Rub that alcohol more

Under the influence of rubbing alcohol. Lol

Weeee. Woot. I think I am going to burst this out personally or might as well just slip it over a couple of glasses. You know what I mean, I am very good & confident in telling the truth but I just couldn’t say it right to your face. There are hundreds of thoughts exchanged, thousands of word expressed but the truth about you & me, I just find it so hard to tell, so complicated even.

When I let you go that moment, I know that was the best thing I could do. I am following my dreams as you also did. It’s been years I think. I almost forgot what we were, what we had. Life just change so fast. I can’t even remember the last time I said I am going to wait. I am not the same anymore, I am not the person you used to know. I am happy of what I have become, this is not about you after all, I became who I am today because this is what & where I want to be. I forgot the feeling of being cared & loved by someone, or maybe I just ignored that anyway.

Wtf! I wanted to finally divulge this blogsite, for you to know what I’ve been in my life, do you really care? Coz now, I don’t anymore. A few rounds of glasses, this made me stupid, thinking & deciding probably. I am on my way now of starting a new path, my head is telling me that I want you to ride & take a journey together but this amazes me because you know what, my heart doesn’t want to anymore, I swear! I can’t find you in there & I am very happy of this discovery. This is I think – FAIR enough though.

I just love what I have right now & whom I am with – my family & friends, that is. This is the first & last time I am going to share what I had with you in the past. I just couldn’t do it anymore. The fuck it is! Lol but that’s the truth. I can’t deal it. I can’t fight it. My heart belongs to someone I think – that! I never meet it, yet or I may be I met him already but isn’t yet our time. This is the only thing I knew, you’ve seen my worst & supposedly you deserve my best but I just couldn’t afford it anymore to share what I’ve got now & what I think the best I could give. I just simply don’t find you anywhere anymore. I can finally say this, I am closing a chapter of my life where you were there. Thank you, that’s all I can say.

P.S.

Christmas beers are not advisable! Lol

4 Nights and 5 Days

Lemeeee begin with a simple twerking dance. Charrooottss hahaha wooootttt… pap-parap-pap-pap!!!

How i started my stay.

YES!!! Yes because I spent 4 nights and 5 days sa isang branch ng center namin na nag-sheshelter ng mga batang survivor ng sexually abuse (we term it survivor dahil strength based tayo this time, that is according to unicef) 

Yes dahil patapos na ang aking practicum and I had the opportunity na pumunta sa Malaybalay, Bukidnon dahil ang 5^th case ko is doon sya nashelter kaya I need to stay so I can conduct sessions and study sa bata. Sa 3 months na I spent my days sa main center, talagang na-compressed ko in 5 days doon, kulang na kulang yong oras talaga but yon lang kasi ang oras na pwedi sakin because may subjects pa akong naiwan pero kung wala malamang 4 months magrequest akong don ako titira hahaha

Anyways, nakakastress man dahil yong case ko

This is my 2nd day. Bonding time in the pineapple plantation.

is medyo different from the usual case I had such as yong sibling and incest case. Ito is quite different dahil sabi ng social worker sa center (supervisor ko), kailangan ko i-dig ang kaso ng bata then she said “this is your 5^th case, this must be a tough one so it fits for you” naahh!! When I read it, boom!! Yes it’s different talaga kasi the incident happened 2 years ago, that is according to the child but there’s more than that when I discovered it nong nagpapamedico legal na kami. Isipin mong 3 hours kami sa women’s desk. Iyak dito, iyak doon, hawak sa upuan sabay pasok ung ulo don sa ilalim ng upuan. Ayaw niya magpapamedico legal. We respect that of course but if walang medico legal kasi walang case na mafifile so maiwang Malaya yong taong nag-aabuse nong bata. 

School visit. We fetched them also after our appointment.

The child is responsive sa mga tanong ng doctor pero once magsstart na yong papahiga na sya biglang nalulugmok na naman sya and started to cry out loud and telling us that “ayoko, ayoko because ang dami ng nakakakita nakakahiya na” okay, again we respect that and everybody decided to leave the room pero wala pa ren its almost 5:30 in the afternoon and we failed na mapamedico legal yong bata.

kids loves picture taking. sorry i covered their face bawal kasi.

Pero after 3 days I think, na convince rin namin siya for medico legal and this time we’re hoping na it’s real na talaga. Tinupad naman niya pero half lang ang nakita kasi yong other half eh hindi pwedi mahawakan or ma-open lalo kasi daw super sakit. Sabi ng doctor, hindi nalang ipilit total kahit incomplete daw eh positive naman daw yong bata na na-abuse at pwedi na daw magfile ng case. But then, yong discovery ko about the kid mas lumalim ng lumalim kaya sabi ko talaga sa social worker naming sa center na puntahan ko sya sa bukidnon so I can spend time with her and maintindihan ko yong running case niya. Pero nalaman ko din na hindi na-file yong case dahil minor yong lalaki (CICL) naakkk!! Naman!! Pwedi bang ibalik ang death penalty!? So ano ito? Aantayin yong lalaki na darating sa tamang edad saka i-aarrest? But the minor (abuser) will go to a diversion program ata something basta ang alam ko now, walang case na na-file, so ibig sabihin non pagala-gala pa rin yong lalaki. 

This what i do after our appointment in the city. Stress reliever.

Staying sa center for 4 nights and 5 days, ang dami kong natutunan sa mga bata. I was also amazed doon sa time we spent na nag-gather kami ng mga woods at twigs, we all have our small talks, sabi nila they used to gather woods and sell it as well as they know pano mapa-amo yong cow at carabao pero natuwa talaga ako don sa part na pauwi na kami at yong isang bata kumuha ng itak with all the feelings na tinadtad yong katawan ng gemilina tree and sabi nong isang bata “HOY! Bakit mo yan tinadtad!” ang sagot ng bata “kasi sinugatan niya yong paa ko!” hahaha yong kasama kong intern napaupo kakatawa kasi naisip pa yon ng bata lol well it was really fun to be with them kaso kulang talaga sa time, we’re just looking forward to see them all here sa cdo sa upcoming family day ng mga bata where their family and social workers will come to visit and spend time with them. 

So back with my case again, ibang iba siya sa center sa panahon na magkasama kami sa hospital dahil mas nakita ko yong pagiging makulit niya at maingay sa lahat ng bagay, magaling din siyang kumanta at sumayaw. Sabi ko nga sa kanya na sa last night naming sumayaw siya, sinagot niya ako “wala akong damit, wala akong bracelets at hanky” part kasi siya ng indigenous group kaya ganon nalang, specific siya. Hahaha 

A time to gather woods and twigs for bone fire.

So much for that, madami man paperworks sa center, dami ko man iniisip, all the pictures na makikita niyo is yon ang time we tried to compressed it maspend sa mga bata. We also went to their school para Makita kung ano ba sila kapag nasa skwelahan, they are really proud and sikat na sikat sila sa school nila dahil at that time we brought a camera with us so we took pictures and everybody is looking at them. Doon naman sa pinya plantation, marunong na marunong silang mag-identify ng matamis na pinya they also taught me how to get a pinya, yong kailangan mo pang ikotin yong buong pinya para makuha mo sya don sa crown niya. At ang best part sa stay namin is yong family night namin na gumawa ako ng “bannock” na i-wwrap sa hotdog. They’re only seven sa center ng bukidnon kaya na-afford namin ng co-intern kong sagotin ang hotdog at bannock hahahaha hindi kasi naming carry sa main center dahil there are 20 of them. So yon ang adventure ko sa Malaybalay Bukidnon sa 4 nights and 5 days. And oo nga pala, paguwi ko, lagnat inabot ko dahil sa weather doon, isipin mo nalang yong cold water na iniinom natin galing ng fridge natin yon lang ang normal na lamig ng tubig kapag naliligo ka. Hahaha halos hindi nga ako nakakainom ng water don most of the time I had 4 cups of coffee a day. wooott!! Hahahaha 

This the finale. Last night in the center.

So ito lang muna, I will be very busy in the next 2 to 3 weeks kasi I have deadline ng october 12 at family day ng october 11 so still we’re looking for benefactors to help us build a study area for the girls in the center so they will start to build their dreams too and believe that there will always a dream waiting for them. You and I can be a part of the child’s dream. God bless everyone!! Happy blogging. Woootttt!!! Pakkk-parak-pak!! Hehehehe 

We are all going there... old age.

One afternoon of October 4, 2012, i was going to school and I come to pass by an old lola in the corner of the street who is trying to fix something, she tried to bend as she could to reach the newspaper with her faeces inside and that really strikes me a lot. The moment I saw the lola, i shook my head and there’s a lot of questions poke my head that I myself could not even answer for I know there are a lot of possible reasons to my questions. I was really hurt seeing far behind the lola who is helping herself to fix the mess that I myself can’t help her. I know she could still think of cleaning it before she will be reprimanded by some authority and she has no choice but she has to do it by herself. 

I don’t know who’s to blame, we don’t even know what’s really the reason behind why that lola is on the street. One thing I know with our Filipino culture, we are obliged to take care of our parents and grandparents, we may have something to give or doesn’t have at all. It is part of our values also that has been instilled that no matter what, we have to attend them. It really strikes me until now, It was one of the social issues that open my eyes to reality that gave me some hint on what I can do more in the future and with the profession I have chosen.

If only their voices have been heard, I know how happy they will feel when they know that before they die they are secured already. Everybody is going to where they are now, I don’t think each individual can afford to be like them, sleeping on the streets without blanket, they eat once a day and has no bed to take a rest. I don’t know why government cover their eyes and ears on this matter; I don’t think they still have to wait that somebody will raise that issue to give these street grandparents a home to stay. They just don’t want it because they can’t use or help for their political or electoral agenda. But their prayer does!! Mom told me once “kapag bata nasa daan, madaming pupulot, pero kapag matanda, wala!” and now that I have grown up, I certainly agree to my mother.

Recharge, Reborn, Rebuild Life

Weekend has been busy, i tried to learn the word “determination” and “motivation” in losing my weight! (lels!! Hahaha) seriously, I woke up so early to take a jog (Saturday) and a long walk by 5am (Sunday) and my jogging buddy suggested that I should enrol myself to the gym where she used to go, so right after we had a jog last Saturday TADAAHH!! we went to the gym and apply for a losing program. This time I need to work on things because sayang yong pera na pinambayad!! Hahaha ok so here is my plan now, hoping to be consistent in what I do and will not stop doing things I started.

One major reasons to lose weight is yong goiter ko, hindi pa naman halata pero it’s already there (it runs in the family genes) so for whatever operation in the future at least my body is ready for that, second is practicum will be coming so soon, a year from now so I need to fix myself because of the uniforms and I will be working on the field so I should be physically fit and lastly for some personal reasons also. (akin nalang yon muna? Hehehehe)

I am happy of what I am doing now kasi it helps me to be so busy in my life, pretending not to have problems, trying not to think about it because I don’t need to be so depressed on some matters. Classes starts next week the same so definitely I will learn to adapt “multi-tasking” job in my daily routing. Waking up early to prepare for work, after work I will be going to school and drop myself to the gym even for an hour, well I hope things will work out the way I think now.

I won’t lose this chance of losing and gaining something in my life, it’s I think about I need a change of routine, a change of points of view. Life has been tough to me in the past years and I want to see life differently so I am starting to rebuild myself, I will try burn what I had in the past and learn to live what has been given to me presently, future will come soon as long as I will complete what I want in my life now, everything will follow anyways. =)