Tambling ang mataba na puso

Dahil sa bagong discovery ko na pagiging inggiterah sa mga post ng year end, kinarer ko na teh! I scanned my fb again and again kung ano ang nangyari sa buhay ko for 2012 and beng! Beng! Bang! May nakita akong dapat hindi na Makita and bigla akong nalungkot! (ang napapala sa pagiging inggeterah! Haha) momove on na ako teh! haha

People always dream to have a lasting relationship but this people have ever ask kayah ba nila? (anak ni pokwang! Parang lasing lang ako sa English! Eemo na kasunod nito! Haha) natanong ko na kasi yan minsan dahil yong personality ko ang problema, syadong strong at nakaka-intimidate ako sa marami lalo naman sa mga lalaki! (ganyan! Echos panakot!) kaya ko naman magtagal but ang tanong kaya ban g tao magtagal sa personality ko! (ober da bakod haha) I know kasi God won’t give you everything in this world. Malakas ang kutob ko successful ako sa career ko, sa pangarap ko, yong dream ko na magsasalita sa harap ng buong tao, hindi lang isang bansa nasa likod ko pero marami (to clear, hindi yan politician! Haha) makapagtravel ng libre sa buong mundo pero failed ako sa relationship! Hahaha tan-enah! Yon pa naman ang pinakamasaya! Charos! 

dalawang tao lang ang alam kong kinaya niyang patamblingin ang ugali ko at hindi na nagwork din for some reasons na madali lang maintindihan ng iba. (ganyan! Char haha) oo, simply ang reason pero mahirap tanggapin. Nahihirapan ako those moment sa life ko but dahil na rin sa pagiging busy ko, nakakalimutan ko na pero may mga pagkakataon pa rin that reminds me of him pero echos lang yon! Haha honestly, meron talaga pero its not like before na hindi talaga ako nakakatulog (may ganyang arteh!), nasobrahan lang ako sa kapeh siguro sa mga panahong iyon!

People say na ang babae ang hinahanap nila ay yong tulad ng tatay nila, ang lalaki tulad ng nanay nila. Impossible isipin pero totoo yon, ang nag-aatract sa babae at lalaki ay mga qualities na nakikita nila sa magulang nila dahil ito ang kinalakihan nila. Charing! Para sa akin it happened, sa kapatid ko ganon din. May pressure slight kapag ang nakikita mong magulang ay buong nagmamahalan, no lies and even my mom died already, ayaw ng mag-asawa ni pader! (good kasi pasok sa banga ang babaeng yon! Uunahan pa kami ng kapatid ko! Haha)

Sa 2013, ayoko ng maghope, but nakakahawa minsan sila sis arline at ang mga pugi na si jon, archie, rix, tonio, cyron, bagotilyo, empi, pao, at bino na hopeful talaga sila sa 2013. Parang ngayon ko lang narealize na come what may nalang ako! Hahaha madami pang mangyayari sa buhay ko basta hindi pa end of the world, baka sa susunod hindi lang tambling ang kaya gawin ng taong darating baka pwedi na rin siyang umakyat sa coconut tree para kumuha ng buko at coconut para sa aking buhok pang hot oil. Haha

Iba ang nagagawa kapag may sakit kung ano-ano ang naiisip. Lels!

Isang huling iyak daw

After I posted my last entry, I tried to open my winamp and boom! Boom! Suddenly it’s a love song! Bohahaha one last cry ang drama ni winamp! Tan-ena! i forgot to change my playlist earlier while Im in the office. The music is trying to change my mood after being “a little angry” mood kanina. Probably this will lead to drama! Walang funny sa one last cry! Hahaha I did that, I really did that but there’s still pain inside my heart that I couldn’t explain it, I can’t even express it. I am not lonely, I am not sad, maybe I am just hurt and I accepted that feeling.

I told you, maging madamdamin na ang post nato dahil sa lintik na one last cry na yan! Bohahaha I wanted to laugh about it pero seriously if only alam niya how much I am missing the old days, the old us, killing me softly ang dating ng feeling na yan! (saksakin ang puso!!) hindi ko rin pweding tapatan ng kanta ni dingdong avanzado ba? The “why can’t it be”  because hindi nga talaga pwedi! Tatanga tanga ako kapag go ng go go ako! This emotion is just temporary, I will go through this, I still have a life and a dream to reach. Kaya ko ‘to! Hahaha kebs na!!

Medyo matagal din na hindi ako nakinig sa playlist nato, tambak! Tinago at  nilibing! Hinukay ko para malaman saan na ba ang puso ko!! Charus!! Hahaha pero ang totoo I still feel the pain! Heeeww! I am trying, I keep on telling myself na kaya ko to! I did this before, I can still do this now! maybe one day, I will lose my feelings but I always remember how great it was. Hanggang doon nalang!! Tapos ang usapan! Lels!!

Inggit ka lang

Ano kaya ang meron why I feel betrayed? I almost about to reach my dreams pero you are trying to pull me down, you are manipulating everybody, you appear to be the person na laging tama and you always believe na kaya mo ang lahat! i don’t want to attend with that emotion but sometimes you are doing something that proves na sinasadya mo! I don’t mind it but I can see it with my two eyes and hear it from my hears kung ano ang ginagawa mo. We all have our dreams and I am clean to say that I don’t have any intentions of pulling other people to make myself na maging mas mataas because I know we have our own way to cross.

I come this far and there is no way of stepping back, all I know sa sarili ko now is that bahala na, just do what you want to do to pull me down, wala akong pakialam naman. I know what I can do, I know how far I will go and  I won’t give up no matter what. It’s almost there oh! Aatras pa ba ako? I know one day, I will be better than you, mas mataas pa makukuha ko if I am going to continue what I have started. There’s no one can stop me from what I am doing, I love the life I have right now and all my efforts will be paid off one day. I trust myself more this time and I will stand for that.

I know who are true and who are not, and I believe that secretly you are trying to crash me. Ok na ok sayo if you need a favour, gusto mo ikaw ang laging kinakaawan, sa totoo lang ikaw ang kawawa, dahil isang dakilang plastic ka! Hahaha lels! Dapat sa mga taong tulad mo, nililibing! Sinasaksak! Hahaha I am just waiting for the right moment na masabi ko sayo lahat ang yan, sa panahon na kaya ko ng ipagmalaki ang pangarap ko at paninindigan ko sa buhay! It will not take long. Basta ang alam ko,  you reap what you sow. Tandaan yan!

Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

The path i walked in

I’m going to break my heart one more time again. Sometimes I find it healthy to get hurt, to feel pain, be happy at all times. It’s life, it’s something to live with. It’s something to offer to yourself for us to grow up and learn from our mistakes. When I decided to pick up those shattered pieces in my life, I was firm with that decision, I was right then. My life now is turning into something I want. No fear, just little doubts.

I always remember my mom telling us always everyday “wala’y ga-una nga gabasol” and I appreciate that while I was growing up. At this point in my life, there are few regrets but I am making it sure now I could patch up everything, it may not be the same but at least it is almost. There are a lot of things I don’t want that others will take the same path like I did, but sometimes I think people has to go through a difficult times in order to appreciate what life is. Life could give us all the happiness in the world if we only know how to appreciate it.

I am not sure if there is somebody who could tell me that he or she is brave enough to stand without tears in letting your heart be freed just from the moment you started to feel the pain inside you that not even you can explain what kind of hurt you are feeling. I was like that once, I think, but I realized that it’s easier to let go when you can cry it out what’s in your heart, it’s easier to understand why sometimes we need to go through difficult times. We tend to ask a lot of questions, we want to know the answers right away because we are doubtful if we can pass through or not, all this time the lesson I have learned is to wait for the right time, perfect moment to come where we can tell that everything happens for a reason.

If you just want to know what's my secret

I just remembered when I started to face my life after the death of my mother, I am trying to search my own soul, myself and I have been so bothered with a lot of things, there’s a lot in my mind but I couldn’t find a way to express it. I am known to a few close friend of mine that I am not a talky type person, I seldom talk about my emotions and feelings, I am afraid of giving comments because I don’t to hurt other people as much as possible.

I believed in the power of mind, kasi when I told myself that I need to break the silence, I need to express what I feel, what’s inside my heart and what I am thinking, it happened in just one click. Its TRUE that if you want it, you will have it. In the case I had, it was a week that I am emotionally unstable. After work and class I couldn’t help but cry or i always feel that anger in my heart. Since hindi ko na kaya, I decided to consult a social worker in our department to seek a professional help.

I talked to our program coordinator who is a social worker licensed. I was crying and crying, I am not satisfied sa ano man ang iniyak ko, she just let me cry everything, she gave me a room to let out all my anger, hatred and my hidden feelings that moment. Parang isang doctor lang din sya na binigyan ako ng resita, yong resita na hindi gamot but a resita na dapat kong panoorin baka sakali daw magbago ang perspective ko sa buhay.

I downloaded what she told me, I tried to watch it but sa simula pa lang nabored ako eh so I ignore it. Kebs lang ako!! In denial pa rin ako in everything to what I feel, I am starting to understand what is really going on sa sarili ko pero andon pa rin yong galit ko sa pagkawala ng mom ko dahil she died na puro pasakit ng mundo ang binigay sa kanya, okay lang kasi yong walang ibang taong involved pero dahil there are people caused her too much pain, yon ang mahirap tanggapin.

One Sunday we had a personal encounter activity sa social work class namin. We were given a chance to speak one by one our strength, weaknesses and threat sa dreams at buhay namin. So I speak for myself. I thought that’s the end. The following day I come to visit her for just a small talk, kala ko she forgot kung ano2x ang mga pinagsasabi ko pero alam pa rin niya and sobrang natinag ako to what she just told me that moment “tapos na yon!! Leave it behind, tapos na ang sa mama mo, siya yon at ikaw ang ngayon, gawin mo ang para sayo hindi para sa mama mo!!” yong halong may galit pa talaga. Wala akong masabi, parang nahiya ako na hindi ko maexplain ang feeling ko that moment. At dahil dun, yong resita na sabi ko na binigay niya, I tried to watch it, this time pinagtyagaan ko, then i have learned kung ano talaga ang gusto niya mangyari sa buhay ko and ito ako ngayon I can say I am better, I have moved on and accept those things na noon parang ang hirap2x at ang feeling ko everyday was I am always hurt. I also learned her secret in life through the resita she gave me it’s “the secret.”

You might want to watch it, baka makatulong din sa inyo. Ngayon, I am learning also to accept the law of attraction in our life. Life is a little better now kahit lagi pa rin akong confused sa mga ilang bagay!! Punyeteks!! hahaha

Kung ikarir ko na kaya ang pagiging denial queen

I have my own self-worth this time after a long silence about my life. I am a good or a great pretender in showing my true feelings, I am not a showy type of a person, I talk less either. Whenever I am sad, angry I just keep it to  myself until it will reach to it’s highest point na hindi ko na kaya at maburst out ko, sobra pa sa bomba talaga which I find it hindi maganda dahil malalim ang pinaghuhugotan ko. This is me and I am happy now that I am trying to rebuild myself in a manner that I am learning to correct my own mistakes in the past and I learned to be open with my feelings, happy man or malungkot but there are just instances na hindi pa rin nawawala sa akin yong pagiging denial queen ko lalo na pag-naiiyak na ako. Mind you kahit matigas ang mukha ko pusong mammon ako kahit hindi man bagay sa akin ang umiyak! lol

Self-worth because I manage to accept certain things in my life like ano ang ugali ko at saan galing yong ugali at pano ko ihahandle yong ugali ko. There are sensitive issues in my life that I considered, una na yong about sa panghuhusga ng ibang tao sa akin dahil yon ang nakikita lang nila without even asking me kung ano nga ba talaga. Slowly i am trying to understand that minsan we need to be open para Makita natin kung ano ba talaga ang gusto natin sa buhay at ano or san tayo mag-aadjust para wala tayong maapakan na ibang tao.

I am happy now that I gave myself a challenge also na dito sa pagbablog, maging open ako to whatever feelings that I have, may transparency in all the things na gagawin ko sa buhay ko and to share my thoughts, views, ideas without any hesitations and limitations. Chos!! Hehehe maniwala man kayo o hindi, seryos ako sa mga pinagsasabi ko!! Haha (ewan ko nalang kung maniwala pa kayo kung tumatawa ako sa ending!! Haha)

Utak kutsilyo

As I have promised myself na maging mabait na ako for this year, so one of the things I wanted to fulfill is that ma-complete ko na ang 12 months this year sa pagbablog. Hindi ako masipag, totoo yan! Hahaha pero magpapakasipag ako sa taon nato para na rin sa kinabukasan ko (kung meron man akong kinabukasan sa pagblog!! Hahaha)

I thought last year masipag na ako noon kasi naipagpatuloy ko ang pagblog, ang daming thoughts at ideas nasa utak ko yong utak ko lang ayaw gumana!! Hahaha kahit anong kain pa ng mga brain enhancer na yan, wa epek pa rin!! (futah!) kinakalawang na utak ko ata kaya for now gagawin kong malaking knife ang brain ko kasi the more you sharpen things mas gagana nga naman ito! Sige go!

I am totally confused kung ano nga ba ang blog ko about kasi ang dami kong gusto mangyari sa blog ko kaso kahit ako gulong-gulo din. Kebs nalang! Blog ko naman to kaya walang makikialam sa mga pinagsasabi ko dito!! Hahaha sa mga naunang blog ko, uber drama ang dating dahil na rin yon sa mga emotions kong uber na hindi ko macontrol at I still also have a lot of issues in the past na nabuksan ngayon that’s why buhos ang emosyon ko na parang hindi naman ako at hindi ko personality ang maging ganon pero dahil ako ay isang tao lamang kaya tanggapin niyo nalang din ako sa ayaw at gusto niyo!! Hahaha

Wala ng ka-sense2x ang sulat ko pero pag sharp na sharp na ang utak ko aarangkada ako ulet at maibahagi ko ang buhay ko na sana’y may matutunan ang bawat tao sa kanyang paglalakbay sa buhay na kasama ako. LOL go!!