00 am – I am on my way to school, as I pass along the Capistrano st. I have seen people walking na puro putik, ang iba naman nakaupo sa corner ng daan, magkasama ang buong pamilya. A part of the street going down (isla delta) makikita mo yong putik na hanggang tuhod, so I said to myself that moment na normal lang yon since lagi ko naman naririnig na nagkakaron ng baha in the area.

Pagkadating ko sa school mga 8:30 na ata yon, nakiramdam ako at lahat ng tao wala kang Makita na nakasmile, lahat parang nagpapanic. So I went to our department at ayon doon ko nalaman na may masamang nangyari sa city.

Mga 1 am pala non – I received a text from a classmate ang sabi niya “grabeh yong baha sa bridge” dahil hindi ako comfortable that night kasi nga walang kuryente, I just ignore his text.

Busy lahat ng tao sa school, syempre yong party definitely wala na dahil nga na-wash out yong area, ang party sana naming that morning eh yong mga bata na nakatira sa cala-cala. Dahil nasa social work program ako (I am studying social work currently) nagging busy kami with the immediate needs of the victims.

Mga 10:00 in the morning na siguro yon when I and my friends/classmates decided to look for a food kasi wala pa kaming kain (nag-expect kasi kami sa party), lahat tindahan around the school premises WALANG RICE, even Jollibee at that time near our school SARADO. Ikot kami ng ikot, nagtanong kami sa mga tindahan bakit naubosan ng rice, sabi nila most of the people ONLY BUY RICE at that time. I felt the scarcity of food and water din that morning at lahat ng tindahan laging may nakapila, unusual yong ganon sa ordinary days lang.

Mafefeel mo talaga yong gutom ng mga tao, uhaw sa tubig at yong grief nila over to their loved ones na nawala at missing pa yong iba. Yong oras parang ang bilis-bilis at that time, lahat naghahanap saan na yong mga kapamilya nila, kamag-anak, sa piling daan may Makita kang patay na tinakpan lang ng kumot nag-aantay ng kamag-anak para kunin. It was the worst, sad morning I felt in my whole life.

i don't own this pic. i just got this from google.

I don’t know how to react, how I can help the victims, how can I comfort them either. In the afternoon, ng magbukas na ang Jollibee, we hurried and charged our cellphones for communication. Kahit Jollibee naubusan din ng pagkain, basta ang natandaan ko lang na natira sa kanila that time is yong spaghetti at kahit water ubos na ren.

Late in the afternoon, almost mag-gabi na we went to west city central to delivered food for the victims (yong luto na talaga ready to eat na) and after sumama kami sa cosmopolitan funeral homes kasi yong kasama namin (isang madre) may dinalaw sa funeral home at doon nakita ko ang mga pamilya na naka-abang dahil nawawala yong kamag-anak nila at nagbabakasakali na Makita man lang nila yong bangkay.

It was a long day for me. Actually in between madami pa akong hindi naikwento, isusunod ko nalang. The whole night, hindi ako nakatulog. Sa totoo lang, I was really bothered kahit sino naman siguro. Wala man akong kamag-anak na nagging victim sa sendong pero as a citizen, I couldn’t imagine how they survived that catastrophe. Paulit-ulit nasa utak ko “what if sa akin or sa amin nangyari yon” ano kaya ang gagawin ko, mabubuhay pa kaya ako? (sad)