Beauty & Madness

Kailangan iplay tong kanta habang nagbabasa 

para mas ramdam ang blog entry! hahaha chos! 

Last night I couldn’t sleep and it’s 3 am in the morning approximately. I browse my computer files and one folder gave me so much confusion so I opened it, to my surprise, halos lumabas yong mata ko – im thinking at that moment “the fuck! Na-save ko ito?!” then the next thing happened was ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko, sumasakit ang tiyan ko, that’s the feeling na ayaw ko ng maramdaman chos! So, I read the files.

It was an email and some blog entry. Right now, how long it has been already? This is one of those I haven’t talked it about for years, I kept it. So like because I saw it, now I felt like it’s about time for me to talk about him. Maybe. He is one of us. Yes. I remember my jokes to some blogger friends na “uy! Masarap kaya na blogger yong bf mo!” deep inside of me, super yes but I just couldn’t say it, I don’t know, I tried to but I just don’t have enough guts to say it.

Two of us lasted for almost a year & it was all worth it. Why? We spent our days as if it’s our last. Distance was never an issue, hello technology it is. Until the day he came through that door of an airport. I was stunned & I couldn’t hold my breath & I got so afraid. That kind of fear I couldn’t explain, I just don’t know where to put all those feelings. I had a dream to reach at that time; my thoughts are running so fast, I couldn’t grasp it for a second either.  He simply hugged me like he is just hugging a big panda or a bear, we’ve been so best of friends, partners in all kinds but I broke down. I ran away from him for almost an hour, I came back where I left him and told him “parang I can’t go on! I don’t know, I couldn’t think, baka sobrang na-stunned ako, happy or I don’t know!” we talked and talked na parang walang mapupuntahan kasi that moment, sobrang na-block yong utak ko, na-blanko din ako, everything was so different coz nakikita ko siya, I can even hold him, different from what we used to have. With all his galit, dahil sa sobrang gulo ng utak ko, the following day, he decided to leave.

I thought that was an end of us. Again, we tried but I could still feel his pain through his blog entries. I know he was hurt that I couldn’t decide coz all he thought I am brave enough to stand and fight for what we had. I failed him. Days passed, when we had our fights, it’s painful already because may mura na, sisihan, kwentahan, sobrang abusive na at hindi ko na kinaya. I was studying & I tried to hold everything I could at that time, it was tough, a super hell ride. I kept it all by myself, all alone, I journeyed it. It was a failure of me that’s why hindi ko sinasabi.

One day, an old blogger friend asked me “are you still two okay?!” and I told him, I don’t know, why did you asked. He simply told me, I think you better check his blog & fb account. So I did. I found out that, he is busy preparing for their wedding sa babaeng nabuntis niya and his old friend. I paused & said to myself “ayy ganon?!” sa kagagahan ko I message him and said “congrats, finally, yong inasam asam mo!” I thought he will just say thank you pero epic failed dahil madaming mura ang inabot ko, sisi, sumabog ulit siya sa galit. So like ako, ok. I went offline for long.

I focused myself sa school, family & friends. I kept myself so busy na halos paguuwi ako biglang matutulog sa pagod. I have been happy with my friends that time too so kering keri. Until I received an email from him, telling everything behind sa pagpapakasal niya, sa buhay niya, sa galit niya. I didn’t have the courage to reply anymore or to say something (bumalik ang long time loved one at this time chos!) dahil I don’t want to feel na ginagago ko ang sarili ko or itong isang tao na bumalik, never na akong nagcare to reply pa. Yong ending din naman that year, double dead ako!

I know he’s just around in this corner sa blog na ito. If you able to read this, I just wanted to say sorry for all the pain I have caused you, for the promises I made and for the time and your dream to be wasted. The love I had for you was real & true. I never cheated you either like you always assume & claim it. Defense mo na kasi yon dahil alam mo na sa sarili mo na you are just pushing me away dahil you already had a new commitment. Years passed already & like you said “if it’s meant to be, kahit saan pa at ano pa, mangyayari!” I always remember that. I never replied to your email because I have no more reason to do that, this time, I held everything, as much as I could share everything I had inside, pinigilan ko na. You’ve made me a better person as well as I valued myself even more. Yes, I felt so betrayed but even so, I learned to trust. Whatever it is, I am happy for you & I am sincere with that. Thank you for everything, it was worth it, walang nasayang, coz we journeyed our life together.

 

Special Connection between the two

It’s been ten years since the last time sinipag akong magblog lol

Hindi ko rin alam now kung sipag ba ito or sadyang kinarir ko lang ang pinagdadaanan ko

May utang pa ako kay zai, empi at steph, nasa file ko pa yong draft ng kwento ko sa kanila, nasa kalagitnaan na ako at biglang madaming sagaball sa blogging career ko kaya natambak ko ang draft nila zai, empi at steph. uunahin ko sana gawin  yon kaso ito na naman ang pakiramdam kong ayaw ko na talaga sana pero bakit ba! Naiinis na ako ha!! Super! Mga moment na hindi na dapat mag-appear, super bitter pa rin kasi appear ng appear hindi ko naman kailangan. (bigti mode)

Hindi ko rin naman masabi dahil sa super pagod ko lately sa event at nagkakaganito ang pakiramdam ko. Totoo nga ang sabi nila when ang dalawang tao may special connection kasi kung ano ang nararamdaman mo, yon din ang nararamdaman ng isa. Isang halimbawa na naisip ko ngayon yong nag-iisip ka na itext or tawagan mo yong taong mahal mo tapos siya rin the moment you think about her/him pala,  yon din nasa isip niya. That is a very special connection kasi feelings niyo na ang nagsasabi gawin ang mga bagay2x (wag grin yang utak mo, nakikita ko lol) na sabay.

Yan ang pakiramdam ko ngayon, ang bigat, mas mabigat pa sa kuyukot na dinadala ko at pinipilit pa itong palakihin na parang napaka-imposeble naman yata pero I will still try. You know. =)

Hindi na muna ako magjoke kasi seryos kasi tong post ko na ‘ito. Rots.

Nahihirapan ako? Siguro kasi ayoko tanggapin yong closure. What I mean is OO there is a closure pero ang iniwan ko yong mga magagandang alaala dahil I want to live there, I want to live it that way kasi kahit anong galit naman gawin ko, wala eh, wala naman, feeling ko in the end of it, nasa akin pa rin ang mali, ang kulang but God knows how I tried to save it pero wala na talaga. There are things we need to accept na kung hindi daw talaga para sa atin, wag na natin itong ipilit.

Sa mga pagkakataong ito, gusto kong lumayo. Malayo sa maiingay na ciudad, at manatili muna sa may bundok, yong pagkagising ko puro kahoy lang ang nakikita ko, may dagat at may mga ibon na nagiingay sa paligid.

Wala namang tao or situation na nagpush sa akin na maramdaman tong bigat sa dibdib ko, ito na talaga ang sinasabi kong special connection between us kahit malayo na siya, wala na siya pero dahil may pinagsamahan kayo, meron pa ring natitira kaya alam kong sa oras na ito abot tenga ang ngiti niya, natagpuan na niya ang happiness na hinahanap niya, may kayakap na siya hindi lang sa isang araw or dalawa pero pwedi na ring habang buhay na. I remember that pain, tagos sa laman, sobra!

Napagod ako, parang gusto ko lang matulog ngayon, pinipilit wag umiyak diba kasi wala naman rason, ok naman ako ayoko lang sa naramdaman ko ngayon kasi sobrang bigat. Ito at ito lang yong pakiramdam ng malaman kong ang pagiwan mo sa panahong yon ay natuto ka ng hindi na bumalik.

Sana pwedi kagad sumakay ng eroplano para lumayo at mag-isip ulit. Gusto kong pumara ng airplane at magpunta ng hongkong Disneyland para isiping bata ulit, walang problema, innocente ang pagiisip at hindi nagiisip pa sa kinabukasan.

I’m just really sad.

Bear with me my blog. =)

Wanna escape for a while. 

I am not holding up

It’s been a while since I decided not to know anything about you, I don’t want to feel that pain again. I don’t want to get hurt, I am afraid of what will I know either. I’d rather escape it than passing through all over again. It has been a tough semester to me this year, I’ve gone through a lot already and I don’t know if I can still hold on, even if I am that strong as what you think, I could give in, I am just human, I get tired, I get lost, I get weak. I don’t have magic to change what I felt, it’s in there, I can’t run away from that.

I know it’s hurting me a lot, I am feeling it and I even understand it but it’s still killing me. My heart is getting weak, my mind keep telling my heart that there’s no other way to forget everything but to accept and be ready to let it go, yes, but how? when? I don’t know whom to get angry, what to angry about. I just couldn’t understand what the hell is going on with me now. I am trying to apply what I learnt in class but my emotion is pulling me back. I really understand that there’s no turning back, that it is not right anymore, that it couldn’t be yet I still remain in distress.  

I am not bitter, I just probably felt that “sayang” because I know how we’ve been, how we’ve exchange our hearts all this time and clash attitudes that knows how to meet half way, the kindness and too much understanding between us, believing that communication is the best foundation in any kind of relationship and fails in trusting each other.

I don’t know how long I will be holding this up. How I wish I am ready to let go of you, to re-open my heart to new possibilities, to a dream that I will be reaching alone. I know there’s always a reason in everything but this caused me too much pain already that I could no longer bare it. I know I can make it through time, only that I cannot wait for too long. 

I never stop loving

Sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves, we need to go back in the past in order to understand all the things that is happening to us right now, we need to reflect in order to do more what we think we can do.

When you lost a person in your life, you will realize that life is short. You will tend to ask yourself what were the good deeds you do to others. Am I ready to face God when the time of my death arrives? But you know what, when my mom died, what comes first into my mind when I heard the doctor says “time of death” – does the values mom gave us is enough already for us to face the world without her? Yes, I really thought of that, because in our family, family values are one of the important aspects we need to look up to. The words of my mother is the same words with my uncles (her brothers), me and my sister’s thoughts or perspective on the way we see life is the same with my cousins (her brother’s sons’ and daughters’). We are all seeing realities in life, we deal with what is the truth about life and that help me to endure all the problems in time.

I am not expressive, I may be too silent with my feelings in the past but when social work nurtured me to speak up, I have learned to voice out everything, it may be that I am mad or happy, I learned to open myself to the reality, sometimes we need to say what’s in our heart, good or bad, so the pain won’t dwell in your heart. Take some time to let your heart breathe.

When I lost my mom, I tried the best I could to stand for my family, for my father and sister. I am not my mother, I am not even trying to be my mother but all I can do is to be me as a person I know. But, I am really my mother’s “replica” no matter how I try to avoid her mannerisms, behaviors, attitude, even the way she deliver her words of encouragement, to discuss matters on the table, her perspectives in life, it’s in me, it’s in my blood and veins, I could not get away from it. The more I discover about myself as I grow up, the more I understand who my mom is. I could no longer deny it that I ran into her footsteps after all this time.

I am missing my mom, of course, but I need to be strong not to miss her that much because it will definitely kill my emotions. I have a soft heart it just doesn’t show. i can still feel mom until now, I could still see her in my dreams, reminding of simple things I used to forget when she was still alive, whenever exams is approaching – she’s always sitting beside me in my dreams, when problems pop up – she keeps on ranting but I couldn’t hear it. I always tell she’s still here I just couldn’t see her. I believed in my instinct.  

If mom is still alive now, probably she won’t stop ranting us until we get the life we deserve it. mothers’ knows best and that is proven in time! 

That old man moved me

old Archive: This the moment i never forget in my life, the moment wherein i was moved by a stranger.

As what I have said in my previous post that my life’s experience is not that much but not that less. Each of us has its story to tell. Living day to day, we encountered walks of life, different situations, and different problems. I won’t say that I am matured enough in some facet of our life because some part of me I still wish I am a kid. A kid who can just play around and by not thinking of what life can bring ahead of us, what future lies within. Let’s face reality anyway! We are not getting any younger and we are looking forward for the future we want it to happen, life is not easy and we have to live by it. Here’s a personal experience from one of the client I interviewed months ago that helped me in some way to reflect.

An old man came to the office and presents the list of medicines for his wife. His wife is at the hospital, he is seeking for assistance from any agency of the government where he may able to get a few for his sick wife. I asked him how many children he has and he answered me he got only one but a disabled and was diagnosed with schizophrenia (A several psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social contact). He said he left his daughter in the neighborhood to look after since he is in the hospital busy attending his sick wife. Their family is unable to sustain the need due to family’s scant resources. Unstable income from Farming can barely make both ends meet. They cannot reap even a little help from closer relatives who are also living in hardships under the sun. Unfortunately, their town (their town is almost 2 hours from the hospital) was hit by a typhoon. He felt anxious and I wasn’t able to speak for a while, a tear fall from his eyes and said “where do I go now?” “What am I going to do?” I took a deep breathe and I thanked God I was able to answer his two questions; I was able to find a solutions where he can get the medicines and other needs for his wife. I thought that was the end, when he is about to leave the office and asked me “[mam, ikaw ba naa sa akong situation unsa akong unahon, ang akong asawa naa sa hospital or akong anak nga buang naa sa among munisipyo]” “(mam, if you were in my situation, what will I attend first, my sick wife or my disabled daughter?)” BOOM! I paused and I took a deep breathe, I was looking at him without saying any word, that moment what I had in mind is that “what if I am in his shoes, what am I going to do?” – it took a while I wasn’t able to speak up that he comes to understand that I have no answer for his question, I smiled at him, I stood up and tap his shoulder but deep inside me I feel fret. I was struck with his question. Then he finally left with “sige mam, salamat.” As he closes the door, I said to my officemates “hala!” and I think that point in time that’s the least thing I can say. 

It was designed to teach me

From my old blog 2 years ago...

When we look back on how we lived our lives, made decisions, chose paths to take and realize that we regret doing the things we’ve done, the choices we’ve made and the roads we chose to follow. There should be no room for regrets because everything in our lives happened for a reason. A purpose…all events and choices lead us to where we ought to be. Our destiny…so we have no reason at all.

Things happen because they are designed to teach you something. Every step you take, positive or not, you will find hurdles in your way, discouraging you, willing you to fail.  Sometimes you give in and do fail. And other times, you don’t. But with each passing hurdle, each fall, you are carved into a different person, just like the molten iron which must be beaten before it attains its final beauty and form. Remember that life was designed to give you that splendor of shape and sinew, and that it could never have been achieved with you making the mistakes you made and realizing them never to make them again. Regrets come in the way of your will to never make the same mistakes again and if it were for them, you would just end up getting beaten harder and harder, till the iron smith realizes you cannot be carved and throws you away for good.

Moving on will help you make yourself into something and someone that you, yourself can respect, despite the hand of fate or destiny or incidents in making you that person.

My shifting dreams

This is an archive from my old blog, one of my favorite emotions and thoughts before. I never thought that those visualizations i came through across my life's journey has became my real life and world now.

I could still remember how we used to dream together with my colleagues, how we wanted to be on the top of the mountain, you see I  dreamt to be an architect one day, I never thought that those dreams later than will just shift into some sort of who I actually desire to be and perhaps born to be. nevertheless, things take place for a reason and I’m thankful to the office where I belong now, that helped me to open my eyes in all the possibilities in life and helped me restore myself as well, it helped me to reconstruct my dream and begin to believe that I can have it. Shifting dreams is not that easy, I found my world but it was not my life then. We are born to be great, to accomplish something of worth for which you came into the world for. It has been said that life is nothing more than a search – a continuous search for a cause to live and die for, to be governed by the thought and dreams and propelled by a concealed urge to achieve.  It is unconscious, it is automatic. It is that nagging feeling tugs at you when you are alone, that there is something more. There’s always something more.

I have to open my eyes to full potential. I have to learn to treasure ourselves, know our worth, and look deep into ourselves to discover who we really are and what we came to this earth for. Only then can we be able not to fear our own greatness.