Beauty & Madness

Kailangan iplay tong kanta habang nagbabasa 

para mas ramdam ang blog entry! hahaha chos! 

Last night I couldn’t sleep and it’s 3 am in the morning approximately. I browse my computer files and one folder gave me so much confusion so I opened it, to my surprise, halos lumabas yong mata ko – im thinking at that moment “the fuck! Na-save ko ito?!” then the next thing happened was ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko, sumasakit ang tiyan ko, that’s the feeling na ayaw ko ng maramdaman chos! So, I read the files.

It was an email and some blog entry. Right now, how long it has been already? This is one of those I haven’t talked it about for years, I kept it. So like because I saw it, now I felt like it’s about time for me to talk about him. Maybe. He is one of us. Yes. I remember my jokes to some blogger friends na “uy! Masarap kaya na blogger yong bf mo!” deep inside of me, super yes but I just couldn’t say it, I don’t know, I tried to but I just don’t have enough guts to say it.

Two of us lasted for almost a year & it was all worth it. Why? We spent our days as if it’s our last. Distance was never an issue, hello technology it is. Until the day he came through that door of an airport. I was stunned & I couldn’t hold my breath & I got so afraid. That kind of fear I couldn’t explain, I just don’t know where to put all those feelings. I had a dream to reach at that time; my thoughts are running so fast, I couldn’t grasp it for a second either.  He simply hugged me like he is just hugging a big panda or a bear, we’ve been so best of friends, partners in all kinds but I broke down. I ran away from him for almost an hour, I came back where I left him and told him “parang I can’t go on! I don’t know, I couldn’t think, baka sobrang na-stunned ako, happy or I don’t know!” we talked and talked na parang walang mapupuntahan kasi that moment, sobrang na-block yong utak ko, na-blanko din ako, everything was so different coz nakikita ko siya, I can even hold him, different from what we used to have. With all his galit, dahil sa sobrang gulo ng utak ko, the following day, he decided to leave.

I thought that was an end of us. Again, we tried but I could still feel his pain through his blog entries. I know he was hurt that I couldn’t decide coz all he thought I am brave enough to stand and fight for what we had. I failed him. Days passed, when we had our fights, it’s painful already because may mura na, sisihan, kwentahan, sobrang abusive na at hindi ko na kinaya. I was studying & I tried to hold everything I could at that time, it was tough, a super hell ride. I kept it all by myself, all alone, I journeyed it. It was a failure of me that’s why hindi ko sinasabi.

One day, an old blogger friend asked me “are you still two okay?!” and I told him, I don’t know, why did you asked. He simply told me, I think you better check his blog & fb account. So I did. I found out that, he is busy preparing for their wedding sa babaeng nabuntis niya and his old friend. I paused & said to myself “ayy ganon?!” sa kagagahan ko I message him and said “congrats, finally, yong inasam asam mo!” I thought he will just say thank you pero epic failed dahil madaming mura ang inabot ko, sisi, sumabog ulit siya sa galit. So like ako, ok. I went offline for long.

I focused myself sa school, family & friends. I kept myself so busy na halos paguuwi ako biglang matutulog sa pagod. I have been happy with my friends that time too so kering keri. Until I received an email from him, telling everything behind sa pagpapakasal niya, sa buhay niya, sa galit niya. I didn’t have the courage to reply anymore or to say something (bumalik ang long time loved one at this time chos!) dahil I don’t want to feel na ginagago ko ang sarili ko or itong isang tao na bumalik, never na akong nagcare to reply pa. Yong ending din naman that year, double dead ako!

I know he’s just around in this corner sa blog na ito. If you able to read this, I just wanted to say sorry for all the pain I have caused you, for the promises I made and for the time and your dream to be wasted. The love I had for you was real & true. I never cheated you either like you always assume & claim it. Defense mo na kasi yon dahil alam mo na sa sarili mo na you are just pushing me away dahil you already had a new commitment. Years passed already & like you said “if it’s meant to be, kahit saan pa at ano pa, mangyayari!” I always remember that. I never replied to your email because I have no more reason to do that, this time, I held everything, as much as I could share everything I had inside, pinigilan ko na. You’ve made me a better person as well as I valued myself even more. Yes, I felt so betrayed but even so, I learned to trust. Whatever it is, I am happy for you & I am sincere with that. Thank you for everything, it was worth it, walang nasayang, coz we journeyed our life together.

 

Just no surprises

Happy New Year!! Yan ang unang bati ko sa inyong lahat!! Chos! Hehe kembot kembot ikot ikot hanggang mahilo lang! hahaha

Hmmm… I still have something to write about my year end break outside the city pero I cannot compose it yet dahil bangag pa ako sa usok at sa pagkain na nilamon ko these past few days and yes lamon ng lamon lang kasi feeling ko last na last na talaga ang mga yon! Hahaha syet! Kailangan now hard diet! Charot!!

As I look into my blog, on the right side sa may countdown ng birthday, I saw 3 days left more to go and boom! Nanginginig ako at kinakabahan and I just couldn’t explain it why. Nah! I love making surprises to people I care and love about but ayaw na ayaw ko yong ako ang nasusurprise personally dahil I just don’t like the feeling of I don’t know saan ko pupulotin yong puso ko, yong kaba ko na parang nauutot lang ako ng bongga. Hahaha syet lang kasi! Or maybe I just could not control the emotions I have inside whenever I feel surprised, mahirap ako makapagmove on sa bagay na yon hahaha so if ever, wag na kayong magisip ng surprise kasi dahil because hahaha ayoko sa feeling na yon! Hahaha

Last 2014, month of January, hindi ganon kaganda ang pagbukas ng taon sa akin, I do have a lot of trials encountered & the best din naman nangyari sa part na yon is where I learned to surrender myself to God and I can say that I was home by then. it was tough. Really. I made it through those storms & I’m proud of it.

Today, 2015, it’s a good one, maganda ang pasok ng taon even before 2015 strikes. There’s a lot more na pagdadaanan ko, mas matindi mas mahirap but I am excited to take the challenge whatever it is coz one thing I know that will help me to shape myself. I am totally ready for that!

I wanted to say thank you to the people who never left me during my rainy days nong 2014, I’ve come to see true friends and people around who truly care and love you the least you expect it. It’s a one hell ride back there but I made it because for all you know I got my strength in you, I even learn to trust despite of betrayal. I thanked you Atty. slash Archt. Grace B., Feunah, Imee Jane, Hadasah, Renato & Juan for being part of my 2014 & brighten me up during my darkest hours. Chos! Hehehehe of course my blogger friends who never failed to share their life across, Thank you guys! 

So this is it let me enjoy this year 2015, more travels hopefully and the most important I am looking forward this year is I am going to serve my profession.

Define me

I am tempted to look into your account, I wanted to know kumusta ka na, ano ang bago or sino ang bago but I chose not to do it because I know it will just kill me. It was the best of time, best relationship I’ve got, the best love I know and good memories to keep. Like I said lagi, I need to rationalize the thing that is happening so I will learn to stand and fight my emotions. Yes, I am strong but I know I am weak inside, I just don’t dare to show it. I wanted to cry all over again but to me kapag iiyak pa ako ng iiyak, para saan pa kaya yon? Wala na. it’s over and hindi na maibabalik lahat. It’s painful pero kailangan panindigan, I always believe in every end may bagong darating. Wish to see that pagbabago now, as in now na talaga!! I don’t want to wait it everyday!!

It bothers me kapag may nakikita akong bagay that will remind me of you, songs that I used to hear it from you. Ang definition ko sa move on is kapag may nakita kang mga bagay na madalas niyong ginagawa, you will not feel something anymore at kaya mo ng tingnan at pakinggan kung ano man iyon. I am trying to go back to the places we used to hang out, once again pinapakinggan yong kanta I used to hear and paks!!! There’s still a bit pain in my heart, so? Hindi pa ako nakapag-move on?! Ganon lang ba yon!? Hahaha

No one knows truly what I feel except this blog, I wanted to say it pero  no one will believe na I was really hurt, kasi nga matapang ako!! Hahaha everybody thinks that kaya kong ihandle lahat ng problema pero sometimes I fall down. I am waiting for the right time to say na yes! Finally ok na ako! Pero for now, it’s already been months and walang nagbago. Mahirap no?! feeling ko now this is a battle between my career and love life, and I am choosing my career over my own happiness. Feeling ko lang naman. Lels!! Maybe if I have the chance to choose again and if it is only right for us, I don’t know why I still choose you, maybe yan ang feeling ko for now but later it will change kapag move on na ako ng todo-todo! I just missed you, your smiles, jokes and being annoying late at night. Wherever you are now, whoever you are with, i hope there’s always a part of you that remains about me. 

Soft inside hard outside

I tried to rationalize everything that is happening in my life. This is my way of coping up, it worked for me, oo nag-work and nagstand out ako but sometimes I could still feel the pain inside me, I just don’t want to show it, I don’t even say it because knowing myself na matapang, pinanindigan ko talaga yan! I am strong pero mas mabilis akong umiyak! Mind you! Lels!! Hahaha I don’t know why ganon, maybe it’s already inside my heart na super soft ako pero hard lang akong tingnan! Hahaha

I was hurt and I tried to fight that, I cried and that’s enough for now. I understand that if its not meant to be, then its not. There are really things in life na hindi talaga pwede, we just need to accept that, it will hurt us but this will help us to grow, to believe in second chances. Slowly I am trying to understand myself, I learn to love myself even more because if I am not this strong matagal na siguro akong bumigay, with those problems na dinaanan ko at ng pamilya ko it made me stronger, mas nagiging fighter din ako when mom died. I stood for the family no matter what, kung dati I don’t speak, I don’t say what’s in my heart, ngayon all those things na hindi ko nagawa noon, I am doing it now.

At this stage in my life, ang daming nareveal na ugali na hindi ko nakita noon, and I am seeing my mother sa mga ugali ko ngayon, maybe because I grew up seeing her always, the success sa career niya, how to handle people na may problema at kailangan maging matapang ka everytime you listen to their problems. When I studied social work, life changed and i am more appreciative this time, I kept myself on the ground, I refrain from judging people and lahat ng yon nakita ko rin sa mommy ko, that’s why after a long journey sa buhay ko, I stand to follow her profession, to believe in change and to touch the lives of the people and that change won’t be possible to others if you don’t start it within you.