Special Connection between the two

It’s been ten years since the last time sinipag akong magblog lol

Hindi ko rin alam now kung sipag ba ito or sadyang kinarir ko lang ang pinagdadaanan ko

May utang pa ako kay zai, empi at steph, nasa file ko pa yong draft ng kwento ko sa kanila, nasa kalagitnaan na ako at biglang madaming sagaball sa blogging career ko kaya natambak ko ang draft nila zai, empi at steph. uunahin ko sana gawin  yon kaso ito na naman ang pakiramdam kong ayaw ko na talaga sana pero bakit ba! Naiinis na ako ha!! Super! Mga moment na hindi na dapat mag-appear, super bitter pa rin kasi appear ng appear hindi ko naman kailangan. (bigti mode)

Hindi ko rin naman masabi dahil sa super pagod ko lately sa event at nagkakaganito ang pakiramdam ko. Totoo nga ang sabi nila when ang dalawang tao may special connection kasi kung ano ang nararamdaman mo, yon din ang nararamdaman ng isa. Isang halimbawa na naisip ko ngayon yong nag-iisip ka na itext or tawagan mo yong taong mahal mo tapos siya rin the moment you think about her/him pala,  yon din nasa isip niya. That is a very special connection kasi feelings niyo na ang nagsasabi gawin ang mga bagay2x (wag grin yang utak mo, nakikita ko lol) na sabay.

Yan ang pakiramdam ko ngayon, ang bigat, mas mabigat pa sa kuyukot na dinadala ko at pinipilit pa itong palakihin na parang napaka-imposeble naman yata pero I will still try. You know. =)

Hindi na muna ako magjoke kasi seryos kasi tong post ko na ‘ito. Rots.

Nahihirapan ako? Siguro kasi ayoko tanggapin yong closure. What I mean is OO there is a closure pero ang iniwan ko yong mga magagandang alaala dahil I want to live there, I want to live it that way kasi kahit anong galit naman gawin ko, wala eh, wala naman, feeling ko in the end of it, nasa akin pa rin ang mali, ang kulang but God knows how I tried to save it pero wala na talaga. There are things we need to accept na kung hindi daw talaga para sa atin, wag na natin itong ipilit.

Sa mga pagkakataong ito, gusto kong lumayo. Malayo sa maiingay na ciudad, at manatili muna sa may bundok, yong pagkagising ko puro kahoy lang ang nakikita ko, may dagat at may mga ibon na nagiingay sa paligid.

Wala namang tao or situation na nagpush sa akin na maramdaman tong bigat sa dibdib ko, ito na talaga ang sinasabi kong special connection between us kahit malayo na siya, wala na siya pero dahil may pinagsamahan kayo, meron pa ring natitira kaya alam kong sa oras na ito abot tenga ang ngiti niya, natagpuan na niya ang happiness na hinahanap niya, may kayakap na siya hindi lang sa isang araw or dalawa pero pwedi na ring habang buhay na. I remember that pain, tagos sa laman, sobra!

Napagod ako, parang gusto ko lang matulog ngayon, pinipilit wag umiyak diba kasi wala naman rason, ok naman ako ayoko lang sa naramdaman ko ngayon kasi sobrang bigat. Ito at ito lang yong pakiramdam ng malaman kong ang pagiwan mo sa panahong yon ay natuto ka ng hindi na bumalik.

Sana pwedi kagad sumakay ng eroplano para lumayo at mag-isip ulit. Gusto kong pumara ng airplane at magpunta ng hongkong Disneyland para isiping bata ulit, walang problema, innocente ang pagiisip at hindi nagiisip pa sa kinabukasan.

I’m just really sad.

Bear with me my blog. =)

Wanna escape for a while. 

Head inside the plastic bag

Those people who knows me personally,  I know they won’t believe me if I’ll tell that i have cried over the things that is not supposed to be. I just find it funny now after what happened that night. Kahit ako I won’t believe na I can do that because it doesn’t show sa personality ko, everybody knows I am strong enough to handle everything that comes my way, pero this time I need to express what I really feel, i need to cry this para gagaan ang pakiramdam dahil super over sakal na ako and may butas na yong puso!! Bohahaha

So ito na nga…

Barkada ko.. siyam kami..

It happened na nagkaron kami ng time to gather lahat and I was teasing red kung saan na ang promise niya na “fundador” as I have requested before he went home a week before that night. Dahil wala daw siyang enough money at mahal ang fundador we end up sa “gilbeys” I don’t drink gilbeys sa totoo lang pero dahil matapang ako that night, sumugal ako plus the boy bawang pulutan!! Hahaha

I was on the hot seat, kebs lang! ayoko magsalita at first about my feelings. Usap ng usap lang hanggang nagkaron ako ng courage to drink more sa tan-ena na gilbeys na yon!! Hahaha toma! Toma! Ng toma lang! hanggang I can’t hold firmly with the glass, so that means lasing na “ata” ako that moment, dinagdagan ng red horse! nilasing nila ako ng pabiro!! Bohahaha  Pakss!! Wala na akong pakialam! Inom ng inom pa rin!! They talked and I was really crying to the max, that no one would expect I cried that hard. I was really drunk I think! Hahaha I went to sleep dahil hindi na kinaya!

Before ako natulog hindi ako sure if sumuka ba ako hahaha kebs na kaibigan ko sila and they don’t have a choice but to take care of me!! Hahahaha nakatulog ako! Ginising nila ako around 2, umupo, bumalik sa table at hilong hilo ako, sumuka ulit ako! Hahaha natulog na naman! Ginising ulit ng 4 am, medyo nahimasmasan ng slight, and again sumuka ulit ako at mind you nakapasok daw ang ulo ko sa isang plastic saan doon din yong unang nailabas kong suka!! Hahaha sobrang gross!! Yucky!! Now ko lang narealize! hahaha

After sa sukang yon, we decided to go home around 4 am. Nakatulog na ako sa bahay, nakapagpahinga, medyo gumaan na ang feeling ko.

The next day, sabi ni dona (sa bahay nila kami nag-inoman) pinuntahan daw sila ng tanod nagtanong kung ok lang ba daw at sino daw yong umiyak na parang baka!! Boohahahahahaha tawa ako ng tawa, I am not sure if she is telling me the truth or nagjojoke lang. seeing back my friends, doon na ang madaming “kanchaw” (tease) I was a crying lady, sumuka at amoy boy bawang, mga kapitbahay daw asking sino ang umiyak ang lakas daw! And slowly naramdaman ko na ang hiya!! Hahaha

Nakakahiya pero nakakatawa, and I told myself, that will be the first and last!! Hahaha

Secret comfort zone

I am not ready to reveal what my real feelings towards other people, this blog site, I am keeping this for long, I kept it as a secret to my family, friends and acquaintances either, I am not afraid to be judged by them, I know who are real and not. It is just a choice not to tell them about it because I just don’t want it. I’d rather trust people who have same passion virtually than sharing these to people I know they will just talk about you. I take this as my secret comfort zone and I’d rather leave it that way.

What I have shared here is different of how they see me personally, I am stiff, I have strong personality, straight forward, I tell directly what I want and don’t, I sometimes want things to be done immediately, growing up now I have learned to value time that’s why I hate procrastination. I always insist that yes I have strong personality but not everybody  knows I am sweet, it just doesn’t show and can’t be justified the way I speak. I have a big heart, but I just want to keep it to myself.

How you act doesn’t define who you are, that’s what I have learned in life. Do what makes you happy, in every little thing you do, make sure you find contentment. Life is easy, we just make it complicated, if we learn to be contented in all the things we do, probably there will be no more confusions and we learn to value what we have. I don’t care too much now on how people think about me, I let them talk, I let them throw me a stone and I make it sure I throw them back kindness despite of how they think about me. This is me and I cannot change that, if I'll do that, I will never be me at all. Being good to other people no matter how they break you, you will still stand out, because you just proved to them that you are strong enough to face them and I learned to do that after all this time. 

Just go

I still think of you after all this time, I just don’t have the heart anymore to say how you've been and how you’re holding up. It’s just so painful, I know, but this is all for the best, for the best of you and me. I still want to say how much I love you but it’s not right anymore. I could still hear you laughing, your smile kills me. If only I could turn back everything to make things right for us, I wish I could. Loving you is the best thing I did in my life and I never regret that.

I wish I could still say it how much I miss you, the endless goodnights and I love you’s, waking me up in the middle of the night just to make me feel I am secured. I surely miss all that. It’s killing me. It has been so hard but I am trying everything I could to forget you. I had the best of times with you and I just can’t throw it all away like that. I don’t know where in the world you are now and I don’t want to know anymore, I don’t want to feel that pain again, I don’t want to go back in time where I felt I was so drowned.

I have my family and friends, yes, but I still feel so empty, I just couldn't explain it. It’s not right anymore, it’s not gonna work and I am not holding it back everything between us because without me now, your life will be in much place. You will be seeing your true happiness in time and I am not yet so sure if my heart supports that. I just wanted to shout what’s in my heart now, I just couldn't, I already did that once and I don’t want to do it again.

I am really trying but I didn't realize that this will hurt me so much. I am not yet ready to let you go because I just don’t know how. i am even afraid to know if you have given your heart already to someone new, I am not ready for that even. I understand my feelings but I can’t find a way to comfort it. How long I will go through this? I can’t wait to see what lies ahead of me, I know there is, because I believed that in every end there’s a new beginning. I hope this is all temporary for now because I can’t bare it anymore. 

What it is really?

I just couldn’t figure out what makes me so sad right now. I know there’s still pain in my heart and so much I wanted to dig within it, I just couldn’t. I recognized the feeling but i felt like all the things I’ve done now just to make myself busy is not enough to occupy everything including my soul. What’s in there anyway? That I couldn’t explain it even.

I can’t take back everything, I can’t go back to the time where I have cherished the most. I know and I am aware of what is happening, I can’t say I am not doing anything because I know I have done so much that I couldn’t even attend on my own wants, I tried everything so much just to leave and ignore what’s in my heart but there were memories I can’t just throw it away and I believed, those memories can’t be thrown away easily when I know a part of me is with that memories.

I am hurt for no reason, I can’t even figure it out where that came from now. I can’t say that I am okay, maybe I am just confused? Troubled mind and heart? Stressed out? Tired? Probably I am just sleepy for it’s already 2:22 in the morning.